White Buddha: ESL, Melvin in China

"A Guinness World Record."

"Dave's ESL Café banned him, didn't they? He had a flame war that went on for ages."

"He even went to the US Consulate in Shanghai and demanded they investigate our school. It was about his electric meter being rigged and the school owing him money."

"Well, he told me he was leaving our school because he didn't feel valued enough."

"Sometimes I think China purposely hires people like him only to keep the local people afraid of foreigners."

"See, kids, here, this is what they are..."

"And you?"

"Exactly."

"Melvin was the sorta guy who, in America, made me want to own a gun, but, at the same time, made me afraid that people like him could have guns, too..."

"Remember his idea to invent drones, with harnesses, large enough to strap in, transport people, fly them around town? You could summon the drones with an app. It would be the next Uber."

"He could be the next Elon Musk, and we'll all be assholes for mocking him."

"He's in Silicon Valley right now, amassing venture capital."

"Nah, last I talked to him he was looking into applying to a school in Thailand."

"God, that'd be the worst place for him. Bet he'd be beaten down BAD by the locals. They DO NOT take kindly to aggressive foreigners, 'falangs' starting shit."

"He'll be drugged and robbed by ladyboys."

"There really are violent gangs of ladyboys there, you know. Pattaya late at night... They go out looking for foreigners... Out looking for honkies..."

"Whatever becomes of him, I can't see it being a good ending. It's akin to the shoddy construction, crumbling apartment buildings in China. He's got a faulty foundation. He'll never be right."

"The best team of psychiatrists in Austria couldn't fix him."

"He's dead in a dumpster in Austria."

"Nah, I say he went to Thailand, got killed by ladyboys or is in jail."

"Maybe joined the 'Pattaya Flyer Club.'"

"He is exactly the sort who'd die there."

"I bet he died there in a previous life. Buddhists believe in reincarnation and shit..."

"In Thailand, they have spirit houses and pray and make daily offerings of fruits and juice to keep malevolent ghosts away."

"So Melvin probably isn't there..."

"Didn't he say he was going to write a book about teaching English in China and go on the Joe Rogan Experience podcast to promote it?"

"Yeah, that's gonna happen."

"Maybe he's building wells for the pygmies in the Congo."

"That'd be by far the best outcome I could envision. Seriously."