What The Hell Ch. 04

I nodded. "She also told me you two sleep together." I sort of spat that at her.

She went to speak but paused and lowered her head. "I was told I can't call you Lex or Alexa, that privilege was removed when I fucked up."

I just looked at her, she continued. "I don't know how to say this so it doesn't come out the wrong way, but I will try."

She paused, "I love you and only you. I had physical needs and yes, Lisa does as well. Geoff knows he married a kinky slut, you don't know the half of it. So yes we sleep together, have sex together but it is sex, Alexandra, sex! But I love you!"

She paused and put her hands to her face. "Alexandra I am so sorry."

I do not know why. It was purely instinctive, my hands moved of their own accord. My hands cupped hers and pulled her closer to me. I pulled Roxie to my chest; I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her.

I put my lips to her ears and spoke. "I will say this one time, only once. If you ever, ever, tell someone about our love life, about my love life, about anything involving us, without my approval, I will never... and I mean never fucking speak to you again!"

I pulled away from her as she looked up at me. "Alexandra I won't, I promise I won't."

"I swear to god and I promise on her grave I will beat your ass and leave you rotting on the street, you slut!" I semi smiled. "Oh don't get me wrong, I am still pissed, you aren't forgiven, you have a long road to go, but I am still pissed."

I paused and cupped her cheeks with my hands looking deep into her eyes. "No! We aren't dating, yet."

I took a deep breath. "Rox, I need to figure this out. I broke Veronica's heart and mine over you; I am no good for her. She deserves so much better than how I treated her." I released her head and leaned back on the couch.

"Damn she is an amazing woman, Roxie. Veronica is an amazing woman. You better not fuck with my head again."

Roxie reclined and rested her head on my chest. She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me gently. She whispered, asking if she could kiss my cheek. I didn't respond.

What the hell is wrong with me?

~~~

A few weeks before the Halloween party I was playing for the children, it was my day off. I heard the "click clack' of heels coming down the hallway. Trust me that's a sound that echoes off these walls. I continued playing but as I looked up towards the sound, my stomach churned and tightened, I was going to be ill.

I looked up to see Mrs. Flannegan, Trish, Veronica and two others walking down the hall. One was taking notes. Trish stopped the entire group, halting the conversation, just listening. When I finished a song, I announced to the children and the parents that I am sorry my schedule was tight and I needed to leave.

As I was closing the piano and storing the sheet music, Trish approached with the group in tow. I hurried to grab my things and leave but she called out to me. She called out to me with a wide smile on her face.

I half smiled when she reintroduced me to Mrs. Flannegan, the two staff volunteers and then she smiled. "And of course you know Veronica."

I smiled and greeted each person. Veronica's expression was cold, harsh, and acrimonious at best. I cringed, "If you would please excuse me, I must be off, I am late."

Trish reached out and took my hand. She looked to her left at Mrs. Flannegan and then the others, "I will be right with you. I am walking our wonderful pianist to the elevator.

She turned and almost jerked my hand walking with me. The deafening 'click clack' of her heels echoed louder in the hall, her pace was quicker. This wouldn't be a pleasant experience.

As we walked she bit at me through tight lips. "Would you care to explain? And yes it is my business!"

"I am sorry but it isn't." I murmured.

"Oh young lady, you have no idea who you are fucking with. You think you are some hard-nosed kid from the streets? Just let me tell you bitch, I used to run the streets of Southie."

We came to a halt at the elevator doors.

She turned and looked at me. "The ridiculousness you put her through, over the phone! I should slap your face right now." She stopped as a few employees were walking down the hall.

"Here is what you are going to do. I don't care why you hurt her, I don't care who you are with and I don't care about anything except my friend. You get your head out of your ass and back in her arms where you belong."

"Trish thank you but you know so little but rest assured, I never meant to have her fall in love with me, I never meant to hurt her or me for that fact. So please leave well enough alone she deserves so much more than this slut from Southie."

I pulled my arm from her and made my way to the stairwell. I ran as fast as I could down the stairs and dropped my badge and ran from the hospital to the safety of home.

When I arrived I could see Al was preparing meatballs and gravy, they took a full day in the fridge before cooking them. I came into the kitchen and he looked at me.

"I think it is time for a nice long chat." His tone was firm.

For the next hour we just chatted, I filled him in on the drama my life held and the hell I caused others. I blamed myself for everything as I was too young to understand life and consequences. He didn't say much, he put the meatballs in the fridge.

When he finished his second glass of red, he took my hands and said, "Consequences are having a baby, your step-brother, was born out of wedlock. The mother of that baby, your stepbrother, overdosing without you knowing she was a drug addict. Consequences are your mother having you, working her ass off while raising a smart, intelligent and very talented young woman."

He stood and poured a third glass of red. "Those you consequences you cannot change, they are not reversible."

"Reversible consequences are dating the wrong woman, getting, or not getting married, and they sure as heck are you breaking someone's heart. You can fix all of this, but you, my darling daughter, must be the one to act."

"I suggest that tomorrow night you start fixing reversible consequences. I will not be here but you will be. I suggest you have a few ladies over for dinner and start to repair the consequences of your actions. It is time Alexandra. I have allowed this too long. You will act properly, young lady. You will serve my meatballs and gravy for dinner and the three of you will work this out. Trust me."

He smiled, "These meatballs have been mending hearts or the fences around those hearts for nearly twenty-five years. Just ask your mother."

Al turned and walked from the room. Over his shoulder he firmly spoke, "No quemes mi comida." Which translates to "Do not burn my food."

I sat there frozen in time, stunned. Could I do this?

