When We Were Young Ch. 02

“He said, ‘Nah, we’re keeping this tight, just the team. Besides, we’re good. That’s what we got the walk-ons for. This here’s White Pussy and Black Pussy. WHATEVER you want, they’ll do. Ain’t that right, pussies? Twelve young men, men I’d be around nearly every day for years, a couple I consider close friends, turned and stared at us, some leering, some laughing nervously, some predatory. ‘I said, ain’t that right, pussies?’ KJ and I glanced at each other and nodded a little, ‘Right, Captain,’ we mumbled. He couldn’t mean THAT, could he?

“I’d never had more than three beers in an evening, and only smoked weed a couple of times, and the amount we went through was unbelievable. Three cases of beer a day; rum, vodka, whisky. And I can’t even guess how much weed. Guys were buzzed from noon on and stoned if they were awake. I did my best to stay busy, helping Tre in the kitchen, doing some laundry, and ‘helping’ the guys fishing down on the dock…that was my first mistake.

“This was the first afternoon. Three guys liked to fish and I carried their gear down to the dock, which was pretty private, on a small cove. Then I went and got them a cooler of beer and some weed, baited their lines, that kind of thing. Everything was fine for a couple of hours. I was fetching beers, untangling lines, lighting joints, and one of the transfers, a six-foot-ten guy named Caleb from Georgia, said, ‘Hey Pussy, Jamaal said you’re to do whatever, right?’

“And I said, ‘Sure, Caleb. What do you need?’

“‘I need you to suck my dick,’ Derek and Andre glanced over at us.

“‘I don’t think we know each other that well, Caleb’ chuckling nervously, seeing them chuckle. I thought I’d defused the situation, but I was wrong.

“‘You’re right, you need to get to know it first. Handjob will do. Now get over here, Pussy.’

“It was dead silent and I didn’t know what to do.”…

I turned to look at Linda for the first time, her eyes wet. “My mind was going a million miles an hour, trying to think of a way out.”

I was shaking a little and Linda squeezed my hand hard. “You’re safe, Tony. It’s okay.” I stared ahead out the window of the hotel room, four years and two hundred miles away…

…“I thought it came down to jerk him off or leave, and I mean leave the team, maybe the school, my academic scholarship, my dream I worked so hard for, it would all go poof, just like that. I decided ‘I can do this. Do this and it’s done,’ I was so stupid. I looked at Derek and Andre and they just stared back, Andre shrugging his shoulders a little, like ‘I don’t know, man’, you know?

“I said to Caleb, ‘I’m not gay, Caleb.’

“He said, ‘So what, your hand works, don’t it?’

“‘That’s it; just a handjob, right?’

‘Right. Now get over here.’

“And so I did. I sat down on the dock next to him and he fished his cock out of his shorts, spit in my hand, and I did it…just stared at the water the whole time. When it was over, he looked over and said, ‘Now you know it, you can suck it next time. Gonna be a great two weeks, White Pussy,’ and laughed.

“Caleb got me up at six every morning to go fishing and I sucked him off every day. When we went back to the condo that first night for dinner, I went to my room to change and KJ was in there, this haunted look on his face. We looked at each other and we knew. We decided, no matter what, we wouldn’t quit. We’d take it and make them respect us. We wouldn’t pretend we wanted it, but we wouldn’t back down. I don’t know if that was smart, or if it would’ve been better to fight, cry, or quit. I just don’t know.”…

Linda had her head on my shoulder, crying and rubbing my arm gently. I was all cried out. Finally…

…“The ‘bonding activities’ were really just excuses to have KJ and I do, uh, stuff, to the guys…or to each other. To humiliate us. All the stuff we did those two weeks, wasn’t the worst part. The worst part was, after a few days, I just took it, and did whatever they said. I just got kind of numb, I guess. When Jamaal walked up and said, ‘On your knees, White Pussy,’ I just dropped and started sucking. When he wanted to, you know, I just got undressed and on the bed. And my body would, uh, react. I tried to stay stoned all the time; I’d never smoked that much before, ever. Jamaal and a couple of others bullied the rest into having us, uh, pleasure them. Andre stood up to them, mostly. The night I stayed in his room, he just held me all night. We’re good friends. You’ll like him.

