When Becky Met Bryan

Becky swallowed. Her mouth was dry. She finished her own tea which was now tepid, but afterwards her mouth seemed just as dry as before.

'Bryan,' she said. 'This is not the same situation.'

'Okay.'

'We don't even know each other!'

'You said you felt like we'd known each other forever.'

'Yes, felt like. Felt like! But you can't stake your whole life on a feeling!'

'This woman did.'

'Well, I'm not her!'

'Fair enough,' said Bryan. 'No problem.'

He gave her knee a squeeze and stood up.

'Come on,' he said gently. 'I'll take you home.'

***

For the second time in as many evenings, Becky found herself sitting in the passenger seat of Bryan's midnight blue car as it hummed its way through the main roads of the city. Bryan had switched off the voice of the navigation system, but he kept an eye on the dashboard panel as it guided them towards Becky's house. Bryan was calm, even peaceful, and this annoyed the hell out of Becky.

'Can I ask you a personal question?' she said.

'Of course.'

'Am I the best sex you've ever had?'

Bryan gave her a frown.

'I'm not saying it to boost my ego,' said Becky. 'But maybe the sex is making you think that I'm the One.'

'I don't believe in "the One".'

'You know what I mean.'

There was a junction ahead with traffic lights that were turning red. Bryan slowed the car, checking the panel to see that he was in the correct lane.

'Okay, if I understand your point,' he said. 'You're basically wondering whether it's my hormones doing the talking?'

'Something like that.'

Bryan waited with the rest of the traffic for the lights to change. His fingers tapped on the steering wheel.

'Firstly,' he said, 'I trust my gut feeling. I've trusted it in my career and so far my only regrets were those times when I didn't listen to it.'

'But have you ever considered marriage before?'

'Not seriously, no.'

'So how can you trust your gut feeling in a situation you've never experienced?'

'Fair point.'

The traffic lights turned green. Bryan talked while driving, keeping a watchful eye on the surrounding traffic.

'Another thing,' he said, 'is how strongly I want to get you pregnant. I've never felt that before. My default setting has always been an overwhelming concern not to get a woman pregnant. But with you, I'm secretly hoping you lied about being on the pill.'

'Well, I'm afraid I didn't.'

'Fair enough.'

'Bryan, would you stop saying that!'

'Okay.'

'And stop being so goddamn calm!'

'Why are you so angry?'

'Because you're spoiling everything!' cried Becky. 'You and I were in this wonderful space of love and intimacy, but instead of letting things develop naturally, you went and dumped a major decision onto me!'

'No, I didn't.'

'You said you wanted to marry me!'

'Yes, but if you don't want to, that's also fine.'

'Yes, but that's a decision!'

Bryan was so exasperated, he nearly missed the turn. He had to brake hard and the car behind him honked. 'Fuck off,' muttered Bryan under his breath as he turned the car into a side street. Looking around, Becky realised that they were within minutes of her home and she felt suffocated by the sudden pressure to conclude this conversation.

'Do you know what I see when I look at the situation?' she said.

'Go on, tell me,' said Bryan flatly.

'You love that I'm attractive and you love fucking me. But none of that means that you love me.'

'Fine.'

'Bryan, "fine" is just as bad as "fair enough".'

'Jesus! Are you controlling my language now?'

'Don't be such a drama queen.'

'Says the kettle calling the pot black.'

'Stop the car!' cried Becky. 'Stop the fucking car!'

Bryan clenched his jaw, but he found a driveway in a street lined with parked cars on both sides. Becky's house was just around the next corner, but she wanted out now. Becky undid her seatbelt, the buckle flying off to the side, and cracked open the car door. She turned to Bryan, the green light from the dashboard giving her a slightly demonic look.

'Anything you want to say?' she said.

'Yes,' said Bryan. 'I told you the truth about how I feel and where I stand. And if telling you the truth gets this kind of reaction, then I guess we're better off without each other.'

Becky glared at the man, fighting to hide how much this hurt. She managed a look of derision--an expression she had practiced in past relationships--and said with a sneer:

'You really don't get it, do you?'

'Fine,' said Bryan. 'Fair enough.'

Becky wanted to kill him. She got out of the car and slammed the door--or she tried to. The air pressure in the car made for a rather unsatisfying muffled 'thump'. She stalked off, waiting for the man to climb out of the car and shout, 'Becky, wait! I'm sorry!'

Except, he didn't.

