Why Can't I Be Loved

"Jesus," I yelled as I quickly covered myself with the towel and backed against the wall. She giggled as I carefully sidestepped my way along the wall and ducked into my room, closing the door behind me.

A lot of good it did. She walked in on me before I had a chance to put anything on. "Hey, get out of here," I yelled again.

"You must be Carter," she casually replied.

I was anything but casual as I covered my cock and balls with both hands. "Who are you?"

"I'm Serena," she answered.

"What are you doing up here? Nobody is supposed to come up here."

"Dad said I should come and get you to come down for lunch."

"Dad?"

"Yeah, Dad, you know, Stan, your boss, the guy who owns the restaurant you work at."

"I... I didn't know he was married."

"He's not, not anymore anyway. He and my mom are divorced."

I couldn't believe I was standing there naked having a conversation with my boss's daughter. "Well, get out of here, will ya. I have to get dressed," I told her.

"Carter, I'm nineteen, I've seen a naked boy before."

"Not this boy," I shot back.

"You wanna bet," she replied with another giggle.

I'm not quite sure what was more humiliating, me standing there naked or the hard-on I could feel growing from behind my hands. "Come on," I almost begged, "get out of here so I can get dressed."

"Oh, okay," she replied, reluctantly. "I'll meet you downstairs. Don't take too long though or I'll come back up and get you," she said with a smile.

She left the door open on her way out so I didn't move my hands until I heard her descending the stairs. God, was I embarrassed. The last thing I wanted to do after that was face her again, over lunch. I sat on the bed and contemplated jumping out the second-story window headfirst.

I put on a clean pair of pants and shirt, combed my hair, and took a deep breath before going downstairs. Stan saw me as I passed by the kitchen. "She's waiting for you," he called out with a smile. I just smiled back and waved.

As I entered the restaurant, I scanned the room, but the first person I saw was Cathy. My heart skipped a beat again. As she moved, I saw she was taking Serena's order. I felt incredibly self-conscious as I approached and slipped into the booth opposite Serena. Cathy turned to take my order, and I saw her laugh inwardly to herself when she recognized me. I was sure Serena had told her about catching me naked and the two of them were having a good laugh at my expense.

Admittedly, I had a chip on my shoulder. All my life I'd had people belittle and laugh at me but it really hurt when I saw that look in the eyes of my goddess. Then I thought, what did I expect? It made me even angrier than I was. Serena noticed my attitude immediately as I gave Cathy my order. It must have been something in my voice.

"Jesus, who pissed in your Cheerios?" She said as Cathy walked away to hand in our orders. "Are you still pissed because I saw you naked?"

"Shhh," I whispered, "you don't have to blab it to the whole restaurant," I admonished.

"I haven't told anyone," she replied.

"What about Cathy just now?"

"No, of course not."

"Then why was she laughing at me when she took my order?"

"She wasn't laughing, she was smiling. She smiles like that at everyone. Christ, are you always so paranoid?"

Okay, maybe I WAS being overly sensitive. I had to learn that not everyone in the world were like most of the people from my past. I apologized and thought I'd change the subjet.

"Does your dad know what a pervert you are?"

"Absolutely not. He thinks I'm more of a pervert than I really am," she said with a laugh. I didn't want to, but it was hard not to smile at that. "Wow, is that a smile I see?" She teased. "Dad says he thinks you've had it pretty rough but I know he likes you and he's usually a pretty good judge of character, so come on, tell me about yourself. Based on what I just saw, I have a feeling Dad's right about you having a tough life so far."

I really wasn't in the mood to tell my life's story. "There's not much to tell."

"Oh, come on," she replied, "Dad says you're eighteen. How come you're living alone? Where're your parents?"

"Beats me," I answered, "never met them."

She looked a little confused. "Never met who?" Then it dawned on her. "Your parents?" She gasped out in shock. "How can you never meet your parents?"

Whether I was in the mood or not didn't seem to make much difference. It didn't appear she was going to stop asking questions, so I thought, what the hell...

"Well, not that I remember, anyway," I answered. "My mother left me in front of a cop house when I was three days old. When I told your dad my last name, I'm pretty sure he thought I was making it up, but I was found on Larrabee Street so that's what they named me."

