Who Am I

I called the local walk-in clinic to see if my friend Becky was working. Luckily, she was on duty. I was able to get an appointment with her for one o'clock. I arranged to take a late lunch.

I was sitting in the treatment room waiting for Becky and wondering how I could keep this from Joe. As far as I could see, I was screwed. My mind said, "Guess I should have told him everything on that first night. My decision to keep it from him has boomeranged on me."

Becky came breezing in and gave me a big hug. After a little catching up, we got down to my reason for being there. I told her everything that happened at the club. I didn't leave out anything except the name of my lover.

When she examined me, she seemed concerned. When my blood work came back, she was definitely concerned. She said, "My word, Amy, I haven't seen this for several years, and now I have two cases within three days. Let me guess. You cheated on Joe with a guy named Jerry Lambert."

I nodded my head, but I'm sure that surprise was showing on my face.                           

She continued, "What a small world. He was here three days ago. As required by law, he gave me the names of all the women that he's had sex with recently. Looks like he really gets around. Your name, however, was not on his list. Either he chose to protect you, or his list was incomplete.

"Anyway, you have an STD called chancroid. One of the partners that Jerry listed was in the military. She had been serving in Africa. Chancroid is rampant there. She was probably the source.

"The good news is that it's treatable. The bad news is that I have to report it. I have to give the authorities the names of all your recent sexual partners.

"Since Joe will be on that list, they will contact him. He will ask why they are talking to him. They will give him some answers. Then, he will have questions for you. That won't go down well, will it Amy?"

"Becky, if you do that, my marriage is toast. My happy family will disappear. All because I made one mistake. Is there a way that you can bend the rules?

"After all, you've already treated Jerry. I've had only two sexual partners in the last twenty years. I'm counting Jerry even though he didn't actually screw me. He knocked on the door, but he didn't get in. How did I catch it with such a small amount of contact? Is there a way to save my marriage? Please, Becky!"

"It's very contagious, Amy. You mentioned skin-to-skin contact. Just the lubrication that his penis produced could have been enough. Also, since you've had sex with Joe after your encounter with Jerry, we need to act quickly. We must treat your infection and we need to prevent Joe from getting it. There's one way to do both things. It will put my job and my license at risk if it ever gets out, so it has to be the best-kept secret ever.

"I have an antibiotic called azithromycin. It's a one-dose cure for chancroid. I have it in its powder form. Here is what can happen: you can mix up a dose for yourself tonight. Once you know that it tastes alright, you can sneak a dose into Joe's breakfast orange juice. Hopefully, he likes orange juice. Does he?"

"I serve orange juice with breakfast occasionally. Joe loves it. He won't suspect anything. Thanks, Becky. You just saved my life."

"I sincerely hope so, Amy. We are in uncharted waters here. Neither one of us can afford to mess this up. Be careful. Everything depends on keeping this 'our little secret.' Since I'm giving you samples, at least there will be no prescription paper trail. Fingers crossed."

When I got home, I mixed up a dose. I couldn't tell that it wasn't just pure, unadulterated orange juice. I felt more confident about sneaking a dose to Joe with his breakfast.

That evening, I leveled with Joe -- partially. I told him that I was having pain and burning when I urinated -- a true statement. I told him that I went to the walk-in clinic -- a true statement. I said that they diagnosed my problem as a urinary tract infection -- not a true statement. I said that they gave me an antibiotic -- a true statement. I said that they advised me to abstain from all forms of vaginal sex for two weeks -- a true statement. I explained that what I had was very contagious and those precautions were necessary to prevent passing the infection to him -- a true statement. So, I mostly told him the truth, right?

When Joe sat down for breakfast, he dove into his bacon, eggs, sausage, and coffee. He didn't touch his orange juice. I made a big show of drinking mine. I remarked on how good it was. Just before he left the table, he downed the juice, saying, "That's good orange juice, honey. Thanks." His light was at full brilliance.

My relief was palpable. I finally allowed myself to believe that I had made the right decision. Joe would never know and I would make sure to atone for my betrayal every day in every way. I finally began to breathe again.

After breakfast, Joe was off to the golf course for a round with his buddies and I was heading to the mall to do a little shopping.

Later, when my phone rang, I assumed that it was Joe calling to say he was on the way home. I was surprised to hear a different voice.

