All Comments on 'Why Just Her?'

Bailed out as soon as I saw the Marxist political shit .

⭐

Choppy, redundant, characters randomly shuffled in and out, couldn't hold readers interest. Skimmed the last part to get it over with. 1 *

Poorly written. There are so many errors in this train wreck that one just has to laugh. While I realize this is not a professional writing site one would expect the stories to have had some proof reading done. And these characters were such cardboard cutouts that any chance the story had of being entertaining was lost in the weeds. Not good.

1 star

It seems that a lot of "authors" have entered into an uponemanship competition of imagining the stupidest possible BTB plots... Pathetic!

not bad...but not too great either,!

Over the top works if the story is well written, but this one was not. Too many short, choppy paragraphs beginning with “I.” The characters were cardboard.

um, was this suppose to be a BTB spoof?

This read like a PI report. No emotions from the main character and little about the story to get excited about.

Pitiful grammar. One example: "I saw Charly's friend call someone while looking at him." While looking at ME.

\

Disjointed, too much narration, too much meaningless detail about a business the author doesn't seem to know anything about.

Long run-on sentences make this sometimes difficult to read and follow your train of thought. There's a lot of unnecessary tech detail which doesn't add to the story. And the whole premise of a girlfriend beginning her relationship with you just to get you to finance her town, then entire town of deviants out to get you is just paranoid.

next time leave the politics out of the story - it was a cheap shot that didn't add a thing to the story. a new story line might be nice as well

Leaving religion and politics out of the mix would be appreciated.

Please stop.

Really poorly written, in desperate need of an editor.

Good read. A good editor would have turned this into a 5*

Reconsider. You are a long way from competence and ability. Is English even your native language? Yeah, the writing is that bad. I would wish you luck with future efforts, but that would be disingenuous. Maybe its just not meant to be.

Thanks for the effort.

Liked the premise, but that was a tough read.

You had so much going on with little detail on any of it. it took me 3/4's through to realize the Dad and Uncle were not only assholes, but why. You merely skimmed a story line.

Poorly written. Stupid plot. Lousy ending.

2**

Extremely flat. Like it was written by a robot. Never really like stories that have no dialogue.

What a despicable, degenerate family.

Good riddance of the wife by MC.

/

The piece was ok. Not very good though.

The drama wasn't as dramatic as it should be.

Kinda bland. Still thanks author for your effort.

Poor excuse for a story. The “author” is just a sick, twisted left wing atheist trying to justify a miserable life.

Save your political ravings, right and left wing, for Facebook.

This is a disastor film script, right? It certainly is not a story! Granted ONE (1) singular star, because, alas, less cannot be granted!

Leave out the politics and strongly held personal religious beliefs, the news provides enough joy stealing moments as it is. Most readers do so for some moment of escape, adding opinion about these topics stains the story and adds nothing of benefit!

Five stars for premise and intent - BTB

One star for stilted, wooden dialogue and narrative.

Score - 1

Could have been a good story, with more story there. There were just a few hints of a story here, with no meat on the bones. Where did the minister and his story come from. With her incestuous relationship with pap and uncle, all her other lovers, and minister, why get married? Just doesn’t work for me. To all those commentators who say anyone can write a BTB, read this one.

There is the shell of a good plot in there somewhere. You need to get an editor and take some creative writing classes or something to improve the flow and content of your narrative. Don't give up, just decide to get serious and then move forward. 3*

A 3 as it had potential but was pretty weak. The MC despite knowing it was a bad idea with the signs so obvious Stevie Wonder could them marries her and immediately regrets it, a town that relies on him is happy to screw him over, and went real hard into the dirty small town trope that works sometimes but not in this case. I think I would have rated it higher if the MC had less obvious signs going in to the marriage, if she had hid her inner slut until after the marriage and her family hadn't been so cartoonishly terrible from the moment they were introduced.

Apart from all of the contrived, ridiculous nonsense in the story, this is representative of the author's bigotry:

"There's lots of stories about how close these southern towns are."

Actually, southern towns tend to be more civilized than those in the north, although the influx of northern refugees seeking to escape the woketards will eventually change that. BTW, I was born in the north and have lived most of my life in the north, but I have enough experience with the south to know the general difference between the two regions (Oh, the race relations tend to be better in the south, too.)