"Oh, my God, Carter, that's horrible. So, where have you been living all this time? Did somebody adopt you?"

I had to chuckle. It's the life-long dream of every orphan: to be adopted into a loving family; the truth is, it rarely happens that way.

"No, I was never lovable enough to be adopted. I was placed in a few foster homes, but it never lasted that long. Most of the people just wanted the money they get from the state or somebody they could put to work as a housekeeper."

"Jesus, Carter, I... I can't even imagine living like that. I thought I had it bad when my folks got divorced but..." Her words were lost in thought as she tried to envision the atrocities of my life. "Does my dad know all this?"

"No, and I appreciate it if you didn't spread it all over town. I don't need..."

"I won't say anything," she said, anticipating what I was going to say, "but you should tell my dad. Maybe he can help you some way."

"He's already helped me—a lot. You have no idea what it means to have a place to sleep every night, a place of my own... kind of."

"And I invaded that space, didn't I?" Serena said, now having some idea of how I must have felt.

"You didn't know," I countered.

"Yeah, but I shouldn't have just gone up there like that. I should have yelled or knocked on the wall or something. I should have warned you some way. I'm really sorry, Carter. I'll never do that again, I promise."

"Thanks, Serena, I appreciate that."

Just then, Cathy came with our food. She looked at me again as she set it down on the table. "So, you're here two days in a row. Are you a friend of Serena's?"

Serena answered before I had a chance to open my mouth. "He works here, Cathy."

"He does?"

I finally broke out of my trance and spoke. "Yeah, I'm the new dishwasher."

"Oh, okay; I guess I'll be seeing a lot more of you then." She smiled and my heart melted. "Well, welcome aboard," she said as a couple of guys came in and sat in her section. She excused herself and walked over to take their order. Serena noticed I was still staring.

"You can close your mouth now," she commented, "you're catching flies."

"She's really nice."

"Yes, she is. We struck up a friendship when she first started here," Serena replied. "A little old for you though."

I chuckled, "I'd never have a chance with anyone like her anyway. I think some people are just destined to be alone all their lives. I used to dream about having a family someday. A real one, you know, like a wife and kids, all that stuff, but I don't really think it'll ever happen, not for me; I guess I'm just not the type."

I'm pretty sure the look I saw on Serena's face was one of pity, and although I did kind of pour my heart to her, I wasn't looking for pity so I changed the subject again.

I found out she and her mother still lived in the same house she grew up in. Her dad fixed up the apartment in the back of the restaurant a few years earlier when he and her mom split up. She didn't say why they divorced, but I got the impression she blamed her mom more than her dad. I could tell she took it pretty hard when Stan moved out, but I think she was embarrassed to say so after knowing what I'd gone through.

Over the next couple of months, Serena came by the restaurant a several times a week and we'd have lunch. I really liked her. She was fun and easy to talk to. Unfortunately, she was going to college in the fall. I didn't tell her how I felt, but she was the first and only real friend I'd ever had. I cried in my room all night after she left.

In the meantime, I had talked Stan into giving me a little space in the corner of the restaurant that was too small for a table. I found an old wooden chair in the storage area and built a small shoeshine stand from some scrap lumber. Stan took ten percent as rent for the space, but even after deducting Stan's cut and my supplies, I was still netting between twenty-five and thirty-five dollars a day, shining shoes. Stan loved it because people would sometimes see the sign I put in the window, come in for a shoeshine, and stay for lunch.

Stan helped me open a savings account in the bank down the street. Hell, I was bringing in over three hundred a week and still had free room and board. The money piled up in no time.

It was mid-November and old man winter was already setting his sights on Chicago. I put my 'out to lunch' sign across my stand and walked over to the counter for something to eat. Cathy was there and started to take my order.

"I'll bet you miss Serena, don't you?"

"Yeah, she's really nice to talk to," I responded.

She looked at me with kind of a sarcastic sneer. "Talk, yeah-right, I'm sure you two did more than talk."

I had no idea what she meant. In another three months, I was going to be nineteen but I was a newborn baby when it came to the things Cathy was talking about. She looked as if she was studying my face.

"Come on, you mean to tell me you two weren't doing the horizontal Mambo?"

