All Comments on 'What We Do For Our Children Ch. 02'

You worked very hard to be thorough in your descriptions of the characters and their emotions. But you missed some key points that you need to cover in future stories. It might help you to step back and ask what would a reader want to read in a complete short story? I gave you four stars as you did tie your plot threads together fairly well and really put some good, creative ideas in this story. But, please think of the following: 1. How did and why Sue and tony met and decided to have an affair? 2. How did Carla and Rich meet, unless your reference to Joey was to explain this connection. 3. Why did Sue not keep repeating that she loved Rich during the martial (actually marital) sessions and during her major confession? 4. Sue should have told Rich if her cheating with Tony was her only time, assuming it was. Also, you should have told us what the one topic was that made Rich smile during her confession.

I agree with the anon who wrote about open threads to your story. My hang up is a little different. You started this story in LW. It should have stayed there. Reconciliation done properly is not blasted by the BTB bunch. You demonstrated the parties going through their own hell very well. There was no "romance" to speak of here. So because you chickened out by putting this in romance you only get a 4 from me.

Good character depth. You really need a proof reader, but that did not interfere with my enjoyment.

A neat tale but still awkward constructions. I found it difficult to work out who was speaking to whom and who, exactly, they were talking about. In para 5 both were tested for STD's and both negative. In the para 6 'the daughter was not'.

This is a missed it was boring!!!!!

Persons of the "Troll variety" only trash other's creativity. Its difficult to take an inspiration and compose it into a story. Don't give up, especially if you are presenting a significant opinion. Recently a very good submission regarding alcoholism "One For the Road" was trashed by the misogynist cowards who hid behind the anonymity veil.

Just look at their comments as a gastric expulsion from the alimentary canal!

Pay them no mind mind and keep up your efforts.

Thanks again,

SliperyRox

I always read the comments on my stories. I may not always agree, but I appreciate the effort that others make. I have only deleted a total of 2 comments since I started submitting. It was shear name calling. No one should have to read that.

I will admit, this is not my best work. I continue to try different techniques, with some and with some lacking success. I have a theme in most of my stories, it is rebuilding the relationship if it is possible. The things that people actually do to one another are really bad sometimes. A story that I have been working on will probably take another 3 months, I have to figure out what and how to say the things I want to say. That is probably why I write, putting things into words.

In this case, this story was a diversion for things happening in my family' s life (my Polish side, not my wife's Italian side). There will be a medical death of a sibling.

I have received some communication concerning parts of the stories. I can talk about people being connected (to the mob). I've seen it in person - at weddings and funerals. I've seen it with friends' families. It happens less and less, but it is real and it exists. I have Hispanic friends, and they experience it too.

But all in all, I have been attempting to write stories without explaining the entire world. I understand how this could make the story lacking in some cases.

I will respect the readers more by taking additional time to read and proof read my submissions. That I have heard loud and clear.

mea culpa, mea culpa mea maxa culpa

Thank you for your comments. Wieliczka

(by the way, this name was taken from the source of wealth of the Polish kings in the 1500's. At the time Kiev was a Polish city. By 1795, the country no longer existed on a map, but continues today. They never gave up. Check out wiki on it.)

Thanks, Anon on 7/15 for picking this up.

Marital counseling involves a degree in psychology.

Martial counciling might involve a military court, some karate, or maybe a caning.

You should be a producer or director or something. You stories have good plots and structure. But the content simply is not there. Its like someone has assembled all the needed ingredients for a great meal, and then expected the diners to fix it themselves. You can't serve a meal until after you have prepared it. You want us to enjoy your work, but you don't take the time to write out the action. You just report what happened. That's a book report, not a story.

I have enjoyed several of your stories over the last months. I came back to this one from reading one that you posted today (4/16/15). This story was a bit too convoluted to be as enjoyable as it could be. The first paragraphs did not describe the characters as well as would be desired, so I had to jump back to try to figure who "Tony" was and how he fit in. This is just an example as both couples were not fully developed early on, and their parents were introduced with fragments that were not really significant to the story. The old world connection to "connected" people finally became clear.

As I said -- I like your stories and this one just seemed to be less developed than the others.

Thank you for your efforts.

