White Buddha: ESL, Melvin in China

"That sticky sweet black stuff didn't go well, did it?"

"Fucking British Empire. The genesis of our presence and a large part of why they detest us."

"The opium paradox... But now they're avenging the yanks with fentanyl..."

"I had a middle-aged Chinese man in Shanghai cut in front of me and steal off in the taxi I was about to get in... He flicked me the finger and yelled 'yankee doodle, motherfucker!' as the cab peeled away..."

"You shoulda yelled back: 'Fuck you for killing Tom Petty, you bastard!'"

"And Prince too! Bitch!"

"I was looking for some of that shit, the fentanyl that killed Prince, couldn't find it anywhere..."

"With good reason. Could you imagine if they let loose fentanyl on the natives?"

"Population control, that."

"They already got tobacco, melamine and smog. The herd's being sufficiently thinned daily..."

"I think they are truly prone to addictive personalities, something in their genes, maybe... I mean, look at the history, the opium, and now it's gambling, cigarettes, drinking, e-gaming, and phone addiction."

"I've never seen such phone addicted people..."

"I read somewhere the average Mainland Chinese person under 45 spends 12 hours per day on their smartphone..."

"Been reading articles about parents on phones, having their kid jumping into rivers and drowning, falling from windows, running out in front of cars..."

"One 10-year-old kid found wandering alone at a subway station, told police he'd run away from home because his parents didn't pay attention to him, only played on phones all day..."

"Never seen so many people walking down the street while texting... Particularly college campuses, just swarming with phone zombies..."

"Palm Readers..."

"The bowed head tribes..."

"This is why AI, the robots will eventually win, displace humans... If we can't handle phones, how will we handle AI, infinitely smarter than us, able to self-replicate... We're doomed..."

"The robots already have won... By our own hands..."

"Look at these young people, young couples, on their phones at bars, restaurants... Sitting there the entire time, face to screen, not speaking a word to each other. Even at fancy places..."

"Fucking cyborgs..."

"It's everywhere, a global epidemic... We're all cyborgs now."

"They take tech addiction to new levels, though..."

"Aside from occasional shitty parenting, can't begrudge them, though, working the hours they do, they need an escape mechanism..."

"That's it, comrade. They work hard, play on phones hard. Hell, they go hard with everything. Mainlanders are simply extremists."

"Hardly... the chabuduo? Half-assery?"

"That's different, that's craftsmanship, work ethic... You can't expect a kid, a construction worker, or repairman from some impoverished village to give too much of a fuck. He knows he's never going far. He knows the game is rigged. So he does just enough to get by..."

"They're not stupid. They know what's what."

"Some of the smartest people I've met in China have been migrant workers, doing menial jobs. Could be because they escaped the indoctrination of the college entrance exam."

"Fucking human rights violation, the Gaokao. Studying 10 hours a day for 12 years straight, for a single test. Memorizing ancient poetry, line by line, rewriting the same essay over and over about 'Why I Love China', methodical, purposeful brainwashing..."

"That's it, comrade... I've met people who dropped out of middle school to work in a factory and were cool, smart, mature, great friends... Solid people... Then you got so many of these university grads, 22 years old, totally clueless, with the mind of a 14-year-old."

"Bachelor's of Apathy..."

"Hobbies include sleeping and eating..."

"Sheeple..."

"Apathetic phone-zombies..."

"Think of all the people in China who are going to have Carpet Tunnel Syndrome..."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome..."

"That too, fuck..."

"Scariest are the motorized phone-zombies, on scooters, motorcycles, tearing down crowded streets, sidewalks, texting... Those food delivery guys... Mental..."

"Phone-zombies in grocery stores, with shopping carts, blocking everywhere, like an episode of the Walking Dead..."

"Phone-zombies on bicycles, hoverboards and skateboards, pretty maddening, frightening too..."

"But the absolute worst are the phone-zombies driving vans and cargo-trucks. Human missiles, those..."

"Authoritarianism. Doesn't help emotional, mental development."

"Learned helplessness, comrade. Learned helplessness."

"Arrested development..."

"This is why in Singapore, Malaysia, Taiwan, Hong Kong, all those countries, the Hua Ren are so different... That's the real Chinese culture. Not the Disneyland PRC re-creations..."

"The sane ones left."

"Or got chased out."

"Fucking Cultural Revolution."

