All Comments on 'Whom You Least Expect'

Serious need of reeditting and proofreading

I sure as hell hope you have a sequel planed for this one! It was everything and more I hoped for and thoroughly enjoyed every moment of it, sure there were some problems and errors but far from interfering with the story. Bothe Elsa & Violet are such lovable characters I really wish them happiness and lots of pleasure in the future, both at college and later in life - YES I hope for the long haul here.

Gave it a 5* and that sequel better not be far off!!!

Please start using contractions (e.g. I'm instead of I am), nobody talks like that. If you read it out loud it sounds very robotic and not natural. I couldn't get past the first few paragraphs because the dialogue was so unnatural.

Enjoyed your story,hope for a part2.As you said at the beginning an editor is needed.Good first effort.

Basic structure of your story seems fine.

You could do with some serious editing to iron out some rough edges, mismatched tenses, half sentences etc.

Try reading bits aloud to yourself to get an idea for how they flow - not just the dialogue. Work inside a vocabulary you are comfortable with rather than feeling you have to stretch yourself.

Above all persevere and if you enjoy writing write more. In the end it is the only way to improve.

I was in need of someone to proofread it, just never found anyone who wanted to do it. When you do your own editing is quite difficult to pull a story at its best, plot holes and grammar tend to plague one’s work. I value a lot your opinion and will make it better next time. I do apreciate all the feedback. I will try to find an editor for my story and then re-edit it; and yes, I have planned another visit at these two in the future. Thanks again.

a good first story, but Elsa needs to learn to forget the past no matter how hard it is and to treat violet with all the love she can and yes get an editor to help you and I hope to hear about their collage years

That line jumped out at me - it seems a terribly British expression for what seems like a US high school story! Since it's the introduction to Violet, it can work if you give her an English accent, or you can use a more US expression. Just something to think about with dialogue

I enjoyed your story very much. Won’t delve into the editor stuff, seems that has been covered. Although that is the reason I gave 4 out of 5 stars.. It moved a little quick, going from disliking/hating each other to almost lovers in less than a day. If there is a part II it will be interesting if this dom/sub thing continues or if the girls will have a equal loving relationship. I’m looking forward To reading of your stories.

I like your style the story was well written and planned. Five stars

I like the characters for the most part. The moms are weird. So was Elsa at the end. I liked Violet, I liked them being an adorable sweet couple with a little bit of kink.

The grammar. sentence structure, and spelling were so bad, it took away from the story. You need to have your stories edited before you submit them. I am disappointed that Literotica published it.

It was good I was excited to read more of work but seen this was your only entry. I really hope you continue the story

This story shows promise but from the whole structure I'm guessing that English is not your first language. If I'm right you deserve congratulations---it must be very difficult to write a long story in a foreign language. The main problems with the story are stilted and often unnatural dialogue (in English, and probably other tongues, few people speak so formally but speak in abbreviations), misused/incorrect words and some faulty construction. A good editor should be able to help you overcome these problems. But keep trying and good luck.

1. Get an editor ASAP

2. Never use British slangs (sorry, this one appeared to be the perfect one)

3. Use contractions liberally during dialog. And to answer: I do talk like that (It must be insufferable to hear me). I'm right now making changes to my other story, thanks for the tip.

4. I will meticulously check sentence by sentence. As you might have already known, English is not my first language, sentence structure and tenses still confuse me some; I will keep simple sentences as much as I can. (I blame MSWord style editor on this one, it doesn't warn me of these mistakes).

5. I need coaching.

6. I had no answer from editors. They seem not interested. Maybe I am too much work.

7. I will continue writing. I have a story that needs an end... And have some more ideas that need to go out of my head if someone is interested to read them.

I enjoyed your story very much. I read your response to feedback and see you already know anything I could have said, so I'll just say Keep writing! You have good ideas, just need some polish.

I am giving this story a 5 because it's good, and you are trying so hard to write the story you want to write. I have a couple of suggestions: 1) If you are at all unsure of a word...Google it, especially proper nouns. 2) Print your story out and read it aloud, slowly. You will find mistakes. Phrases that don't seem right. Words that don't belong, etc. Then read it aloud again. You will find more mistakes. Correct them and read it again. It works best if you do this after each writing session. You don't have to wait until you have finished your story. In fact, it is too daunting to do this exercise with a complete story or article. Oh, and spellcheck makes mistakes. Don't trust it. This is where Google comes in.

