What Comes Back to Haunt You

And then Clarence e-mailed her again.

***

"Explain to me again how we got here," Nathan said, tugging at the lapel of his suit. The thing was starched to razor's edges. He felt like it was made of plaster.

"It's what he does," Robin sighed. "He asks for a small thing, and we say yes. And then he asks for a bigger one in the same vein, and because we already said yes to the first one, we feel like we should say yes tothisone too."

"Why?" said Nathan. "Why do we say yes?"

"I dunno," Robin said. "I had years to study it and I still don't understand. I think it's because we, as human beings, try to keep our word. So we said yes to the first one, and then we figure, 'Oh, that makes me the kind of person who does stuff like this.' "

"Like, meeting your ex-husband for lunch at the swankiest place in town?" Nathan said. "Do you haveanyidea how much of my gross operating budget this afternoon will cost?"

"I'm certain that, once I look at a menu, I will," Robin said.

He sent her a mock glower. "How doyouknow what my company's operating budget is?"

"Well, besides being friends with your accountant?" Robin said. Stacy was one of the first friends she made after Clarence. It was funny how her whole life could divide so neatly into those two categories: Before Clarence, and After. "I can just ask her, and she'll probably tell me. Or I could check the spreadsheets on your computer. Or..."

"All right, all right," said Nathan.

"Clarence didn't keep spreadsheets," Robin remarked, reflecting. "Not for finances anyway."

"Did you ever have enough money to need them?" Nathan asked.

Now it was her turn to glare.

Nathan said: "Look, hon, I... When I first met you..."

"The first time or the second time?"

"The second time."

"...Oh."

"Yeah, you see? It wasn't a good time for you. And, Robin, everyone could see that."

"Not everyone. Nobody did anything except you."

"Nobody cared enough," he agreed. "But I did. I saw you and I just... I mean, you were gone. You were like a walking dead man. --Woman. Whatever. You just... You were on your feet, you were still shuffling around, but you were dead inside. And I just thought... No, I can't let that happen. If there is any spark of life in there, I need... I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't."

She gave a cynical smile and gestured to her body: "You just wanted a piece of this."

"No, I... Well, yes, fine, that was part of it. But Robin, you know by now I didn't marry you to get into your pants. Or, at least, you should."

She shrugged assent. He hated when she got cynical like this.

"Robin, I... Look, the point is... That's who I saw. I saw someone who had been beaten; and I saw someone who had been defeated. And... You can't ask me to be positive about the guy who did that to you."

"But Icanask you to go to lunch with him," she said.

An impatient sigh: "Yes, you can. And because I love you, I will. But not because I have anything for him. It'syouI love. It's you I care about. And I'm willing to do this only because it makes you happy."

She gave him a smirk. "So I better enjoy it, is that what you're saying?"

He turned away. "God, I'm not explaining this atall, am I." Frustration roiled through him. Why was it so hard to say what he felt?

Her finger under his chin drew him back to her. "Nathan, I get it." She smiled, her face inches from his. "And believe me, I really appreciate it. I couldn't have come if you didn't want to."

"Oh, great: so you mean I could've aborted this whole thing by saying I had a meeting?"

She gave him a smile, and then a kiss--sweet, gentle, the uncomplicated girl he had once known. She kissed him, and it was like the first time again.

A hearty voice said: "Hey, that's my ex-wife you got yer paws on!"

They turned, almost bumping heads. Yep, it was Clarence all right. He had grown out his mustache into a bushy horseshoe, and he had traded in the rodeo wear for motorcycle gear--a plain white helmet in hand, and a leather jacket that hung on him awkardly—but, by and large, it was the same Clarence. Robin gave him a hug, and then, after a bit of hesitation, a kiss on the cheek. Whatwasthe etiquette for meeting an ex-husband? With your current one beside you? An ex-husband you didn't really care for anymore, didn't plan to befriend, didn't plan to have in your life anymore? Not for the first time, she thanked God or fate or whatever celestial power ruled her life that she and Clarence had not had children together.

Robin made the introductions: "Clarence, this is Nathan. Nathan, Clarence." As if any were needed!

Clarence displaced a hand to be shaken. "Now, I think I met you at my wedding. Weren't you one of those in attendance?"

"As I recall," Nathan said. He confined himself to the handshake. He had always envied Clarence his easy confidence, his way of assuming he could just charm his way through any situation. He caught Robin's hand in his own and held it fast, and then cursed himself for possessiveness.