“And when it was over, I never said a word. Just pretended it never happened. I think I earned their respect, maybe. Proved I could take it…take anything. And nobody ever asked me to, you know, do anything, again. But KJ left after the season, couldn’t stand the guys that, you know. Was just angry all the time. Drank a lot. I begged him to stay, get help…I’d help him. But he went home. Overdosed and died two years ago (I heard Linda sob). I think about him sometimes. Maybe if we’d fought, or cried, or quit. It’s my fault he…I just couldn’t…I didn’t know how…God.”…

I was all out of words, just staring out the window, slowly bringing my mind back to the present, Linda’s warmth soothing me like a warm blanket. I looked over and saw her staring out the same window, eyes red and swollen, absently rubbing my arm. We stayed like that for a long time. I didn’t know what to do. I hated that I’d told her my shame…and loved her for listening to it. Deathly afraid it would change us.

“Lin? You okay?”

“Hmmm? Me? Tony, I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry! It’s just so awful. How could they do that to you? And poor KJ! Those bastards killed him! How could they do…we should do…SOMETHING!!” Her impotent rage was familiar to me; I’d felt it many times over the years, before growing weary of it.

“Tony? Are you…okay? No…”

I squeezed her hand. “I got tested after and every few months for a year. I’m fine; I would have said before.”

“I know. It’s just…”

“I understand, babe. It’s a lot to absorb at once. Have any questions?”

“Dozens, probably, but I can’t think right now. I’m just so mad and sad and sorry you had to go through all that. Did you ever talk to a therapist or anything? Do your parents know?”

“You’re the only one who knows. I…I just couldn’t. And the longer I stayed silent…” I let out a long breath. “After the season, I went to Andre, who would be a senior the next year, and we talked about how to make sure it never happened again, with us or with women. I just thought, I don’t know, enduring it was worth it if we could make sure it ended with KJ and me. It was the best I could do.”

“And last night?” she asked.

“Something, a taste or a smell, triggered a memory, I guess, and, and I think I thought you were Jamaal, and I was doing to him what he’d done to me. I’m so sorry, Lin! That never happened before, losing my mind like that. I’ll get help, I promise. I won’t hurt you again! Please forgive me!” I was starting to lose it again, breath getting short, chest heaving, the thought of hurting her worse than anything they’d done to me, threatening to overwhelm me.

And then Linda was in my face, straddling me. “Hey! Hey! Hey! Breathe, honey. It’s okay. Just breathe. Look at me!” I stared up at her, calming a little. “Tony Webster, you have nothing to apologize for, do you hear me? Nothing! This is not your fault. You didn’t ask to be raped, just like I didn’t ask for Ray to beat on me. Fuck them! I’m okay and I know you won’t hurt me. I know it!”

She put her forehead against mine, hands on either side of my face. “I SEE you, Tony Webster. You’re more of a man than those assholes will ever be. You’re going to be an amazing husband and father. I see you…I see you,” she whispered intently, before kissing me gently. Linda Anderson was one hell of a woman.

We stayed like that for a little while, stray thoughts banished. But we weren’t done. “Tell me about Ray?” I asked.

She took a deep breath and nodded. “Go get me a soda? I need the caffeine,” she asked. I nodded and went down the hall to the vending machines. Sodas in hand and back in bed, Linda took a deep breath and told her own sad tale…

…“I’d seen Ray around campus for a year. He transferred in from a little school in Ohio to play his last two years of football for my school, which is pretty small, with just a few thousand students, and all the athletes pretty much knew one another. I’d see him at parties, and he lit up a room. He’s about six-five and maybe 280 pounds, but gentle like a teddy bear…or so I thought. Everybody gravitated towards him, one girl after another on his arm. I was intrigued, but not interested in being a notch on his bedpost, I kept my distance.

“Start of senior year, I was moving in and my car was overloaded with stuff and there he was, asking if I needed any help. ‘Sure, Ray. That’d be great, thanks.’ After everything was inside, he asked me why we’d never hooked up. ‘I’m not a hook-up kind of girl, Ray.’ He chuckled and said maybe that’s what he was looking for, too. He asked me to dinner and I said yes. He really was gentle and kind and we hit it off. My friends liked him and none of the other girls he’d been with said anything bad about him. If anything, they were jealous, which made me feel good, I won’t lie.

“And he didn’t pressure me about sex; we’d just cuddle and watch trashy TV after football practice. I’d see him after school and practice a few times a week and we were happy. One Saturday night, there was a party after their first game, which they’d lost. We’d been drinking some and he was quiet, upset about losing. I whispered I knew a way to make him feel better back at my apartment.”…

“You don’t mind hearing this?” she asked me, and I assured her I really wanted to hear everything, squeezing her hand…

…“I sat him in a recliner for a, uh, oral, you know? And he pushed my head down really hard and I was gagging and crying and trying to raise up and he just held me there for, like a minute, before he let me up. I was sooo mad! ‘What the fuck, Ray!’ I shouted when I got my breath back. He was really shocked that I was pissed, saying that’s the way the other girls liked it and he was sorry. And he really was sorry, at least I thought so. And I’d only ever done that with two boys in high school. Maybe I’d done it wrong before, ya know?

