Why Are Men So Stupid?

I hope that clears up a few things for you. Because you see, I married one of Susan's cop friends, and she married one of my business friends after her divorce.

Daniel and I have an agreement. It's called complete honesty. I'll also tell you since he and I started dating, there has been no one else inside my body, except when I delivered our children. But, since they grew inside of me, they had to get out somehow.

So, we can flash forward eighteen years. I have two high school age kids, a nice house, a dwindling mortgage, a loving husband, and two full time jobs. My first job is I'm a full time wife and mom. For the second job, I run an insurance office as its manager. Between keeping my husband happy, running my kids to their events and running the office, I don't have time for much else.

Granted, Susan and I take an hour a day to work out. We have to keep in shape, and we don't mean round. We've both aged pretty good. We still get the looks as we are out and about. All though my C cups have morphed into slightly drooping D's and my hips are a bit wider from having kids. I'm still a pretty good looking old broad, if I do say so myself.

So, I guess that leads me up to the time where... I'll call him Dick, for now. Well Dick, being one, saw me one day at some mall store or another. I didn't know Dick from Tom or Harry, but he remembered me it seems.

"Krystal...!" He shouted out happily. Now, I haven't gone by Krystal since my hostess days, so I ignored him. "Come on now, don't be that way." Dick came up in front of me. "I mean we used to have some good times together. Remember?" He winked his eye suggestively.

"Who are you?" I asked trying to place the face with anyone from my memory. I don't remember any fat balding pricks, so I tried to brush him off.

"Come on now, I wasn't sure it was you until you reached up and I saw that birth mark.' He gave me the eyebrow wiggle. "Granted the last time I saw it I was pumping your ass like a locomotive." He elbowed my boob and pissed me off.

"I don't know what you are talking about, so please leave me alone." I tried to walk past.

"Look Bitch!" Dick hissed showing me how pissed he really was. "I lost everything because of your whoring ass, and now it's time for some payback!" He tried to control his breathing. "Unless of course, you want the world to know what you used to do at the Dog and Pony Club!"

"What do you want?" I squinted at Dick, wanting nothing more than to break open his head.

"What I want is my fucking life back, but what I'll take, is yours!" Oh this asshole had a plan, and I just knew it. "I'm having a little party, and I want you to be the party favor." He smiled evilly. "I remember you used to be the best." He handed me a pay-as-you-go phone. "I'll call you with the details, or I'll call your husband and tell him he married a slutty whore!" He stomped off before I could stomp his ass.

"What's wrong Kris?" Susan walked up behind me.

"I think my past just caught up with me." I sighed, trying to get my anger in check.

"So, what are you going to do about it?" She smiled, quirking her brow, knowing me.

"I'm going to make that asshole wish he was never born. Call your husband and let him know you're having dinner at my place. Tell John to take the kids out to a movie or something so we can talk." I was already planning Dick's demise.

You see, like I said, my husband, who now is the supervisor over day shift patrol, and Susan who made detective a couple of years ago, I have enough back up to fuck up Dick's life to the fair thee well. No one threatens me. Not the cops then and not Dick now.

<><><>

"So, how do you want to handle it?" Daniel asked me, holding my hand.

"I want to burn this bastard to the ground. If he thinks I fucked up his life before, he's sadly mistaken and I'll prove it to him this time." I was panting with anger.

"Calm down. Let's see what he really wants first. We know no matter what, he's going to try and get something on you and destroy your life, like he says you did to him." Susan was rubbing my back. We all jumped when the phone rang. My husband nodded when he put the ear piece in that we had connected to the phone.

"Yeah, what do you want?" I answered.

"Now, that's no way to treat you new best friend." Dick laughed. "You see, I remember the Dog and Pony Club, and I remember you. I remember how you got away Scott free, while guys like me lost everything because we fell for your innocent slut act."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah... Ancient history and I didn't get away. I just didn't do anything illegal or cheat on anyone. That was all you pee-pee." I huffed. "If you remember correctly, I was subpoenaed to testify, and I did nothing to help the prosecution's case, so you should be thanking me, not trying to blackmail me."

"Fuck you... oh that's right I already have." He laughed.

"What do you want?" I sighed. "I don't have all day."