Nathan was right about the operating budget.

For a while it was just small talk: nice weather we've been having, did you catch the game last night. Then there was a lot of catching up to do. Nathan gave the condensed version of his life story--it had been boring, by and large, if pleasant so far--and Robin the sanitized version of hers. She knew fully what Nathan had sensed: that Clarence was quick to attack weakness. She did not intend to show any. She held Nathan's hand over the table.

Clarence did most of the talking for this section of the conversation; he was, Nathan thought, the kind of man who loved the sound of his own voice. From the way he said it, he had indeed gotten his life in turnaround: evidently, being left by his wife had shaken him up some, and he'd taken the chance to sit down and really think about who he'd become. "I never thought... I mean, I never expected to be that kind of man, you know? The kind of man that a woman would have to leave."

That seemed silly to Nathan--had he never been broken up with over the course of his life?--but he went with it. "We always figure this sort of thing will happen to somebody else. We always figure we're too...normalfor it to happen to us."

Clarence mimed firing a gun at him. "Bullseye. That's exactly it, man. That's exactly it." As a salute, it left something to be desired, but Nathan kept his face impassive. "I just... It wasn't where I expected to be, you know? So I really sat back and figured out how I'd got there, and... Excuse me." A buzzing noise interrupted him. He glanced down, pulled out his cellphone, frowned at it for a moment, silenced the call. "Where was I?"

Robin had taken the moment to glance at her boyfriend. Clarence was playing the charm full force, and she could see that Nathan wasn't particularly impressed by it--and, probably, was a little resentful that he wasn't fully able to resist it. But it would keep him on his guard, and that was all she could ask for right now. "I had just left you," she said helpfully. "You wanted to figure out what went wrong."

To hear Clarence tell it, he had embarked on a massive self-improvement campaign from then on out. He'd started searching the job market, started hitting the gym, started eating healthier. He'd even (he confessed) canceled his cable subscription to channels of an... adult nature--now, now, he knew this would shock her, because she'd never suspected, but, even while they were married, well... He played the shame well. It might even be genuine.

Robin had her doubts. Clarence had a pretty thorough metabolism; he didn't seem to have gained, or lost, much weight since she'd last seen him, and she knew that he might not have actually changed his lifestyle. But as a decoration, it was mostly harmless, and how would she prove it? Besides, hewasin the police force now. Clearly, he'd made good onsomelevel; the cops weren't stupid enough to take on a total screw-up. She hoped. Nonetheless, she decided to obey the speed limit exactly for the rest of her life.

Several times during the recitation, Clarence's phone rang. Each time, he muted it. "Don't you want to get that," Nathan asked, "maybe there's a big accident on the freeway," but Clarence shook his head. Finally he made some adjustment and tossed it down on the table. "Damn these new gizmos. I could never understand them. I'm too old for them. Remember when phones had a dial?"

"I try not to," Nathan said.

"So," said Clarence. "Yeah. I done my best to turn myself around. I'm not proud of what I once was. But, I've done what I can, and now I can put that behind me."

"Good," said Robin, "good. Clarence, that will help you. A man who can face his mistakes... Women like that."

Clarence looked at her. "Do you like that?"

"O-Of course," said Robin, startled. Nathan had a moment of upswelling fear, remembering everything she had said about Clarence's ability to get an inch and take a foot. But she smiled and added: "Why do you think I'm with Nathan?"

"Mmm," said Clarence, nodding. "Good of you. So, Nathan, what is it that you do again? Some computing stuff?"

Nathan nodded. "They're getting pretty complex these days. Really, it's not too hard--I think that, if the average person were brave enough to open up their computer, they could figure a lot of it out by themselves. But most people think their computers are these magic boxes that they don't have a chance of understanding. Which means that, if it breaks, they're in trouble. My company exists to fix those problems."

"So, basically," said Clarence, with just enough delay to indicate skepticism. "People pay you to do something they could probably do for themselves... For free."

Nathan gave a shrug. "Well, you could say that about most services. Car washes? Hair dressers? Restaurants? People are willing to pay for peace of mind, for confidence that the job's being done well." It was a low blow--and besides, he believed in gun control--but he threw it anyway: "Even your job would be like that, if everyone had guns."

