All Comments on 'Watching Over'

You're switching from past tense to present tense and back to past tense -- sometimes in the same sentence. Stick with past tense while telling the story, it works much better, and helps maintain continuity throughout the story. Obviously you need to finish this story -- as this was only the foreplay. This could have gotten five stars from me if not for the mixing of the tenses. Fix the problem, and finish the story -- it shows a lot of promise.

I revised this story so many times, I'm really not surprised. A volunteer editor caught many of my other errors, seems a few still slipped through the cracks. Message me if you want to help revise the next few chapters. I'd enjoy some additional feedback.