Welldark B1 Ch. 09

I woke up.

The lull of sleep held me for longer than a normal person. I had dreamt of a sweet field of flowers. Vast and of vibrant colours, it had filled me with a feeling of warmth. The overpowering beat of a massive clock in the sky had soured the vision somewhat. Back and forth the pendulum had swung, a rhythm that ran in parallel to the time that made all things fleeting. Still, the flowers had remained.

I opened my eyes and stared at the ceiling. I had always been a back sleeper. I just put my head down on the pillows, listened to some music or a podcast, and drifted away. Usually, I woke up the way I had bedded myself. Rolling around was never a thing I did. Perhaps because I was used to narrow beds.

The usual craving for my morning dose of coffee hit me after a couple of seconds. I ignored it in favour of the water bottle that I had placed in the compartment, which was hidden under some particularly firm pillows. Stored in relative isolation, it was relatively cool, a welcome temperature after sleeping through a summer night. It helped me ground myself outside the dream, even if it wasn't quite as potent at wafting away the sleepiness as coffee.

While I sipped from the bottle, I looked out the window. Sunlight fell in through the glass and broke partly on the drops that were scattered over the translucent surface. 'It must have rained during the night,' I thought. Grabbing the Ashod next to me, I checked the time. My eyes got stuck to the display.

It was 8:12. Not concerning, it was Tuesday and my first class was at eleven. My problem was the date. It was the second of Novem, the ninth month on the Welldark calendar, named simply after the Latin word for 'nine'. Around here, the year began in the winter semester, each month was exactly 28 days, and the seasons were confined to the two semesters and the two semester breaks. This made for an orderly, if overly predictable, procedure. It also meant Spring and Autumn only lasted for one month each.

All of that trivia darting through my mind only served to distract me from the real issue at hand. Over a month had passed since the ball. The progress I had made with Esther in that time was describable in a single word: null.

Absolutely nothing. We had maintained our current level, which was good, but that meant that we were at a particularly awkward standstill. We were going on dates, we were flirting, we were feeling each other up on the regular, the sexual and emotional tension was so thick that nobody in our proximity could have missed it. A tension that found no relief. Not in sex, not in kisses, not even in a whispered 'I love you'.

We were at the drop into a relationship and danced along the edge. I was afraid either one of us would get tired of that dance eventually and walk away or we would dance along that potentially wonderful fall until we arrived at darker chasms. The fact of the matter was that it couldn't continue like this.

Pushing her, however, was a course of action in and of itself that took incredible courage to embark on. I had spent several weeks now hoping she would perhaps meet me halfway. The foolish hope of the undecided. I should have known better.

'But what do I do now...?' I asked myself and found no clear answer. The different actions and the different reactions played out before my mind's eye. I sat, brooding, in my silent bedroom and sipped my water. My thoughts went silent.

I finished half the bottle, then put it to the side and grabbed my clothes.

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It started like every other Tuesday.

I sat next to Esther in the Interdimensional Conduct class. The teacher, a dry man with gelled back, brown hair and dark, round glasses on his effeminate face, walked up and down the stage he had been given to educate us. Lots of teachers did such things while teaching. Generally, it was used so the student's eyes had something to track, pumping a bit of energy into the lecture. It failed here, utterly. His stride was so lethargic, it made me miss my bed. The class was so boring, I had even forgotten the teacher's name.

"When you... find yourself on a world that has a patron god... always make sure you make sure it's a god that allows magic on his planet before you use any magic," the teacher babbled, making the same, extremely obvious point for the sixteenth time. "Earth, for example, has a particularly powerful guardian deity. A deity that oversees many worlds. Of which only Earth is to be seen as the evolving garden... or something like that."

"Or something like that," I mumbled mockingly, getting a little giggle out of the gorgeous woman next to me. "What a fantastic description, he is really earning his pay."

Esther hid her smile from the teacher and the classroom at large by raising her hand in front of her mouth. That left the curve of her full, pink lips only for me to be seen. "You are an awful individual, when the opportunity arises," she whispered to me, her amber eyes darting over to me for a few moments.

