Why Can't I Be Loved

She went on. "Dad always put in sixteen hours as the second cook. Would you be willing to put those kinds of hours in until Dad gets back on his feet? You'll be well compensated."

I was confused. "Yeah, I can put in the hours but how does that solve the cooking problem?"

"You're going to get a crash course on cooking. Dad called Jerry and he said he'd be happy to show you the ropes. I just talked to Andy and he said the same thing. Between them and me, we'll have you cooking up a storm in no time."

"What about the dishes? Who is..."

"Jerry knows a guy who's desperate for work. He'll be here at seven."

That started my training as a restaurant cook. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Most of the meals were done with a set formula, and there were timers on the ovens, the microwaves, and deep fryers... everything. In a lot of cases, you just stuck the food in the appropriate cooker, set the timer, and voila.

Stan came through his surgery with no problems, but he wouldn't be returning to work for a couple of months, maybe longer. He'd stay with his ex after being released from the hospital, then, once he got stronger, she'd drive him to and from physical therapy three times a week. It would be a while before he was back to a hundred percent.

Of course, Serena had to get back to school. She left a couple days after the surgery. God, I hated to see her go. We both had watery eyes as we kissed for the last time in what would be several months.

After a couple of weeks, I was starting to settle into a routine, although at night I'd be out cold before I even hit the mattress. I'd been going strong for a good month when I decided to take a break and actually sit down and eat lunch instead of stuffing my mouth while cooking. I made myself some chicken paragon and took a seat at the counter. Cathy saw me and sat down on the next stool. We hadn't talked in a while.

"Taking a break?"

"Yeah, not for long, but I just had to get out of that kitchen for a few minutes. I don't know how Stan does it."

"He loves it. I don't know what he'd do without this place," she stated. "So, how did my pupil do last month?" she asked with a big smile.

Of course, I knew what she was talking about and I guess I blushed, because she chuckled while looking at me. "A man never kisses and tells," I told her, "but let me just say I am eternally grateful to have had such a skilled and wonderful teacher."

"Oh, my, that good, huh?" She laughed. "Is she spending the week at home with her dad?"

I couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Cathy knew where she was as well as I did. "As far as I know, she's at school. Why would you think she's at home?"

"Isn't this the week they're on spring break?"

Hell, the only thing I knew about college was that you had to be smart to get in. "I have no idea, what's spring break?"

"Just what it sounds like," she replied. "All the college students get a week off. I thought it was this week, but I could be wrong. Damn, I hope I didn't ruin some surprise," she said, scolding herself. "Don't tell anyone I said anything, will ya."

"Your secret is safe with me," I countered with a smile. We both had to get back to work, so that's where the conversation ended but the revelation about spring break lingered in my mind. All the time Serena and I were together, she never once mentioned it. Maybe it was meant to be a surprise, as Cathy suggested, but that didn't seem like it was in character for Serena.

After a couple of days, my curiosity was getting the better of me. Even with the threat of spoiling some kind of surprise, I had to know what was going on. I waited till the slowest part of the day then slipped back into Stan's apartment for some privacy and called Ms. Mancini.

"Hi, Carter. Did you want to talk to Stan? I'm afraid he's upstairs, resting. Can I have him call you back?"

"Ah, actually I was just wondering when Serena comes home for spring break."

"Oh, Carter, didn't she tell you, she's not coming home. She and a few of her friends went to Daytona Beach for the week. As you can imagine, reservations have to be made well in advance for motels. Serena and her friends booked a couple of rooms way back in September of last year. She was going to cancel after Stan's heart attack, but it would have put a real financial strain on the other girls, so it wasn't easy, but we convinced her to go."

"I see," I said, dejectedly. Evidently, she heard the tone of my voice.

"I'm sorry, Carter, I didn't know you were expecting her. She should have told you."

"It's okay, Ms. Mancini. Thanks for letting me know. I have to get back to work, bye."

I still had no idea what spring break was all about. I'm not real computer savvy but I can turn one on and use two fingers to type something into the search engine. I opened Stan's laptop and typed, 'spring break, Daytona Beach.' What I saw almost made me throw up. There was video after video of guys and girls drinking and partying like there was no tomorrow. Half the girls were topless and some were running around completely naked. Shit, the whole thing was one giant orgy.