Before she had reached the corner of the street, Bryan's car had overtaken her and driven off into the night. She burst into tears and wept all the way to her front door.

***

Becky lived in a three-bedroom house she co-rented with two other women, Tina and Maureen. They had ordered Thai food before Becky arrived home, so Bryan Sandford was the topic of conversation while the three of them sat around the table eating noodle dishes with chopsticks. Both women knew Becky as a somewhat conservative girl, so her decision to dump Daniel and jump into Bryan's bed all in the course of one night was a shock. But both of them agreed that Bryan was mad to dump the whole marriage issue onto Becky's lap that early in the relationship. 'Even if he meant it,' said Tina, 'he should have kept it to himself.'

After dinner, Tina and Maureen wanted to watch a movie, but Becky wasn't in the mood. Besides, she had received an extensive text message from Daniel who wanted to meet her at the weekend and she knew she had to respond. Becky sat on her bed with her phone, writing and deleting, writing and deleting, until she stopped to surf the internet for advice. She was in the middle of reading an article on how to write a good break-up text, when an actual text came in.

It was from Bryan.

Unlike Daniel's three-paragraph screed, Bryan's message consisted of two words: 'Call me.' Becky's first reaction was relief, partly because she'd been hoping Bryan would get in touch and partly because he didn't write overlong text messages. Then she realised she was still angry with him and she got angry at herself for having forgotten that. Then she remembered a self-help book which said that a woman should not judge herself for her emotions, and so Becky got angry at herself for judging her emotions, then she got angry at the anger, then she got angry at the anger over the anger, and so on and so on, as she slid down the rabbit hole of self-recrimination which would end with her weeping in despair at what a fuck-up she was.

'For goodness sake, Rebecca!' chimed in an inner voice, which sounded suspiciously like her father's. 'Just call the man!'

Becky tapped her phone and held it to her ear. Bryan answered on the third ring.

'Hi there,' he said.

He sounded subdued, as though he had been staring out of the window for an hour. Hearing his voice, Becky instantly wished he was next to her on the bed, and she fought to keep the warmth out of her voice.

'Hello, Bryan,' she said.

'Are you still upset?'

'You could say that.'

'Well, I'm glad you called anyway.'

'I got your summons, didn't I?'

She heard Bryan chuckle.

'Okay,' he said. 'Um... I'm trying not to say "fair enough".'

'Bryan, what do you want?'

'I want to get to the bottom of what happened. As you said yourself, you and I were in a beautiful space of love and intimacy, and then we lost it. I want to know why.'

'Why?'

'Why do I want to know?'

'Yes.'

'Because that love, that intimacy, Becky... it was real. I could feel it. And I have never experienced that with any woman, not ever, and I want it back. That's why I want to know.'

Becky leaned back against the headboard of her bed, her pillows at the small of her back. There was a moment of silence, a beautiful moment. She felt... relieved. Deeply, deeply relieved, like someone trying to turn a key stuck in a lock which then suddenly, unexpectedly, opens.

'How do you do it?' she said quietly.

'Do what?'

'Say things that express exactly how I feel, without me realising that I was feeling them?'

'I'm not trying to second guess you,' said Bryan, a touch on the defensive. 'I just say what I truly feel as best I can and hope that you feel the same way.'

'Oh, come on... you know deep down that I feel the same way.'

'Becky, I don't "know" anything. I sense, I theorise, I have gut feelings about things. But when you said that I only love fucking you--'

'Bryan, I was angry.'

'That doesn't mean you're wrong. Great sex is a powerful thing and I honestly don't know how much I'm affected by it. I mean, there's a big difference between wanting sex with a particular person and just wanting sex, so it's perfectly valid for you to want to know my position on that.'

'You had several positions, if I remember.'

Bryan laughed.

'Okay, we're going there, are we?' he said.

'You love it.'

'I do, actually. It's great to be with a woman who is so comfortable with sex. I don't have to pretend around you.'

'That's you, Bryan. I've pretended plenty with other men. Hell, I haven't even texted Daniel yet to let him know it's over.'

Becky heard a noise over the phone, like an intake of breath.

'Bryan, are you okay?'

'Yes, I'm fine,' said Bryan. 'Sorry, please go on.'

'No, what is it?'

'Nothing.'

'I thought we had a rule about saying "nothing"?'

Bryan laughed. It was a big laugh too, the laugh of a man who realises he's been beaten at his own game. Becky heard the sound of a leg being slapped.

'All right,' he said. 'Well played.'

