Why Did We Have to be Cousins Ch. 02

Just a note. There's no sex in this chapter. It's a transition period for Bill, who is still working through his feelings for his cousin.

It was June, and I had graduated and found a mechanical engineering position in Wausau, which was only a 30-minute drive away. The winters up here would make that drive longer and more hazardous, so I found a one-bedroom apartment with a carport that put me within 15 minutes of the office. Still, I would drive back home about once a month, just to be with my family. It was more like every weekend, during the summer months, until Ellen left for school.

Being the 'new guy' and directly out of school, with absolutely no experience, I was assigned a mentor. Mike was probably seven or eight years older than I was and had been with the company for about five years. We quickly became good friends.

Mike was into Triumph sports cars. He had a red TR4 with its distinctive 'bubble' on the hood and drove it all year round.

There were two bad things about driving it in the winter, especially in Northern Wisconsin. One was the soft top. In the middle of winter, you were lucky if the heater produced enough heat so that you couldn't see your breath. The second was that the car had very little undercoating. Given the amount of salt that was used on the roads, it was just a matter of time before the car suffered 'Cancer of the eyeballs and Cancer of the rear panels'. Meaning rust. But, that was a common ailment of a lot of the cars in the 70s. You just learned to live with it.

During a few lunches in the summer, he would invite me to join him for an hour's country road drive along country roads lined with towering pine trees. The first time we did that, I loved it and was hooked.

I was ready for a change in my vehicle as I was still driving a four-door Plymouth Fury. It was a practical car for getting my stuff to and from school, during my last year of school. Now, I wanted something that was just for fun.

It was the first week of July and I planned to visit my family for the 4^th of July weekend.

My dad rolled his eyes when I pulled up with the top down and parked my 1970 maroon TR6 in his driveway. I mean back in the 70s, there were only three car companies: GM, Chrysler, and Ford. Here was a British car with Union Jack decals on the rear panels. He did let up the next time I was out to visit as he had talked to some of his coworkers and they reassured him that the TR6 was a very reliable and well-made auto.

So, that's how Ellen and I spent the rest of the summer before she headed off to school for her final year. We would cruise the back roads with the top down. Ellen would always wear shorts that, when she was sitting in the bucket seat would ride up to the top of her thighs, revealing lots of smooth creamy-white legs. And then there were the halter tops. Most had a built-in bra but that didn't prevent an occasional down-blouse view of her creamy mounds. I'm not sure if she did that on purpose, or that she was just so casual and comfortable with us that it just happened. Still, the occasional view would cause a 'stir', and I kept reminding myself...'She's my cousin'.

I got a letter at the beginning of her last semester, announcing that she had turned in her "V" card. She got the same response from me that she had given me... "GOOD FOR YOU." I meant it. And she knew it.

I was tempted to play the same game with her that she did with me when I turned in my "V" card. The only thing I asked was, "Was it fun?".

The next letter from her only said, "It was fun."

I let it drop. Still, the vision of my cousin being made love to lingered in my mind. I don't know why, it just did. She later told me that it was a one-time thing and, 'no' it wasn't due to any effects of alcohol.

Ellen finished and graduated with a major in education. I was fortunate enough to be able to attend her graduation. I beamed with pride when I heard her full name being announced, and watch her proudly walk across the stage to receive her diploma.

The following weekend, there was a large graduation party with family and friends at her house. There was food galore and of course beer. After the party had wound down to the point where it was just her family and mine, I took her for a short walk out and out of the view of the families.

Opening the small jewelry box, her eyes welled up as she saw the heart-shaped pendant with the emerald birthstone resting in the center. Ellen wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed her full body into mine. I felt her tears through my shirt as my arms encircled her and held her closer than I think I ever had.

Pulling back, our eyes met. Then our lips met in our second-ever kiss. This kiss was not like the first one when she asked me to be the first guy to kiss her. This was a kiss of a deep and ever-lasting friendship as it went on... and on... and on. I had never experienced such an emotional moment in my life.

