Wheels of Love

WHEELS OF LOVE

DB#15

Edited by Kenjisato

Could anyone see past the wheelchair?

***

CHAPTER 1

"Look, Jenny, there is no easy way to say this... I think we should take some time..."

The girl in the wheelchair with a sad expression on her face just nodded, as if she expected the bad news. Her sister, Kara, wasn't so understanding.

"Are you breaking up with my sister because she's in a wheelchair, Gordon? You're a scum of the worst kind!" she spat on the boy's face.

Jenny fought the tears and raised her hand to stop her sister, "Kara, you're not helping."

"I want this piece of shit to feel a bit of the pain you are feeling," Kara said, swinging the pink baseball bat in her hand.

"Your sister is right about me, Jenny. I wish I was a better man, but I'm not," Gordon said. "I wish I was a braver one."

Jenny squeezed her eyes shut, hoping that would help keep the tears in, but it was a losing battle.

"You'll get no arguments from me! You're not worthy of Jenny's heart!" Kara spat on Gordon's face, getting in his face. "Go! My sister needs a real man in her life, not a shallow-has-been-wannabe!"

"Nothing you can say could be worse than what I told myself when I made this decision, Kara," Gordon shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I can't deal with you being in a wheelchair and what comes with it, Jenny. I see no future for us."

"You're such a low life! One day, bad karma is going to hit you and you'll regret this decision!" Kara kept screaming.

"Kara, please stop it! Could you give us some privacy?" Jenny pleaded. She just wanted everything to be over.

"Fine! I'll be in my room smashing balls with my bat," she pointed at Gordon's crotch with her bat and stormed out of the living room.

"I'm sorry about my sister. She is very protective of me after what happened."

"It's okay, Jenny. I understand."

Jenny was silent, collecting her thoughts for a while, and then she said, "I can't lie and say it doesn't hurt, but truth is, Gordon, I don't blame you. I'm not sure if roles would be reversed if I wouldn't make the same decision you did."

Gordon nodded, somehow relieved.

"I should have never climbed into that car. I knew James was in no condition to drive, but I did it anyway," Jenny went on, almost talking to herself. "We had no designated driver either."

"It was prom night. We were celebrating. We were all as drunk as James," Gordon said. "We made a bunch of bad decisions that night. Sadly, James paid with his life, and you..." his words trailed off.

Jenny moved her head up and down slowly.

"James hit that curve too fast, the car went one way, and the road went another. I woke up in a hospital bed unable to feel my legs," Jenny's voice trailed off.

Jenny couldn't remember many specific details of the accident, but the fear she felt that day was still crystal clear in her memory. She still had nightmares that made her scream and wake up, covered in sweat.

First, came the beeping. Then, a low humming sound and some clicking noises like an old dot-matrix printer might make. Jenny opened her eyes to the fluorescent-lit hospital room and remembered. The crash, the pain, the confusion.

She closed his eyes again and breathed, slow and deep.

"Calm down. You're alive," a familiar voice soothed her. Her mother was sitting in the chair at his side.

Jenny moved her fingers, and flexed her arms. Everything worked, but her whole body hurt like hell. She tried to move her foot, just a little to the left to ease the pressure from what felt like a tight bandage, and she couldn't. The foot would not respond. Neither would the other foot, or her knees.

Panic rose, and she forced herself to open her eyes again, to look down and make sure her legs were still there. She pulled off the thin white sheet covering her, and tried again, watching her big toe where it protruded from the edge of a compression boot.

"Move," she commanded.

It didn't.

"Mom. What happened to me?" Just a whisper.

"Jenny." She was at her side in an instant, cool palm on her cheek, red-rimmed eyes glistening down at her. "How do you feel?"

"Like hell. What happened...?"

"You were in a car accident. The boy who was driving died." There was an obvious lack of sympathy in that last statement. Her mother swallowed hard before she continued. "You'll be okay. But... the doctors aren't sure you'll ever walk again."

Blood rushed in his ears, loud-- like a bike engine, like a car crash.

"Never walk again?" Jenny repeated.

She stared at her mother, numb.

"That's what they say," her mother repeated. There were dark lines in her face, gloom in her deep irises.

