We Again Ch. 01

He felt the sting in his eyes, he shook out of it. When he looked back at her face she was staring at him with that same sad look in her eyes. Looking away, reacquainting himself with what he was meant to be doing, 'maintain the focus'. He could still feel her eyes on him, there was a desire to pick her body up and hug her, to tell her it everything was going to be all alright. He didn't.

They had said nothing, he had a foreboding that tonight might go the same way as the other nights, play the subtle confrontation, release some barbs and then dance away from the crux of the problem.

Anyway he was enjoying doing the foot massage for her, therapeutic.

At first it was barely noticeable. He passed it off as an involuntary muscle spasm from the tempo of the massage. It was two distinct light taps which could only come from a twitch of her toes. He actually hadn't realised that her left foot had repositioned itself, she had moved it completely away after her little protest, so how it managed to place itself in his crotch he did not know. There it was again, and ten seconds later - again. The intervals were getting shorter. He held her right leg up in the bent position and repeated the tendon manipulation.

She gave an appreciative sigh and he watched a small smile appear on her face.

She started to straighten out her leg as she moved her toes toward his mouth, she flexed and wiggled them till she had them in his mouth. He hadn't moved an inch but her right foot now was firmly rubbing along what was fast becoming an erection. He had removed her toes from his mouth and was intimately kissing each in succession.

She willing him to look at her until he turned his gaze on her. He sat gently kissing the tips of her toes not daring to look away. She appreciating what he was doing too her, and at same time counting her blessings for what they had, for what she hoped they would still have after tonight. She was still unsure though, she was battling whether she could risk bearing her soul the way she was about to, the thought that maybe just surrendering herself to a bout of dirty sex without attaching conversation maybe the better way to go. 'Nope, lets do this now before I lose my nerve. Please God, please don't let me hurt him.' Very quietly she spoke, "I have always loved You. I will always love You."

I realised he'd dropped my foot when the heel connected with the ankle of the foot lying on the couch, he had been kissing it and sucking my toes just the way I like when I'd decided to talk to him, there was no hidden meaning to what I'd said, it was heartfelt and sincere, I truly love and have always loved him. I yelped and grimaced with pain and rubbed my ankle with my hand to try and dull the injury.

I looked at him expecting sympathy. What was that look he had for? I took a while to ponder.

She couldn't figure his look, was he pissed off?

And then I saw it - nervous twitch, in his left eye, as long as I've known him he's had it not that its exhibited all the time. To most everybody else it's unseen, not discernible.

But I've been around my man for a long time and I'd seen it on various occasion's and I know what it means.

When my husband has a serious problem and when he's processing the problem to a solution, it is visible as a sort of confused angst and morphs to a calmed but focused anger, that's when the twitch appears. On occasion I'd seen it like when he'd come home from work, when he was in that mood I'd listen to his talk if that's what he wanted and then leave him to work the process through. I'd never been on the receiving end of that, our problems up until recently, well was it recently? well a couple of years at least, had been corrected by us talking it through, not work related. I would like to say that that was all I could tell you about it but unfortunately I'd witnessed the outcome of his 'processing and problem correction' when we at various time's had been to his company's social events.

His boss had also cornered me and asked me about it. It unnerved his work colleagues to the extent most of them would not seek any chance of confrontation with him. I asked his boss whether it was a form of bullying, he said no but he wasn't the least bit convincing. I could always pick who was on the outer, they were the ones that appeared uncomfortable in our company, cringed away or talked in hushed tones while nervously looking over their shoulders at him, us.

So now I know, he was processing what I'd said. I am guessing he'd decided that what I'd said must have a hidden meaning or agenda, I don't know when my head had started shaking in the negative and I knew I was pleading to him with my eyes for him not to get the wrong idea, he had to let me explain, yes things had happened that I'd kept from him and yes he was not going to like them and God yes they would hurt, I know that but we'll get through it, together, I know we will.

The grandfather clock struck its way to eight o'clock.

I opened my mouth to say something, instead all I felt was my throat give up an involuntary gulp.

Instead he spoke, "I think the word you're looking for is 'but'." "What Honey?" "But. B. U. T, but as in I have always loved you, I will always love you, BUT, so don't hesitate finish the sentence BUT...."