"Why did we have to be cousins?" her voice was soft.

With a final tender and emotionally filled kiss, she turned and walked back to the house. I stood there, realizing that we had just shared something immensely intimate that had been building for a long time.

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Athens was always in desperate need of teachers. It seemed like once everybody graduated from either high school or college they couldn't wait to move and have a more exciting and fulfilling lifestyle. With Ellen, she loved her family and couldn't see moving, even being half an hour away in a real city. So, she eagerly accepted a teaching position at the elementary school. She knew that she could have made more by teaching in a much larger school district, but that didn't matter to her. Athens is where she grew up, and Athens is where she wanted to stay. Although she did admit, that the choice of men was pretty limited. However, since she was still living at home, to try and save money, it didn't matter.

I never invited her over to my apartment for dinner, an afternoon getaway, or anything. No reason, I just never did. I think that any of those would have been something that the families would not have gone for. With a 30-minute drive each way, Ellen would have, most likely, spent the night on my couch, or we would have crossed a line that could never be taken back. I knew that we couldn't go there. But, her comment, 'Why did we have to be cousins?,' lingered.

I had tried the bar thing shortly after moving here, with the possibility of a casual hookup. It never happened. Single women in bars weren't looking for casual hookups. They were in search of a future mate. I wasn't even close to that. Even tried the watering hole that was popular with the singles from work. But then Mike gave me some advice to not get involved with co-workers, even if they worked in different departments. He had seen it before and most of the time, it wasn't pretty when it ended.

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The engineers I worked with were a pretty close-knit group. There was Roger, who was a couple of years older. He had come up to the engineering position by way of the design group, as a draftsman. By 'draftsman' I mean with a T-Square, triangles, pencil, and paper. And another guy, Gary, who was two years older. I was the only one on the staff with a Mechanical Engineering degree, besides the VP of Engineering.

It had become a daily lunch thing for four of us to go out to a bar for lunch and have whatever lunch special was up for the day, over a couple of beers, as we discussed the rumors floating around the company.

One lunch had the potential to change my path and future.

It was Thursday, and Richard, the VP of Engineering had joined us, which was unusual. He was a pretty cool guy with a beard, smoked a pipe, and was really good friends with two of the other engineers, Mike and Roger. He was also the only one in the company with a Professional Engineering License.

As we all settled in, he looked at me and Gary, who was the other engineer in our group.

"What I'm about to tell you, I need for you to keep it strictly confidential. Roger and Mike here already know but as a professional colleague, I think I owe you two some explanation."

He took a swig of his beer and Gary and I just looked at each other, confused.

"Tomorrow morning, I'm going to turn in my resignation. I'm going to take on a position, as VP of Engineering, with a competitor in Southern California. Since it will be a competitor, I'm pretty sure that tomorrow will be my last day with the company. I'm not sure what will be the immediate effect on the department, but I'm sure that Leon will be promoted to the VP slot."

Leon was my boss and who hired me. Nice guy. For my first job and supervisor, he seemed to be honest and fair.

"From there, I'm not sure who they will put in the Chief Mechanical Engineer position. I have my thoughts, but will keep those to myself."

Over the next few months, Roger, Mike, the sales manager, and an application engineer all left the company and joined Richard at our competitor.

It had become a pattern: resignations in the morning, followed by a desk cleaning by noon, then a gathering at the employee's favorite 'watering hole' with celebrations and final 'good luck' and best wishes.

The ones for Richard, Roger, and Mike were pretty tame with only a few outside the engineering department attending. The ones for the sales manager and the application engineer drew employees for the various other departments.

Instead of the usual ten to twelve sitting around various tables, the bar was packed with probably twenty to thirty employees. I guess that sales guys are more outgoing and just have the knack to attract and make everything around them like a huge party time.