Robin gave him a cross look, but Clarence took it up in an unexpected way: he slapped the table and guffawed. "Lord, ain't that the truth! Why have a police force, anyway? It's right there in the Constitution. The Founding Fathers always felt that the people should have the right to overthrow the government if necessary--why else would they put the Second Amendment in? But, I tell ya, man--" He slapped the table again. "If we got rid of the cops, who'd be between us and the idiots with guns? Ha!" Oh, he got a big laugh out of that one. Robin and Nathan traded glances, not entirely sure what to make of it.

"So, what," said Clarence, once he had his composure back, "you gotta... Run around all day, fixing up people's broken computers?"

"More or less," said Nathan.

"Ever get, like, crazy stuff? Like, somebody stick an apple in it?"

Nathan shrugged. "More or less." It had been noodles. Mrs. Brakowski was now sternly admonished not to let her toddler wander into the computer room.

"Must not be a lot of money in that kind of work," Clarence said.

"You'd be surprised," said Nathan, shrugging again. "It pays the bills, and that's all that matters."

"Sure enough, sure enough," said Clarence. "Still, don't you got a future to think about? I mean, what about your children?"

"Whataboutour children?" Robin said sharply.

Clarence seemed taken aback for the first time that day. "Well, I mean... Don't you gotta provide for them? That's a lot of money. What's the statistic now? Half a million to raise one child to adulthood?"

Put that way, itdidseem kind of worrisome. Robin spoke as much to allay her own fears as to answer the question: "Then, before we have them, we'll make sure we're ready."

Clarence blinked. "...'Before'?"

"Clarence, I don't know where you got the idea that Nathan and I have children. I've certainly never said anything to that effect."And if we did, I probably wouldn't have told you."Perhaps we will some day. But not yet."

"Oh," said Clarence, "oh. Well. Well!" He laughed. "I just... I just figured... Well, you must excuse me. When you get to be our age, after all... Biological clock starts ticking and all that." He seemed curiously lightened by the resolution.

"Well, we'd have to get married first," Nathan said. "Unless we wanted to do it the other way. Which I don't think we do. We figure, let's get some money under our feet, get done with our jobs... You know. Take our time."

"What, you're gonna make her have a job even if you marry her?" Clarence said. He turned to his ex-wife. "Wouldn't you rather get to stay home and relax all day?"

The last time I did that, my husband criticized me for it."I find it better to be productive," she said smoothly.

Clarence looked between them for a long time. "Robin," he said finally, "darlin, I... Hold on." His phone was shrilling again, hopping up and down on the white tablecloth. "Darlin, I... I hate to be the one to have to say this, but... Are you sure he's the right one for you?"

Robin felt her eyes narrow. "What?"

"I'm just... I'm just saying that a, a woman of your... Of your worth, and talents, and breeding... Ought to be treated better than you are."

Nathan gave a single snort of derision. "Thisis what you made me order a fifty-dollar appetizer for?"

"Clarence, I havenoidea what is going through your head, but whatever it is, you can just stop it right now."

"Now, darlin," he said, a picture of wide-eyed innocence, "don't go over-reacting on me--"

"Don't patronize me, Clarence," she said.

"I amnotpatronizing you," he insisted. "I am merely concerned--as someone who was once a member of your life, a fairly important member-- Oh, for God's sake!" It was the phone again.

"Yes, youwerean important member," Robin said as he fumbled for it. "And, as I recall, you've done some thinking as to why you'renotanymore. Want to talk about what you learned?"

"Yeah, I did some thinking," Clarence said. "And what I see in your fellow right now is a lot of what I was back then! You can't blame me for--"

"What yousee?" Robin said, her voice icy. "Or what youwantto see?"

She saw Clarence's eyes harden--the same rage that had once meant she was in for another painful night. It still had some power over her, even now, and she turned to Nathan. "Wanna help out a bit, hon?"

Nathan gave a single mirthless laugh. "Why? You're doing fine on your own." And he squeezed her hand, and when she turned back to her ex-husband she could face him without flinching.

"For your information, Nathan is not a workman clipping wires together in the back of some garage. He is thepresidentof a company that fixes most of the computers in this city. I keep my job because I like it--because, believe it or not, sitting at home eating bon-bons isnotmy idea of an ideal lifestyle. And Nathan is perfect for me.Perfect."

"Oh really?" said Clarence, with an audible sneer.