Jenny nodded, but not because she understood or accepted the information she'd been given, only to acknowledge she'd heard. Tears streamed down her cheeks, and her lip trembled.

"Shh, I know." Her mother leaned over her, wiping her tears.

After a minute, when Jenny didn't respond, her mother continued. "Kara is here, too, down in the cafeteria with Dad. I'm so glad you're finally awake. We've been worried sick."

The weeks that followed were painful in every possible way. Jenny was moved to a rehab center. All the tiny scratches on her face and legs healed, and the bruises faded away.

For a short time, Jenny clung to the hope that her paralysis might one day go away, and her life as it was, would return.

Physical therapists and nurses visited, and forced her to sit up and do things she didn't want to do. Doctors and psychiatrists visited, asked her questions she didn't want to answer, and told her things she didn't want to know. Her family visited every day, their perfectly whole bodies and reassuring smiles reminding her that she, alone, was broken.

Gordon stood with her for a few months, but Jenny knew their relationship was over. She could feel her boyfriend drifting away from her, like a boat at the end of a long rope. He finally went to college leaving her behind.

Jenny fought the release, as long as she could. Going home meant starting the rest of her life. It meant accepting her broken body as unfixable, that what had happened to her-- was permanent.

After some months, against her wishes, Jenny was wheeled out to her home.

Her family gave her a motorized chair and a manual one, and a lot of recommendations she barely listened to.

"Look, Jenny," Gordon said with a sad expression on his face, bringing Jenny back to reality. "We are not the same people we were before we climbed into that car. Nothing is going to be the same. I'll walk with a limp for the rest of my days."

Jenny opened her mouth to interrupt him--or perhaps more likely to contradict him, but he carried on. "I know it's not the same... But the fact still remains, that everything we planned together is never going to happen. I'm already in college. If I stay with you, it would be only out of pity..."

"Don't you dare pity me! Don't you ever dare! I pity you, Gordon Timms!" Jenny spat on his face. "Go!"

Gordon looked at the floor, embarrassed.

"I am aware I am being shallow and just thoroughly unworthy of you. I am not good enough for you, Jenny. I pray and hope you can find a better man."

"JUST GO!"

Gordon turned around and dragged his feet to the front door.

Jenny held her tears back, 'til her ex-boyfriend closed the door behind him.

As soon as he left, her body was wracked with gasps, as she cried her heart out.

Kara ran down the stairs and hugged her sister tight, cursing Gordon to the top of her lungs.

Jenny cried for hours, until she ran out of tears.

CHAPTER 2

Once Jenny was done with rehab, she went through all the stages of grief. She had suffered a profound loss and life-changing injuries.

All her dreams had been crushed along with her legs.

She'd be the girl in the wheelchair for the rest of her life.

Jenny had been part of the gymnastics team, when she was in high school. She even had accepted a scholarship to study at Seattle Pacific University. Her future looked bright - until the car accident changed everything.

She had to relearn how to do many things from a wheelchair. She never anticipated the paralyzing fear she felt, when she forced her body to perform relatively simple tasks, like taking a shower or going to the toilet.

She got a lot of support and love from her family, especially from Kara, but nobody told her how frustrating it would be to be reliant on others. She was pampered by her overprotective parents. Truth was, she depended on them for many things as to help move her from her chair to the backseat of a car so she could attend doctor appointments or rehab.

Harry Potter had a cloak that rendered him invisible. Now, Jenny rolled around in the Chair of Invisibility. It appeared that once she sat in her wheelchair, she was no longer visible to other human beings.

One day, Jenny and Kara were at Starbucks. Jenny ordered tea for both of them, and the barista tried to confirm the order with Kara. Her sister just pointed at Jenny and said, "Talk to her, you idiot! She's the one who is ordering."

Once they were at their table, Kara asked Jenny, "Why do people keep talking to me, and not you?"

Jenny just looked at her sister and said, "You are so naive. It's the chair."

Kara's eyes went big and she exclaimed, "Are you serious?" She couldn't believe that a set of wheels could make people ignore her sister.

Jenny learned quickly that people were acutely uncomfortable when faced with illness, injury, or incapacity. People mostly ignored or pretended not to notice her. They couldn't help it. To alleviate the discomfort they looked away and then rendered themselves more uncomfortable because they knew this wasn't an appropriate action either.

