What a True Father Really Is

I hadn't seen my girlfriend Sandra in a long time I was looking forward to the visit. My husband is a god-sent he suggested that I go and see her. Spend part of the weekend together and have a good time. I love that man more than you can imagine I wish he was with me, but I understand he had to work this weekend and he didn't want to be a third wheel. Early Saturday morning, we headed out together at the same time him off to work. Sandra and I have been besties from University days. Lately all we've done is talk on the phone and text, If only she lived closer. Back in those days we were inseparable and we used to party all the time. How long's it been since she came and stayed with us now after her divorce? Wow that's well over a year ago now, that marriage was just bad. After hours on the road I was glad to finally arrive, pulling into that driveway. Shutting the car off and reaching in my purse for my cell. "Hey Trevor I'm here baby safe and sound, how is work going? Yes I love you too, yes I'll be good,Kisses Babe.

Just as I was hanging up, Sandra came running out the front door to greet me. "Brittany oh girlfriend it's good to see you get your stuff come in come in." Helping me with my bags we went into the house. "You haven't changed a bit girlfriend two cases for a one night stay. Here you can use this room Brittany. It has its own en-suite."

"This is a beautiful home Sandra and I love the way you decorated it."

"It the best part of what I got out of that marriage from that cheating piece of shit. Are you hungry do you want some wine? Let's get this party started."

"Party what party I thought it was just girls weekend?"

"Here's your wine I know honey and we'll have plenty of time to talk I know you're upset. I know you and Trevor have been wanting a baby for a long time and I know it hasn't worked out for you two so far."

"Thank you girlfriend but I'm okay really we're going to be okay, maybe I just wasn't meant to be a mom." (a tear ran down my cheek)

"Don't be silly you'd make a great mom, but let's talk about this later I have some friends coming over tonight. A couple of our girlfriends from UNI some friends of mine from work and a neighbour as well that I'm close to. Just like University days, us two amigos partying having a good time. Good food, good drink, good times."

"This wine tastes good I haven't drank in a while because you know. I guess there's nothing holding me back now is there."

"Come on drink up Brittany, give me a hand. Let's get things ready for tonight I'll do the hor d'Oeuvres."

The young couple who live next door were the first to arrive. Sandra introduced us they were very nice people. Her husband like to barbecue and took up the job right away. Us three girls filled our wine glasses and started hauling out the snacks. A Taxi arrived and then at Uber cab behind that. It looked like everyone was taking safe percautions not to drink and drive. There were two ladies and a young man from Sandra's work who arrived. By young I mean about five years younger then the crowd so far myself being 30. Lastly Kim and Tina from University I haven't seen them in years, they arrived with two guys. One I think used to be an old boyfriend of Sandra's.

I had indulged in a few glasses of wine and was feeling no pain. I was having a great time it was good to see the girls from school. Deciding I needed to use the little girl's room I got up and staggered a bit. I guess all that sun and wine had made me a little light-headed. As I headed in the back door towards the bathroom I noticed Sandra coming out with one of the guys.

"Girlfriend are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'm ggood Sandra just going to use the washroom and give TTrevor a quick call"

"Tell him I said hello girlfriend"

Passing through the kitchen I saw the neighbor's husband coming out the door with a beer, he smiled and passed me by. Did I just feel a pat on my ass or was that an accident. I grabbed my cell from my room and proceeded to the bathroom. Lifting my sundress and pulling down my panties I sat down just in time. I called my husband.

"Hey honey it's me, I miss you?do you miss me?"

"Of course I do are you okay? You sound sort of funny."

"I'm just fine sweetheart just having some wine with my bestie and her friends. I love you."

"I love you too Brittany, you take it easy. Drink some water."

"I will my love sweet dreams see you tomorrow." (wipe, flush, wash hands) Shit I almost dropped my phone in the sink.

When I entered the backyard again Sandra, Tina and Kim we're doing a countdown. One guys was standing with his arm around Sandra's waist and the other guy shouted out. Get Brittany a water shot putting his arm around her handing her shot glass.

"What is this, water what?"

"It's a water moccasin shooter, okay girls ready 3 2 1 drink"

I remember us girls doing Shooters back in University. I haven't drank in a long time I don't think Sandra really ever stopped, laughing, she has a greater tolerance than I.