I still had no idea what she was talking about and evidently, it was very apparent. "You know, screwing... fucking... Jesus, are you really that naive?"

I must have turned twenty shades of crimson. "I... I... no, we never..."

"Damn," she interrupted, "really? Why not? I know she sure wanted to. Every time she looked at you it was written all over her face."

That was news to me. Now I was not only humiliated but my mind was spinning with thoughts of what I might have missed. I'd never had a girlfriend before, and the only thing I knew about sex certainly taught me nothing about making love to someone.

"You must be really bad at picking up signals," Cathy said. "Wait... ar... are you a virgin? You are, aren't you?" she said with a slight chuckle.

I stammered as I tried to deny it, but I wasn't very successful.

"Well," she said, "we just might have to do something about that."

My brain went crazy as she turned to put my order in. She just smiled at me again as she picked up a coffee pot and strolled out to give her customer's a refill.

What did she mean? I knew what I hoped she meant, but that was unthinkable. I played her words over and over in my head trying to figure out what she really meant. There was no way a woman like Cathy would have sex with someone like me. She was too beautiful. She could have any man she wanted.

That last thought forced me to realize something... she was making fun of me. Of course, I should have known it from the beginning, all that stuff about Serena and shit... I almost fell for it. God, I felt so stupid. She had no idea of my past so I didn't think she meant to hurt me. It was just a little teasing as far as she was concerned. I'd been made fun of all my life. You'd think I'd be used to it by then, but the truth was, it really hurt coming from Cathy.

Years prior, I told myself to hell with people who made fun of me. I'd simply ignore them and eventually they'd leave me alone. Over the next couple of weeks, I tried staying away from Cathy as much as I could. My feelings were hurt, and although I'd still take a bullet for her, I didn't want to be the butt of her jokes anymore. I didn't even think she noticed, but I was wrong.

It had been pouring rain most of the day and we were uncharacteristically slow around lunchtime. With only a couple people in her section, Cathy came over and stood in front of me while I was eating. "All right, hotshot, what's wrong?"

I tried to play dumb. "What do you mean? Nothing's wrong."

"Don't give me that BS. You've been avoiding me like I have the plague or something; spill it."

I knew if I told her I'd sound like a whiny little punk but it just came out anyway. "You... you hurt my feelings before, that's all. No big deal."

"I hurt your feelings, how, when?"

"When you were making fun of me about Serena and... and about... you know... having sex with me," I mumbled.

"What makes you think I was making fun of you?"

"Oh, come on, Cathy, I doubt very much Serena would want to have sex with me, and I KNOW someone like you could have any man she wanted, probably any man in the whole city, so why in the world would you have sex with me?"

She just stared at me for a few seconds before... "Wow..." Just then someone at her table asked for more coffee. "I'll be right back," she flatly stated, "don't you move."

It appeared I'd really ticked her off, but I wasn't quite sure why. She was back in no time.

"First of all, I wasn't making fun of you. I saw the looks Serena was giving you. She has feelings for you, you're just too naïve to pick up on it. You're a nice, hard-working, handsome man with zero self-confidence. I offered to have sex with you because, from what I've heard, you've had a life full of bad breaks, and from what you just told me, you think very little of yourself. I believe it's about time to turn that around some. At the very least, you need to learn some social skills, or someday you're going to be an eighty-year-old virgin.

She reached over and grabbed a napkin from the container and started writing on it. "Here, this is my address. Come by after work."

"I... I don't have a car."

"It's fourteen blocks. If I can walk it, so can you."

"I... I don't get off until eleven o'clock," I stuttered.

"I know. I'll be waiting." And with that, she picked up a few menus and walked over to seat the three gentlemen who had just walked in. As I followed her with my eyes, I noticed it had stopped raining. I glanced at my stand and saw my first shoeshine of the day. It had been so slow that I hadn't bothered to put my "out to lunch" sign up, so he just stepped up and sat down. Oh well, I thought, I didn't really want to finish my lunch anyway.

I never did get a chance to talk to Cathy again. We were both pretty busy. At three o'clock, I closed my stand and went back to the kitchen. When I stopped for dinner a few minutes after seven, she was already gone. I was still having a really hard time believing she was serious, but I was smart enough to know there was only one way to find out.