All her friends from high school had moved on with their lives, leaving the handicapped girl behind. It was time for her to move on, too.

Jenny decided to go to college and became a high school teacher. Luckily, her younger sister attended the same college as her.

College was a lonely experience, even when Kara and Jenny rented an apartment to be together. She felt ignored and isolated again by her peers. She also faced many accessibility challenges. Kara was there for her, but she had her own classes to attend and her own social life to lead. So, Jenny was reluctant to rely heavily on her to help her.

Jenny found the expectation to fit into university nightlife culture to be a lonely experience. Most of the nights she was on her own because she physically couldn't do what her friends were doing.

The good thing was that, away from her parents, she learned to do things by herself, like to get in or out of the wheelchair by herself. The independence associated with that skill was astronomical. No longer did she have to buzz for Kara to help her out of bed, or to wait for her assistance to get into a car after a class. She could do it all by herself. She could even go to the bathroom by herself.

She felt so incredibly relieved when she got her degree.

When Jenny returned home from college, she couldn't go back to the way things had been with her parents. She was an independent person now; she would never let others perform any task for her, if she could do it herself.

Both sisters decided to live together in a one-level house, in which they installed ramps for wheelchair access.

Moving out of their house was Jenny's attempt to regain privacy and hide from her overbearing parents.

With a college teaching degree now under her belt, she found a job at Middletown High. Mr. Livingston, the school's principal, welcomed her with open arms.

"Disabled teachers are an essential resource. They are role models for disabled pupils, and help to prepare all students for life in a diverse society," he told her.

Thing was, Jenny never wanted to be a role model. It made her uncomfortable.

She got nothing but support from her colleagues and students. However, they couldn't avoid the pitying looks when they watched her move her chair along.

A disabled person was seen as a pitiful person in our society. When she laughed, she used to overhear other teachers saying, "How nice she is laughing despite..."

Her social life wasn't going anywhere, either. Her disability made people shy away from asking her to join them, for fear of making her feel uncomfortable or pressured. No one wanted to make the 'disabled girl' say, "No, I can't do that." When Jenny was not invited because people worried about how it would make her feel, she felt even worse and more disabled.

She would rather be allowed to say, "No, I can't," than miss the chance to participate.

So, at school, Jenny preferred to stay away from everyone. Most days, she'd have the kitchen make her a sandwich before lunch recess so she could enjoy being out there with the kids watching them play. All she could think of was if she ever would be able to have a family of her own.

One of Jenny's biggest fears was remaining single for the remainder of her life. In daily life, she pretended to be independent and confident, but it was all a lie. Her self-esteem had taken a beating when it came to anything dealing with dating.

She wanted nothing more in life, than to get married and have a family of her own. But she knew it would be almost an impossible dream.

What kind of man would consider falling in love and getting married to a girl in a wheelchair?

***

"You want me to do what?" Jenny frowned at her sister's words.

"I said you should try a dating app," Kara repeated in a serious tone. "There are still a few good men out there. They can match you up by location."

Jenny was shaking her head and barely listening to her sister.

"No way, Kara."

"Why not?"

"Hello! I am in a wheelchair," she said pointing her hands to her useless legs.

"So what? Are you going to give up having a love life?"

"I am undateable."

"No, you are not. You got stuck in a vision of yourself as undesirable. You couldn't be more wrong.

"You have a lot of qualities, Sis. More qualities than any girl I know. You're smart. You're brave. You're funny. You're a nice person. You're a devoted teacher and your students love you. Any guy would be lucky to have a woman like you."

"You forgot to say I have great legs..." Jenny interrupted her sister and lifted her dress to expose her thin, scarred legs. "Oh, wait! I used to have great legs. They used to turn heads when I wore a short skirt. Now they are useless, and they look like toothpicks."

"Even so, I would date you if I were a guy or a lesbian."

"Eww, Sis!" Jenny shook her head. "Look, Kara, I appreciate what you're trying to do, but can you drop the subject? The dating ritual stinks. Picture this, I meet a guy, we chat and somehow we click. So we agree to meet in person. He puts on cologne, tests his breath, and wears his best clothes. He rings on the doorbell and waits for me to arrive. So, here I come... ta-da! She's in a fucking wheelchair! The next thing that happens is that I get to see his back, while he runs away as fast as he can. Hope is a luxury I gave up a long time ago. Nobody would ever find me attractive again."