This is where things started to become a little fuzzy, I remember Sandra was now talking with her three coworkers. The young man that was with them I can't remember his name now. Pouring a glass of wine for Sandra and she gave it to me and he poured her another glass. The four of us were talking and the rest of the guests were mingling. When he whispered in my ear "you're very sexy"

"Excuse mmme" I slurred, wasn't sure if I heard him right.

He repeated this time speaking low "you're very pretty"

Then I remember standing with Sandra, her arm around me. I have finished my wine, she steadied me as we talk to the neighbour's wife. I remember feeling funny and Sandra ask me if I wanted to lie down. I remember her and the neighbour helping me into the bedroom. The last thing I remember the two girls were removing my shoes, talking about how I would be fine I just needed to rest.

Later I don't know how much later, I remember hearing Sandra talking to me again.

"Here have a drink of water girlfriend, turn on your side do you feel sick?"

She was stroking my long blond hair out of my face. The room was dark and I can see a sliver of light from the doorway to the hall. Then nothing.

The next time I awoke I was disoriented I tried to focus my eyes on the light of an alarm clock. 5:45 I staggered from the bed I had to pee, as I sat there I recalled having a strange dream. My husband Trevor was trying to make love to me, he was being very aggressive and squeezing my breasts. I didn't like it but I could not tell him so. I staggered to my feet and put my head into the sink tryng to run water on my face and get a drink. Then I crawl back into bed and passed out again.

"Hey girlfriend do you want some coffee or breakfast? How you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

"What time is it ohhhh can I have some aspirin and some water?"

"It's 11:05 in the morning I'll get you your aspirin there's some fresh towels in the bathroom if you want a shower."

I got out of bed took a two aspirin and a drink of water that Sandra had left on the dresser. Dragging my ass into the bathroom pulling my sundress over my head. I almost tripped over my shoes. Holding my dress in my hand I spotted my black panty thong lying on the floor. My bra is killing me and made its way up above my breasts and was wrapped up around my armpits. Stepping into the shower was a welcome relief, my body was aching everywhere but nothing more than my head. After my shower I dug my toiletries and toothbrush out my suitcase. Finding a fresh bra and panties I looked for my cell phone. "Good morning sweetheart how are you? Did you sleep well? AWw I'm sorry to hear that I slept horrible too. I missed you too sweetheart, Yes I should be home about 6:30, can we order dinner in? You're the best I love you." Wearing a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt I headed down to the kitchen.

"You were really out of it last night Brittany you had me worried."

I'm so embarrassed Sandra I really over did it, made a fool out of myself. I have not been drinking much and none at all since we tried to have a child."

"Nonsense everybody was loaded, the party broke up a couple hours after you fell asleep. Here have some juice and toast you need to keep your strength up. Why don't we just take it easy this afternoon and just lounge around and have some Girl Talk."

************************************************

Sitting in my Doctor's office I haven't been feeling well in quite some time waiting for the results of some tests. "Brittany the Doctor will see you now"

"Good morning Mrs. Johnson take a seat, Well Mrs. Johnson it appears I have some good news for you. Your pregnant I would say probably about 6 weeks now. Mrs. Johnson did you hear me, are you okay?"

"Yes yes I'm okay just a little overwhelmed sorry, thank you doctor."

"I suggest you book a follow-up appointment on your way out and once again congratulations."

How could this be what my Doctor didn't know is my husband's Doctor had confirmed last month that he was sterile and that we cannot have children. I just sat there behind-the-wheel staring at the windshield into nothingness, lost in my thoughts. Trying to think six weeks ago, Trevor was so disappointed. So was I to be honest but I kept it from him. I did not want him to feel shame or disappointment. We talked briefly about finding alternate ways. That's when Sandra text me asking when I would come visit. Trevor thought it might be a good idea, giving me time with my bestie. While he could think through his thoughts. I know my loving husband was hurting too and I didn't want to push him. We would take a little break and then regroup and come up with a alternate baby plan.