"You are going to do what you are so good at. You are going to entertain a few of my clients for me, or I tell your husband everything. How will that look? A cop's wife with a past as a whore... Just think of the headlines. You'll do as I say or I'll ruin you!"

"God you sound like a broken record." I interrupted his rant. "So, when, where and how many?" I asked bored.

"I'll let you know and about ten!" He chuckled.

"Ten, there is no way I'll do ten alone! I didn't back then and I won't now." I scoffed and rolled my eyes at my smiling husband.

"Well I have ten, and you are going to provide.... Find one of your whore friends, I don't fucking care!" He was breathing hard.

"I'll see what I can do. Call me back in a couple of days." I hung up on him and started laughing my ass off.

"What..?" Susan looked at me like I was crazy.

"You're going to be a whore for a night... and they'll eat it up." I couldn't stop laughing for five minutes.

"Okay, what are you talking about...?" Susan asked me getting pissed.

"But Officer Susan Savage, I've been such a naughty girl." I fluttered my eyelashes. "I need to be punished." I snorted.

"No, what you need is your head examined!" Susan wasn't thinking it through.

"I think I know where she's going with this and it wouldn't be entrapment." Daniel, my Daniel, he got it.

"Do you still fit in your uniform?" I asked all innocence. "I mean the one you wore when we were younger, before the kids?" I pulled my blouse tight to show off my tits.

"It's a bit tight, but I.... OH shit, you've got to be kidding me." Now she was getting it. "He'll never fall for it."

"Why not?" I asked, still wiping the tears from my eyes. "The hooker and the naughty cop. They will eat it up and be begging for more. They will be putty in our hands and you'll have an air tight case. All you have to say is something like 'I'm Officer Susan Savage, and you've been very naughty. So, who's going to strip down and assume the position so I can arrest you?' They'll be naked in seconds flat and you have identified yourself, you will be in uniform, and on duty."

"I think she's onto something." Daniel said, before Susan could quash the whole idea. "Plus we'll know where and be ready. We'll have the cameras and sound there to record it for the record. If a news crew was there when we led them out, it might teach a few men it's not nice to fuck with a cop's wife!" God, I love my husband.

"What if he tries to make sure you are compliant before the event?" Susan asked, looking at me and Daniel.

"I'll do a strip tease. It's not like he hasn't seen it before if he was at the club, and it's not like Daniel or you haven't seen me since." I shrugged. "If he tries to touch me, I'll break his dick off, shove it down his throat and that will be that."

<><><>

So, now that you have the history, let me tell you how it all played out.

Right on schedule, Dick called me back on the now burned, tagged and recorded pay-as-you-go phone, and told me. "Next weekend, you're to tell you husband you have to be out of town. I don't care how you do it, but make sure the weekend is free." He demanded without a hi, bye, or kiss my ass.

"Wow, I don't know if my friend can make the whole weekend." I stammered uncertainly.

"Look, I promised a whole weekend, you'll give me a whole weekend. Remember I can hurt you more than you can hurt me, so get it done!" Is it just me or is Dick one dumb mother fucker?

"How much am I going to be making for the weekend?" I knew I had to talk about the money.

"You're not going to be making a fucking dime. I'll pull in about five grand if everything goes to plan." Yep, Dick was a dumb mother fucker.

"How are you going to prove I'm a whore if I don't earn some money, besides, my friend is going to want her cut, or her pimp will take it out of your ass." I rolled my eyes at how fucking clueless Dick was.

"Fine, she can have twenty five percent, but no more. I've got bills to pay. That is the whole reason for this Dog and Pony Show. Besides, you fucking owe me!"

"So, how is this going to work? I mean no one is going to pay the same amount for a blow job as getting to stick his tiny dick up my ass. I do have morals you know."

"You let me worry about that. I'll probably do like the Pony did. Put all the money in a jar, but I'll put the prices on the side so they know what they are paying for." I could tell this ass-wipe was making it up as he went, but oh well.

You see, that was the difference between what I did and what he was trying to make me do. I didn't get paid for the sex. The sex was bonus.

Okay, so it was a lot of bonus, but still. I never fucked anyone I wouldn't have fucked otherwise. I got paid for showing the clubs clients a good time. Like I said, I got paid more for saying no, than dropping my panties and giving up the ass. What we split was actually tips for showing them a good time before the sex. There were no prices. They put in what they thought the evening was worth to them when they came in. I never asked. I never had to ask. But anyway, back to Dick and his feeble attempts at becoming a Pimp.