"How come in China no one does Kung Fu or wears triangle hats? Thought I'd see Kung Fu fighting on every street corner. Disappointed I don't."

"Only occasionally I see pensioners doing Tai Qi in the mornings... But never Kung Fu... And never triangle hats..."

"No rickshaws, either. What's up with that..."

"No fortune cookies or General Tso's Chicken."

"A travesty..."

"The paucity of all-you-can-eat buffets."

"The indignity..."

"Mainland China isn't so bad, if you can deal with the pollution and xenophobia, I mean, overall, if you get past that..."

"It's the place to be if you've got $50K and need a new kidney."

"There's a freshly executed prisoner in a van right now being sliced up."

"They've got an app for organ deliveries..."

"I was in Shanxi at a school near an execution ground. Sometimes you'd hear sirens and gunshots..."

"Used to be they'd parade the condemned around town, a placard dangling from his or her neck with their crime scribbled on it, and the villagers could crowd around and watch the executions."

"There'd be group executions, five in a row, knelt down, all receiving a bullet to the back of the head from PLA soldiers..."

"Then they'd bill the families of the executed prisoners for the cost of the bullets."

"They don't waste much time with capital punishment in China. Particularly for serious, headline grabbing cases. Maybe one appeal, and four or five months later, a couple years at most, it's done."

"One day, riding out to the market, I saw a guy who'd set fire to a kindergarten, killed like 12 kids... Saw him with his hands hogtied behind his back... He was wearing this big blue vest and puffy orange pants."

"He was being led by a gaggle of masked, armed police to see the firing squad..."

"It's walled off now, in some woods, where they do it..."

"Usually it's stabbing or hammer attacks at kindergartens, primary schools, not fire attacks... Fire attacks usually come inadvertently from the chemical plant explosions..."

"Nah, sometimes it's public buses or KTVs they pour gasoline in and set ablaze. That's why at the subway now they make you drink any bottled water you have in front of a security guard, to prove it's not an explosive."

"I heard a civilian airliner was blown up that way. Some freak boarded with gasoline, set it on fire after takeoff."

"There's been more vehicle attacks recently. Fucktard ramming his car into random pedestrians, purposely. Running them down."

"Sure it's not just the poor driving skills?"

"Never know. If I were his lawyer, that'd be my advice for a plea."

"My ex-girlfriend's mother bought her driver's license. Plain bought it outright. No tests or anything."

"Guanxi."

"I'm generally against the death penalty. But mass murderers, be it by car, fire, or especially an asshole who stabs a school full of little kids, those sorts seeing the firing squad, I don't have too much of a problem with it. And if that kidney can be put to better use, so be it..."

"You sure they're still harvesting and selling organs? Heard they put a stop to that."

"It's still going on. The forced labor camps too. One Nigerian English teacher who got arrested, not that long ago, for smoking weed, had to spend a few months in a Chinese prison..."

"There, along with the Chinese inmates, he was forced to string together Christmas lights. Inmates who didn't make them quickly enough got beaten by guards."

"They slept up to ten to a room, on concrete floors, no AC, no heating, one cold water tap. The lights were kept on 24/7... He said there were mosquitoes and cockroaches everywhere, and the newest, weakest inmates had to sleep next to a filthy squat toilet."

"Chinese jails have certainly served as a deterrent for me. Kept me from punching a lot of people in China. Not even decking Ajit Pai or that 'Pharma Bro' asshat would be worth going to Chinese jail over..."

"I read an article in a Japanese paper that an increasing number of Chinese prisons are operating as factories these days, because more young people want white collar work."

"No laws or transparency in China, either, so it's hard to say that the shoes you're wearing, or your electronic device wasn't made in one..."

"My ex-girlfriend's uncle ran a lighter factory, using prison labor... There was an accident, an explosion, and about 50 prisoners burned to death because they'd been chained up and couldn't escape."

"She told me her aunt recently bought a kidney... So that's still a thing too. Organs might be more expensive, but are available..."

"Inflationary pressure..."

"Hope that kidney was from a school stabber and not a Falun Gong or something. It being a dissident certainly poses a moral conundrum..."

"Some'll sell you a kidney voluntarily; bet there's a kid from Gansu ready to sell you his so he can buy an iPhone."

"Huawei!"

"And a house and a car so he can get married and his parents'll stop nagging him."