~~~

The first call was very easy, that was to Roxanna. "Hey, I want you to come to dinner. Maybe even call it a date." I heard her grin through the phone. Just the way she breathed I knew she was smiling. "There are rules." I waited for a second.

"One kiss, on the cheek and maybe one kiss goodnight." I paused. "The second rule, no arguing, no fighting, and no shouting." She murmured. "Rule three; you will wear jeans, a nice blouse and a bra!" I needed to remind her of that. "Dress up but do not dress as a slut. Do you hear me?"

She didn't say anything. "Do you hear me and agree?" I asked again.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" She exclaimed.

"Okay, five thirty. Do not be late."

Now for the second call, this was going to be brutal, she would berate me, which I fully deserved. Veronica picked up on the third ring.

"Yes? And how may I help you?" She sounded angry in her words. I expected nothing less.

"I hope you will accept but I understand if you do not." I started.

"What is it that you want? I was in the middle of something important."

"Yes, I am sorry to bother you. I would like to invite you to dinner tomorrow evening, at my house. I am hoping you will accept. If you would like to come I will have dinner ready at six if you would like, please come a bit before. Maybe five forty-five?"

"Has Trish put you up to this?"

"No, she had spoken to me but this was actually my step-father's idea. I hope to see you tomorrow night Veronica."

"I will consider your invitation. Good night." And like that she hung up.

So much for mending hearts but maybe the fence could be mended.

