What About Lissa

"Dancing?" Nick repeated, laughing. "I'd like to have seen that."

"If you'd been here to see it, it wouldn't have happened," I said as I flipped the burgers. Nick had insisted that I eat too. The potatoes were in the air fryer, and I'd found the burgers in the freezer. I'd wanted to find a vegetable, but they were all frozen as well. "But the smile I got was, well... " I felt my eyes filling once again.

"Cayla?" Nick questioned softly.

"I'm okay," I responded. "Tell me about her."

"What would you like to know?"

"Well, I see the Lissa in the bed, but the real Lissa is in your memories of her. I'd just like for you to share them with me so I can know her better and maybe talk to her about them during the time I spend with her."

"Wow. I can do that, as long as your seeing tears in my eyes won't spoil your opinion of me."

"Just the opposite," I said, my eyes locked with his. The stare lasted longer than I thought it should have, and I finally looked at the burgers once more.

"I've known you about two days, but I think you and Lissa are a lot alike. Not physically, of course. Your red hair sets you apart. But I just see things in you that remind me of ner. We couldn't have children, and I wanted to adopt, but she was hesitant. So, she volunteered at Children's Hospital, reading and talking with the kids. She was there almost every day, and hundreds of them were like hers, you know? You're a caregiver, not because you have to be, but because you love people. I can see that just bubbling out of you. You're a fortunate part of her misfortune if that makes sense."

The food was ready, and I sat at the table with Nick, enjoying that his exhaustion had dissipated with his excitement over sharing Lissa with me. And tossed in were his thanks and praise for how I was fitting into a difficult situation. After an hour, he walked me to the door, then stood, tears in his eyes, and hugged me.

"Have a great evening," he said as I went out the door, the aroma of the cologne following me.

I'd seen the tears in his eyes, and it certainly hadn't spoiled him in any way. Then there was the hug.

*****

The next few days passed quickly, with me falling into the routine of all the necessary things that had to be accomplished with Lissa but enjoying much more the casual time I spent with her. I prayed fervently that something could change, that Lissa could suddenly speak and react to what was being said. It didn't happen, though, but that didn't stop me from wishing.

At about the end of my first month there, a Friday, I was sitting beside the bed, holding Lissa's hand and talking to her, watching the very subtle smile form on her face. I had to periodically wash and take care of the incision where the feeding tube went into her stomach, and, except for being very thin, she looked perfectly normal otherwise. I had thought about something earlier but had allowed it to slip my mind. Now it was close to time for Nick to be getting home, but I went ahead anyway.

"Lissa, Nick was telling me about your wedding, about how beautiful you were in the white gown. And I'm going to guess you thought he was probably the most handsome man you'd ever seen." I squeezed the tiny hand I was holding. "And you guys went on a fantastic honeymoon to the Bahamas, I think, and that was the start of your lives together." I heard the door open and was soon aware of Nick silently entering the room. "It had to be beautiful; newlyweds, the Bahamas, looking ahead to the years together, which you had."

Something was happening, and I motioned for Nick to come closer.

"See, she understands," I said as we both watched two tears appear on Lissa's cheeks. Nick's arm was quickly around my shoulder, squeezing me.

"How did you do that?" He squeezed again.

"Just by sharing some memories with her." I turned my head just in time to see Nick staring at me.

"You're a marvel," he said softly, squeezing again.

My heart was pounding from the excitement of seeing Lissa's tears and, maybe a little, from the squeezes I was getting from the big handsome guy beside me. And he wasn't letting go.

"I have a card with my hours," I said, and that seemed to break the spell.

"Good," Nick said. "She's smiling again."

"I get smiles during the day."

"Let me write you a check."

We left the room and headed for Nick's desk in his office, where he kept the checkbook.

"I haven't asked before, but how old is she?"

"She's forty-one, just a year younger than me."

"It's hard for me to imagine someone that age and in Lissa's condition being able to smile," I said pensively.

"Well," Nick said. "Let me be a little crude, but if the three of us were in a room full of horse manure up to our necks, Lissa would be searching for the horse."

"I guess I can see that, even after these few days I've been here. I'm a little like that sometimes, too. Mom and Dad are always after me about trying to find the good in someone or something when it doesn't appear there is any."

