Watching the Clouds

I open my patio door without thinking about it. She calmly looks up at me.

"Come in."

"Yes." My voice has been as plain and neutral as her's. I begin to question both of our mental states. I'm fully aware of mine, but maybe she's a little deranged too. This whole situation is quite bizarre. Do I care? No. Of course not.

She enters my living room, leaving a wet trail behind her. It doesn't matter. Do I want to ask her what she's been doing out there? No, it's self-evident. She's looking for some kind of contact. Maybe to make herself feel better. Probably to apologize. But she has already done that. It should be enough. Do I care that she's breaking the restraining order? No, she's no threat, she looks even weaker and sadder than I do.

I watch her leaving the room and hear her walking through my house and rummaging through some drawers. I don't really care. I close the door as a sharp wind drives rain through the opening. It really might be eight Beaufort, the sea certainly looks like it.

Finally she returns, wearing some of my sweats. Again, I can't bring myself to form an opinion about this. She recognizes my indifferent reaction and obviously feels encouraged enough to go to the kitchen and make some coffee. This requires some more rummaging through my stuff. Doesn't matter. She's always been tidy and careful, she won't damage anything. I'm busy looking at the sea again. It's really rough by now. And the sky is uniformly dark, no interesting shapes to be seen. The dog hasn't returned, I think.

After a while she wordlessly hands me a cup of coffee. Speaking obviously is not high on her agenda, which suits me just fine. I don't know what to say anyway.

"I've never meant to hurt you, Ralf." I might have praised her silence to soon.

I just nod. It is new information, but it doesn't seem to be too important. The sea is getting darker all the time. It really looks quite vicious now.

"I love you and always have."

I nod again. More to confirm that I've understood than to express that I believe her. I have no opinion about that and don't intend to acquire one. I've broken the habit of having an opinion about everything. On the contrary, I'm having trouble to find things that interest me enough to have anything vaguely resembling an opinion about. I realize that Anna is not on that list of things. Come to think about it, that list is quite empty anyway. Apart from the weather, it seems.

I think that there are better no fishermen out there any more. The sea really looks quite nasty now.

I turn away from the big window and start to light the wood in the fireplace. The house is getting too cold and that's one thing that still matters to me. If I still saw Dr. Peterson, he'd be delighted. I watch the flames progressing through the tinder and starting to work on the bigger logs. I sense that Anna has joined me.

"I've been a drug addict."

I haven't known that. If I still cared about such things, I surely would be appalled about my ignorance. I've lived years with this woman, not noticing her addiction and her profession? It's really convenient not to care about self-recrimination any more.

I decide to get something to eat and I go to the kitchen to fix some sandwiches. Anna has left the coffee dregs in the sink. An old habit. So she's still the same person. It's good to confirm at least that. But what kind of lunatic questions such things at all? She has followed me into the kitchen.

"I had to quit my biology studies because of it. I needed the money badly. I was totally hooked on these drugs."

That's new information for me. Not that it matters. I dispose of the remainders of the coffee and start to concentrate on my sandwich task. I know how she prefers to have hers and I'm mildly surprised to find that I'm preparing some for her at all.

"I was a quite high when you found me. Like I always was to bear the job, the shame, the fears and the guilt. I was shocked when I saw you and you scared me a little. I didn't know how to react. How to get out of this awful situation. I was used to call my pimp whenever I was in trouble, so in my dazed state I called Brock, without thinking about it. And for some reason he totally went nuts. I still have no idea why. I was screaming like hell when he beat you to a pulp. Your friends tried to stop him too, but no one stops Brock when he's in attack mode. I'm so sorry. You deserved none of this."

I nod again. She's getting quite talkative now and I don't really appreciate it. All of this new information doesn't really improve my life. The question why this has happened is clarified now, but I never really had the urgent need to know about it. But I'm not concerned enough to do something to stop her talking.

"How are you, Ralf?"

A direct question. I'm surprised about this. What does she want to know? Why does she want me to talk at all?

"I'm just some hollow shell." It sums up best what I'm feeling about myself without getting lost in long explanations. I haven't diverted my eyes from the sandwich production site.

"You're Ralf."

"No. Not any more. And you're not Anna any more." It seems I'm turning into some kind of chatterbox. I haven't talked that much for quite a while.

"I've never been the Anna you saw."

