Wildfire

Hank woke up to find his phone indicating ten missed calls and a similar number of voicemail messages. He did not recognize the area code. After several run-ins with Chinese robo-marketing spam calls, he had set his phone to kick unknown numbers to voicemail. Usually, Beijing Betty did not leave a message.

His daughters were not yet up, so he began to listen to the messages. It was then that he learned that his wife, Randi, was not in Jacksonville, Florida, visiting her parents and sister for the weekend like she told him she would be. Instead, she was in the burn unit of a hospital in Boulder, Colorado.

Hank paused for a moment. His phone gave him push notices of news. It was usually a nuisance, but taking the time to turn off that feature had never seemed worth it. Something about fires stuck in his mind. He realized he had seen a news headline with the words "fire" and "Boulder" as his phone screen came to life that morning. He got onto the phone home page and saw the news wire headline: "Freak Wildfire Consumes Suburban Boulder Subdivision Overnight."

Interesting.

Hank would be the first to admit that sometimes he was not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he really could think of only one reason that his wife of seven years would lie about where she was going to spend a weekend.

He slowed himself down on purpose. No point rushing into anything. He made coffee. The girls would not be up for at least an hour yet. He took the coffee over to his wife's work nook in the dining room. He found her laptop. He opened it to find that it was now password protected with a password that he did not know. But Randi was absent-minded and lazy, so he searched for a password written on some scrap of paper, and found it buried at the bottom of the drawer of the little desk.

After getting access, he found that she had not even closed her e-mail browsers. She had just snoozed her computer, relying on her new password and apparently on her confidence that Hank would not invade her privacy. All assumptions existing in this family before this morning are no longer operative, Hank thought.

There it was. Flipping obvious. She was hooking up with her old college boyfriend, Josh Turner, at his Boulder home on a weekend when Josh's wife would be away. This was the guy that broke Randi's heart by falling in love with the woman who became his wife, but it seems like he developed buyer's remorse over the years. There was not a lot of detail in the e-mails, mostly just confirmations of arrival times. Hank assumed that they poured their hearts out to each other over the phone.

One interesting factoid popped out. Her parents and sister knew and had agreed to cover for her. That was not in the e-mails but in the Facebook Messenger chats that were also still open. They all thought that she should have married Josh, whose family had money.

Hank was just numb, like he was watching a slow-motion car wreck happen and could not look away. He took the time to breathe deeply. If he didn't, his fricking Apple Watch told him that it was Mindfulness time anyway. He really had to figure out how to turn that feature off. But, Hank knew, if he did not breathe deeply and calm down, he was liable to punch holes in the sheetrock walls of the house.

He called the hospital in Boulder. When the switchboard answered, on a hunch, he asked if a Josh Turner was a patient. When they asked Hank to identify his relationship with Mr. Turner, he said he was a friend. The operator then said that she could not provide any information. That sort of answer sure made it sound like they had a patient named Josh Turner.

Hank then called the number left on his voicemails. It was the direct line to the hospital admissions office.

After he identified himself, a clerk there told him that Randi was brought in with third-degree burns over 80% of her body, including damage to her lungs from smoke inhalation. The fire, it seems, had flared up suddenly in the drought-stricken area, spread rapidly with high winds, and cut off the only line of escape from the development. Over 100 homes had been destroyed.

"Sorry," Hank said. "It can't be my wife. She's in Jacksonville, Florida. You must have incorrect information."

He hung up. He knew that it was her in Boulder now. He could feel it, but he was not going to make this easy on anyone.

He looked at his wife's computer again and found Josh's Facebook page. Randi had actually made him one of her friends. It was then easy to see who Josh's friends and family were, and he discovered Josh's wife. She had made a public post from her own family's home in San Diego, asking for prayers because she had just learned that her husband was hospitalized with severe burns in Boulder. Time to get those prayers answered by a god of vengeance, Hank thought, as he contacted Josh's wife on Facebook Messenger to identify himself and share what he had figured out, leaving his phone number.

A short while later, as he finished his coffee, he saw another notice light on the phone icon, indicating a missed call. He did not recognize the number, but there was a voicemail. It was from Josh's wife, Tina. Hank called her back.

"Ms. Turner? Your first name is really Tina?" he had to ask.

"Yes," she said with a sigh. "I knew what would happen with the name going into the marriage. I did it for love. It's just an ice-breaker now. You must be Randi's husband."

"Yes."

"I knew about her, of course, when Josh and I got together. He's been acting funny lately, but I never knew why. Now it is all making sense. Is that your story, too?"

"Kind of. I knew about Josh. But Randi was not acting funny that I noticed."

"You're taking it calmly, Hank. How are you doing that?"

"My damned phone keeps telling me it is Mindfulness time and to take deep breaths. I don't even want to look at what it thinks about my heart rate."

Tina chuckled.

"You sound calm, too."

"I'm taking pills," Tina said. "I don't know what they are. My sister had some. Josh is badly burned. They've already got him in a medically-induced coma. He is probably not going to make it. I lost it when I heard that. Now,... Now, I am just in shock, especially now that I know the truth about what really happened. What's your wife's story?"

