tagReviews & EssaysWhat Defines a Lady?

What Defines a Lady?


"I am no lady!" was what she said to me in an e-mail. It got me thinking if I was a lady myself? Then I got some really 'wonderful' feedback, anonymous of course. A reader called me a ". . . fucked up degenerate slut . . .", so what was I? Up to this moment I thought I was a lady. But I guess we need to define 'Lady' and see how I rate.

I think any conversation like this should start off with a definition. What is a Lady? Since my definition might be suspect, let's examine lady-like behavior in three dimensions, the professional, the personal, and the intimate. Professional behavior is how you behave in your professional live, how you act when dealing with professional situations. Personal is how you behave away from work. Now some people say that may not matter, but I disagree. I think we are very different people at work and when we are hanging with friends. Not to say one is more ladylike than the other, but I think a professional environment and a personal environment would bring out different things in most anyone. And I find nothing wrong with someone who allows their hair down a bit when away from the professional atmosphere to be unladylike. Now the intimate dimension is most certainly different from the others. That's how you behave in private and with someone whom you are on very close intimate terms. If you act like a professional there . . .OK, let's not go there. Let's just say that when you are alone with your sweetie, I bet your behavior is very different than when you are at work or hanging with friends. If not, then either you are really uptight -- or you need to tell me what kind of job you have because I want it too!

OK, let's look at the professional dimension first. I really do try and act the way my Mom always taught me a lady should act. I walk with an upright carriage reminiscent of the book-balanced-on-head days of childhood. No, Mom never drilled me like that, I learned from my best friend Patty -- who thought we would be excellent models when we were all of 11 years old.

I keep my knees together with my ankles crossed, especially in a skirt and dress. Mom and I laughed at the movie "A League of Their Own" with the etiquette teachers showing the others how to be a lady. "Now ladies, knees together, cross your feet at the ankles, remember a lady reveals nothing." Those were close to the words Mom used when she taught me how to sit in a dress a long time ago. Nowadays I do it mostly out of habit -- and because I teach high school and if you need an explanation about why I sit that way as a teacher in a high school, try it someday and you will see what I mean!

It's funny when I drink tea or coffee from a cup, as opposed to my standard mug, I do find myself extending a pinky, it helps balance the cup in my hand. Is this lady-like? I can't remember that lesson from Mom.

I also dress professionally, at least for my job, more so than some of my contemporaries. No jeans, short skirts, or tight tops at the school. I did wear a short skirt once, and being over 70 inches tall seemed to make my legs more noticeable, much more commented on, and even groped in the crowded halls that day, I had the bruises to prove it. Trust me; I never made that mistake again.

My hair styles and make-up are always simple and done with a light touch. My favorite way to wear my hair is simply pulled back and tied off. My make-up accentuates rather than remakes my face. My perfumes are all subtle; most of my friends can barely tell that I wear any scent at all.

When it comes to the people around me, I am almost always unfailingly polite, even if I believe some of them to be assholes devoid of any sense of humor. I am courteous in my speech and even refrain from using my stadium voice indoors. If you need an example of a stadium voice see the film "Imagine Me & You" starring Lena Headey. Just go see her in anything, she's delicious and I thought so long before she and Piper Perabo got into that wonderful lip-lock. The thorns scene will have you laughing -- but I'm getting sidetracked here.

So to the public eye I meet my Mom's idea of being a Lady, or at least ladylike. But am I a Lady away from work, in that so challenging personal dimension?

Here is where I have more of a problem. What defines a "Lady" in that arena? No one ever laid those rules on me. Mom was always most concerned with public appearance, and she really did mean professional. She never told me how to be a lady when hanging with friends. My college classes on getting and keeping a job also focused on similar behavior in public. Is there such a thing as being a lady in private? I think so, but I guess we all have to make up the definition as we go.

I really and truly am not the same person away from work, but that doesn't mean I am less a lady. I guess we'll see about that one. The reason I'm different is primarily because I am no longer surrounded by high school kids. I'm past 30, I can call them kids. At school I'm much more guarded about what I say and how I act because while the law may protect me in many instances, acting too much off the beam tends to create some very hostile work environments and I have been in them before and have no wish to be in one again. So my 'personal' persona is more relaxed away from the school.

I dress very casually and if I am going out, I LOVE short skirts! I also like a Guinness, Tequila, Port wine, and Peach Schnapps, just not all in one glass. I love to dance and spend time with my friends. My hair is usually left unfettered and my make-up is more pronounced, mainly to highlight and enhance -- and if you had my flat face you would want to highlight and enhance as much as possible. I do refrain from putting on my make-up with a trowel and I hate raccoon eyes.

