What Couples Get Wrong About FLR

Most couples starting out on the FLR journey make the same mistake. They believe that an FLR is when a woman takes power from a man and forces him to obey her.

This is of course because most FLRs are introduced by the male partner, and most men are caught up in porn fantasies that follow the above scenario. In these fantasies, the man is often a 'reluctant' victim who is controlled and dominated by an overpowering, sadistic woman. She humiliates and punishes him in all kinds of creative ways to force him to obey her every wish. And her every wish in these scenarios are almost always centered around the man. Around doing things to him, hurting him, humiliating him, punishing him, subjugating him etc. etc. In other words, this is a male-focussed fantasy, designed to give him pleasure, which is of course the point of porn.

Now, a dose of reality.

The correct way to view a FLR is this: A man gives up power to the woman, and she then decides how to use that power.

In this reality, the way healthy FLRs actually work, the man is a willing participant who empowers his domme in the relationship. She then uses this new found power for her pleasure and benefit. And yes, he does obey her every wish... but her wishes are actually her wishes, not a bunch of fantasies about black latex and whips. (Though of course, if that's her jam, lucky him). In other words, this is a female-focussed reality, designed to give her pleasure, which is the point of an FLR.

What this means for your FLR

It can be very hard for some men to switch their brains out of the porn fantasy of being 'forced' to do things and punished for misbehaviour, and into the reality of being a willing submissive.

But I can assure you that rather than killing the eroticism, this way of thinking and behaving actually doubles it and makes everything even hotter, for the man as well as for his domme. This is especially true for bratty men. Consider the following examples and ask yourself, in which case does the woman have more power?

Example 1: A woman comes home to a dirty house. Her husband walks in and she scolds him for not doing his chores, before dragging him into the bedroom, where she canes him severely. He then reluctantly does his chores, for a while, before eventually slacking off in some other way and earning another punishment.

Example 2: A woman comes home to a clean house, her husband kneeling in wait for her. She orders him to make dinner and do the dishes, which he does without complaint, followed by a massage. He lays out her clothes for the next day while she is asleep. Even after she leaves the house, he continues to follow the rules and instructions she's set out for him to the best of his abilities.

Now tell me, in each example, who holds the real power? To me, it's obvious that the woman is more in control, more empowered, and more dominant in the second example. She is compelling him to act in a way which pleases her. In the first example, the man is compelling her to act in a way which pleases him.

In the second example, she is working for his benefit. In the second, he is working for her benefit.

Power exchange in an FLR is real. As a domme, you can have real, tangible power over your sub. But it is important to remember that this is only possible if the sub actively gives up that power. It is offered up freely.

Of course, that is only half of the transaction. Because even if the man gives up 100% of power completely to his domme, it makes no difference unless and until she decides to use it. If she only uses 10% of the power he gives her, that means only 10% of the power has truly been exchanged.

The good news for subs is that you don't have to wait a single second to become the slave you always wanted to be for your partner. You can, at any moment, decide to give up 100% of your power to her in any or all parts of your life. There is no limit to how much power you can voluntarily give someone else.

The good news for dommes is that you are under no obligation to fulfill the whims and secret fantasies your sub has about how you will use your power. It's your power, you get to choose how to use it, and how much to use it.

Perhaps he's given you complete power over how he spends his time, but you aren't the type of person to micromanage, and aren't really interested in that aspect of the FLR. So you say 'Do as you wish, unless I say otherwise.' Even though you are choosing not to use power in that particular area, you still reserve the right to use it at any point in the future, should you change your mind.

To summarise, let me outline exactly what the roles and expectations are for each partner in an FLR:

It is the man's job to give up power.

It's important to note that this is something he must commit to and follow through every single day. If a man claims he will do whatever she asks, and then continually disobeys her, he hasn't truly given up any power. If you promise to obey your wife, then you must obey her, day in and day out, regardless of how you feel -- that is the nature of true power. Anything less takes power away from her and undermines the whole relationship. How much power you give up is up to you. You don't have to give up all power over everything. But it is your job as the sub to follow through on the power you do give up. If you promise not to come without permission, it is 100% on you to follow through with that promise as best you can.

It is the woman's job to use power.

Once your man has given you power, it is up to you to make use of it. The more power you decide to use, the more power you have. If he has promised to obey you, then every time you give him an order you are making use of that power and therefore making it real.

Depending on how much power your sub gives up to you, there are basically infinite ways you can use it. For your pleasure, or for his if you desire. There are a million creative ideas for how you might use your power, and there are countless examples online, many of which I have written about elsewhere.

For me, this is an intoxicating thought. I see all of these ideas like toys lined up in front of me, for me to use or not use as I please. It's a delicious idea, and the reason I love being a domme.

Hopefully that simplifies the biggest misconception about FLRs and how to approach them correctly.

I would like to add a disclaimer, however.

Just because things like whipping and humiliation and so forth are usually for his benefit, does not mean the domme should never do them. First of all, she might enjoy them for her own reasons. If he's given you the power to whip him, and you love whipping him, by all means go to town.

However, even if you don't enjoy these things but he does, that still doesn't mean you should never do them. Perhaps you're in a good mood and want to reward your sub. Or you just enjoy playing into his kinks and pleasuring him. Again, it is your choice. What's important to remember is to know who is in charge.

As the domme, you should always be aware of whether you're doing something to please him, or to please yourself.

That doesn't mean you should never please him. But you should be aware that you're doing so.

A common issue that might arise is that the sub gives up a lot of power, but his domme only uses a little. Or, she uses the power in a way he doesn't necessarily like.

As the sub, you may ask your domme to use more of her power. Or request that she use her power in a certain way. But do not forget that you are NOT entitled to these things. You can't give someone power and then tell them how to use it -- if you do that, you haven't really given them anything at all. You can ask, and then hope your domme is generous enough to indulge you.

Dommes beware: asking can quickly become nagging and then demanding. Your sub is not in a position to demand anything, and nagging is annoying. If this is happening, communicate your irritation. Tell him that he's nagging and annoying you or being too demanding. And remind him that it's your power to do with as you like. And it also helps to remind him that, if he's not willing to surrender that power to you properly, he hasn't really given you any power at all.

My approach to disobedient or lazy subs who forget too many rules is to tell them that if they aren't prepared to truly commit to giving me power to use as I wish, they should reconsider giving up that power at all. If you won't commit to submitting to me, why should I commit to dominating you?

From here, the couple journeys forward together, but ultimately it is the Domme who finds the path forward. She must find out her favourite ways to use the power her sub has given her, and take maximum advantage of this. He, on the other hand, may provide her with ideas that turn him on, directions she might go in, and other ways she might use her power.

She will like some of his suggestions and dislike others, but it is all up to her what she does in the end. It is important as the domme to pay attention to your own likes and dislikes and to use your power in ways that make your life easier and more pleasurable. The more you do this, the more you will enjoy being dominant and the more your sub will enjoy serving you.

It is an amazing journey of discovery, when done right, and there are so so many opportunities for all kinds of pleasures along the way.

With that thought in mind, I will leave you with one final reminder -- the single rule that you both must follow. Hold to this rule, and you can have a healthy and fulfilling FLR:

His Role is to Give Up Power

Her Role is to Use Power

Good luck!