I knew it was too good to be true. The whole time I was with Serena, there was a little voice in my head telling me it wasn't real. I should have listened to it. I didn't know much about love, but I knew she'd never go down there and be a part of that if she really loved me.

The computer screen was getting blurry and I could feel the tears breaching my lower lids and running down my cheeks. I kept castigating myself. After everything I'd been through, why did I allow it to happen again? I really thought things were different this time.

I had to get back to work. I dried my eyes and went back to the kitchen. Andy asked me if everything was all right. I told him I was just tired and finished the night in silent misery. It wasn't any better later when I tried getting some sleep. I just kept playing those videos over and over in my head.

The next morning, I was dead on my feet and wasn't sure how I was going to make it for sixteen hours. I drank about ten cups of coffee before even opening the place up. On the way in, Holly gave me a second look and Colleen asked if I was okay. Jerry told me I looked like death warmed over and said I should pace myself and he'd pick up the slack, but I was determined to pull my own weight.

The breakfast crowd was thinning out when Jerry and I heard some commotion in the restaurant. We both rushed out to see what was happening. It was Stan. Everyone, including the patrons, had circled him and were asking how he felt while they shook his hand. He had a big smile on his face as he told everyone he was getting stronger every day.

It was so good to see him I couldn't help myself; I walked up and gave him a hug. "You sure look better than the last time I saw you," I said with a big grin.

"Thanks to you," he replied.

Jerry and I had things cooking so we had to get back while Stan finished saying hi to everyone. A few minutes later, I caught a glimpse of him as he passed the kitchen on the way into his apartment. About an hour later he came out and asked if I had a few minutes to talk. He had me follow him back to his flat and offered me a cup of coffee.

"First, I wanted to say you're doing a great job, Carter. I talked to Brian, our accountant, before I left the house this morning, and he told me the numbers are right where they should be. If he didn't know for a fact that I was home all this time, he wouldn't have guessed it from the receipts. We talked about a compensation plan for you and came up with one I think you're going to like. It should be in my email by now," he said as he raised the lid on his laptop. He opened his email and turned the screen around so I could see it.

"Ah, I'm still not real good at reading financial statements, Stan."

"Well," he responded, "in a nutshell, you're getting my salary. As long as the restaurant's bills are paid, I don't really need it while I'm staying with Jen, so I'm transferring it over to you as long as you're acting manager."

I didn't know what Stan paid himself, but I was sure it was more money than I needed. "Stan, you don't..."

"Carter, it's already done, but there's more. When I went in for my last check-up, the doctor asked about my hours. When I told him I worked sixteen hours a day, six days a week, I thought he was going to hit me. He gave me strict orders I was to work no more than eight hours a day from now on. That means I'm going to need another cook. So, when I come back to work, if you agree, I'll take an eight-hour night shift and I hope you'll take an eight-hour day shift. I figure a young guy like you would like his nights free. I also want you to be my manager to take some of the stress off my hands. I'll give you an additional ten percent of the business in compensation."

"Stan, holy cow, it's too much, way too much. Jesus, what would I even do with all that money?"

"Save it for your future, Carter, which brings me to something else I wanted to talk to you about.

"Jen tells me you called yesterday when I was taking a nap. She said you sounded really disappointed when she told you Serena was in Daytona Beach. She hasn't been around you two like I have. She didn't realize you kids had feelings for each other."

I guess I'd make a lousy actor because Stan saw right through me immediately. "What's the matter? You don't have to try and hide it, Carter, it's obvious you two care deeply for each other."

"I... I don't honestly think she cares all that much for me, Stan. Nobody has ever cared for me like that. I thought it was different with Serena, but I just have to finally accept the fact that I'm just not a very loveable kind of guy."

Stan just sat there looking at me for a few seconds. "I don't get it. You don't think she loves you just because she went to Daytona?"

"I've seen the videos, Stan. I know what goes on down there."

"What videos, what are you talking about?"