Marital - Related to marriage

Martial - related to war or fighting (from Mars 'God of War')

Agreed with Anon below. You have a long way to go to produce sophisticated writing. Sorry I like your plots but cannot read the stories through. It is like you write by numbers.

An unacceptably high amount of narration. Let the story be told, to the extent possible, by the characters in the story. (I have seen worse!)

Substantial number (12) of major characters. Hard to keep them straight. I would recommend naming the characters by family, and the younger couples by 1 syllable names which rhyme - like Pat and Matt. Pat's parents as 2-3 syllable names like Petunia and Peter. Matt's parents as Megan and Michael. Same for the other couple and their parents. Other characters don't use any of those 4 initials. Just to be safe, mention the naming oddity in a preface!

Too much repetition in the 'healing' characterizations. Two to three 'reminders' that the perps are improving (and that the victims are also recognizing some of their contributing foibles!)

Good overall story, unfortunately mangled!

3-4 stars

Not sure this would not have been better from mostly on side. Bring in the other other cheater (and a little of his victim spouse) to allow the 'other' bad consequence (like the STD) to also appear. There was a LOT of laborious overlap in the remediation phase of the two cheaters! I thought the Female Cheater side was more interesting and instructive overall.

You're a fucking disgrace for a Slav.

Lickideesplit pretty much nailed it with very constructive advice/criticism that you should pay close attention to.

You can write, and it was a very good example of how people really can change when motivated. In real life, unfortunately it does not happen often, but you showed just how it does when it can work. It could have been even better with Lickideesplit's advice.

I look forward to reading more of your stories hoping they are as good or better.

I had trouble following parts of it had to re_read some of it.

If families were as serious about rebuilding and giving that final chance as Rich and Carla were in this story, then we would reduce single parent homes. We all make mistakes some small and sime massive. I wonder if we stop and look with eyes open, would we be part of the cause? I enjoyed the outcome and the rebuilding, even if either family divorces both sets of parents have become better parents.

These 2 chapters are so disconnected, they don't make a good story! 4*

Sometimes marital counseling can be brutal enough to call it martial, so you can tell everyone you meant that . . . the therapist was really tough!!

Good story . . . I always like it when there's personal growth.

My only real problem was with the AIDS thing. Unless she was having sex with her children, or routinely giving them transfusions of her own blood, or maybe still nursing AND NOT taking any treatment whatsoever, then it's possible she could pass HIV on to them. otherwise . . . it's really unlikely. It still surprises me the fear, false understanding, and bad literary use that goes on about this.

It's treatable, people can live out normal lives now with HIV, and never get AIDS. If treatment is taken, it's possible to be pregnant with and later breastfeed a child without passing HIV to it (and there's a heck of a lot of body fluid exchanges going on in those activities). Even without treatment, it takes years for HIV to become AIDS. This is the 21st century . . . not the 1980's !! It's okay to use HIV in a story, but please, use some accuracy.

How in the word is Rich ever supposed to be able to touch that skank again after watching Tony fuck her? If he loves the kids so much, divorce the whore and move into the basement, living his own life cause this whore doesn't give a shit about him.

That being said, this is just about the worst written story I've seen on this site. The children tested clean the daughter not so much? Wouldn't a daughter still be one of the children? Her father owned a business but it seems it wasn't very successful because money seems awful tight. Make up your mind. Same with Tony's trucking business owning family. He's a big part of the business so why are they so short of money? Carla can't stand him not being with her? Hell he's not with her he's with Rich's wife.

All in all just a real piece of shit story, nowhere near realistic.

A very well written story. That said, I don't see how Rich could not feel resentment the rest of his life living with Sue. He would always know he was at best a sperm donor and paycheck for Sue. He helped Sue for the sake of his children. No children involved? Rich would have dumped Sue and moved on.

Good story and well written. I don't see Rich and Sue making it very much longer as human nature being as it is, Rich will become resentful firstly due to her affair and then mainly due to her lie of omission. Sue seems to have a lot of personal problems which probably led to her affair to begin with. Carla and Tony have a much greater chance of doing there till death do us part because they both are honest with each other and communicate. Just my two cents. Character development was good with all four of the main, but a little light on Sue. I usually don't comment on errors because I'm not a grammar/punctuation/spelling cop. However, I point a finger at a few commenters who seem to make one spelling error the basis of their comment. Damn the story, flame the author at all cost. By the way, I like all of your stories. 5 stars for this one.