I didn't know where he was going with this, I knew it weren't going any where nice though, It defintely had that slow motion train crash feeling to me .

"Okay, lets see if I can help you with it, I have always yada, yada, yada, will always love you, BUT, I've found someone with a bigger cock and he does it for me.

Now!.... am I Close?, Huh."

"NO, NO, NEVER, NO, TELL ME, TELL ME YOU DON'T BELIEVE THAT!?!" She had to stop, she could feel herself falling, the shock, what he said. Why would he say THAT? Did he really believe?

"NEVER HONEY, PLEASE.....please tell me you haven't lost your faith in me, tell me you don't believe that, I'm begging you. Please don't do this, please take that back, please. Take that back."

My beautiful wife dissolved right in front of me. It was spoken in anger. Fuck I knew that. I'd said the wrong thing A-Fucking-Gain. I jumped up, walked to her, put my arms around her shoulders trying to pull her out of her seat and to me. I needed to make this right, we all but ended up on our asses as she struggled to her feet and then she was shoving me away.

"NO! NO! YOU DON'T GET TO HAVE ME. YOU TELL ME YOU WERE WRONG, TELL ME! YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS TO ME! YOU DON'T HAVE ME! YOU NO LONGER HAVE ME." She thumped her rolled up fist's into my chest and upwards, managing to glance one blow off of my jaw, the first one didn't hurt, the second smacked my nose good, I felt it start to bleed, it really didn't matter I wasn't about to stop her, but she tired, then it was her arms and when she tired of that it was the body checks.

Finally she stopped, we were standing, facing each other, I couldn't look at her. Me feeling an inch tall, she completely anguished.

I held my arms up in defeat, "Not that I expect you to ever forgive me, but I accept I am one-hundred percent wrong, just another thing to add to my shitty little existence lately, I'm sorry, I love you."

She looked away, her mouth, her face twisted in a look of pain, I heard her whimper, I quietly spoke, "I will do what ever you want, do you want to separate."

I continued, "You want me to give you some space I'll do it without complaint, you have my word." I turned and walked away, I needed to clean up the mess on my face.

The Grand Father clock struck once to signal the quarter hour.

I'm ashamed to say at that moment I could have happily put my fists through the glass door of that clock if it had meant I'd bleed to death. Not good, not good at all. I was still standing there, after he'd tried apologizing and gone, I only remember bits of what he said. I was tired, immensely tired and with a deep deep sense of loss.

I just didn't seem to be able to move or think of a reason to move. I shuffled to the couch and fell down.

The mental relief weren't coming, it ached like a bastard, like a physical wound, I vaguely remember him passing through the room on his way to the kitchen.

But I won't leave it there, we've started it and I for one want some fucking closure now.

Pulling my weary ass up I trudged towards the kitchen.

I don't know what I expected to find, I'd thought that he was probably lost in a bottle of rum or whiskey - but no that wasn't the case. Not at all.

He had what he'd intended to serve us up for tea spread across my island and he had a plate that he was preparing with vegetables and the salmon he had so lovingly made.

He looked up and saw me watching him from the doorway.

He turned and reaching in the cupboard got another plate out, placed it with the other and served up similar portions onto it. It all went in the microwave and while it was re-heated, he dressed our breakfast servery. He went to the fridge and removed the wine he'd chilled.

"No Wine for me but a glass of iced cold water would be nice."

A silent nod was his answer, I couldn't catch his eye. As the food was presented he pulled back a chair. I moved to it and he helped seat me.

We ate in silence, actually we ate everything in silence, I think we both realised we were hungrier than what we would've given ourselves credit for. After he cleared the plates and stacked the washer.

He prepared a coffee for himself and another water for me.

I needed to start, "Do you want to separate, maybe divorce?" "Absolutely not, I want us better, I want us back were we always said we would be." "Okay so you think that's possible?" "Yes but that's not my decision now, I negated that right tonight, it's your decision Honey." "But you want the chance to try and fix us?" "Yes of course I do, don't you? And I want both of us to do it. I don't understand what we are doing to each other, we've become so destructive in this OUR marriage, OUR relationship." "So lets do it then, together. Oh I'm still hurt... immensely but if I'd stayed on that couch I risked never getting up again, so yes, I agree we need to give it a shot."