"Yes," said Robin. "Because he understands me. Who would you prefer to set me up with? What'syourcounter-offer?"

Nathan said, "Himself."

Now it was her husband Clarence was frowning death at; but Nathan had been affecting a bored nonchalance this entire time, gazing out over the restaurant; and now, even with the heat-ray glare of Clarence's anger on him, he didn't flinch or even twitch. She hadn't known he had that much steel in him.

The impasse was broken by the cell phone again. Clarence made to mute it, but Robin--possessed by something, a devil maybe--was faster. The little display on the front said "Home", which could mean anything. She flicked it open, ignoring Clarence's protests, and said, "Hello?"

There was a long silence from the other end of the phone, punctuated finally by a bluster of noise: "What the fucking Jesus?"

"I believe fucking Jesus is against several religions, ma'am," said Robin. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Nathan smirk.

"Who the fuck is this! What are you doing answering this phone, slut?"

"Well, I beg your pardon, ma'am," Robin said, struggling to keep a straight expression. Clarence could probably not hear the other party over the din of the restaurant--then again, this woman was yelling so loud he could probably hear the tone of the words, if not the words themselves. His expression--twisting from anger to dread to triumph in equal amounts--was something to behold. "Perhaps you have a wrong number. Whom were you trying to reach?"

"Is this or is this not Mr. Cluth's cellphone?!"

"Umm, as a matter of fact it is, ma'am." Glibness seized her: "Clarence Cluth's cellphone speaking. How may I help you."

"You tell that motherfucking son of a bitch to get his ass back here right now! His son has been screaming its little ass off all morning! And you, my dear little hussy--the moment I find out what your name is, I will circulate it and my friends on the force will have you locked up! That is a married man you have sunk your pathetic little claws into! Prostitution is illegal in this state, as you damn well know seeing as you are one, and--"

Robin leaned the cellphone away from her ear, unable to keep the smile off her face now. "It's your wife!" she said. "Here, she wants to talk to you."

Nathan gave a single guffaw. What little color remained in Clarence's face subsided into pale fear. He shook his head.

The missus was still going. "--what he would want with a pathetic woman like you, probably a scrawny little bitch with tits like thimbles, what's your name, anyway, Butter??"

"Well, if you insist..." said Robin, and closed the phone and tossed it to the table.

Nathan sprang to his feet. "Darling? Shall we?" He bowed to Clarence. "It's been a pleasure."

"It has indeed," Robin said, beaming. "It's good to catch up with old friends, isn't it? Ciao."

Clarence remained sitting, staring at the table. As they left, the phone started ringing again.

They laughed all the way home.

***

In the days following, she spent more time with him than ever before: talking with him, laughing with him, touching him. There was little they didn't share in those couple of weeks. She felt more comfortable with him than she had with anyone, felt as though there need be no limits between them, no boundaries. But there was one. Just one.

When they first dated, Robin could never picture what it might be like if they were to do it. Obviously, there would need to be a marriage first--and that in itself was a whole minefield of treacherous forecasting. What would the weather be like? What church would it be in? How old would they be? Would she be wearing a white dress, or would Nathan want a different color for her? What music would be played? All these things would need to be answered; she had many of her own ideas, of course, but she wouldn't be the only person getting married that day. Andthenwould come the consummation, and about that she could picture even less, because about that she didnothave her own ideas. She understood, from biology textbooks throughout the years, what sex entailed, but she wasn't entirely sure why people wouldwantto have sex; Bio 101 never really covered that. Unless it had to do with the feeling she got from Nathan sometimes, when he kissed her really well or when she let him touch her skin under her clothes--the intimacy, the tenderness; the heat in the place between her legs, and the ache there, the emptiness needing to be filled. But if it wasn't like that, then, forget it, she was lost.

And shecertainlydidn't know very much about the mechanics and logistics of sex either: the first time she found out there were positions, she was flabbergasted. And what the hell was oral sex? A man put his mouthwhere? A man would do thatvoluntarily? If you paid Robin money,shewouldn't put her mouth on her own whatever! So if she wanted to contemplate what it might be like to make love to Nathan, it was largely a misty, unformed thing, a vague application of furniture-assembly instructions and the rumors that it was a fun thing to do. Whywouldit be fun, anyway? She assumed she'd figure out when she and Nathan got there. If they ever did.