Don't see many like this in LW, where people actually work through problems without destroying each other. Good story.

Rich and Sue's marriage is doomed.

She never loved him, she was just using him to pay for everything. She went out looking for some strange cock, then Rich actually saw her fucking her lover and ignoring their crying child. On top of the fact that she behaved like a whore and neglected the children, Sue was bitching at him for most of the marriage.

She was a shit wife, a shit mother, a shit daughter... just a real piece of shit. Why would anyone reconcile with that? Even if she turns into a Stepford wife, some things are impossible to forget.

Here's a tip for future stories: If you make the cheating wife behave like a complete cunt, it doesn't matter how contrite she is at the end, the reconciliation seems ridiculous.

You manage to nail the two. Redemption for Sue must be very hard. Unlike Tony and Carla, Sue has a lot to prove. I hope there's a part three. The settings happens after two decades.

Well written story. Transitions between Carla and Rich's sides of the stories were not always clear.

I find it interesting that some commenters seem to hold Sue as much worse than Tony. Seems like those commenters are taking the age old position that men can stray some but women can never stray. Looks like Tony strayed much more than Sue from the details given in the story.

Also found it interesting that some commenters seem to think Sue and Rich will never make it while Carla and Tony will be fine. Sue is condemned; she is not "allowed" to be forgiven - HUH!? Per the story, Rich stayed together solely for his kids. He never seems to express any love for his wife; why does Sue seem to bear all the weight of ALL the negatives in her marriage? I'm sure Rich was not perfect in every way. Was an envelope on his windshield his first indication that Sue was unfaithful? In any case, the reconciliation / forgiveness did not occur overnight in this story. The separate and marital counseling lasted over a year, with further counseling forecast. I don't find it unrealistic that Sue and Rich could reconcile. While my on psychology teacher used to say "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior", I don't believe that was meant to preclude change. One hopes that after a year of counseling (and growth) that some things will change.

A third (or perhaps even fourth) chapter could be added to show full reconciliation and forgiveness between Sue and Rich (maybe even showing Rich's love for Sue as well as the children). Agree that a "future", 10 years or so down the road would also be interesting.

mfj

Tony and Sue both cheated. But Sue admits she never really loved Rich. It was about peer pressure and entitlement and Rich being the money and the sperm donor. Counseling can fix things that are broken. Rebuild connections through honest open discussion of their feelings and thoughts. But it cannot make someone love someone, let alone fall in love with someone. Meanwhile Tony loves Carla. But he is an immature selfish asshole who was partly screwed up by his father and his cheating ways. Tony fucked around more than Sue. But somehow it seems more Lilley Carla and Tony will make it. The MC is only doing it for the kids. He saw her tryst while her daughter was crying. Wtf? Don't think it is male vs female, it is all about the why and the type of person / marriage existed before the adultery. Think Carla and Tony have a better chance of making it. Not so much for Sue and the MC. Forget the sex. The state of their pre contract and counseling was terrible. MC may come to resent having to stay with her for the kids. It doesn't sound like his actions are driven out of love for Sue.

Mature

Good plot, maybe a bit going round in circles, but not a bad story.

Counseling doesn't completely rebuild a person's personality. Sue and Rich have deep fundamental issues with their marriage that have only been papered over. I agree Tony and Carla have a chance. Well better than good with Joey's threat :) Tony was immature and was following in the footsteps of his deadbeat father. His children saved him and helped him to come clean with Carla (btw some accidental name swaps made reading difficult). But Sue didn't love Rich. How coukd she? She was an abusive narcissist. She got off on the entitlement and the peer pressure foe cheating but Rich was a paycheck provider a d a sperm donor for her kids. Don't see how counseling no matter how intense rebuilds a person like that. It can help with weaknesses past trauma, better communication, and clarity of what they want individually and as a couple, but not a full on personality transplant. So yeah Tony and Carla will probably make it but the marriage of Rich and Sue is fraught with four dational problems and will eventually explode, certainly once the kids are old enough. Sue may not cheat, either in near future or not at all, but she may eventually want a divorce. Once the kids are old enough, Rich has no reason to keep things together.