'Thank you,' said Becky. 'Now what's the problem?'

Bryan let out a sigh.

'Listen,' he said. 'How you handle the Daniel situation is entirely your own business. But speaking as a man, I would not like to be broken up with by text message.'

'I thought you didn't care about Daniel?'

'I don't. But I care about you.'

'Now you've lost me.'

'Look, which would take more courage: to tell a man bad news? Or to send a text?'

'Well... to tell him, obviously.'

'And do you want to be a courageous woman?'

Becky felt her insides twist. She took a deep breath.

'All right, I see what you're saying,' she said. 'I'll give him a call.'

'Okay.'

'Can I call you back afterwards?'

'Of course.'

'Great,' said Becky. 'I love you, Bryan.'

She heard an intake of breath. Then:

'I love you too,' said Bryan.

Becky felt the urge to kiss her phone. Thankfully, Bryan ended the call. Becky spent some time with the phone in her lap, reflecting on how momentous this all felt. Then she scrolled for Daniel's number and tapped the 'call' icon.

***

Bryan placed his phone on the couch and went to the kitchen to splash water on his face. Then he patted water onto the back of his neck and ran water through his hair with his fingers to cool his scalp. As it was dark outside, the window acted as a mirror and Bryan looked at his reflection. Why was this freaking him out so much?

'Because,' said an inner voice, 'for the first time in your life, the woman interested in you is one that genuinely turns you on.'

Bryan felt a stab of shame at that realisation. He leaned with the small of his back against the sink and stared at the pots hanging on hooks on the wall. It wasn't that he'd found past girlfriends unattractive, not at all. Caroline, his girlfriend of two years, was a smart, fair-minded woman with a nice smile and a certain style. Bryan had really liked her and he was flattered when she wanted more than a friendship. The sex had been okay and, for the most part, Bryan thought of it as a nice relationship.

But he had never woken up next to Caroline and been unable to stop looking at her face. This was true for every woman he had ever slept with. Of course, he had fallen in love with plenty of women he hadn't slept with and Bryan had been friend-zoned multiple times in his youth. But at age twenty-five, he went through a period of self-education, reading books on masculinity and going to self-improvement seminars. He embraced the idea of rooting his sense of masculinity in the principles he believed in, rather than trying to feel like a man by attracting a beautiful woman. Shortly afterwards, he joined the multimedia company run by Eric and his then partner Alistair, working his way up to being in charge of projects after three years. When Alistair had his burnout and wanted to quit, they asked Bryan if he would consider taking over his partnership in the business. He'd had to take out some significant loans, but things were going well and he was in a place where he felt he could happily live without a woman in his life.

Then Becky Robinson walked in and blew that notion to pieces.

In the last twenty-four hours, Bryan was confronted with the fact that he wanted a sexy woman as his wife just as much as any teenage girl wanted her Prince Charming. Throughout his whole life, Bryan told himself he was lucky that nice women like Caroline wanted to sleep with him, but when bad girl Becky unzipped his pants in the car and started sucking his cock, Bryan realised how much of a lie this was. Watching Becky fellate him and feeling her mouth, he had felt not just extreme happiness but a kind of vertigo, as though the Universe were saying, 'Okay, Smart Guy, you've been nagging Us forever for this, so here it is! Let's see what you do with it!'

Bryan heard the phone from the living room. He walked quickly there and picked it up. It was Becky. Bryan took a deep breath and answered the call.

'Hey there,' he said.

'Hi...'

Becky sounded shaken. Bryan asked how the talk had gone and was not surprised by anything he heard. Daniel had stopped short of verbal abuse, but the revelation that Becky had slept with Bryan that very night had exacted a bitter laugh and the observation that she was a hypocrite and a liar.

'Ouch,' said Bryan.

'Yeah,' said Becky. 'But he's not wrong, is he?'

'Not in this instance.'

'You're not supposed to say that! You're supposed to tell me that I'm a great person really, and this was just a mistake!'

'Really? I don't think so.'

Bryan heard Becky let out an impatient sigh.

'You know, Bryan,' she said, 'you're kind of self-righteous. Did you know that?'

'Do you want to hang up on me?'

'No, I want you to come over.'

Bryan laughed and said in a mock French accent:

'Not tonight, Josephine.'

'Oh, Bryan...'

'We both have to work tomorrow.'

'So when do I see you again?'

'How about Saturday?'

'How about tomorrow night?'

'I can't, Becky.'

'Hot date?'

Bryan laughed again.