"Hi, Amy. This is Larry. I have some bad news. We are at Memorial Hospital with Joe. They're treating him in the ER. He began to have severe facial and neck swelling while we were playing. He suddenly fell to the ground. He was having difficulty breathing. We called 911. The medics treated him while they sped to the ER.

"The ER doctor said it appears to be a severe allergic reaction to something he had consumed, or perhaps to a bee sting or insect bite. Amy, is Joe allergic to bee stings or insect bites? Are there any foods that bother him? They are giving him shotgun antihistamines that work for many conditions, but they could use a more targeted medication if they knew what caused such a severe reaction."

I knew in my heart what was wrong. He must be allergic to azithromycin. I had to reveal my big secret to save his life. My God, everything was going to hell in a handbasket after all. I thought quickly. It came to me suddenly.

I said, "Larry, we had orange juice with breakfast this morning. I put a powdered antibiotic in mine since I am fighting a UTI. Joe must have grabbed the wrong glass. He must have drunk the juice with the antibiotic in it. That's all I can think of. It's the most logical explanation. Let me look at the packet.

I waited a moment before saying, "Larry, tell the doctor that Joe probably took a dose of my azithromycin by mistake You can explain it to him."

"Amy, can you spell that for me?" I gave him the spelling.

He said, "Thanks, I'll bet that's what happened. I'll tell the doctor right away."

I went on to say that I was leaving immediately for the ER, but Larry probably didn't hear me since he had quickly terminated the call.

CH 04 Absolution

When I got to the hospital, I learned that they had performed a tracheotomy on Joe. He was breathing through a tube!

I learned later that they didn't have time to put him to sleep. He couldn't breathe! They had to act fast. They did the tracheotomy with him awake and struggling to breathe.

I was completely devastated. Everyone took it as the normal reaction of a loving and concerned wife, but it was more than that. Much more! I was responsible for this in every way.

Was this karma? How could I go on if what I did resulted in the death of the only man I have ever loved? The father of my children! There was no way I could feel more trepidation than I was feeling at that moment. I was on the verge of fainting.

After what seemed like a lifetime, an ER nurse came out and told us that the operation was successful. They were taking Joe to a room for overnight observation. I would be able to see him in about thirty minutes. Other visitors would be allowed a couple of hours later.

Right after that, the ER doctor came out. His name tag identified him as Dr. R. Hayes. The light emanating from this man was something to behold. I've never seen the light any brighter from anyone. He told us that everything went well and that Joe was doing just fine. He admitted that it was a close call, but they won the battle.

I was so relieved that my legs wouldn't hold me. I was sinking to the floor. Doctor Hayes grabbed me and held me until I stopped shaking. I told him how grateful I was that they took such good care of my husband. He said, "It's all in a day's work at the ER. I'm just glad that it turned out well."

Then he took me aside and looked into my eyes as he said, "I am, however, a little worried about you. From what I hear, your husband took your antibiotic. That means your 'UTI' is going untreated."

He smiled and made quotes with his fingers when he said, "UTI." Then he said, "We don't give single-dose azithromycin for a UTI. I'm guessing that you're taking it for something else, right?"

I nodded my head. He smiled as he handed me a pack of azithromycin and whispered, "Your secret is safe with me. His chart says that he was treated for an allergic reaction to an unknown substance."

I just smiled and said, "First, you saved my husband's life and now, you're saving mine."

He laughed as he repeated, "It's all in a day's work at the ER."

As I took the elevator up to Joe's room, I was thinking about what just happened. Not being quite myself, I began thinking out loud. I said, "Everyone says that today's doctors are not like the doctors of yesteryear. Those doctors cared about their patients, but now it's just hurry in, hurry out, and make them big bucks. I say that it's not all of them! Not all of them! There's still at least one great doctor right here in this hospital."

Some of the other people in that crowded elevator began to move away from 'the crazy woman who talks to ghosts.' I didn't care. Things were going my way for a change.

When I got to Joe's room, he was awake. His neck was swollen, but he was breathing without effort and his color was good. The light emanating from him was very dim and it was blinking. I'd never witnessed the blinking thing before. What did it mean?

I held his hand and cried. He was only able to whisper, but I heard: "Don't cry, honey. It's all over and it's all good."

His voice sounded funny, but I was just glad to hear him speak. I said, "I just thank God that you're OK. I'm thankful beyond words. I was so worried. You could have died because of my mistake. How can you ever forgive me?"