He had got up with his coffee in hand and for once tonight it looked like he had a small glimmer of hope on his face.

We had started this journey, at least had a loose plan as a guide I asked, "Okay Honey so you want us to be back to where we always said we would be. Where exactly is that, where do we start?" "Oh you know we had both said we'd start having kids at year eight, well that's gone so you know, we need to bring that to the forefront of our relationship not languishing in the fucking great unknown." "Okay but with our first born we are only now talking a delay of six and a half months as it stands."

He had another thing to process now. I knew I had a sly little smirk on my face that was threatening to become a smile. I looked into his eyes. he was sorting it. Slowly. Hah!, and there it was - realisation.

I would of never thought a coffee cup would of bounced so high off a tile floor, well the first time, the next impact smashed it to smithereens.

The clock chimed out as it ran up to nine o'clock.

My husband wrapped me in his arms, held me, kissed and smothered me, I wasn't complaining. We sat at the servery, me ensconced on his knees. For a long time that's all we did, with one difference though, for the first time in months we were both smiling. With and at each other.

I studied the lines of his face, the hard edge had gone. It was a change from a little over ten minutes ago, I won't any time soon forget the look plastered on his face after I'd given my clever little ditty about being pregnant. After the initial surprise I thought he was about to have a heart attack, geesus I panicked, I'd killed him!

I stopped dead thinking that was the case right up to the point I realised he had hoisted me up in his arms, hugging and kissing my tummy.

I relaxed my grip on my wife as she stayed perched on my legs, lent into me watching me in her bemused way, trying to channel my thoughts I was sure.

I just had to know, "Honey, why on God's green earth did you not lead with this news?" as I pointed in the direction of her soon to be baby bump, "You know instead of the other? You damn near broke my heart" "I broke your heart!?" "Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, well no yes I did mean it like that, but look what I said to you, when it comes to breaking hearts, I damn well did it with some finality ....well just about." "But you wouldn't, if I hadn't ...." "NO! Hang on we're not doing this. I know what I did - I took what you said, thought the worst case scenario and ran with that, that's not what I want to be ...anymore. I don't need it, it's a vile way to go through life, and you sure don't deserve it either."

They sat holding each other, neither talked. 'A truce. No. More than a truce.' he thought.

It was a pause, a point for reflection. Something new for them. One thing they were both contemplating, there was an urgency to fix 'them' as quickly as they could, a little he or she would make sure of that.

He wanted to make changes to himself and she was surprised with his comments about not wanting to continue being who he was.

It had awakened a lot of curiosity within her, she pondered whether it was wrong to ask him about that right now? She still asked, "Honey, tell me, about you, what do you want to change, and why? Would you tell me, do you know?"

She stayed quite but waited expectantly for her husband to speak.

It took a while before he began to explain the affect Frank Lorne's heart attack had on him.

How he'd successfully replaced his commitment to his marriage with more attention to his career took a little bit more to fully explain so that his wife would understand, the intense competitive rivalry, the need to force his colleague's virtually into submission, steamrolling over their ideas, the aggressive edge required to accomplish that task and the isolation that it all caused, he'd realised he had come to hate himself. He realised he had managed to bring it home, indicated by the widening gap between them. Sometimes he just felt wiped out, or when things didn't go right or he was having problems with no immediate solution he suffered from anxiety attacks bordering on a semi-paranoia, or what he thought was paranoia and then there were the few times he'd come home in a heightened state of aggression which hadn't washed off at work.

She replied: She understood the wiped feeling, that was common to her career as well, she was extremely worried over the anxiety and paranoia because she did not know what to look for, the aggression thing she had identified that a lot of times, she told him that when that happened she was delicate with what she did, letting him talk but skirting around him. She asked him whether he would open up to her and share those problems, She in turn would tell him more of what work problems she struck.

His reply was a yes and especially after what had happened tonight he said it was a given. I felt after my 'Come to Jesus' talk with my Wife that I wanted to know some of what my wife had been putting herself through so I asked her,

"Honey, what's going on with you, you said there were other things you weren't happy about having done ...so?"