"So are you going to give up on love? Not an option. Sorry. You never know, maybe you'll get lucky. "

"What's your interest in my love life, anyway?"

"Simple, I'm not going to take care of you when you get old and cranky, and need someone to wheel you from here to there. I intend to have a family of my own. So, you need a husband to do the job, and let me live my own life," Kara joked, punching her sister's arm.

Jokes apart, Kara had a point. She had been her rock since the accident, and she had been there for her any time she needed her. Jenny couldn't ask her sister to give up having her own life for her.

Jenny sighed in defeat.

"I suppose it won't hurt to try. But," Jenny raised a finger, "I'll disclose my disability on my profile, I'll include a picture of me in my wheelchair, and I'll give details as to what my disability will mean to the people I might date."

"You'll get a lot of matches. You'll see," Kara said, taking Jenny's hands, full of enthusiasm.

Kara set up a profile for her sister on a popular dating site and kept her fingers crossed.

However, the experience was not good at all. Jenny was ghosted, blocked, and got asked awkward and inappropriate questions.

"This also happens to girls that aren't in wheelchairs, Sis," Kara said, when Jenny shared with her sister her bad experiences after a few weeks.

"Yeah, I know. But it starts to become more than just a coincidence when it occurs multiple times. I never had any problem dating boys before being in a wheelchair. I feel an involuntary twist of my gut every time I'm called a 'cripple.' Better don't talk about the guys that are turned on by my disability!"

"Those are creepy," Kara conceded, shivering. "This world is sooo wrong! How can people judge someone so harshly and so completely without taking the time to get to know her?"

"Welcome to my world, Sis. Look, I appreciate the effort you put into this, but I've decided to delete my account. Nothing good came from it. I'm sorry."

"Let's try it one more time. We won't mention your disability on your profile and we'll post a headshot, instead of a picture of you in your wheelchair."

"I can't imagine what good would come from that. At some point, the guy is going to find out I'm in a wheelchair. I'd rather have a man not be interested in me right away, due to my disability, than to have him attracted by my fake profile, and then find out later I can't walk and cut off communication."

No one would date an unable-to-walk cripple. Who in his right mind would want something like that?

"What about a disabled people dating app--?"

"DON'T! Don't you even go there!" Jenny interrupted her sister, waving a finger in front of her face.

Kara could see in Jenny's eyes she was serious, so she dropped the subject.

"Well, you don't need to get upset, Jenny," Kara reached out to take her sister's hand. "I just want what's best for you."

"What's best for me is exactly what I'm already doing. I'm living my life one day at a time. I wake up, I get out of bed, and I breathe. I sit in my wheelchair. Every day. And every day I feel a little better than the day before. I don't need this right now."

CHAPTER 3

Jenny snuggled into the couch with her laptop and a cup of green tea. She logged into her game center and played all her moves within ten minutes. None of her book club buddies were online to return the favor--they were not like her. They had their own lives after sundown. Saturday night television sucked. She could watch a movie, or but had watched all the romantic movies available on Netflix.

She drummed her nails on the side of the computer.

"This takes pathetic and desperate to a new low." She keyed in the address one of her pals had forwarded.

'Online games for the friendly and the flirtatious,' the website's banner bragged. Ha! 'Online games for the homely and pathetic' was probably closer to the truth. And she was one of them.

"Lord, I'm so tired of being alone," she whispered.

Jenny set up a user ID and entered her basic profile information. A few clicks later, a list of open games popped up. Lots of animated avatars with big eyes and bigger boobs stared out from the screen.

"Ugh, lame," she muttered.

A cute manly black rose icon caught her attention, the perfect counter to her red sparkly one.

'Liam --male, twenty-seven, single, heterosexual, located in Tacoma', it read.

"Works for me," she murmured to herself.

Whatever Liam might be like in real life, he was an aggressive Scrabble player. Jenny respected that. Halfway through their game he played 'quartz' for one hundred forty-five points. She'd been playing Scrabble since the third grade, probably had thousands of games under her belt, but she'd never scored that high with a single word. The move was smoking, whether Liam was or not.