"Go to your search engine, type in 'spring break, Daytona Beach' and see what comes up," I told him.

He turned the computer back around to see the screen and typed it in. I could hear it playing and watched his face. I could see he was getting angry. "And you think this is what Serena is doing... running around naked and screwing every guy she sees?"

I didn't realize his anger was directed at me until I looked into his eyes. "If that's what you think then maybe you DON'T deserve my daughter."

I was devastated. Getting Stan mad at me was the last thing I ever wanted to do. He was the only person in my whole life who had given me a break. "Stan, I... I..."

He sighed, slumped back in his chair, and stared at me. "Okay, okay," he said. "I guess... I don't know, maybe I'd react the same way if I grew up with your background." He momentarily stared off into space like he was deep in thought. "Hell, I did react like that once and it cost me my marriage," he said, "and you're about to make the same stupid mistake.

"Look, I'm going to forget this part of our conversation, but don't ever bring it up with Serena or you WILL lose her, and I'd hate to see that happen. Not everyone who goes down to Daytona for spring break acts like this. These videos are posted to get people to watch them. No one's going to bother watching a bunch of teenagers relaxing on the beach. I'm not saying this kind of behavior doesn't exist, but I know my daughter and that's NOT what she's doing.

"Carter, I know you've been hurt and disappointed by people your whole life, so I guess it's understandable that you'd jump to the wrong conclusion, but part of loving someone is having faith in them. I learned that a little too late; don't make the same mistake I made.

"When Jen first started her job, she was traveling a lot. I wanted her to quit but I'd only been in business a couple of years and the restaurant was barely breaking even so we needed the money she made; besides, she loved the job. There was one guy she traveled with a lot. I got paranoid and suspected her of having an affair. I never confronted her because I had no proof, just my inner demons feeding my mistrust.

"A few years after our divorce I learned that the guy I thought she was screwing was gay... queer as a three-dollar bill." He chuckled at himself. "Never knowing I suspected them, Jen asked me to be her escort to his wedding. Imagine my shock when I saw two guys standing at the altar.

"I don't know where you got this idea that you're not loveable or likable or whatever you think, but all you have to do is look into Serena's eyes to know she loves you.

"Carter, I have never lied to you, so please believe me when I tell you Serena is not down there screwing other guys. She's down there enjoying the warm sun and the company of her friends. She's squishing the sand between her toes, getting tan, and swimming in the ocean. She's also thinking about you. Despite your past, not everyone is out to hurt you, Carter. Have some faith, please."

After our talk, Stan said he'd been running around all morning and was going back to the house before he got too tired to drive, and I went back to work. I tried to keep my mind on what I was doing but at times I'd drift back to what Stan said. He was so sure of himself when he talked about Serena, I believed him.

Business got slow around nine o'clock, so I told Andy I was going to take a break for a few minutes. It was only ten in Florida so I went upstairs to my room and called Serena. She sounded like she was in a cheerful mood.

"Hey, lover boy, how's my guy?"

"Hi, gorgeous, I'm fine, how are you? It sounds like you're hitting the sauce a little."

I heard her giggle. "You are very perceptive. I'm going to have to remember that. I'm sitting here having a little wine with Susie and Brenda."

I heard some girls giggling in the background, then one said, "Let me talk to him," and someone else was on the phone. "Hey, lover boy, you must be something. You're all Serena has talked about this whole trip." Just then I heard Serena scolding her in the background.

"Give me my phone back."

I heard them scuffling over it and the other girl's voice dying out as Serena regained control of her phone, but not before hearing the other girl yell out, "Got a brother for me?" I chuckled. It sounded like they were having a great time and thoughts about Serena cheating on me were completely lost in the gayety.

"Not as far as I know," I yelled back. We talked for a little longer, and it sounded like Stan knew exactly what he was talking about. Serena told me about all the fun she was having with her GIRLFRIENDS and said she wished I was there... although she wasn't sure how she would keep the other girls away. I laughed again. We said our goodbyes with an added, "I love you," from both of us.

God, was I glad I called. I went back to work with a grin so big Andy did a double take when he saw me. "That must have been some break," he chuckled.