She was incredible. I knew that this was circling in my head a lot these days, but all of her was just so wonderful that this fact surfaced in my mind again and again. Her hourglass figure, lean and squishy in all the right places, her heart-shaped face with the downright angelic features, the way her unruly hair was confined into an orderly ponytail. Underneath all of that, her ever-present mind, her discipline, and the willingness to be kinky or playful depending on the situation. A girl who could be angry at me for my own good, who was jealous because she wanted me, who laughed with me and who I wanted to see every day.

'A girl who's incredibly indecisive,' a thought surfaced and the dreamy smile I had on my face died like a candle flame that had consumed the last bit of wax and yarn. The thought was resentful, bitter and weak, I flicked it out of my mind like one would a piece of dirt sitting on an otherwise clean surface.

I looked towards the lecture. Not to listen, I had no interest in following this prolonged waffling that just repeated the same statements in different situations. My goal was just to hide the fact that I was stirring in my thoughts from Esther. At least for the moment.

'Well, that's not good,' I analyzed what had just happened. It was quite normal that I thought a lot of things during the day that I didn't mean. Throwing my bag at the teacher, for example, because he bored me. Getting up and pulling the clothes off a nearby girl. Steadily wondering what would happen if I just screamed off the top of my lungs at that very moment.

Crazy little thoughts that I was willing to bet everyone experienced in some shape or form. Darker parts of the mind and base desires surfacing for the moment, suggesting something, and then getting pushed down to obscurity by the greater I. Parts the human mind maintained for bare necessity. The action of murder had little to no place in civilized society, but the brain was always ready to stoop to primitive solutions should the situation demand it. If a society unraveled, for whatever reason, the people that did not understand those savage parts of themselves would either be the greatest hindrances or the greatest monsters. Those that were frozen by circumstance or those that were consumed fully by the savage.

The little resentment that had just wormed its way to my surface thoughts was a bit of a different beast. Rather than something that activated in times of crisis, it was an emotion reserved for stagnancy. It was the thing that I was afraid of eventually rearing its ugly head. A warning mechanism of my subconscious that basically said that this woman would not reciprocate what I wanted from her and that it was time to move on.

For now, it was easy to ignore. It was small, the mind was a complicated thing and different impulses always pulled at the central decision-making apparatus. The bitterness I felt right now existed to spur me into motion. My mind was telling me there was a problem and that I had to address it one way or another.

The longer I ignored this, the more my resentment would grow. I could continue on and on to push it down, keep devoting myself to Esther and our current relationship. All the while, an ever-growing part of me would want to search for greener pastures. A part that would become increasingly difficult to argue against. After all, if the reason for the resentment wasn't cleared, what was I even pursuing? The act of pursuit itself? Could one be satisfied by just that?

Of course, there were people that got resentful incredibly quickly. The stalemate Esther and I found ourselves in could hardly fall under the crowd of people that got heavily annoyed with a woman who wouldn't drop her panties after a first date at a fancy restaurant. The problem here was that I knew perfectly well that the little resentment had a viable cause. It had been a month of us basically dating, what were we still waiting for? What more did she need proven?

Esther put her pencil down and shifted her entire attention to me. Her left hand reached out to gently brush over my shoulder. "You seem bothered by something greater than the boredom of this lecture. Are you alright, good Karitas?"

It said a lot about my state of mind that not even her display of worry lifted my spirits by any notable margin. "Yes," I said, only to shake my head and correct myself immediately, "No, actually, there's a problem." I knew I could stave off the suggestion of breaking with this awkward, stable, and pleasant paradigm for a while. However, what good would that do me? My subconscious had just given me the declaration that this relationship had to advance soon or never. When it came to things as complicated as love, the gut was an advisor best heeded. Pretending there wasn't an issue would only make it larger by the time it had to be confronted. "Let's talk after the classes are done."

Esther's hand froze and she slowly pulled it back. Whether it was my uncharacteristically serious tone or that similar thoughts about this topic went through her head, it appeared she already knew what direction this was going.