"Okay, but I don't want you bitching about the show we put on." I sighed resigned to his coercion.

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"Well I thought I'd be giving a show to get everyone in the mood. You know something to make it more fun." I smiled at Susan who was scowling at me and blew a kiss to my husband who was listening in with his boss. "Some girl on girl action maybe." I stuck my tongue out at Susan who was looking wide eyed at me.

"Oh damn that sounds hot!" He sounded like he was pounding his pud while thinking about it.

"Okay, since you're not giving me a choice, I guess I'll have to do it." I sighed, resigned to my fate.

"You better believe you don't have a choice. I fucking own you and we both know it. You fuck this up, and I'll ruin you. If you do a good job... it will be the start of a profitable relationship. Well, at least for me."

My God, did he learn evil lessons from the cartoons or what? All he needed was the hand rubbing and stupid laugh.

"What the fuck did I ever do to you to make you hate me so much?" I asked, getting a look from Daniel's boss.

"I lost everything because of you. I lost my house, my wife, my kids, and my job. I lost everything, because of you. I never fucked any of those other whores until you came there and you made is so I couldn't resist! You fucking owe me and I'm going to collect!" He was still raving at me when I clicked off the phone.

"That's one deluded twisted prick." I shook my head at everyone.

"There any truth to what he said" Daniel's boss asked looking at me like I was a bug.

"Don't go there." Daniel hissed.

"Look asshole, I never invited you into my house!" I snapped at him. "Ask Susan, she was there. Look at my fucking record and see for yourself. But don't you ever talk to me like that again, or I'll have your ass on a platter!" I was ready to rip him a new pie hole.

"I think you better leave before she kicks your ass." Susan warned him. "Remember we didn't have to bring this to you and the Chief loves Kris like his own little sister." Susan stepped forward.

"Sorry, I'm just asking what the DA and the Defense is going to ask." He held up his hands, trying to placate us.

"We'll talk later Mike, but I think it's time for you to leave our house." Daniel stepped up to me and put his arm around me. I love my man, but I know he wasn't trying to protect me while he hugged me close.

<><><>

So, there we were. We looked up at some low rent, no tell, hotel, while Susan was bitching at me.

"I look like a slut in this get up!"

"Duh, that's the idea." I'd huffed at her. "You're the naughty cop. So be naughty. Tease a little bit and we'll have them screwed blued and tattooed before they know what hit them." I fixed my lip gloss and tweaked my nipples.

"Remember our husbands are watching." She blushed. "Don't give them any ideas." She tugged at her too tight uniform blouse.

"Hike those puppies up." I grabbed her bra straps and shortened them. "You've got to sell it, so show some cleavage. We need them to be looking at your tits, not your real badge." I fluffed her hair into spiky bangs. "Give me five minutes then knock on the door. I'll have them warmed up and don't for God's sake flinch at anything I do." I sighed and waited for the fucking phone to ring.

"Yeah," I answered when it rang.

"Room two ten." Dick's voice hissed before he disconnected.

"It's show time, so enjoy the show." I kissed in the direction of the camera, knowing my husband was watching. I slapped my riding crop in my palm and stalked off in my whore heeled biker boots.

I knocked on the door. "I heard there is a party here. Can I join?" I smiled at the gulping older man. I saw his wedding ring, and no longer felt any guilt about what I was about to do to these assholes. "What's a girl got to do to get in the door?" I let the wrap fall off my shoulder.

"Damn Dick, you weren't lying. This bitch is hot!" The guy gulped and opened the door to let me in.

"Ooohh, an audience." I purred. "So do we want a show or what?" I was into it. I had them in the palm of my hand and straining their trousers. Right on cue Susan knocked on the door. "I'll get it." I blew a kiss to the enraptured men.

"I've had a complaint of some illegal funny business going on." Susan said her line, trying not to blow it.

"The only think illegal is that you are not joining the fun." I pulled her in the room and kissed her. "Can I play with your nightstick?" I cooed in her ear, stroking her nightstick hanging from her belt.

"Oh my God, is she's part of the show?" One guy gasped, pulling out his pecker and stroking it like a fiend.

"I'm Officer Susan Savage. I'm here to see who is being naughty. Are any of you boys being naughty?" Susan played it just right.