I just nod. Not to express that I've understood, but that I agree. We continue to watch my hands building the sandwiches.

"Did you like the Anna that you thought you had?"

I just nod again. "Loved her."

"I've never been her but I always wanted to be."

I look into her eyes now. Green. With an interesting structure in the iris. I've always liked this detail. Long lashes. Very attractive brows. Beautiful eyes. I see this, but it causes no emotion in me, I just acknowledge the facts. I still look into her eyes and she continues to look into mine, unwavering. Looking sad.

"Ralf, you look like hell."

I nod and finally look at the sandwiches again. I cut them in halves. For some reason it seems to be important to cut them exactly in the middle. The information how I look like is not new. I know that I've changed, I look as lifeless as I feel. I think I'm just waiting to get old and die. I merely continue to live out of habit and because I lack the energy to do something about it.

"Ralf, what I've done is terrible. And what Brock has done is even worse. But you have to get out of your self-pitying. I'm not worth destroying your life and Brock much less."

She's struck a nerve with that. I've often thought about the same thing.

"I'm not actively self-pitying. I just don't care about many things. Or people. Like myself."

"About me too?"

"I don't know."

"Good."

I hand her several sandwich halves on a plate.

"Thanks. That's how I like them."

I just nod. I know this.

"Ralf, I'm ready to start a new life. I'm clean now. I haven't used drugs for two years. I don't even drink alcohol any more. I haven't had sex for two years."

I look at her with a blank expression. Why does she tell me this? Where is this heading?

"A few days ago I came to a point where I had to decide what to do with my life. Continue my studies? Find a man? Have kids? Find a job? Where to live? You know?"

Way too much unwanted information. It's like some stranger in the supermarket suddenly telling you about his hemorrhoids. It's not overly interesting and it's certainly not my problem.

"The question was: where do I want to be in three years? So, here's what I've decided." She takes a deep breath. "Here it comes. In three years I want to be Mrs. Ralf Weber again. I want to be some kind of super-Anna for you. Loving, sexually uninhibited, charming, caring, faithful. I want to bear as many children for you as you want to have. I want to help you finding a mistress on the side if you want to. I want to modify my body however you want it. And most of all - I want to heal you. I want to restore the old Ralf."

She looks at me anxiously. I assume she expects some kind of reaction. Difficult. What can I say? "Interesting"? "Good luck"? I don't know. It doesn't seem appropriate. Why does she need my input at all? She seems to have already decided about her goals.

"Okay, I've said it. Go ahead. Give it to me. Shout at me. Hit me. Do whatever makes you feel better. It's okay, Ralf."

I just look at her blankly. I still don't feel anything that I'd like to express.

"No laughter? No cynical accusations? No screaming? Ralf, nothing?"

"No. Sorry."

"Do you have any questions?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Because I love you."

I nod. I've already guessed that much.

"You don't want to know how I plan to do it?"

"I will see that soon enough, will I?"

"Yes." She actually smiles a little. It's the first time I've seen her smile for two years. It looks good. I like to see this. This reaction surprises me. I actually like something.

"Ralf, do you have any guests out here?"

"No. It's been some time since Andi has visited me. He seems to avoid me now. I can understand that."

"Well, I won't avoid you. I will take whatever you will throw at me. Physically or verbally. I will even endure your silence, although this is the hardest one."

I nod. Do I mind giving up my solitude? Do I care enough about it to go through an argument? To go through the whole effort of trying to keep her away from me? She will certainly claim my guest room. That's why she has asked about potential visitors. Will I throw her out? Will I use the restraining order? No, I will certainly not gather the motivation to do that. It will surely be a complicated and exhausting procedure and I can't be bothered enough.

"Okay. Guest room."

That seems to have flipped some kind of hidden switch. Her old thousand watt smile appears from one second to the other without warning. So does the pleasant feeling inside me. I'm surprised that I'm still capable of such an emotion. And I realize she might be successful to get me back if she really sets her mind onto it. I won't be able to resist. I can't be bothered with questions about guilt or trust at the moment. I'm just not interested. That might come later. The big question is just - what will she get? How much of old Ralf is left? I suspect it won't be much. Something in my head has snapped at that night. And will she like what she will get? I seriously doubt it. She'll get the empty, emotionless shell I currently am. If such a beautiful woman that can have almost any man stays with a person like me, she really must be full of guilt. I don't understand what she's doing, just leaving me seems so much easier.