"The younger folks here, anyone under 40, generally, is way more of a human being. Anyone over 40 is a fucking animal..."

"Have some sympathy, comrade. That 'Great Leap' Forward, people eating tree bark... Rampant cannibalism... Think about that next time you're at the buffet..."

"These young fellas, the poor bastards. They're alright. Decent guys, many of them. Kind of remind me of me when I was that age..."

"I don't care too much for the fu er dai, the little emperors, and study abroad students in Australia who can barely speak a word of English. A twat exchange student in Sydney living in a luxury high-rise threw a cat off his 31^st storey balcony... What a shitcunt."

"The lao bai xing, the commoners, non-princelings, I feel bad for those... The gender disparity, needing a house and a car for a girl to consider him..."

"Can see why so many are importing brides from Vietnam and Russia."

"Or kidnapping them from Myanmar. There's a place on the border where they auction women for marriage at a public market..."

"I wonder what Xi Jinping thinks about when he's dropping a deuce... That's what I wanna know..."

"You know he lets rotten egg type farts, dog farts..."

"You know he drops malicious stinking shits..."

"When Xi drops turds, is he on his smartphone, playing a game?"

"He's got the most reliable VPN in China, I imagine..."

"Probably stays in the bathroom as long as possible, hiding from his wife... Peng Mama...That green tea bitch..."

"I see him reading the People's Daily sports section..."

"Then he reviews his enemies list while eating honey... And he'll sort of stare at the wall, blankly..."

"Think he has a squat toilet, throne toilet, or, dare I say, Japanese style electric toilet?"

"A solid gold or platinum, diamond, ruby-encrusted premium electrical toilet... Red silk seat cushion... MADE IN CHINA..."

"I bet he wanders into the Zhongnanhai woods, squats and lays one under a tree... Then wipes his ass with a white rabbit... Got a cage full of them, exclusively for that purpose..."

"Nah, he ain't shitting right... Always got that constipated look on his face... Like he needs to release a hefty log but just can't..."

"'This is killing!' I bet he yells while he squats and pulls at his bowels..."

"No way he's constipated... All the funds he's got, he can get enemas on demand... His plumbing's running like a Himalayan mountain stream..."

"I would give Xi Jinping an enema, just to say I did. Would have to put on a hazmat suit first, though... Then I'd yank down those high pants, crank the hose up to full blast... Get wet, wild, and wacky..."

"How many billboard-size self-portraits, oil paintings of himself does he have in his mansions? That's what I'm curious about. I say 8 or so in each... Or maybe one in every room..."

"Doubt that man's sleeping well. The enemies he's made, all traumatized as he is from the Cultural Revolution. People threw rotten fruit and rocks at him... He lived in a cave."

"Bet he has nightmares, night terrors every night... Doesn't want to wind up like Mussolini or Qadhafi."

"Ole' Winne the Jinpooh Bear ended term limits for a reason. He can only leave office dead, his family out of the country, money safely embezzled. He lives in the smoggy red prison of his own making."

"That's one paranoid, miserable fuck... His policies are not those of a confident man..."

"I wonder what would happen if Xi Jinping dropped LSD, shrooms, or DMT..."

"That'd be great... Seriously... He'd have a spiritual awakening and turn China into a hippy commune where everyone fucks and does yoga..."

"Emperor High Pants and his wealth belly... He must be worth billions, trillions, even... He and Putin... Stinking trillionaires... Those animals...The bear and the weasel..."

"Some Chinese guy got jailed for saying on WeChat that Xi looks like a steamed bun... Ever since I heard that, all I wanna eat is steamed buns... baozi..."

"Unharmonious foreign devils! You and your barbarian countries..."

"Xi Jinping farts in your general direction!"

"Gun laowai!"

"You don't see my country building any artificial islands in the South China Sea... We only sail and park nuclear-armed warships there."

"Gunboat Diplomacy."

"Sometimes I miss Trumpistan."

"Not me. Too boring there. Something sort of fun about the PRXI dystopia..."

"I actually like China, overall. Warts and everything..."

"It's like this, everyone in the Mainland was a berserk farmer. Chinese rednecks and hillbillies."

"It'd be like Kansas and Tennessee, people from Deliverance or Duck Dynasty taking over America..."

"Then the rednecks became commies and killed and chased away all the intellectuals."

"They still do kill and chase away intellectuals."