"I've said you remind me a lot of Lissa." He handed me the check, smiling.

"Nick, you pay me way too much," I said, looking at the check and shaking my head.

"Not at all. You've changed everything around here." He stopped as his eyes bore into mine. "Everything," he added.

I found my heart pounding once more at that single word he'd added. What was the everything he had so carefully emphasized? I needed to stop my mind from its wanderings before they caused trouble. It wasn't easy, though. And the check was for twelve-hundred dollars, more than the hours I'd turned in. I had insisted on coming last Saturday so that Nick could play golf with his friends, but still, it was too much.

"Besides," he added, "there's a few bucks in there for cooking dinner three times."

"I told you the cooking was free," I protested.

"Okay," he said as he took hold of both my hands, the check squeezed tightly between them, "then it's just for Cayla being Cayla, probably..." He stopped and released my hands.

"Save it for college or something," he said, not looking at me.

"I think I'll just do that," I replied. Now he turned and looked at me.

"That would be perfect," he said, "and what would you study?"

"Too late for med school, so probably nursing."

"You love to help people, don't you?"

"I do."

"Well, you've helped Lissa for sure, and maybe even more, you've helped me."

"I'm so glad," I said, not exactly sure what he meant. "And let me help you tomorrow, too, so you can play golf again."

"Cayla, I can't have you do that." A near pleading look on Nick's face.

"What did you just say about me?"

He smiled. "You love to help people."

"Then let me take care of my love," I said, and as the words exited my mouth, the possible double meaning tore at me.

"Please do," he replied, and another double meaning hung in the air, Nick's huge smile not helping at all.

I decided to leave before the pounding of my heart was audible.

At this rate, I'd make over sixty-thousand dollars for the year, a little more than I'd expected. But there was the other now, too. I couldn't hide from the fact that each time he touched me, my body reacted. He was forty-two, and I was twenty-seven. Plus, I kept telling myself that my imagination was running away with me. It was like having a crush on the teacher -- you were eight, and the teacher was twenty-three. Same thing, but not quite. Plus, he was still married, and that was the hard part. I loved Lissa, and... I couldn't, but I might be.

*****

I'm not sure when it started, maybe after the hug. Sometime after the hug, anyway. I think it was Nick that started it, but I'm not sure. I may just want to blame him so that I'm still innocent and pure.

One day it seemed that every time he passed me or did something in the kitchen when I was there, he touched me. Not purposefully, just a bump, or nudge, or hand on my shoulder while he reached for something. I blame that on him, but when I think about it, it was probably more me becoming aware of it. It wasn't his fault that I sort of tingled each time it happened. I guess I wasn't as innocent and pure as I'd thought... or hoped.

Some evenings, when I'd stayed to prepare some dinner, which I seemed to be doing more often now, we'd just sit across from each other after we'd finished, talking and sharing parts of our lives mostly, but also things about the future. I don't think I've mentioned that Nick had the most amazing clear blue eyes that made sitting, looking, and talking very enjoyable.

He'd often ask me about my dreams for the future, what I was looking forward to other than becoming a nurse. I was petrified that I'd slip, now that what I really wanted was becoming apparent to me, even though I kept working to drown it in a sea of denials. I never did, thank goodness and life continued with Nick touching, me tingling, and denial after denial filling my mind.

I was not about to leave, though. I loved Lissa, which only seemed to devastate whatever shreds of decency that I clung to. We were indeed a unique threesome, and I wondered where that might lead.

*****

It was just a few days later that the doorbell rang, and I answered it. A man and woman I didn't recognize.

I had no idea what this might be. "Hello, may I help you?"

"Yes, I hope so. I'm Barrett Walsh, and this is my wife, Joan. We're Lissa Wright's parents."

I have to admit that was a shock, but I guess it shouldn't have been too much of a surprise.

"Come in, come in," I said, stepping aside so they could enter.

"I assume you're her caregiver, now," Barrett said. "We stop by periodically to see her."

"It's hard, but we want to do it, even though I don't think she knows we're here," Joan said distraughtly.

"Oh, she does," I blurted out excitedly.

Two very puzzled looks.

I explained about the tears, and how she'd choose the color of nail polish she wanted and other things we'd talk about and share. They still seemed reluctant

"Come along, and I'll show you."