Seemed to me your writing was better in the first page, was that the stuff you edited more or the stuff that felt more natural when you wrote it down?

Considering you are writing in a second language this is really impressive.

It felt more natural, the finishing touches were made on the first 4 paragraphs only. As I side note I found an editor, this story is going to be re-edited soon.

... just be aware of what particular idioms represent, and use the right context. It's not easy - especially since there is overlap between some expressions used in the UK and Ireland, and in Australia and New Zealand and in US and Canada, whilst some are very idiosyncratic (and that's without getting in to slang that teens use in those countries which may or may not be influenced by US English!). If you're more familiar with UK speech, then it might be easier to set a story in the UK, or to have a character that recently emmigrated/is on holiday. Hopefully it's something your editor can help with because, if done right, idiomatic speech can give a lot of information about character without having to build it in to exposition (unless it jars with the setting - that's what happened with me, I was wondering if she was British (or possibly Australian). I was expecting the other character to not understand her).

Funny thing is, it's hard even as your first language - I only found out the other day that Americans don't use the word "whinge", an English word for complain which is in really common use in the UK and Australia

Sure, some of the dialog was a little stiff, as others have mentioned, but it's still a five-star tale. The story line was good, the sex was hot. And Mom was so cool about the whole thing, and it made it that much better. All together a very good debut.

This story had a good premise. I like the way you set it up and how everything progressed. I hope you plan to continue. If so perhaps in shorter installments. I also think you need to keep with the Dom/Sub aspect of their relationship, at least at the out set. I see alot of muffins diving in Violets near future and fewer orgasms for her, especially now that she is addicted to them.

Edited version in American English. I really want to thank Axelotto, he did a excelent job editing my story.

Some editing is needed about the grammar and the pacing is sort of strange. I think you could expand upon their first meeting and Elsa’s difficulties in school, as well as the personal growth course. We see Violet evolve somehow throughout the story, but Elsa is always in command and invulnerable.

However, this feedback is possible in the first place because the story is fundamentally decent. If it was a dumpster fire people wouldn’t even take the time to comment.

Comments regarding the very odd missing words, and possible grammatical errors are nothing new to me lol.

Being from the UK, where we actually KNOW how to speak English and write it, personally I am well used to overlooking the above regularly when reading something written by "our North American cousins", although I suspect yours is more to do with the possibility English (U.S. or REAL English lol) being a second language to you.

My normal "hates" as it were would more be the use of elevator (lift), sidewalk (pavement), gas (petrol) and other such "Americanisms", and sadly references such as "High School" which appear to be creeping in over here (I went to a Primary School from ages 5 till 11, then Secondary School from 11 till 16), but I digress.

Great storyline, good strong characters who are believable and plenty of room for sensible, and "way out there" expansion even all the way up to Mother swapping if that's the way you want to go.

Good luck and keep writing :)

alexwatson62@aol.com

Why are people who identify as Lgbtqi+ lives are referenced as a " life style" is beyond me? To be honest that's a turn off. I cringe and try to skip the word when coming across it while reading these lovey offerings. Heterosexuality, isn't a life style same applies to the former.

More room for improvement however , it's a beautiful story.

Good plot line, I guess, but your writing is terrible. The way you portray the girls and the way that they talk is so unnatural.

The story base is great. Could've been amazing. The way you wrote I'm sorry to say is average. Too much too soon. I mean this girl has been bullied for years yet within a few hours her and the bully are in love? C'mon. They have no chemistry. And what girl wears broaches these days? Specially when there 18yrs old?

Shoot your editor. Very hard to read this story with all the errors.

Take of two stories

You write well. You sex scenes seem to be too graphic compared to your character writing. Almost reading two different stories. The non-sex scenes are extremely well written, the sex scenes seem not to match the development of the characters. The mothers seem already to be lining up to have sex, I think it’s better to not go down that road.

Great story! 5 stars.