Over the next couple of months, it felt as if my heart swelled bigger and bigger every time I talked to Serena over the phone. For the first time in my life, I was truly experiencing love... no, let me rephrase that, I was in love, and what was even better, I knew Serena was in love with me.

A couple of days later I saw one of my shoe-shine customers sitting at the counter having lunch and decided to say hi. He didn't know I was still working there and was surprised to see me. I gave him a very brief account of how I became a cook. He congratulated me, but said he really missed the shoe shine stand. That gave me an idea.

I put an ad in the paper and interviewed a bunch of young guys and a few girls until I found the right one. Her name was Charlene Archer, and she had just turned eighteen. Her dad was killed while serving his country and she needed a job to help out her mother. I taught her everything I'd learned about shining shoes and gave her the same deal Stan gave me, only she didn't have to quit at three o'clock like I did. I put my old sign back in the window, and in no time, she had a full clientele. Some nights she'd work until after the dinner hour. On a good day she made well over a hundred bucks in cash. It felt good to be able to pay back a little of what Stan had done for me.

It was another month before Stan was able to come back to work. At first, it was a little weird having all that free time, so I bought a laptop and used my evenings to study restaurant management online. I knew the basics from running Plato's, but found there was a whole lot more I didn't know.

Finally, after what seemed like a life-time, it was May and Serena was coming home for the summer. Stan told me she wouldn't get in until late, and after the long drive, would be too tired to come down to the city, but would be here the following day. He also told me he'd be spending the next few nights with his ex, so Serena and I would have the apartment all to ourselves... the sly old fox, I thought with fondness.

Sure enough, I knew the moment she walked in. Cathy's voice went up about three octaves as she greeted her friend. Colleen and Holly were next. A few minutes later she rounded the corner as I turned, wearing a greasy apron and holding a spatula. I think I could have been doused in pig slop and it wouldn't have made any difference. She ran up and threw her arms around my neck. Looking up at me with those deep brown eyes, she asked, "Miss me?" I wrapped my arms around her as our lips met.

"Jesus, you guys, you want me to leave the room?" Our lips were still pressed together as we started to laugh. We looked over at Jerry, who was standing there watching us.

That night, as promised, we had Stan's apartment all to ourselves. In fact, Stan started spending several nights a week at the house in Barrington Hills. During his convalescence, he and his ex both discovered how much they still loved each other. Of course, Serena and I made good use of the apartment whenever Stan was gone.

During the day, when I was working, Serena would sometimes drive home and go shopping with her mom or just visit with her folks, but we spent most nights together. When I was younger, I would have never even dared to dream of ever being so happy. It almost tore me apart when she had to go back to Ball State again. We talked on the phone almost every night and counted the days to Christmas break. This time, she'd have no boyfriend in tow.

Once again I had solicited Cathy's help with picking out Serena's gift, only this time it came with a small speech. When Serena started to unwrap the small package in front of her family, I scooted off the couch and took a knee. As she gasped at the three stone diamond and sapphire engagement ring, I professed my love and asked her to marry me. She very enthusiastically said yes.

She still had two more years of college, so we set the date for three weeks after graduation. That would give me time to save up for a two-week Hawaiian honeymoon.

As time went on, life just got better and better. Stan moved in with his ex full-time, so he gave the apartment to Serena and me as an early wedding present. He said we could live there rent free until we bought a home. The following summer flew by in a flash, and we were saying goodbye again before we knew it. Just one more year after this one, I kept telling myself, just one more year after this one.

With all the money I had sitting in the bank, I was more than willing to pay for our wedding, but Stan wouldn't hear of it. He told me I should use that money to put a down payment on a house and invest some of what was left. I thought about what he said. Of course, buying a house was something Serena and I had to do together but the idea of investing appealed to me.

I took some more courses on investing and gave a lot of thought to the stock market, but it was just too volatile, then opportunity knocked. I saw my former shoe-shine customer again. He was now a very loyal customer of Charlene's. From conversations I'd had with him in the past, I knew he was a banker, so I asked his advice about investing. He agreed the market was not for the faint of heart, then went on.