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Regardless of my conviction, I didn't know how to approach the topic. As we headed back, I mulled over how to jump into it. For some reason, we had opted to get back on foot. No words had been exchanged over this decision. Very little words had been exchanged at all. I had tried to keep things somewhat casual during the last few hours of the classes and I had failed miserably at it.

'Come now, you shouldn't start being a pathetic wimp now,' I pep-talked myself. 'You, who has maneuvered through countless flirts, who has been able to get physical in the squishiest of areas, who already went through a small number of fights with this very same woman -- you really shouldn't have this big of an issue talking about what is imperative to talk about.'

Despite my attempts at self-convincing, my hesitation remained a hindering influence that coiled around my heart like a snake. It would have been so much easier if Esther met me somewhere at least a fifth of the way. For all of her virtues, however, when it came to romantic engagements and talking about her feelings, she was rather stunted.

I looked over my shoulder, checking if there was an excuse to push this off further. There wasn't, we were alone on the road that connected the dormitory and the university. It was only us, the stone and the silver tiles of the floor, and the nearby trees. Finally gathering my resolve, I suddenly took Esther by the hand and pulled her onto the green strip at the side.

"What is-" she started, only for the both of us to suddenly sit under one of these trees. I embraced her tightly, pressing her back against my chest, and she swallowed whatever questions she had. Instead, she went silent, as a soft wind brushed over us, pleasant in the summer shade we now found ourselves in.

"When are we going to form an Anomalia, Esther?" I finally posed the question. To my surprise, she didn't tense up whatsoever. She had definitely known that this was coming.

"Why must we jump right to the final step?" the lady of my desires asked in a quiet tone. "The Anomalia, it is the last vow two people can give each other. It is more intimate than marriage even. The linking of two souls, achievable only through an act of true adoration. What is it that drives us towards the final extreme at the first juncture?"

She pulled her legs up to her chest and made herself as small as possible. I had never seen her this vulnerable before. No small amount of thought had gone into her own doubts, I was willing to bet. Doubts that had not culminated in any progress for our relationship and therefore doubts I had to disperse.

"Because there is nothing more you would be willing to give me without crossing that final line first," I stated what I truly thought. "Your lips, your body, the rest of your life, would you allow me to claim any of it without us being an Anomalia first?" No answer, I must have hit the nail right on the head. "You know I want more from you -- want us to be more. Just holding you isn't going to be enough for me forever. I want to know that you are mine and I am yours." I stopped for a moment, considered and ultimately decided to put in the bluntest terms possible. "If you let me wait much longer, I will move on."

"I know," she whispered and started to quiver in my arms. If she was crying, however slightly, she did not want me to see it. Her head rested on her lowered knees and I respected the silence. It took a while, but eventually she looked over her shoulder and at me. Her beautiful, golden eyes were surrounded by a tinge of red, both shimmering from withheld tears. It made me absolutely miserable to see her that way. "My secrets bind me to an uncertain future, my Karitas."

"As do mine," I replied and brushed over her curves with motions that were not the least sexual. "And I don't know how or when I'm ready to reveal all I am to you, Esther. All I know is that you are the first person I have ever met that I know I want to face my future with. In all of its glory and all of its darkness."

"I feel the same," she admitted and I felt my heart jump in my chest in joy. "Although my past is clouded I... I know you would be able to traverse that fog with me."

My enthusiasm at hearing that knew no bounds. All I wanted, all I hoped for, her love, her companionship, her physical presence, they could all be mine from now until death do us part. All it needed was a little more, the final signing of the contract that we both so obviously desired. "Then we-"

Esther shook her head. "But not today."

It felt as if someone had ripped out my heart and replaced it with black ice. "What do you mean?" I asked, barely able to keep the cold at bay.

A concerned glance went my way. "I'm not ready yet."

"When will you be ready?"

"I cannot say."

The resentment I had done my best to suppress was fueled by those words and fed the cold rage in my chest. My teeth clenched, the grinding of the enamel was the only thing I heard for a few seconds, then it was replaced by the rushing and drumming of blood and heartbeat in my ears. "So your words are hollow," I stated and let go of her. Barely, I resisted the impulse to shove her away from me.