Most of the sales guys never went back after lunch. They were pretty sloshed. I could see some 'hooking' up happening between the sales guys and some of the single women that were there. I thought about it. There were a couple of cute and lively ones that were interesting. It's not like I've had an active sex life since I left school, or any sex life for that matter, just something didn't feel right. Plus Mike's warning about getting involved with co-workers... even if it was just a one-time casual fuck.

Oh well.

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I had heard that the company I worked for was about to file a suit for "Pirating" employees. It never happened. It was just a threat.

Mike was their new 'Engineering Manager' and would call, every so often just to see how I was doing and any fallout from the rest of the company. It was nice. I missed the connection. I asked about Southern California, as I had never been there. What it was like. What it was like to live in a huge metropolis. It gave me opportunities to ask questions about tuning my car.

There were never any suggestions, or hints, of possible employment, until one afternoon, when I received a call from a 'Head Hunter'.

Without mentioning the company, he asked if I might be interested in a possible employment opportunity in the Southern California area. I knew immediately what was going on. It seemed that in order to skirt the 'Pirating' threat since all of the others had been contacted directly, they decided to go through a professional employment agency.

Sitting with my parents for dinner at their favorite fish-fry tavern the following Friday night, I filled them in on what was going on. That there were plans for me to fly out there the following Thursday and stay over the weekend to be interviewed and to check out the area. They listened, without interruption, until I was finished, and then... silence.

I could see the worried and almost pained expression on my mom's face. If this went through, it would be the hardest thing that I ever had to do. I loved my parents. I loved my family. And I knew that it was the last thing that they had ever envisioned... their son moving to the other side of the country.

It was my dad who spoke first.

"Well, it sounds like a great opportunity. You must be good at what you do. Are you seriously considering it?"

"I know the people out there. And Mike, my TR6 guru, would be my supervisor. They're a competitor so, it wouldn't be like learning something new. I don't know. It would definitely be a huge change. I mean just moving from here to Wausau was a big change, but I still had all of you here. I just don't know."

"Whatever you decide, we will be with you," my mom added, but I knew that those words were hard for her to say.

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I didn't wait until Friday to get back to my parents on the details of the trip, the interview, and my thoughts. I knew that they were anxiously awaiting, so I made a quick call the Sunday night that I returned and said that I would be out the next night for dinner and we could talk some more.

My mom had made one of my favorite dinners: crock-pot meatloaf, baked potato, frozen corn, and beer.

As we ate, they listened attentively as I described the trip, the so-called interview, Mike taking on a brief road trip in his TR6 to the local mountains, and then the final stop at a beach on the way to LAX that Sunday afternoon. The most amazing thing that struck me was that, even though we passed through many cities, they all seemed like one. There were never any separations between them. So crowded. Crime. Trying to picture the three and four-lane freeways during the week at a standstill. But, then winter in Southern California would consist of temperatures in the 50s... shirtsleeve weather.

"So, what are your thoughts?" my mom asked.

Pausing, as this was really the first opportunity to lay my thoughts out vocally.

"I don't know. I know that the job would be mine if I wanted it. But to give all of this up... the peacefulness, the open spaces, the sense of safety."

Then, looking at each of them, "You. My family. I'm afraid that if I do it, I won't be able to share my life with you. That, if the stars shine down on me, someday to have a family. They won't know their grandma and grandpa. They won't have the opportunity to be spoiled, just like they should be by their grandparents. To me, vacations back here aren't enough time. So, yes. That is a big part of my decision."

It was quiet except for the ticking of the clock in the next room. Then my mom addressed the elephant that was weighing on my mind.

"And Ellen?"

"Yeah. That too. If I do decide to do it, that will be a conversation that I would not be looking forward to."

Quiet.

It was my mom who spoke first, in her soft 'motherly' voice.

"Kids leave the nest all the time. It's part of life. It's part of growing up. Some leave the nest and are close by. Some are a bit farther, and yes, some are quite a distance. Your dad has a few years before his retirement. I know that he's not a fan of the winters. You never know. It's nothing we've talked about because there was really never a need to talk about it but, we might look for someplace to spend the winter months... maybe more. So, don't let that be the reason for not accepting the position. We'll miss you and all of that but, then you were away at school for all of those months. We'll be OK.