"Mostly they just imprison them. You'd think winning a Nobel Prize would get you off the hook..."

"Mainland Chinese generally hate everyone, except those in their inner circle, their family and parents."

"Every so often they hate their family, but nothing like the West. Like they'll still do what their parents tell them to, all the time."

"Filial piety..."

"Family name first, given name last..."

"The loyalty to family, inner circle is incredible... They'll do anything for their family... Ask your students what they want to do after graduation... Almost everyone says: 'get a job to help my family'. While in the West it's: 'Fuck you, dad! Buy me a car!'"

"We could learn some things from them, when it comes to the family unit, seriously..."

"It's guanxi..."

"Guanxi and its complexities..."

"The bright and dark... yin and yang..."

"It's about relationships, and fuck everyone else. Fuck all strangers. Unparalleled loyalty and selfishness. True social Darwinism..."

"Bizarre dichotomies..."

"No love for strangers..."

"Keep seeing news stories about pedestrians hit on the head by objects falling from tall buildings... Careless cleaners, dropping, throwing stuff from high storeys... Lady in Shenzhen outside a subway station got hit in the head with a barbell... 10-year-old kid killed by a falling window..."

"Chabuduo..."

"Been lots of news about people jumping from high-rise buildings. Every day another jumper. Sometimes they talk them down, but what's to stop that person from jumping later, when no one's around..."

"At my old school there was a crazy lady, a relative of an administrator. Family kept her locked in her bedroom most of the time because she'd go outside, shove a toothbrush down her throat and force herself to vomit on the street and would scream and curse at random people."

"They put bars on their apartment's windows because she threatened to jump and tried to, a couple times. Finally, she snuck away, went to the roof and took the plunge. A group of students found her."

"Social Darwinism. They generally don't understand and give little to no shits about the mentally ill."

"Or the handicapped. They either hide them or use them out on the street as beggars."

"Those burn victims, amputees on the street begging, what the hell..."

"I heard they were gamblers or borrowed money from a loan shark or triad, couldn't repay it, and got disfigured and put on the street as an example to others."

"Someone said that's where the hookers come from, but they don't get disfigured..."

"Where are all the homeless? Hardly ever see vagrants... They must round them up, execute them or quarantine them somewhere..."

"Rumor has it homeless often go to jail, paid to stand in for corrupt officials."

"Tigers and fleas."

"I read on Weibo that homeless are kidnapped and murdered, their corpses used to replace rich people's bodies in crematories."

"That way the rich are secretly buried in family tombs and can circumvent burial bans..."

"That's dark..."

"How about those poor bastards kneeling in front of hospitals, holding up a sign about a surgery they or a family member needs or having a baseball size tumor hanging off their face."

"Then an apparatchik in a Ferrari drives by..."

"Xiaosan riding shotgun, phone firmly in hand... En route to class at the uni..."

"Or maybe high school. The age of sexual consent in Mainland China is 14."

"Must have been Chairman Mao who wrote that law..."

"The walking. That's what gets to me. What is it with the walking? Why is that a thing?"

"No why..."

"Fucking hell, how they walk. Always bumping into you."

"Charging into the subway the second the door opens, not letting the riders in the train exit first, racing each other for seats."

"They do that in the elevator too. Bumrush right in there, start smashing at the buttons."

"Maybe they simply enjoy shoving and pushing into people."

"I've gotten to enjoy it, actually, giving a nice, stealth shove to people in the subway... Especially the ayis and shushus crowding the doors..."

"You gotta be ready to fight in the subway. Ready to rumble..."

"I ride the subway sometimes just so I can shove people..."

"No way you're out-shoving an ayi... They got better blocking skills than an NFL offensive lineman..."

"Fucking Great Leap Forward, Fucking Cultural Revolution."

"Fucking Red Guards."

"The young ones don't do that as much. And often are enthusiastic queuers."

"The Buddha-like youth."

"Counterrevolutionaries."

"Rightists..."

"It's famine mentality."

"Learned helplessness."

"They're crazy patriotic but yet they hate each other so much and litter and spit everywhere."

"Such terrible communists. Marx would be pissed."

"They tend to be more optimistic than Westerners."

"They want to kill each other."

"Could explain the driving... Horrific car crashes every day in the local news. Pedestrians run over, e-bikes bashed by lorries. Montages of it set to music on the Chinternet."