"Okay guys, you've seen the wares, pay up before the games get interesting." Dick almost broke the mood, but before you knew it, wads of money were in a big jar that had a piece of paper taped to it.

"So, there are a lot of naughty boys here. Let me search you to make sure you're not armed with anything that could hurt us." She pulled out her stick and stroked it up and down.

"Damn this is hot!" The old guy looked like he was going to have a stroke.

"Come on boys. Show me you're not armed so I can frisk you, just like I'm frisking this naughty little girl." Yeah, they were eating it up as Susan put me on the wall and frisked me very slowly, not missing a curve or cranny of my body.

Within a minute, almost all of the guys were down to their shorts or boxers licking their lips.

"Oh Officer Savage, are you going to need help searching all these big strong men?" I asked wide eyed.

"Let's see, do I need to call for back up or are you going to be nice about it and assume the position on the wall?" Her top button popped making them all gasp. This was too good. We watched as they lined up on any spot of the wall and waited to be searched.

"That looks about right." I said with a smile.

"Yes it does." Susan sighed, licking her lips. "All right guys, you are all under arrest for solicitation of prostitution." Her voice got hard. "Don't get off the wall as my partners come in and cuff you and take you out to be booked."

"What the fuck?" One guy started to move as the door burst open and ten other officers came in the room. "You heard Office Savage, don't move. You're under arrest. You have the right to remain silent...."

"Oh no Dick, don't even think about it." I took my heel and nutted the bastard as he tried to run past me with the jar of money.

"Is that the Pimp?" One of the officers asked me as he put his knee in Dick's back.

"Yeah, that's the blackmailing son-of-a-bitch!" Susan grabbed me before I did something irreparable.

"This is entrapment!" One of the guys yelled. "I'll have your badges. Just wait until my lawyer hears about this!" He eyes went wide as he was escorted out to do his perp walk, the news cameras right there in his face.

"I don't think so asshole. We have it on tape that Officer Savage ID'd herself when she came into the room. Her arrest is as by the book as you can get. Not a word misspoken or out of context. Your helping with the search for weapons was just bonus." The cop who was walking laughed. "This is going to look great on You-Tube when it goes out. God, I love the freedom of information act, you naughty boy."

"I'll get you, you bitch. I'll fucking destroy you! Just wait until I talk to your husband. This isn't over cunt." Dick was screaming at me as it took three guys to pull him out of the room.

"Hey asshole!" Daniel walked up in uniform. "Watch what you say to my wife." That brought him up short. "Besides, you can't tell me anything I don't already know. So, since you have the right to shut the fuck up, I'd use it if I was you!"

He went ballistic instead and on camera too. "You fucking whore. I'll fucking kill you. Just wait until I make bail, I'll find you and kill you. You fucking bitch, I'll kill you." Well, so much for him making bail.

<><><>

"Are you done writing that statement yet?" Susan asked, looking over my shoulder. "We need to get you in some real clothes so these guys can get some work done, and stop looking at the boss's wife." She turned on the cops who made themselves very busy doing something else.

"Yeah, I think that's about all I can say about it. I hope the kids never learn about this."

"Too late, John has been telling them all about it." Susan sighed. "They double teamed him after the second time we sent them out to discuss the case."

"Shit, not good." I sighed.

"What, they think it's cool." Susan laughed. "Their mom gets to bust open a big prostitution ring and she still hot enough to pull it off. The news is calling it the 'Naughty Boy Raid'. Daniel squared them away of the use to be a prostitute thing. So, you're a hero in their eyes. And talking about eyes, there are too many wandering ones here so let's go get you dressed again." She covered me with a coat and pulled me into the women officers changing area as the men groaned.

<><><>

So, there you have it. Once upon a time ago, I used to earn money from my body. Does that make me a prostitute? Some will say yes and some will say no. I know legally I never sold myself for money, so I say no. According to the police and the courts, I have a completely clean record. Yes, I had a lot of consensual sex when I was younger. But, I know I'm in good company of others who did the same things. Some of them are Senators and such.

I can tell you that I have never cheated on my husband and I never will. Yes, I know how to do things that still rock his world and do them on a regular basis. But, isn't that the way it's supposed to be? It is my job to keep him totally happy and I love doing my job.