I am also more uninhibited in personal contact with my friends. I love giving and getting hugs and some kisses. I am open to try things and have no fear of enjoying myself. I can be a bit loud and boisterous, but I try and keep it within the appropriate venue. I mean its fine to be loud in a club but not in a park late at night.

So am I a Lady in that personal dimension? I think so. I behave in a way I think is perfectly appropriate for a single, 30+, somewhat attractive female, with a full set of working hormones does when she's having fun. I can't even imagine this not being lady-like. I mean repressing yourself to meet some silly idea of what is ladylike in private when no one has defined it for you? I mean get real! OK, I do take an exemption for that party in San Francisco. I mean everyone was getting intimate themselves. I can't even claim alcohol was the cause; but it did help move things into the intimate-zone quicker. We all knew what the party was about, so it should be on the acceptable list of ladylike behavior. So maybe that's the definition of what being a lady when out with friends is that you behave accordingly to the situation. Getting loud at a club is ladylike, getting loud on the street outside your home isn't. If the party turns into a . . . well orgy is the only word, but even that pales in comparison to what actually happened . . . but that's appropriate for the situation, then you are still a Lady. I doubt Mom would agree, but even she might have had a problem resisting that party! Oh yea and the one in Vegas is also an exemption, that one was caused by alcohol and a partner that set me up by feeding me double shots and making sure I was fully ready for a night of total abandon. At least that was at a private club. Oh and the 'Gentlemen's Club' was another exemption, because my partner at that time set me up again! Thanks Beth!

Ok, no more thinking along those lines or I might come up with some personal activity that should have been best left to the intimate and I got carried away. I do think a Lady should be allowed to get a little carried away sometimes. I mean who wants to keep their hair in a bun and their panties in a bunch 24-7? Ladies should be allowed to have some fun, shouldn't they?

Now in that intimate zone, here I think Mom would have the hardest time defining lady-like behavior. Does being polite means your partner orgasms first? I know she does have a problem equating lady-like with my preference for female partners, but that shouldn't enter into the equation. A lesbian has just as much a chance of being a lady as a straight. I've seen many lady and unlady-like examples of both.

For example in a country-western bar in New Mexico, seeing a girl rising and falling while sitting in her boyfriends lap was definitely unlady-like. I mean this wasn't in the bathroom, or even on the dance floor. She was fucking him right at the bar. She was leaning on the bar, her ass in his lap, and he was smiling that goofy smile guys get when they get close to cumming -- you know the one, it's the one when they are about to cum too freaking quickly. Plus the howl when he orgasmed -- oh was that girl pissed! Add in the mess they left on the seat, which made the cute waitress use some very unlady-like language, proved to me even straight girls can be unladylike. It did make me careful of where I sat in that club!

Lesbians can also be unladylike. Some of the more . . . stereotypical -- yea that's the word . . . lesbians seem to go out of their way to act like the worst I've seen in some men. Yanking my hair and calling me 'bitch' is not a good way to get my attention, as one supposed hard-ass butch found out. I am more likely to kick your ass than get all hot and bothered and go home with you riding pillion on your Harley.

There is some behavior best left for the intimate venue. Now if my girl friend calls me bitch and pulls my hair in the heat of passion, that's fun! But do it in the personal or public venue and all you've done is piss me off.

Plus the idea of sitting with my knees together and ankles crossed makes little sense in the intimate dimension. I want my legs spread wide, I want to look down and see a certain someone's hair bouncing up and down as she does such delightful things to me with a tongue I swear is prehensile. I want her holding my ankles as she pounds me into near unconsciousness with this amazing toy she has. I also want to have her on her hands and knees while I use that same toy on her in any and all orifices! If this is unladylike, I can't understand why. I mean Mom always told me to take care of all a guest's needs, even one they didn't know they had! (Yes, lover, that was a slip -- but you liked it after the pain faded, remember?)

So there you have it, the definition of a Lady: professional at work, fun to be with in the personal, and totally uninhibited in the intimate. Based on that I think I am a Lady, what do you think? Are you, or your significant other a Lady?

If you like my definition, let me know how it applies to you, and if all you want to do is pass on anonymous nasty feedback, you can Suck Lemons! Why suck lemons, you ask? Well I am too much of a lady to tell you to kiss my ass!

All feedback is gleefully accepted, and I think I would certainly enjoy reading some on this topic. Do you think I'm a lady? I will compile the most interesting response here both for and against and post them here in a follow-up!


P.S. And my dear Aef, I still think you're a Lady, my kinda Lady -- not some hair so tight in a bun the brain quit working, panties in a knot, legs glued together, with a sour look on your face from seeing me with my friends! You are a lady and a good soul. Thank you!

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