Esther looked at me in shocked surprise when I got up and grabbed my bag. "I apologize if-"

"No." I interrupted and withdrew my arms. "I don't want any apologies, Esther. I've had it with the laters and maybes and with being sorry." I grabbed my bag and stood up. "I want you to reciprocate what I feel and I am absolutely sure you want us to go to the next step as well. As much as I want you, as much as I love you, I'm no longer willing to just wait for you." I had a hard time staying straight-headed while I said all of that, her indecisiveness had my temper compromised, to put it in a very nice fashion. "I need to know when we can continue forwards."

The raven-haired lady sat under the tree. Of her usual composure, very little remained. Her mouth and eyes were wide open, neither facilitating any emotion other than her being overwhelmed by the situation. After several seconds, I turned around. I barely caught her raising her hand in my periphery, but I didn't care. My stride bordered on a jog, all I wanted was to get somewhere where I could be less angry. In other words, I wanted to go wherever she wasn't right then.

The wrath continued to boil away the terrible ice inside me for the entire trip home. By the time I slammed the door shut behind me, an action that was likely heard by the entire neighborhood, the source of my anger had been consumed, but I was still running on fumes. I was in that state of anger where it wasn't aimed at anything specifically anymore and everything served as a potential source to set it off again.

Something Arlethia and Willt noticed. They were sitting at the dinner table when my approach alerted them. They exchanged a long look, while I stomped into the kitchen and rummaged in the fridge for anything I could put inside me right now.

"Something bad happened?" the young warlock asked.

"Yes."

"Want to talk about it?"

"No." Even the greatest of speakers lost all of their abilities to hold an interesting dialogue when their brain was swimming in the chemical cocktail of rage. "Do you mind if I take your milk?" I asked, once realizing I was out of any. I may have been angry, but I wasn't an asshole.

"Knock yourself out," Arlethia answered quickly.

"Thanks," I grabbed a bowl and smashed it on the kitchen counter. Quite literally, as any refinement of motions was lost to brute instincts. Shards of porcelain flew everywhere. "Father in heaven, choke on your stagnancy and die," I cussed, as if it was the bowl's fault that I had used too much force on it, then shut my mouth before I could say more mindless things. "This fucking day," I grumbled instead, while sweeping up the shards with a hand shovel I materialized. The bowl had become the unwilling sacrifice to the anger I did not want to aim at Esther earlier. I may have been able to keep my words in check, but that didn't mean I was anything more than an angry young man.

With a bit more delicacy, I grabbed a second bowl, put cereal and milk in there, and then went to my room. A giant mattress was not the most advisable environment to consume anything partly liquid, especially not milk, but my care was at an all time low. I managed to eat it all without any spills. At least that was something that was going on for me. Afterwards, I had cooled down a bit, laid down, and let the rest of my anger fade away over the course of an hour.

At which point I found myself exactly as I did this morning, staring at the ceiling and consumed by uncertainty. "Fantastic job, you jackass," I cursed at myself. The multiple levels of awfulness I had just engaged in started to unravel. "You were just barely able to not scream at the woman you love, she definitely got a better impression of you because of that." I rubbed my face with both hands. "I can't remember the last time I was that angry at anything..." The mumbles were only for the room to hear.

I sprawled out and waited for something, anything to happen. A divine revelation to the enigma of hesitating partners. Better yet, a blessing that allowed me to have endless patience while also being firm whenever I needed to be. That was the person I wanted to be, after all.

Perhaps Esther would come in and admit she was in the wrong and that we could go right ahead and form our Anomalia. 'That's the remaining anger talking,' I thought and tried to find all the errors I just made. For once, I was more than happy to assign blame to Esther. Although spoken in rage, I meant everything I said and was convinced of the truth of things. Her inability to overcome her hesitation was the cause of all this hardship. There was little sense in thinking about what she needed to do better though. I could only change myself, so myself was who I had to sort out.