I wanted to run, but I didn't want to be all tired and sweaty when I got there so I walked at a normal pace until I found myself standing in front of an old-style, six-floor, apartment building. It was a good thing she gave me the apartment number, because I didn't see her name next to the buzzer I was ringing. She was waiting for me with the door open as I reached the top of the third floor.

"You made it," she greeted with a smile. "I was afraid you might chicken out."

I was so nervous all I could think about was how badly I had to pee. "Ah, can I use your bathroom?" I asked with a red face.

"Sure, it's right around the corner there."

When Cathy heard the door open, she raised her voice slightly to make sure I heard her. "In here, Carter."

Following her voice, I turned the corner to find my ultimate dream girl sitting on the edge of her bed. Immediately, my cock started to harden.

"Come on, sit here next to me," she said, patting the bed. "I've been thinking about this for a while. I like you, Carter. You're polite, hard-working, intelligent, and humble; boy are you humble," she chuckled. She gave me that million-dollar smile and started to unbutton my shirt. "Just relax," she told me.

By the time she reached the forth button, my cock was so hard it hurt. With in a couple of minutes she had my shirt opened and my pants lying in a heap on the floor. She knelt between my legs, looked up at me with those blue eyes, and licked the shaft of my penis. "Not bad," she said with that smile.

"Oh, Cathy, I... I'm sorry but I... I'm going to come."

"So what we do is slow down until the urge passes," she said. "When you learn to pace yourself and know when to slow down and when to give it a hundred percent, you'll be able to go for hours."

Of course she was right. In the time it took her to explain, the urge had passed and I was almost out of my head in ecstasy as my dream girl gave me my first blowjob. It was several minutes before I got the urge again but Cathy kept going that time. Even while it was happening, I couldn't believe I was coming in Cathy's mouth. When I finally came back to the land of the living, I saw Cathy, still on her knees, looking up at me and licking her lips. I thought I was going to come again right there and then.

She stood up and asked me if I'd like to undress her. I was actually going to see her naked. I took off my shirt and threw it with my pants.

"When you're with Serena you'll want to be behind her for this part. You're going to slowly and sensually strip her while kissing the back of neck and maybe gently nibbling her earlobes. Don't be in a hurry; set the mood. Don't ever be a 'wham-bam-thank-you-ma'me' kind of guy when making love.

"There is a time and a place for it. It's a called a quickie, but I'll let Serena introduce you to that if she wants."

As anxious as I was to see my dream girl naked, I followed her directions and took my time. When I was done she stood in front of me for a few moments and let me feast my eyes.

"Okay, you've had your eyeful," she said while climbing into bed. "I'm sure you've heard the term, 'eating pussy.' I've never been a man but I assume, euphoria wise, it's equivalent to what I did for you, so I hope you're not squeamish because it's a very important part of making love."

I'll admit, what she had me do was a little shocking at first, but once I heard her moans and knew the pleasure I was giving her, I really got into it. Giving Cathy that first orgasm was the biggest thrill of my life. I didn't want to stop. I gave her a second and a third... I felt her hand on my head.

"Okay, okay," she said, breathlessly. "I... I can't take anymore. Damn, you're a quick leaner but it's time to put it in me. Come on up here, I'll guide you in."

I had been so hard I thought I would come the moment I slipped into those heavenly gates but I remember what she said about taking it slow and easy. She was moaning again. I paced myself like she said and was able to give her two more orgasms before we came together.

We lay side by side while trying to catch our breath. "You're a good student, Carter. I hope this gives you some confidence because you sure have nothing to be insecure about."

Once we were rested we did it again, and then again. I was getting ready to blow my load for the third time when...

"WHAT THE HELL, CATHY?"

The forceful baritone voice scared the life out of me. My eyes must have been as wide as two frisbees as I looked at the man standing in the doorway. He was mean looking with a shaved head, a two-day-old beard and tattoos going down both arms. If I hadn't been hard as a rock and inside Cathy at that moment, I swear I would have pissed myself.

"Frank, what are you doing home?"

"We had an accident at the plant. They shut the whole production line down and sent everyone home. Who the hell is this?" Before Cathy could answer, he got a better look at me. "Jesus Christ, Cathy, he's nothing but a kid. When did you start robbing the cradle?"