My phone buzzed with a text. 'Can I tell Lisa we are dating again?' I smiled. I replied calling her a slut then said she could never keep anything secret but she could share that we have a date planned. I started thinking, plotting, and scripting a plan in my mind.

~~~

In true Roxie fashion she showed up early. I was barely dressed when I heard her knock on the door. I looked at the clock, it was five fifteen. I came down the steps and stopped, I looked in the mirror once more. She knocked again.

"One second." I spoke up.

"You know I can see you looking at yourself in the mirror." She said, "Hush Roxanna!" I responded then I stepped back as the 'click clack' of my heels made me smile. I opened the door.

"Oh holy wicked fuck Lex! You are beautiful." She spoke looking me up then down as I held the door open inviting her in. I closed the front door and turned to offer my cheek to her.

I felt her nose touch my skin; I felt her breath crossing my skin as she exhaled. My nipples hardened against my bra, my panties moistened. She kissed my cheek with the softness of a cotton ball floating against my skin. She held her kiss just enough to tease me.

She stepped back and reached for my hands. I smiled and offered them. My brown skirt came below my knees; the nude stockings glistened in the light of the foyer. My light, sky blue blouse was short sleeved with the top two buttons undone. My hair curled at the edges, partially over my shoulders, partially flowing down my chest.

She went to speak but I placed my finger on her lips. "Do you remember my rules?"

She nodded against my finger; I left it there and took a deep breath.

"I have dressed for you and for Veronica." Her eyes widened, I pressed my finger to her lips. "You agreed and promised to follow my rules. I do not think she will accept the invitation but I need to mend fences and hopefully hearts."

I lowered my finger and leaned forward pressing my lips softly to hers; it was just a soft simple kiss. "Now I have red wine breathing and waiting for us."

I poured and handed her a glass of wine. We chatted like old friends until I could see the strain on her face was at its bursting point.

I wasn't really planning on playing into her strain but I did. "I need an idea for a Halloween costume for the hospital. One I can still play in and one where I can hide myself if needed, blend in per se."

"How about you dress as the Tin Man, you have no heart." She snarled. "Why would you dare invite her to dinner?" She was quick. "You told me this was our date."

"Roxanna Marie! You promised!" I lowered my head; I knew this would never work out. What the hell is wrong with me?

I took a sip of wine. "No fighting, no shouting, no arguing Roxanna! You promised. If you want to kiss me goodnight you will follow my rules for the evening."

She nodded.

"I will try to explain, I love you, and I love Veronica. Those are facts. I cannot deny them. I love you both. You both do different things to my heart, soul, and mind and one day, again, I hope for my body."

When she went to speak, I interrupted her. "No she doesn't know you are here, if she shows at all. And you will follow my rules and like it!:

I took a deep breath. "When mom was alive and you were in charge you were the "bitch-boss". I have that title for the evening."

I walked to the oven and turned it lower, down to 250. The aroma of meatballs and gravy flowed and filled the kitchen. I moved the pan to the side and slid in an aluminum foil package of garlic bread, closing the door.

She looked at me. "Is that your mom's recipe?" I nodded. She smiled. "Fuck Lex, you are going all out. You must need sex."

I glared at her. "Rules Roxanna, rules damn you, and it is Alexandra tonight. Please."

"Alexandra, I must ask, do you still love me?" She looked so frail; I could see the hurt and sorrow in her eyes. My heart knew the truth.

"I just said I loved you. Yes I love you, and no they are not just words. Yes I love you. I am working on forgiving you but yes. Rox, I do love you. I am trying to figure this out. Can you please understand and not break this. Have an open mind for once, please."

I paused; I needed ammunition to combat her thoughts. "If you openly can have sex with Lisa, and not think twice about loving me why can't I have Veronica as well?"

"Fuck Lex, it's sex with a woman who loves and adores me, but I love you!" She took a sip of wine.

We sat silent for a few minutes. Roxie asked a valid question. "What does Veronica give you that I do not and potentially in the future, Lisa can't give you?"

I just lowered my head. I could name things but there was one tangible. She wasn't from Southie, she was elegant, she was sophisticated, and she was magical. She was high class, unobtainable.

"Roxanna, there are things I feel. When she took me to the Wang, to the Symphony I was floating on cloud nine, I forgot who I was, it was magical and I was her princess. You wouldn't ever want to do that, would you? I took her to Fenway. It was okay but babe, me and you, when we are at Fenway, it is so different."

We talked for fifteen more minutes, and then I looked at the clock on the stove, it was six ten. I lowered my head. She stood and walked over and placed her hand on my shoulder. I stood and excused myself to the restroom to wipe the tears that were filling my eyes.

She wasn't going to show. She was never late.

I carefully wiped the tears from my eyes and turned to go back and see Roxie, I heard a soft knock at the door. I took a deep breath and walked to the door, opening it. I smiled and opened the storm door inviting her into my home.