"Thank you. That's more than I've expected."

"Where do you live right now?"

"In my car. My parents paid for the detox program. Afterwards I lived with them for a while. Three days ago I made the decision about my life, packed my stuff and came here."

"Remorse? Guilt?"

"Love. I also feel remorse and guilt, of course. Tremendously so. But I came here out of love. No one would dedicate his life to another person out of remorse. Certainly not to one as difficult as you are now. I'm facing the biggest challenge in relationship rebuilding in human history." She smiles coyly.

I just nod and return to the living room. Everything of relevance seems to have been said. I continue with the current main task in my life - watching the sea and the clouds. The wind and rain have abated a little. I think about everything Anna has told me. She sounded sincere. Am I concerned about her plan to live here? No. Hell, I wish her good luck in her mission to revive the old Ralf. Maybe this occupation makes her happy for some reason. Maybe she needs a defined task, like I do. I realize that it doesn't even really matter if she succeeds. I'm at ease with my situation and I have nothing to lose. And the old Ralf has been a decent fellow too, it would be okay to be him again. She has already rekindled some emotions in me, which seemed unthinkable before. So maybe she's the key in my healing as she has been the key in my destruction.

In the back of my mind I register that Anna is unloading some stuff from her car and moves it into the guest bedroom. Well, good luck with the weirdo named Ralf. Maybe she can do the groceries, it would be nice to avoid the town completely. Weird that I actively avoid everybody but the person that has betrayed me. Well, that might be the problem with being nuts. It's just unpredictable.

Anyway, it's quite late now and I decide to go to bed. Anna seems to be busy with something or other somewhere in the house and I just don't care.

xx

The next morning brings two unexpected things. Sunshine and a delicious looking breakfast, served on a tray to my bed. I have neglected regular eating recently and Anna seems to have come to the same conclusion. Not that she's in the position to blame anyone about that. She's lost some weight too.

"Good morning, sleepy head."

I can't help but smile a little. It feels like the first smile in two years. And come to think of it, this is probably not too far from the truth. I'm surprised the necessary muscles are still there and functional. She sees it and immediately switches on her killer smile. How does she do that? I feel like an uncaring piece of rock next to her, unable to feel emotions. Well, nothing I can do about that, can I?

The breakfast looks delicious, that's for sure. I start to grab a croissant while she fills some juice into the glass. Our hands touch briefly. I jerk mine back involuntarily. I haven't touched anyone for quite a while and I've just been surprised. The beautiful smile leaves her face immediately. "Sorry," we both say simultaneously. It helps to relieve the tension. We both smile a little again.

"Ralf, did you jerk back because you're repulsed?"

I don't have to think about that one. "No, I wish I still had emotions like repulsion. I was just surprised."

"Oh... So you don't mind?" She tentatively puts her hand on mine.

Now, this is a massive invasion of my privacy. No one has touched me that long since I've been released from hospital. What do I feel about it? Do I care? Her skin texture feels nice on mine. Her hand is warm and dry. The sensation is not unpleasant. Do I mind the hidden meaning? No. It's not that I don't care, the touch gives me a nice tingly feeling in my belly, if I'm honest. Anna is watching me intently and patiently.

"No, this feels nice." She's beaming widely again. Very beautiful. I don't feel aroused, but she's certainly beautiful in a way a bird or a butterfly are. Pleasant to look at. "But I need the hand to eat my breakfast." I'm just stating the necessities in a neutral tone.

"Oh, sure. Would you mind if I touch your shoulder instead?"

Do I? "No."

She places her hand on my shoulder very quickly, maybe before I can change my mind. Well, at least I can start eating the delicious looking breakfast now. I wonder where my sudden appetite comes from.

xx

I use the morning to solve some of the encryption problems related to a government project. They seemed unsolvable at one time and I'm almost shocked about the effortlessness of my solution. Have I maybe become some sort of autist? Do I have to pay Brock or Anna some kind of commission for smashing up my head or killing my emotions? Worse, will I lose my jobs in case Anna succeeds in healing me? The thought makes me smile, which scares me a little. I'm still nuts, but I'm beginning to change. I realize that I've been comfortable in my numbness.

At eleven Anna appears in my office. I manage to summon up the energy to look at her. To be honest, I realize that I actually want to look at her. What's happening here?