The minute we entered her room, Lissa smiled. But they needed proof.

"When Lissa smiles to a question, that means yes. If her face is blank, that's a no."

I put my arm around Joan Walsh's shoulders.

"Is this your father?"

A very glum look from Lissa and questioning looks from the Walshes.

"Is this your mother?"

A very distinct smile on Lissa's face.

"We have fun talking and remembering, don't we, Lissa?" The smile stayed right there. "Listen, I'm going to leave you two here. Update her on everything, and you can ask yes or no questions. I'll check back in a while.

I stopped at the door, listening to the Walshs begin to talk to Lissa, hesitantly for sure, but I knew that would get better.

I loved her and wondered if I was just being normal or was a real bitch.

*****

Another month had passed, and I was still carefully giving Lissa a manicure once a week and then applying nail polish. I had a number of different colors of polish, and when Lissa smiled, that was the one I'd use. I'd tried several times having Lissa blink her eyes for yes and no, but that hadn't worked. Her eyes blinked regularly, but she had no control over that. Thus, the smile was yes, and the lack of a smile was no.

I had conversations with the doctor when he'd stop by to check on her. He couldn't explain why she was still alive, let alone what might be going on in her brain. And that was part of my problem -- what was going on in Lissa's brain? I knew Lissa liked me, and that kept me fighting the feelings that kept trying to overtake me. And then there was Nick's brain as well. What was going on in there?

It was getting more and more difficult to just sit and talk with Nick as if he was just a neighbor or casual friend. And I was seeing more signs that Nick might be having the same problem. I'd even thought of resigning and ending the problem, but thoughts of Lissa erased that possibility.

I had begun carefully propping Lissa up on pillows and doing her hair, actually just combing it into place. But she seemed to enjoy it, and I limited the sessions to fifteen minutes.

Anders had called to check on me and to update me on my gramma. He'd asked if I'd be spending any time at the cabin, and I was sure he was anxious to try again. I might be heading north when autumn arrived to help Gramma close up, but that would be all. Anders had sounded disappointed, and there had been a time, on my trip home from the cabin, that I'd seriously considered that possibility. But now, things had changed.

And it was at that time when they changed some more. Nick came home from work, a teenage girl with him. Naturally, I was puzzled.

"Julie is going to stay with Lissa for a couple of hours if that's okay with you."

Why did he put it that way, and what was I agreeing to? There was no time for analysis, though.

"Sure."

In five minutes, we were in Nick's car, and I was waiting, and Nick knew it. I saw him take a deep breath.

"We're going out to dinner," he finally said.

"Out to dinner?" There was going out to dinner, and then there was going out to dinner. "Nick, are you sure?"

"Am I sure we're going out to dinner?" He chuckled, almost nervously.

"You know what I mean," I said, trying to put a serious look on my face.

"I do know, and yes, I'm sure." The way he looked at me left no doubt that he knew.

Now it was up to me, and thinking about it had my stomach churning. So many thoughts and options tearing at my mind.

But I was in the car with Nick, and that made my answer simpler.

"Okay," I said. "But why?"

"Cayla, you're intelligent, wise, and perceptive."

"And frightened."

"New territory, right?"

"Very new, and I'm lost, Nick. I'm sure that I'm lost."

"Let's wander together, and maybe we'll figure something out."

At the restaurant, we sat quietly and stared at each other, afraid of the words that might escape our mouths. But we did order, and I wondered why, if we were just going to sit there silently, we'd bothered to go to the restaurant. As we were eating, Nick finally changed all of that.

"You're very special, you know," he said. "Very special."

"Nick, I don't know how to respond to that or what to say."

"Let me say it, then. I could easily fall in love with you."

Had I heard what he'd just said? Should I break into tears or jump across the table and hug him. He hadn't said it, actually, just that there was a possibility. That possibility lingered inside me as well. Or maybe I should just get up and run.

"Nick, don't. That isn't fair."

"You don't think I can love two women at once?"

"Oh my gosh, that's insane."

"Maybe, but it's happening. And you can't tell me you're oblivious to that and that you don't have feelings for me too. And I'm talking about romantic feelings."