As Veronica stepped in, I closed the front door, and then turned to her. He was wearing a dark brown skirt, well below her knees and a light floral print blouse with red, yellow and brownish flowers.

I went to take her hands but she pulled back, strike one.

"Welcome to my family's home, my childhood home, where I live now. Thank you for coming. In openness and fairness to you and all honesty, I must share with you that my longtime friend Roxanna was also invited to dinner. I would like you to meet her."

Her eyebrows furrowed. She exhaled as her cheeks dropped, her lips turned downward. She straightened her shoulders as her gaze bored into my eyes.

"And why would you think I would want to meet her?" There was pure disgust in her voice. Veronica looked at me and took a step back towards the door.

"No please, wait! You must know how much I have missed you. I cannot lie to you Veronica." I dabbed my eye with a tissue. "I mean it I have missed you so much."

"She has. Take my word for it she has." Veronica's head turned, I cringed. Roxie cleared her throat as she stepped into the foyer. I turned my head quickly.

"It is a pleasure to meet you, Veronica, though we had met previously." Roxie spoke.

She nodded. "I believe we did meet at a function at Massachusetts General."

I interrupted. "Please let's have a seat. I would like to serve the wine and finish pulling dinner from the oven."

I escorted Veronica and Roxie to the table where I assisted each with sitting by pulling out their chairs and settling them in. I then poured each of them a glass of wine and filled their water glasses.

I pulled the casserole dish and the garlic bread from the oven. I carried them to the table, setting them both in the center of the table. I served Veronica and then Roxie. I sat and picked up my wine glass.

"Before I propose a toast, I would like to thank you both for coming under the guise of the unknown. I would also like to say I hope for a calm meal and a calm conversation. We three have so many commonalities, we just aren't aware of them, yet."

I paused. "A toast to happiness, the hope of friendships renewed, and apologies offered and accepted." I raised my glass moving closer, they didn't touch; the distance between us was a factor.

I started, "Veronica, Roxanna, is an oncology nurse at Mass Gen, she was my mother's oncology nurse for both of her diagnoses. She was at my mother's side when she passed."

I looked at Roxie and smiled wide, that didn't go unnoticed. "We have been best friends since high school."

"Roxanna, Veronica's son, sadly passed from terminal cancer, which was genetic in nature, from Veronica's partner and wife Abbie. She passed...." I stuttered. "I apologize Veronica; I do not recall how long ago your wife passed away."

There was a pause she took a deep breath then spoke. "The meatballs are divine, my compliments." I nodded. "Abbie passed away seven years ago. Joshua was only eight months old when she passed."

I set my fork down and in a motion to reach out she pulled back again. "Strike two." I thought to myself, it didn't go unnoticed by Roxie. I stood quickly.

"My apologies, I forgot the salad." I needed an excuse to get away, this was a failure. What the hell was I thinking? How stupid could I be?

I stalled my return by first going to the bathroom again to dry my tears, my ill-deserved tears. I heard them whispering to each other. I needed to end this, this was poorly planned.

Why did I even think about this? I made my way back to the table. Their voices stopped, they both looked at me. You needed a big sharp knife to cut the tension. I was done embarrassing myself thinking this would even be a good idea.

I was angry at myself. I pounded my fist to the table. "Damn I forgot the salad again." I stood and walked back to the kitchen, I started crying.

I returned with the salad and placed it in the center of the table. I picked up my wine glass and took a big sip of wine. I set it down while still standing behind my chair. I cleared my throat.

"You know I joked in the past how I needed a therapist. But I am a damn fool; I truly need my fucking head examined."

Roxie laughed, "Yeah you do baby."

I wiped my head around, but before I could say anything Veronica spoke up. "That wasn't called for Roxanna, apologize to her. She is at least making an attempt what are you here for?"

Roxie snapped. "What the fuck do you know? Can't you see she is still in love with you? Open your damn eyes Veronica!" She continued. "I am here because I am in love with her you stuck up..."

I wasn't quick enough. Veronica started to speak and I screamed looking between the two of them.

"Stop. Please just stop. I looked at Rox, "You promised me no arguments, no shouting, you promised Roxie!"

I threw my hands up in the air then let them flop to my side. My tears flowed freely, I had given up. I was defeated.

"To both of you I apologize. I have embarrassed myself enough this evening." I turned slightly looking at Veronica.

"To you Veronica I do apologize for you wasting your evening coming here. My feeble attempt to mend fences was a failure. God forbid I wanted to mend that fence and mend your broken heart."

I took a breath and exhaled slowly. "Veronica, she may be brash, but Roxie was truthful, I am still in love with you and now I see that you will never love me again."

I turned to Roxie, my hands covered my face. I knew this was the worst idea I ever had and that I was a failure.

"To you my dearest friend, I have no clue what I was thinking when trying this. I am a fool and a soul destined for... I do not know what."

"Rox, I am going to hide in my room. Lock up please." I turned and ran out of the room, up the steps and into my bedroom. I closed the door and put on some music to drown out the world.