"Ralf, I hate to disturb you. But I want to buy some groceries. I'm sort of short on cash."

"There's some cash in the top drawer on the right in the kitchen. Help yourself. My EC card is in my wallet. The code is 2984."

"So you're trusting me?"

I look at her, surprised. "I have enough cash and I'm not afraid of you." Certainly not the answer she wanted to hear. But it's all I can give.

"Okay, thank you." She just turns around and after a while the put-put sounds can be heard again. I will really have to fix that exhaust. What? Have I just really thought that? This is crazy in a new kind of way. And I preferred my old craziness, I'm used to it.

After a while the Anna exhaust sound appears again. I have changed my location to the deck meanwhile. The sky has cleared and only sparse white clouds can be seen. The sun is shining and the sea is calm. I'm engrossed in watching two seagulls arguing about something or other when the smell of some nice meal reaches my nose. My stomach betrays my habit of having no appetite by grumbling. The speed of things changing in the Weber nuthouse is alarming.

To my own surprise, I even go to the kitchen to peek at the food in production.

She smiles at me sweetly while she's cutting come carrots. I lift a cooking top, amazed at my own curiosity. I earn a gentle slap on my hand. "Be patient, nosy man." I look into her eyes and we both smile a little. The world suddenly feels a little better than it has in quite some time. Not exactly good, but better. It's like the sun peeking slightly through a thick layer of clouds.

The lunch is really delicious. Anna eats only a little and is mainly busy to pamper me all around. Refilling my plate, bringing me drinks. I surely don't need a servant, but it just feels good to have her around as a room-mate. I don't try to fight this feeling. I don't want to hate her or even dislike her.

"Anna, I like you." It's the simple truth. But on Anna, it has a stunning effect. Her head jerks up like she's been slapped. Her eyes are wide and she looks almost shocked. Then a smile starts to conquer her face, a big one.

"Oh, Ralf," she exults and flies towards me into a tight embrace. Now, this is surprising. And I'm not sure if I'm comfortable with this. I wait for some sense of repulsion setting in, but it doesn't happen. Actually, I feel good. Anna, my Anna is embracing me. She's a friend. She's not my lover any more but she certainly is the only true friend I have. The only one that has the nerve to spend time with the wreck I've become. Certainly, she has caused it. But still it would be easier for her to just start over and move on. I have to appreciate her determination.

xx

A few weeks later we sit on the deck again. The weather is sunny, but windy. Some rain is expected later. Since her appearance in my secluded world, Anna has continuously pampered me and has given me enough room and distance meanwhile. She's a pleasant companion and I start to miss her a little when she goes to town for some errands. We have never talked about money and she has no qualms to use mine whenever it seems appropriate. I trust her with this and don't worry about it at all.

She has used some of it to visit a hair-dresser and some to purchase make-up, clothes and toiletries for herself. She begins to look more like a woman again and for some reason I start to appreciate it. She's damn easy on the eye, but any kind of sexual feeling hasn't returned because of it. Basically I've been some kind of eunuch since the event. Nonetheless I appreciate having a beautiful woman around me as a friend.

So currently she sits at my side and we look at the sea again, without any exchange of words. The situation is like on the first day she has visited me. We watch for at least two hours the sky getting slowly darker.

"It's gonna rain," she says.

"Yeah." I've gotten really talkative. A few weeks ago I would just have nodded.

Right on cue the first heavy drops start to fall and the wind starts to freshen up. It drives the drops under the canopy again. This time I'm not watching the sea but Anna's face as it gets hit by the drops. She looks into my eyes calm and content. This moment stretches into an eternity. I watch as her face gets completely wet, ignoring my own wetness. I realize that she wears a thin white cotton top. My eyes wander to this top as it gets soaking wet. I can clearly see that she's not wearing anything beneath it. Her beautiful breasts become quite visible as the top gets more and more translucent and clings to her skin. I briefly look into her face again and she just smiles encouragingly. So I return my gaze onto her boobs again. By now they look like they're naked, with just a thin layer of almost invisible cotton on them. I look into her wet face again. Into her beautiful eyes. Damn, she's still the most gorgeous woman on earth. Irresistible. She smiles in a cocky way. A whole bunch of almost forgotten emotions sweep through me. To my surprise, I feel an erection building. I need to have her. Right now. And she's mine for the taking. We both know it. We both want it.