Snapping out of it I put the car in gear and started to drive home. Tears in my eyes how could this happen I don't understand. By the time I got home I was no closer to an answer. How am I going to explain this to Trevor if I can't figure it out myself. Oh God I feel sick again, running to the bathroom to talk to the porcelain confessional. I must have some of those baby testing strips in here somewhere. Back when we were trying so hard I was testing it all the time. Could the doctor be wrong? Okay pee stop test pee. Oh my God this is really happening how many times I wanted to see that positive result and now I sit here devastated. I haven't felt this sick since I was at Sandra's house. I need a drink.... I guess I better drink water? Wait a minute Sandra's house 6 weeks ago. I blacked out but I do remember, I remember, think think. Were some of those men at the party hitting on me? I remember Sandra and her friend putting me to bed. What was I wearing when I got up, my dress my bra? Well my bra was sort of on, and my panties now my panties were on the floor. Did I take them off? Then there was a crazy sex dream with Trevor. Oh my god, oh my god no......was it a dream did someone come in when I was sleeping?

Should I call Sandra? No She already told me everything. She took off my shoes and put me to bed, checking on me once making sure I was on my side in case I was sick. All the guests were there for another two hours after I went to sleep. I know some of the men were flirting with me a bit, a couple of comments, arms around my waist. I think I even remember somebody touching my ass? (tears running from my eyes) Have I been assaulted? Trevor will be home soon what am I going to tell him?

"Brittany I'm home where are you? honey!"

"Trevor... I'm in here... in in in the living room"

"Honey what's wrong why you crying?"

"Oh Trevor I.. I.. I need to talk to you " (heavy sobbing)

"Come here sweetheart let me hold you, talk to me you can tell me anything."

I had told Trevor before when I got back that I got really drunk at at Sandra's house. I also shared a general knowledge with him as to who was there. But now through shaking hands and tears I was giving him more details. What I once thought was inconsequential was now quite relevant and interactions that I thought were harmless now could have been much more.

Trevor slowly relaxed his arms from around me "So what are you saying you had sex at that party with some guy behind my back!"

"NO WHAT I AM SAYING IS SOME ONE MUST HAVE HAD SEX BEHIND MY BACK AND I'M PREGNANT YOU F**KING ASSHOLE" I exploded with anger, Panic, and frustration Uncontrollable crying and snot running from my nose, pounding his chest with my fist. Without looking up at him I just up and ran for the washroom, SLAMMING and locking the door.

Outside the washroom door in a low tone. "Britney will you please unlock door?"

"NO please just leave me alone!"

"I can get this door open from out here, if you don't let me in." Trevor jiggle the handle.

"Please Trevor just leave me alone!" I sat there on the floor hyperventilating and dry heaving into the bowl. Finally getting to my feet washed my face towelling dry, looking into the mirror I was a mess. No makeup my hair was all tangled in a mess, eyes swollen and red. When the door flew open, Trevor walking towards me. Hearing that door open scared the hell out of me, saying nothing he approached. I looked into his eyes for the first time since we began our talk. It's not at all what I expected, he had tears in his eyes. He put his arms around me and gave me a hug and said "I'm sorry."

He picked my small frame up in his arms and carried me out of the room. Laying my head on his shoulder I was mentally exhausted. I tried to speak to him but no words would come out. He carried me to the master room, laid me on the bed and walked away. I sat up wondering where he had gone, carrying a glass of juice he sat down beside me.

"Here drink this, then lie down."

As I finished my drink I was looking into his eyes once again, he just looked sad. Sad like the day he came home from the doctor's and told me that he couldn't give me a child. Taking the glass from me, he laid down on his back on the bed on his side. As we laid there in silence facing each other, he moved my hair from the side of my face. He gently ran his fingertips across my ear and down the side of my face over and over. I drifted off, what I learned later that slept for an hour. When I awoke he was still there looking into my face.

His first words were "Are you hungry? I can make us something to eat."

"Yes, yes that would be nice. If you don't mind I'd like to take a shower freshen up a bit before dinner."

"Take your time I know it's late I'll make something light we can eat."

When I came into the kitchen he was sitting at the table drinking a cup of tea. Trevor had placed a glass of water where I would sit, he had taken the lunch meats and cheese for our work sandwiches tomorrow. Adding cut up fruit, making a charcuterie plate. Now in my pyjamas my hair back in a ponytail I smiled at him and sat down and ate.