Needed more research. The vast majority of the USA is employment at will, meaning that (with very limited exceptions) an employer or employee can terminate employment without any notice being required.

Anon, the author is from Scotland and, yes, the vast majority of people there speak English, though a few do still Scots Gaelic.

Why don't you come on down South and we'll feed you to the gators. We won't be out much as you sure as shit aren't much of a writer.

1 star - no comment

Eleven people, so far, added this mess to their favorite stories list. Wow. Free site or no, mistakes and the appearance of consideration for readers matter. This rates one star from me and that is generous.

___Anon8675309

Lost me when you denied God's existence

You need an editor -- lots of flaws. Also, try to leave national politics out of it -- no matter which way you lean, it detracts from the story for about 50% of the audience unless it's absolutely germane to the story.

This is more like an outline to a story, than an actual story. It's all summary. Where are the scenes, the drama, the emotion, the full-fledged characters?

It really was a mess, and our hero was stupid.

The story was almost too smart for this poor dumb southern boy. It must have been written by one of them super smart people from silicon valley.

Yeah

Fuck you anonymous. All I saw here was excellent revenge and retribution. Anyone who doesn't like it is basically a cuck in waiting. Please continue writing these great tales.

Five Stars

Ended up coming up short.

But for the anon below, sorry Jeb, those southern towns are very close, as most brothers and sisters are creating babies and keeping the narrow minded, backwards thinking of the 1860's still alive and kicking. And the real issue is the low IQ'ed incestfest south'n folks coming north and infecting decent people.

Only thing worse than dialogue was plot

That’s 15 minutes of my life I’ll never get back. Absolutely moronic.

not bad, not bad at all

Your main character has no name? Absolutely weird, so I will call him Steven after the Alice Cooper song. If my "inner voice" talked to me as much as you say his did, they would put me in a padded room. The lack of dialog is always a negative and I agree with others the story is a tad ridiculous. PS. The Pastor, The Uncle, The Father -in-law didn't have names either but the skanky hotel proprietor gets one?

I must be dreaming, please stop screaming

Steven... Is someone calling me? No...

Steven...

I think I hear a voice--- it's outside the door!

Steven!

I hear my name!

Steven!

Is someone calling me? I hear my name!

Steven!

What do you want?

Steven!

What do you want?

What do you want?

What do you want?

~ Alice Cooper

There’s a good story here if you removed the six helpings of stupid.

i guess this is the btb story you get when a cuck writes it. :0/ I'm not calling the writer a cuck, I'm just saying that's what this story felt like.

I felt generous and gave 2 stars instead of the deserved 1.

I upped rating to 2 stars with Stump i mean trump comment and the hit he put on town leaders

If I wanted your political or religious views then I would have gone to your facebook site!

On a scale of 1 to 10 your story sucked and since there is no star rating for "sucked" I chose not to give any stars.

Aren't I a nice guy?

A fool says there's no God.

Not very well written. There are so many flaws I don't know where to start.

Enjoyable story but you made him seem like an idiot, he had all the clue BEFORE he was married. I liked the story but please make the protagonist not so stupid.

I like the story, but it seemed a little off! AAAA+++

wtf I told her, I couldn't live like that, wondering if she would be screwing someone behind my back. I was walking away from someone I thought I loved; someone I had wanted to live my life with but cheating was not in my nature nor hopefully in the one who I wanted to be with.

To cut the story, my lust won out and before long I had set up in her town and we were married, just eighteen months before the shit hit the fan. what was that? stopped reading after that

This story, as is, is unimaginative and full of logic holes. Also, it is really more a modestly detailed outline vs a short story.

**********

Title and story didn’t seem to mesh. The tie in between the two?

Seemed much more a very rough outline / plot, with a few details filled in here and there. It’s not even a good 750 word type of flash story, as it’s not written tightly enough not to have a bunch of “hunh???”, “that makes no sense!” or “WTF???” moments.

Plot is far too well used by others, so would need the excluded details to differentiate the story from the other 700 very similar LW stories here just on Literotica, let alone SOL or other older sites like .assm, AOL, or BB sites.

He goes from several detailed “I have a bad feeling about this” moments to “will you marry me” in a sentence or three. If you’re going to detail several warning / hesitation moments, you should probably put in at least mildly detailed reasons for ignoring those moments besides “my lust won out”. That would be acceptable in a true 750 word Flash story, where you’ve really have to compress things, but this seems to be trying to be a little more than that.