“That was the first time he made me doubt myself. Like I was the problem, or I’d misinterpreted his intentions. It was confusing and he was way more experienced; I thought I was messing up, so I tried harder to make him happy.”…

As she said this, she shifted to put her head in my lap, looking up at me. I smiled down kindly, nodding, encouraging her to continue…

…“One little thing after another, just wasn’t quite right. I went over to his apartment early one morning, to surprise him and his roommate with breakfast. I brought juice and coffee and eggs and bacon and the smell of the bacon frying got his roommate, Ben, up and into the kitchen to see who was cooking.

“‘Hey, Linda. This is great!’ he said, giving me a hug and knocking on Ray’s door. ‘Get up, moron, your girl’s cooking us breakfast.’

“Ray comes into the kitchen, looks at everything I’d done, and you know what he said? ‘You know I don’t like bacon,’ and just stared at me! I got flustered, thinking, did I know that? And he kept staring, so I apologized like I was some stupid bimbo. No ‘Thanks for cooking’, nothing! And all I could think was ‘Why do I keep screwing up?’

“We were at a party and he kissed my cheek and softly asked me to ‘Please get me a Bud,’ really nicely like he always did around other people. And when I came back with the bottle, he says ‘What’s this?’ I answered ‘what?’ and he goes ‘I asked for a Bud Light’, which he totally didn’t! But I apologized and started to go get the Bud Light. Ray says to his friend, ‘She never gets anything right,’ and laughed. It was so humiliating!

“And I know you’re thinking why would I put up with that, because that’s what I think now, but it was gradual, not every day or anything, just enough to make me doubt myself and try harder not to be so stupid. After a couple of months, I was doing everything wrong. Really. I got so nervous I was going to screw up, that I did. Nothing I did was right, and I was a basket case. And Ray would shake his head, ‘Oh, Linda,’ like I was pathetic.

“And Ray decided he didn’t like my friends. He wanted me to be with him all the time and would make me feel guilty for spending time with them. If I said Sharon and I were going to study or go shopping, he would get all sad and say he was hoping to spend the evening with him and be all mopey, and when I gave in, he was all smiles and so happy. A couple said they didn’t like him, that he was creepy somehow, but I was in love. So stupid!

“By then, we were sleeping together and the first time he saw my nipples, he laughed. I’d told him I was embarrassed by them, and he said, ‘Yeah, they are pathetic, aren’t they? I would be, too.’ Little thing after little thing after little thing, and all I could think was, ‘Thank God I have Ray to keep me from being a complete bimbo.’”…

She was crying quietly, staring at the ceiling, while I wiped the tears with a tissue and gently rubbed her stomach, trying to keep a concerned, understanding look on my face. Inside, I was getting more and more pissed. Who would do such a thing? And why?

“Baby, you said Ed really liked Ray. What happened when they met?”

“Ed came up for one of Ray’s games and Ray was super sweet to me, like always, just without the little demeaning comments. And I was trying so hard not to mess up, it looked like I was just besotted with him, which I guess it was. I don’t blame Ed at all. He saw what everybody saw, just not my stress and anxiety. That was mom. She’s the one that saved me.

…“After three months with Ray, I went home for Thanksgiving. Ray really wanted me to stay with him on campus, but my mom had been sick, and I wanted to see her. Looking back, I think Ray was afraid of what might happen without him around. Mom wanted to know all about him, and I said how great he was and how much he helped me when I forgot things and messed up so much. But she saw how nervous and jumpy I’d become all the time and made me describe some of the things I’ve been talking about. She really thought I might have a brain tumor!

“We talked and talked, and she made me go see a friend of hers on that Saturday, who’s a therapist. I really didn’t want to go; I was a mess by then. Mom really had me scared, Tony. I just wanted to go back to Ray, he always took care of me when I messed up. Isn’t that pathetic? We got into this huge fight and I started to pack my stuff to leave, but dad took my car keys so I couldn't go, and then they both drove me to see Carmen, the therapist. I was so pissed at them that I wouldn’t talk to her, so mom started to tell her what we’d discussed, which just made me madder. I defended Ray for everything. It was all MY fault, I really was dumb and messed up all the time, and he was helping me to not be so stupid!”