Now, I was crying uncontrollably. I was talking about a mistake with a guy named Jerry. Joe knew nothing about that mistake. He thought I was talking about the orange juice mix-up. He held my hand and squeezed it tightly as he drifted off to sleep. His light was still blinking.

It was when he was about to be released that he told me not to blame myself for what happened to him. He said, "Forget all about it, Amy. People make mistakes. I absolve you. I forgive you."

His light was brighter and it had stopped blinking. I replied, "Joe, you don't understand. They cut a hole in you so you could breathe. I can't imagine how much that hurt. You will be scarred for life because of me. How can you forgive me?"

"Amy, they told me that the scar will show less and less with time. They also said that once it has completely healed, a plastic surgeon could make it disappear. If seeing the scar bothers you, then I'll make sure to get that surgery.

"Now, as to forgiving you, get this: I'm going all out to stop you from crying. I hereby forgive you for every mistake that you have ever made that affected me in any way whatsoever. Now, does that make you happy?"

"Joe, honey, you don't have any idea what you just did. I need to talk to you. There are things I need to tell you."

"Why, Amy? Why do you need to tell me anything? I just absolved you of all the mistakes you have ever made that impacted me in any way. My forgiveness is, of course, mine to give. I give it to you without reservation." His light was back to normal! There was no blinking.

He continued, "You don't need to tell me how many times you faked an orgasm or how many times you dropped my steak on the floor, cleaned it up, and fed it to me. Don't you get that? Now, I think it's your turn. I know there are things that I've done too. Fair is fair. Where is my forgiveness?"

"Of course, I forgive you, Joe. It's easy since you've never done anything that needed forgiveness. I'll tell you what we need to do. We need to renew our vows. We need to appear once again before God, family members, and selected friends. We can pledge our love once more and restate our promises. Will you consider doing that, Joe?"

"I don't see any reason to do that, Amy, but I'll always be willing and ready to declare my love for you before any gathering at any time. You name it, we'll do it."

"Great! Let's do it next month on our anniversary. I'll clear it with pastor Mark."

"It's a date, Amy. Now, is this scar going to bother you forever? Do you want me to get the plastic surgery to make it invisible?"

"No, I don't want you to have plastic surgery. Every time I see that scar, I'll remember what happened. I'll remember how close I came to losing you. Remembering will serve to ensure that it never happens again. It must not happen again. That scar will be a constant reminder of what counts."

He thinks that I feel a little too much guilt for a simple orange juice mistake. I know the truth. I know that it's much more than a fictitious orange juice mistake. It has everything to do with a gigantic blunder; a misdeed that could have caused me to lose my husband and my family. I must never forget it. More importantly, I must never repeat it.

Later, as I left his room to get my car and drive us home, I passed a mirror. I could see light coming from me! I glanced around. There was no one near me.

What's happening? Am I making my own light? If so, it's the first time ever! Always before, I only reflected light from someone else. Admittedly, my light is dim, but it's there!

This can't be true! I'm a nobody. I'm a fool. I'm not worthy. I can't be a light source, can I?

Later, I had a visit with Becky to invite her to our vows-repeating ceremony. She promised to attend. She wanted to discuss every detail about what led us to have that ceremony. She only knew about the club and what followed,

I told her everything from the coffee breaks onward. She bit her fingernails as she digested my story. She said, "He gave you unsolicited absolution for anything and everything that you had ever done that affected him. Don't you think that was strange?"

While I was thinking about her words, she continued, "Joe is a great guy, but that would be unusual behavior, even for a saint. Don't you think there's more to it?

"Perhaps he found out about you and Jerry. He decided that you were truly sorry and would never risk your marriage again. After many hours of agonizing self-debate, he decided that it was best to forgive you and keep the family intact."

I told her that I agreed with that conclusion. She, however, didn't stop there. She continued to speculate. She said there was another possibility.

"Maybe he did something similar in the past and kept it from you. In that case, this was a great opportunity to wipe out his cheating by forgiving yours. Remember, it was a two-way street. He gave his forgiveness first, but he asked for yours too."

I thought about her theories. In the long run, did it really matter? Why go there? It's over and there is forgiveness all around. Soon we will renew our vows and that will move everything back to square one. We can forget the past and step into an uncluttered future.

Maybe even of more importance, I've never seen Joe's light brighter than it is now. My own light grows brighter with each passing day. Both Sunny and Penny are now reflecting our light. How can anything top that?

The light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.

THE END