He was silent while we ate then Thevor said " I thought we both might take tomorrow off it's a Friday we deserve a long weekend, so I used the supplies for our lunches" (a moment of silence) "Brittany ".......... you're pregnant?"

"Yes Trevor....but can we please not talk anymore tonight? Can we just please watch some mind-numbing television and fall asleep in each other's arms? Tomorrow we can talk all day if you want. please Trevor."

"Okay Britt" he whispered softly,

I had another restless sleep then got up early. I called into my work where I'm an accountant part-time, this time of year for a small company. Nothing pressing going on so no big deal. On the other hand Trevor works HVAC and was quite busy this time of year even picking up weekends. When I called and said he was taking a three-day weekend, they sounded a little more concerned but I assured them he would be in on Monday. Pour myself a glass of juice and put on coffee for Trevor and started bacon and eggs. I just felt sort of numb inside, I don't know if it was from everything I was dealing with for the lack of good sleep. I know I was dreading the conversation that we're about to take place. Let's face it I was scared, scared I was going to lose my husband. Disappointed in myself that I let my guard down by drinking like a stupid teenager. I don't blame Sandra in anyway but telling her will make her feel guilty. Keeping this between me and Trevor would be probably best in order to prevent him anymore humiliation. Yes I'm aware of how my husband must be feeling, or I think I do I don't know I don't know. All these thoughts whirling through my mind.

"Oh hey good morning, you scared me Trevor I didn't even hear you come up behind me."

"Sorry" he said kissing the top of my head then poured a cup of coffee.

"I already called your work for you.....I hope you're hungry" things between us just feel so awkward I thought to myself.

"Thank you and yes I'm a little hungry."

He's being nice to me yet very quiet what is he thinking. Once again we sat and ate in silence, passing glances forced smiles. Afterwards he helped me clean up, then poured himself another cup of coffee. He walked off towards the living room and I followed. We sat on opposite sides of the sofa facing each other. More awkward silence wondering who would speak first, just as I was about to...

"Brittany I haven't had a chance to say anything really and there are a few things I'd like to say first. To start with I'm sorry for what I said yesterday and I can only imagine what you're going through."

"Trevor"

"Please let me just get this out. I know I acted like it wasn't a big deal when I found out that I could not give you a baby and you said we'd find an alternative plan I kept a brave face. Then when you started talking about that party and what happened. I don't know in some twisted way I somehow thought you had or planned on getting a man who could get the job done, and were going to leave me. Then in the next sentence from your lips and let me be clear....you were assaulted.....and and you are now pregnant, the jobs is done"

"Trevor please" and I started crying uncontrollably again" I love you and I've never wanted anyone else but you and yes I wanted a baby I wanted it for you, for us. I never married to have children I married to have you."

Trevor's face turned angry as he spoke next "I'm so angry but what happened I want to find out who it was and get revenge."

"I have no way of knowing" I cried. "I have no proof Trevor it's my word against his whoever he may be. There is the only the DNA within me. You know as well as I do we seen enough of these docudramas on TV to know the woman is made out to be a consensual slut." Crying uncontrollably I got up to leave. Trevor stood and grasped me into his arms.

"I love you Brittany and I don't want to lose you. but I just don't know, don't know if I can accept this baby."

As the days turned into another week, we limped along with their now fractured relationship. Held together by our love but still haven't touched each other intimately nor had I the desire. I know what he expected of me and I agreed on some level that aborting and forgetting all about this was probably the best. Would the child be a constant reminder, or would abortion just add to my damaged psyche. We have kept this to ourselves long enough from family and friends. I've concluded that I need to speak to someone a therapist someone. A follow-up medical check and a referral would be my next steps.

I don't think I could go on without Trevor's support, he was so empathetic of my feelings and I was very very aware the pain that he must be going through. Nighttime is turning into a nightmare for me. I now needed a night light like a child, and was clingy and emotional in bed with Trevor. I could not push myself to be sexual and his lack of erection was telling me he had his own turmoil. I don't excite him anymore he doesn't want me he doesn't love me. Yet if he did have an erection I don't know if I could fake desire. Sleep, sleep was spotty and restless.