"Darling, you have to promise me you won't freak, please, just ...I need you to keep it together, okay?"

I could see a sad expectation on her face, a pleading and knew if I told her yes I may well be lying, I really did not have a good feeling about this at all, so I lied, I even mentally crossed my fingers behind my back, trust, faith and belief, ha! yet more thing;'s to work on. "Okay ..... yep ...... Okay, yes, go, go." "Honey, I've been off my birth control pills just on two years now." "Okay ... yes, and."

I had know idea where this was going, I was surprised how long she'd been off the pill though. "Remember last June, when I fell ill?" "Yeah I do, you thought it was a severe flu bout, sore bones and everything, yep I remember."

The Clock started its chiming interrupting their conversation, 'ten o'clock damn that came around quick.'

"Sorry Honey, you were saying?" Now She'd kinda shrunk into herself, she looked so frail, fragile.

"Darling, I'm so sorry, I had a miscarriage."

I held her while she cried, she had managed all this by herself. Oh, I knew why she had, I had been doing other things like putting my profession in front of everything else, working later, never here even when I was here.

I whispered close so she could hear me, "I can't undo what I've done to you, and us. I can make sure it never happens again. I'm sorry I went away for so long and when you needed me, but I'm back."

"Here with you. Now."

Through her tears came a little smile, I kissed her face and held it tight against me.

He literally crushed my face into his chest, "Honey you're hurting my nose."

"Sorry." He relaxed his hold.

Quietly I spoke, "Are you angry with me about not telling you, that I kept it from you?"

"No, hurt yes, hurt more than angry, I helped you lose faith in me."

"NO. I didn't, I never did lose faith. I was making the decision, for both of us, you know being proactive, thats what I thought if I could give you our baby it would bring us back together, and you know what? Through all the pain that the miscarriage brought, I dealt with it and I would've again if it meant that we would get to a corner in the right direction."

I looked at him sternly, "Like we are now. Right?"

I paused, copied her look, "Like we are now." I continued, "So tell me, we're around the corner, what's the first step for you? What or where do you want to start repairing 'Us'?"

'OK, good point, where do I want to start? Actually I knew, I took a breath, oh boy!

"I hate my job I want to leave it have our bubby and make new plans on what I want to do."

I made a point to not grimace at my husband, look calm, act calm, breathe. Deep.

"Okay. No problem. Yes. Cool."

"What?!"

"Do it, tomorrow, if you want. No pressure."

"Just like that?"

"Yes. Why not, you just answered one of the questions we have about correcting our failing relationship, we're not happy. From this point forward if you think leaving your job will help make us better, well its done and dusted really. Oh I'll deal with Donald if you want me to, I'd have pleasure in unbolting him from the inside for mistreating and abusing my beautiful wife."

She giggled and broke out in a big smile, "No Honey. Thank you, but I'll deal with Donald, he-heee, although I'd love to see that conversation."

For the second time tonight they sat smiling. He had something he wanted to discuss, that she needed to have input too, in a similar vein.

"Honey, I'm not happy in my job, oh, I've corrected a lot of me and the way people react to me and how I treat them but outside of that the culture remains the same so I guess I've outgrown the job to some extent."

I was nodding my head at him, yes! I love this man, but I need to know. Imploringly I asked, "Soooo... what now?"

I could see he was conflicted, he was clearing his thoughts, gently he spoke "Well, Frank and John feel the same, Frank wants to take everything that we three have learnt and start a new partnership."

She looked at me slightly stunned, "REALLY. Really....Wow, I mean YES, yes,..... If it means I get my husband more often,Yes."

I looked deep into my wife's eyes, "I promise you. You get more husband, A lot more, more often."

She snuggled into his chest, wrapped her arms around his mid-drift.

Her smooth little hand rubbed my chest up and down, I could feel her excitement. We sat in pleasant silence.

Here we sat, each with our thoughts, I snuggled closer into him, oh I knew we had a way's to go, I'm sure. But this right here was what I had wanted for for so long, 'I'm gonna deal with tomorrow, well tomorrow.'