"As far as Ellen. You're right. That's not going to be easy. You two have been close for a long time and have gotten closer over the years. We both think that she wishes that you two weren't cousins... she thinks that much of you. And I... we, both commend each of you for being responsible and understanding of your situation. I know for a fact, that there are other families around here, where that hasn't been the case. And it had torn the two families apart."

I was kind of taken aback, as I stared at my mom. I can't say 'never' but, the possibility of acting on those urges just was something I always put out of my mind.

In the end, I decided to accept. We all agreed to keep it between us until I had a chance to talk to Ellen. I just didn't know where or how. I knew that there would be tears... lots of tears. So, breaking the news to her in a restaurant, over dinner was out of the question. Having dinner someplace and then finding a deserted country road to park and break the news seemed kind of insensitive. She was still living at home, so that was out. I couldn't see having dinner at my apartment, as I knew that emotions would be high and things could easily get out of control and cross the line.

Sensing my dilemma, "If you want to invite Ellen over here for dinner for just the two of you, your dad and I can have an evening out. Give you two some alone time."

It was the middle of autumn. The weekend was predicted to be sunny and warm, perfect to grill some steaks, which I knew Ellen really liked.

As I was getting things ready, Ellen asked me a couple of times, "Are you OK? You seem to have something on your mind."

She knew me so well.

We had always been up-front and honest with each other. I guess my anxiousness was showing through as I just replied that I was 'fine'.

My dad had hung a bench swing from one of the large maple tree limbs in the front yard. So after a quiet meal and cleanup, we found ourselves sitting there with my arm around her shoulder. It was not unusual for me to have my arm around her... still, she could sense that something was 'off'.

Taking a deep breath, "Ellen, I've got to tell you something."

She turned to look at me, "Bill, whatever it is, it will be fine."

Then with a smile, "Have you met someone? Because if you have, then I'm really happy for you and I can't wait to meet the lucky girl."

Lightly stroking her face, "I wish it were that simple."

Her expression changed in an instant.

The more I laid out what was happening, the more Ellen hugged me as I held her tighter. My shirt was becoming drenched in her tears. Her strawberry-blonde hair was being matted from my tears. All I could hear were the sounds of the birds, the rustling of the leaves, and her gentle sobs. It broke my heart.

Was it worth it? To leave the one in my life who I loved, even though that word had never been shared. But, just because it had never been spoken, didn't mean that it wasn't there.

Neither of us had dated since her graduation. I don't know why. Well, that's not entirely true. I think that each of us felt that there was nobody out there that measured up to what we had, even though we knew that we couldn't do anything about it.

And then in a voice that was almost a whisper.

"When? When are you leaving?"

"I'll be turning in my resignation this coming Friday morning. I suspect that by noon I'll be unemployed. My mom is planning on a send-off picnic on Saturday. I'm sure that they're over at your house right now filling in your mom and dad on what's going on. It's about a three-and-a-half-day drive, so probably the following Tuesday. I'll be back over Christmas and the New Year. I know it's not much."

Quiet except for the birds and trees.

"Bill, will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

'Well, almost Anything' I said to myself

"Well, my first promise was going to be something that I know we can't keep."

I had an idea of what she wanted me to promise, so I kept quiet.

"Instead, promise me that you'll write to me. Tell me everything that is going on in your life and I promise that I will do the same. Promise me that you will always remember that you were my first kiss. Promise me that you will never forget what we have, right here and now... the love we have for each other."

Ellen's voice cracked. I swallowed hard and held her in a suffocating embrace, as we both wept.

Minutes later as we each found our breath.

"I know that we've never said it to each other, but we each know that it's there. Because Bill... I love you... I love you more than I could ever imagine. And, I will always love you, no matter how far away you are."