English vs Scot ignorance mentioned. So outside UK. Has Senator. At least 1200mi across. Most large English speaking countries have senators, so could be Australia, Canada, Ireland, New Zealand or U.S. But reference made to “how close these Southern towns were”, so probably the U.S.

Small town, well connected corrupt family; why would you trust the “local police” to do a proper investigation? You might not even be able to trust State level police agency.

Why would an old phone be more difficult to hack into than a new phone with proper encryption apps? New digital signaling, unless you are a alphabet agency, is much more difficult to hack than an old digital phone. Or do you mean a “clean” phone? One never touched by Charly’s friends, relatives or acquaintances? Then say that, not “old phone”, i.e. a new phone, or burner phone.

If you’re saying an old analog cell phone, most cell systems won’t even have analog service anymore, so is of no use. And one of the reasons people went digital was that analog cell service was so easy to hack. Unless you’re saying the people who would be attempting to hack his phone weren’t sophisticated, so didn’t know how to hack analog signal as all they had were newer digital hacking apps (try and find old equipment and software to access old analog phones, so an “expert” was needed to access that. Kinda like finding a young car mechanic who’s a whiz with computerized cars, then handing them a 2-barrel carburetor and ask them to rebuild it. Maybe never even touched one before).

This story, as is, is unimaginative and full of logic holes, and is really more a modestly detailed outline vs a short story. Not up to standard by this author. Sorry, but it garners only 2-stars

Oh dear, what a disappointment - poor story, and MC was too gullible for words 'inner self', you mean common sense, unbelievable

Soooo many guys, made the mistake of getting married, because their dick said yes. In retrospect, when they finally get taken to the cleaners in a divorce, they now realize all the signs were there, that she was a Narcissistic, nasty bitch that never had his back. Prostitution needs to be legalized. It would be cheaper, in the long run!

5 stars

Really liked the plot but the writing style needs a lot of work.

Problem

1. To gullible...just not something tge reader could wink at.

2.A very smart guy who KNEW the trouble he was walking into a did it anyway. Really? Again to far a stretch.

One last point. Right Wing/Trump?

Your LEFT,wing party has nearly destroyed the country in just two years. Today, 5/522, I paid $158 for 30 gal diesel. Two years ago the same cost me $89. My food cost, everyones really has gone 26%. Meat 43% 2 apples $1.98.

So, please keep your political ideology somewhere other than your wrinting.

Thst said, not a bad yarn but, as one commentor said below, needs some clean up.

Story was to cut and dry, choppy. I realize it was a "short" story, but spend a little time and put some descriptive filler in. Characters were flat, very little in character development. MC was to be believed as a person who out of college in a relatively short period had a company that employed 100 people, yet he was dumb as a tack. How many red flags did he ignore? Overall, the story had way too many flaws, seemed thrown together and was average at best (for literotica).

I like most of what I've read by NylonDreams, this one was not to my likeing.

not a good story,even your writing was less than standard. May have been a good story if time and care was taken when laying it out and then put on paper.

Could have saved all that bullshit by dumping the bitch at the start,if he had a quarter of a brain he would have. Load of bollocks

Some find it incredible that a recent graduate in IT can have a company with over 100 employees in no time. The history of IT shows that this is credible. Some didn't even complete an IT degree before reaching that status.

Best known examples are Bill Gates of MicroSoft and Steve Jobs of Apple. There's plenty of other examples.

Too hard to follow even though a simple tale. I gently gave it 3 stars.

Bill S.

This came across like a stream of unconsciousness. I felt like I was being bounced around by a mental pachinko machine.

Too hard to follow and little reason to try.

Very hard to read. English grammar problems, misused words, missing words, just kind of screwed up in general. And not a very good story, just silly how everything goes right for the guy at the end and he has all the resources in the world and so on. Not to mention being just another rip off of the same old storyline. Find something else better worth your time maybe....

Didn't like the demonizing of anyone who wasn't liberal the left is the party that lies at drop of hat not all there are a lot of good people in the democratic party but its bad to be either far left or far right the left do not believe in god want gov to take his place and want to spend like drunk sailors on shore leave and the far right want to cut everything no matter the harm and think if you haven't lost both arms and legs nothingis wrong