Linda was really upset, sobbing, and difficult to understand completely. I pulled her to me and held her, as she had me not so many hours ago. “Shh…shh, it’s okay, baby. You’re safe. That’s it, let it out.” Just holding her and whispering soothingly to her. I had no idea. The Linda I knew was so strong, it was like she was describing a different person. What had this asshole done to her? After about ten minutes, she was able to continue.

…“I agreed to talk to Carmen if mom would leave us alone, and we talked for about two hours. She’s really something. Oh, Tony, don’t let me forget, you should totally go talk to her. Anyway, she would ask me about something, like the Bud / Bud Light thing, and if I was sure I’d got it wrong. I said, of course, Ray had said so; he wouldn’t lie! And what about the bacon? Was I sure he’d said he didn’t like bacon? And on and on. When did I start forgetting things? How was I doing in school? What did my friends think of Ray?

“And then she started telling me things Ray did that there was no way she could know. He ordered for me at restaurants without asking me. He told me what classes I should be taking. What I should be wearing. What friends weren’t good for me. It was really spooky…freaked me out, bad!

“Carmen had my mom come in and we cried a lot. I was so confused and scared, and mom was so worried, which just made it worse, of course. Carmen said she wanted me to see my doctor, just to make sure nothing was wrong, which I was okay with. Then she said it would be good if I could stay home another week, get some tests done and come see her for a little while every day. She has a comforting way about her, and even though our talks got me upset, I always felt a little better afterward. I had all of my hard classes out of the way and was just taking fun-and-interesting electives my last year. It was supposed to be a fun year, and instead, I was a complete mess!

“So, I got a CT scan and a bunch of bloodwork, and everything came back okay, of course, and I called Ray from Carmen’s office, with her listening in, to tell him I was confused about a lot of things, and my parents wanted me to get checked out before going back. And do you know what he said? He said he was afraid this would happen, and he shouldn’t have allowed me to come home. Allowed me! He said we were so good together and my parents just wanted to control me, and I should just get in my car and come back, that I didn’t need them anymore. He said he was going back to Ohio after the semester was over and I would go home with him, where I belonged. I said, what about school? That I still had a semester to go, and my final year of soccer. He asked if I loved him, and I said, of course, I did. He said, ‘You know I know what’s best for you, Linda. Come home with me and forget all this other nonsense. No one will care if you quit school, and everyone who matters will be happy for us.’ I told him I’d try and would call again later.

“Carmen looked at me and said, ‘Well, do YOU think you need his permission to come home?’ I lowered my eyes, shook my head, and started to cry. ‘Do YOU think your education is unimportant?’ I shook my head again. ‘Do YOU think your parents just want to control you?’ I shook my head. ‘Do you think Ray cares about you and what you want?’ I popped my head up at that and stared at her for a long time. It was like dawn breaking and things got a little clearer every second.

“‘He doesn’t, does he?’ I whispered. Carmen looked so sad and shook her head just a fraction and I slumped to the floor and just lost it.”…

Linda was still crying a little but was more sad than upset. “I’m so sorry, Lin,” rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head.

She took a deep, shaky breath. “I’m just glad it’s over.” We just sat there, holding each other…

“After that week at home and spending a lot of time talking to Carmen, it was like a fog had slowly lifted, and I realized how much I had changed since starting up with Ray. I was upset with myself more than I was mad at Ray. And I knew I was going to have to see him again to get my stuff at his apartment, and I wasn’t sure if I would fall for him again. I was really shaky.

“I’d called him on Friday and said I’d be up on Saturday and would see him after his game. I took my best friend, Sharon, with me to his apartment, and I knew his roommate, Ben, would be there. He was on the football team, as well, and he had a little crush on me, so I thought I’d be safe. He and Sharon stayed in the living room and Ray and I went into his bedroom, closed the door and I said I wasn’t going to Ohio with him, was staying in school, didn’t want to see him anymore, and had come to get my stuff. I tried my best to be strong and not meek like I was around him. It was so hard, Tony!

“Ray said what a stupid bitch I was, how my parents were to blame, and how I didn’t know what I wanted. I walked toward the dresser to get my clothes and he grabbed me by the throat and threw me up against the wall, the back of my head putting a dent in the drywall. I blacked out for a second, and then I was on the floor, up against the wall, groggy and moaning. I don’t remember much after that, but Ben and Sharon heard the crack and tried to come into the room, but Ray had locked the door. He said I’d tripped but was okay. Ben said he’d break the door down if he didn’t open it, and he would have, he was as big as Ray. Ray opened up and Ben and Sharon were in front of me and I whispered, ‘Help me.’ Ray stormed off; Ben picked me up and they took me to the hospital and called the police.”…