All Comments on 'What He Wants Of Me Ch. 01'

You have a number of problems with the story. For instance look at the logic problem in this paragraph.

"All I can do is stand there shocked as Jake and three of his friends walk in the room. These are new friends, but both of them are big…very, very big. As they start to entire the room, I get my voice back. "Jake, what the hell do you think you're doing? Get out of my room!" I start to reach for the towel I had disregarded earlier but Jake gets to it first and throws it behind him."

Is it both of them or three of them?

Also you discarded the towel, you didn't disregard it.

Have a proof reader read it for you. Your idea was creative, it just needed some finishing touches.

I would have given this story a higher rating if it had been edited a bit before submission. You moved from a first-person rendition to second-person halfway through the story, then returned to first-person again. You had a lot of misspelled words. There was also a logic problem, as stated in another comment about the story. I would be glad to edit it for you (I am an editor by profession). Stories like this one really make me want to sign up as an editor for Literotica! Hey, I think I will! Good luck in your future writing endeavors.

Gotta agree with the other comments, editing badly needed. Twas rather hot though, with more editing woulda gotten much higher score from me i think.

You switched between past tense and present tense all the time. Switched between calling the adopted brother by name and calling him you.

If that bar above had something negative 1 that where it felt. Sloppy work there. I don't know where you went after that...felt jumbled...it was like he was huge as giant that came in raped her. Okay descriptions come in very beginning and why hell did the parents leave the man must gloated about that?

Character of story wasn't any point introduced or shall I say it her build wasn't given any description...so all I get was why was he interested in defiling his step sister?

Another thing where did he do it in was it her room or his room...it was jumbled sort thing going on. Editing or proof reading it was literotica editor might help have him proof read first.

All rape is jumbled but then again this from observor point of view...was she flashing in out of conscious in my perspective it appeared he had her in diaper legs up ready for sick transitional rape.

Couldn't she have window open or cell phone to call for help...I mean if social worker visits she could tell her secretly the guy is evil?

Story had little truth in situations of rape...but I find it rather not very fictional if was fictional try to give descriptions of brute or something and usually most characters like rape without a gang...in the story if big...well do it without friends in bound if he bully just have him tie up character. and so forth...

But what bugged me why didn't she have mace? when did this happen like when conventional ability to defend thy self wasn't use?

This was good and had potential, but could have been better. If i may make a suggestion or two? don't rush things. If you rush through the story, you loose out on descriptiveness and scene setting that could make the mood much hotter. another, vocabulary.use descriptive words, especially for genitals and sexual motions. You are a very attractive woman, and have definite potential, and would please any Master. I hope too see much more from you, and of you ;)

I won't say anything about the editing, as it seems everyone else has chosen to do so. What I will say, though, is that I can definitely get the deeper sense of what it is you're wanting to portray as far as this male dominant figure and female submissive figure are concerned. She spoke with another man for two minutes and he went ballistic. Every woman wants to be cherished to some degree - and to be so maddeningly cherished by a powerful figure that he would keep tabs on her and immediately mete out punishment should he see something that sends him into a jealous rage, in many ways, an ultimate rush for those who really and truly desire (read: NEED) approval - at least, in a fantasy setting. You want your heroine to be wanted. That comes through loud and clear in your story, and I think that's great.

Do you think that a story with this plot is worth reading? Do you expect anybody to get aroused by it? Family of naive girl adopts young psychopath. For some reason they want to keep him around (he's always spiffed up when the child protection inspector drops by). No-brains psychopath brings two or three of his thuggish friends over to fuck and abuse "innocent" daughter. Which they do. Daughter is too dumb to call the cops. She also seems unable to report the psycho to her parents. Nothing here makes sense.

The best part is when the daughter gets out her ruler and measures their cocks.

It truly does have a lot of potential. The story itself is great, but here are a few tips:

Edit, or make use of the people standing by on this site who volunteer to edit. The spelling errors and the constant back-and-forth between second and third person point of view really detracts from the story.

Also, the back story was great, but the sex scene itself could use some more fleshing out. It seemed like, in the story, the events would have taken a fair amount of time to transpire, and I feel like they deserve more time spent describing them as opposed to the quick wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am kind of writing.