He'd said it, laid it right there on the table between the steaks and baked potatoes. I could deny it, but that would be a lie. I couldn't do that. But how could I tell the truth, that I'd fallen for him weeks ago? He was experienced, established, confident, and very capable... and fifteen years older than I was. I had to say it to believe it. Despite what he had been through recently, he didn't seem much older than my twenty-seven years.

But he was.

I nodded, afraid that if I said something, it would just produce tears. I tried to cut my meat but couldn't see clearly enough to do it. Nick reached across and took my hand.

"What are we going to do?" I said, a hopeless sound to my voice.

"This is unexplored territory, at least for us. But I'm not going to pretend it isn't happening." His look told me he was very serious about that.

It appeared that neither of us was willing to address the obvious issue.

"Do you really think you can love two women at the same time?"

"I've been doing it for a while. And you have to be at least a little aware of that."

Of course, I was, but I'd done my best to hide from it. I had a job to do, and I couldn't hide from that. But now here it was, out in the open and unavoidable.

"Nick, yes, of course. Every time you touch me, even accidentally, my blood heats up, and I want you to touch me again. I can't help that, and I'm not sure I want to."

He just looked at me, his lower lip between his teeth, this bank vice-president who always had all the right answers and knew exactly the proper words to use. I was waiting for those words -- but they weren't coming.

"I love you," he whispered, and I wondered if those were the proper words. They made my body tingle and made it hard to breathe. But were they the proper words? And what words did I have as a response?

"Nick, you must know that... that I'm falling..." it was so difficult to say, maybe because I'd never said it before, although, deep down, I knew that wasn't the case. I had to finish it. "... in love with you."

"I hope so," Nick answered simply, and under the table, his leg pressed against mine.

I moved my leg, never taking my eyes away from his.

"That can't happen," I said, much as I wished it could.

A simple nod in return, along with a deep breath. Nick carefully cut another bite of steak, and I could tell his mind was working.

"We'll work it out," he said, "but it will take time."

Now he'd hinted at somewhere I didn't want to go. But how could we fall in love and not face that? Yes, how could we? It was my turn to take a deep breath.

We left the restaurant and were careful not to touch. Once in the car, he squeezed my hand briefly, then drove to his house. I went inside, thanked Julie, and sent her outside to the car. I slowly made my way to Lissa's room, and when she smiled at me, it nearly ripped my heart in two. Still, I loved her, and I carefully took care of her nutritional and medical needs and sat beside her, holding her hand. I wondered if she had been wondering.

"Nick and I went to dinner. I think he just wanted to do something special for me." That much was certainly true, if not the whole story. Lissa continued smiling at me. There were many things I'd like to have said to her, but I waited for Nick.

He came in from the garage and immediately joined us, giving Lissa a kiss on her motionless lips.

"I love you, Lis," he said to the pretty face with the gentle smile.

He put his arm around my shoulders, and I tensed. What would he say next?

"And Cayla loves you too. She told me that."

I sighed in relief and nodded. What was happening inside that head, the one with the "yes" smile? Perhaps one day I'd know.

*****

Autumn had arrived, and Nick took five days of vacation so I could head north to bring Gramma home for the winter. I drove up in one day, arriving at about eight-thirty, after dark now. Gramma was happy to see me and looked healthy and vigorous. She had her things packed and ready.

"You always hate to leave, don't you, Gramma."

"I love it here," she said, "and always have. And this year, with Andy helping out like he did, things were so much easier."

"Andy?" I asked, smiling. What had happened to Anders?

"He mowed, and trimmed, and repaired and asked about you each time he was here."

It looked like maybe Gramma was in love with Anders or Andy.

I was exhausted and ready for bed, Andy or no Andy. But when I did get into bed, it wasn't Andy that filled my mind, but rather the blue-eyed man I'd left in Columbus. I'd been gone less than a day, and I missed him horribly. As much a struggle as I faced when I was there, at least I was with him. I loved him -- period. And I knew he loved me. I knew I would eventually fall asleep, but until then, I'd give my mind free rein.

We were up early to pack the car, ensure the cabin was secure, and head for home, but not early enough to get ahead of Anders. He was there and helped us finish loading the car. He smiled and laughed, but there was no hint of his wanting us to get together again. Gramma thanked him for his help, and I added my own.