'No, I had a call from Eric earlier,' he said. 'He wants to take the team for a night out. Everyone at work has seen the video of my stand-up routine and he wants to celebrate properly.'

'Sounds great,' said Becky. 'Is it staff-only or can people bring their plus-ones?'

Bryan frowned. Becky spoke into the pause.

'That was me hinting that I want to come too,' she said.

'Yes, I got that,' said Bryan.

'So how about it?'

'Becky, I need to be honest. I didn't say anything specific to Eric, but I'm pretty sure everyone knows why I took the day off yesterday.'

'What, that you and I were fucking?'

'Yes.'

'And you feel uncomfortable about that?'

'No! I'm worried about you feeling uncomfortable.'

'Bryan, that is precisely the reason I want to go! I want everyone to know that we're lovers! Especially the women.'

Bryan's mouth had gone dry. He heard Becky give a short laugh.

'Bryan...' she said teasingly. 'Do you have a hard-on?'

'Yes.'

'I turn you on, don't I?'

'Yes, you do.'

'Do you know what I'm doing?'

'Don't.'

'Do you know where my fingers are?'

'Becky, you win! Actually, I'd love you to come tomorrow night. Eric hasn't specified a place, but I'll text you when I know.'

'Why don't you come over now?'

'I can't.'

'Yes, you can.'

'Okay, I could, but I'm not going to.'

'That's mean!'

'Yes, I'm a mean man.'

'Are you going to have a wank?'

'Good night, Becky.'

'It's mean to leave me like this, all wet and turned on.'

'I love you.'

'I love you too.'

'I love you three.'

It was a stupid joke, but Becky laughed. Bryan felt his heart swell in his chest. Was there anything better than making a beautiful woman laugh?

'Good night, beautiful,' said Bryan.

And he forced himself to end the call.

***

The meet-up was in a large city pub which doubled as a restaurant and it was packed on Friday nights. There was an area for seating, but much of it was clear space with tall tables and barstools where people stood in bunches, drinking and talking. There were huge flatscreens showing videos, but at peak times it was almost impossible to hear the music.

Bryan and company were meeting at eight, but Becky arrived at nine. As she was joining a bunch of people who knew she'd had sex with their boss, she decided against wearing anything overtly sexy. She went instead for a kind of fashionable elegance, with a blouse and waistcoat, heeled boots under white flared pants, all covered by a long coat and with leather gloves. She got plenty of glances when she arrived and started pushing her way through the crowded pub, heading towards the bar. She was looking around when a woman of around thirty with short bleached blond hair and wearing a smart jacket came up to her.

'Rebecca?' she shouted over the din.

'Yes!'

'We met briefly at the comedy club!'

'I remember you!'

'We're over here!'

Becky followed the woman through the crowd, going around the main bar to an area at the back. It was a little less crowded here and Becky saw Bryan talking to two guys and two women as they stood around a tall drinks table. The woman turned around.

'I'm Siobhan, by the way.'

'Nice to meet you,' said Becky.

'What are you having?'

'A white wine, if I may.'

'I'll bring it to you.'

Siobhan nodded in Bryan's direction.

'Actually, Siobhan,' said Becky, 'I'd like to meet some of the people he works with.'

Siobhan looked surprised, but recovered quickly.

'Sure,' she said. 'I'll introduce you.'

For the next forty-five minutes, Becky chatted to some of the people who worked with the man she was shagging. They came across as intelligent, friendly and enthusiastic about their work. In addition, everyone had heard the story of her coming back to the club and were curious about her. Yet there were no suggestive remarks or intrusive inquiries; everyone treated her as though she were already Bryan's significant other. Becky wondered whether they were being careful because Bryan was their boss, but the more stories she heard, the more she got the impression that Bryan Sandford was simply held in very high regard. A few of them remembered him when he had been an employee like them and they told Becky how relieved everyone was when Bryan had stepped up to become a partner in the firm.

'He's very direct,' said one guy. 'Brutally direct, sometimes, but he really cuts through the bullshit. I'd never dare say half the stuff he says, but it gets results.'

Yeah, thought Becky. She had certainly seen that side of him.

Nearly an hour after Becky arrived, Bryan came over. Becky was holding her second glass of white wine, standing with Siobhan and another woman as they listened to one of the young IT guys talk about a project. He was in full flow into his story, his beer on the nearby drinks table so that he could use his hands in the telling. Bryan came up without interrupting, stood next to Becky and without looking at each other, they took each other's hand.