All Comments on 'Whirlwind 01 - Finish Line - Pt. 05'

I very much liked this sequence overall, as it was well-written and the characters had nuance and were developed nicely, but this last section kinda jumped the shark for me. The whole "tragic earthquake in Dublin" scenario just stretches credibility too much, considering the overall earthquake history in the British Isles as a whole, and while it was a way to (over)-demonstrate Nathan's character it was all just a bit too deus ex machina overall. The timelines around the tragedy and the rescue efforts also had a few hiccups which made keeping track of things rather difficult.

And then having the two main protagonists die of AIDS the same day was really over the top. Literotica writers really love the "HIV infections as a death sentence" trope, but the reality is that the life expectancy those so infected in the US now don't isn't all that different from the general population. This is a change that's taken place in the last decade or so.

My main disappointment with this last section is that it just really felt rushed, kind of "okay, let's get to the reconciliation already" even though very little was done with Ariana's character to demonstrate her process in getting there. Let's see: it demonstrated that Nathan would do anything for her, which she already knew, but she didn't want him to think it was just because he, well, did this for her and he didn't want that either. But there's really no evidence presented to the contrary, so basically it's a rich and capable character presenting that he knows how to use his riches and capabilities, as if that hadn't already been made clear in previous sections. This was a disappointment because Ariana's character was the main focus of the story overall, and having her be basically a bit player in the final section was rather unfulfilling.

Let me be extremely clear that the whole series was definitely and absolutely worth the read, and I very much looked forward to each of them, but especially after the inventiveness and rich character development of the first four sections, this one was simply a bit of a letdown. It is still good writing, and since you're referencing Irish culture I will simply say that it lacked Yeats' sense of things coming "right with a click like a closing box." Of course he was referring to poetry, noting the difference between that and prose, but I think good stories do also have their own clicks of good construction.

WOW amazing amazing AMAZING story. thank you

This author is a Great Story Teller!

Thank You for sharing your hard work and creativity!

Alan

Another great story. Don't stop submitting stories so you won't disappoint your fans.

I have read thousands of Lit stories. I have given only six stories a 5-star vote. Two of those were pages in this story. Excellent work. Thank you.

Thank you. I enjoyed this story. You gave me a few very entertaining hours of pleasure.

Very engaging and well written story. I could always figure out the time shifts, but it often required a re-reading to determine the point of the shift. A few em-dashes at the shift point would have made it easier for me to read, Just a nit, but the past tense of lead is led. (Oh, and the Irish brogue wasn’t at all off-putting.)

It stretched credibility somewhat in the final part. To my knowledge Dublin has never had an earthquake and there are few places in the world safer from earthquakes than Dublin. And if it was to happen, the British would be there en masse with aid within minutes. More helicopters than you could shake a stick at, together with ships that can operate as support vessels and hospitals in the docks there very quickly.

Having said that, it’s an enjoyable story. Shame I had read the Whirlwind stories in the wrong order and got mixed up with different groups of Madri-gals. I feel it was a mistake to have the latter ones with the same name.

Very good effort though.