"Badly burned. I don't know more. I told them it could not possibly be her because my wife is in Florida."

Tina chuckled again.

"Oh!" she said. "The hospital is calling again. Let me get this, and let's keep in touch!"

She hung up, and Hank saved her number in contacts so that spam-blocker would not kick it to voicemail.

A new call came in. This one was from Randi's father, Bob. Bob must have seen the news and gotten worried.

"Yes?"

"Hank?"

"Yes?"

There was a pause. Bob had never liked Hank. And Hank had disliked Bob right back when it was clear where he stood with the man. But they had always maintained a veneer of polite interaction. Bob noticed that was missing.

"Hank, have you heard from Randi?"

Hank paused. That question must have cost Bob blood, morally speaking.

"Why would I hear from her without you knowing? She's up in her old room, isn't she? Spending time with you, that shrew of a wife of yours, and your other twat daughter."

Bob now knew that Hank knew. He sighed.

"Hank, she does love you. I know we've never gotten along..."

"Bob," Hank cut in, his voice rising in volume, "That is a load of bullshit. And before you keep talking and annoy me more, the deal is that you always disliked me. I guess you never thought I was worthy of your daughter but that Josh was. Your wife and other daughter have both been smarmy cunts around me, too. I've put up with it to keep the peace, but that's over now. And I want to be clear. If you were standing in front of me right now, I would punch you in the mouth over and over again until you spit out blood-soaked teeth. And then I would piss down your throat. After that, I would beat both women with a tire iron, just for fun. So, fuck you to death, you and your lying, fucking family, you miserable fucking fucks!!"

Hank hung up. There really was no more to say. To save time though, he blocked Bob's phone numbers and those of his mother-in-law and sister-in-law.

"Daddy, why are you yelling?" his daughter, Nicole, asked him, walking into the kitchen. Her younger sister, Rebecca, followed her.

"Daddy said a bad word!" Rebecca announced.

"He did?" Nicole asked. "Say it again, Daddy! I didn't hear it."

Hank had to smile.

"What was the bad word, Becky?"

She frowned.

"I can't remember."

"I think you must have heard wrong. Now let's get breakfast."

Today would be a pancakes day.

Three pancakes each and some orange juice later, both girls were watching cartoons. It was Saturday morning, after all. They liked Bubble Guppies. Hank hoped those were gateway cartoons to something more substantive like Pinky and the Brain or Phineas and Ferb.

The phone rang again. It was Tina Turner.

"The pills aren't working."

"What?"

"The pills that I told you that I was taking to calm me down? The ones that my sister gave me? Well, they aren't working."

"Why do you say that, Miss Tina Turner?"

"The hospital put me through to where they have Josh in intensive care. The nurse put me on speaker. She thought that it might help for Josh to hear my voice, even though they have him in a coma."

"What happened?"

"I lost my temper. I yelled that his girlfriend is also badly burned and is probably going to die and that it's his fault and that, after you and I both get our life insurance payments, we're going on a round-the-world cruise and spend the whole time fucking each other into a stupor for payback. He almost went into cardiac arrest after he heard me."

"Even though he's in a coma?"

"Yeah. Hard to say if my yelling caused it or that was just a coincidence. He pulled through though."

"Sorry."

She paused.

"Sorry for what? Are you sorry that he nearly went into cardiac arrest or sorry that he's still alive?"

All Hank's instincts were leaning to cruelty, but he controlled himself.

"Just sorry for all of this."

"Me, too."

After a moment, he asked her, "Tell me about this cruise we're taking."

"Sorry. I don't know where that came from."

"I'm interested though."

"I bet you are."

She paused.

"Are you really interested, Hank?"

He answered, "I saw on Facebook that you have a pretty face, but I didn't take the time to cyber-stalk you properly. If I had to spend time revenge-fucking with anyone, you'd be a pretty good choice. Why do you ask? Do I have a shot?"

"I don't know," she replied slowly.

"It's just that I have spent the time since I realized he was cheating wondering what was wrong with me. Knowing that you're interested makes me feel a bit better. You're not so bad looking yourself, for what it's worth."

Hank snorted.

"Thanks. It's nice to hear that, even if my wife obviously preferred your husband."

"Maybe the problem is not us."

"Sounds like that could be right."

Tina Turner paused again.

"Have you wondered at all why they did it?"

"I suppose it's because they thought that they could have sex with people they weren't married to and get away with it."

"That makes it sound so simple."

"What more is there?"

With an air of finality, Tina said, "Look. We've both got a lot to digest, but let's keep in touch. We're the only two people who understand what the other one feels like right now."

"OK. Fine. I've got to go buy some Bermuda shorts on Amazon for the cruise. And a Speedo bathing suit because, if you've got it, flaunt it."

She giggled.

"At least you're making me feel better. Maybe the pills are working."

"Get a cabin with a balcony!"

She giggled again.

"Bye!"

They hung up. Hank saw he had another voicemail. It was the hospital again. He called back and got connected to a nurse in Randi's room. This one also put the call on speaker. This must be a different nurse than the one taking care of Josh, but they all seemed to be working from the same set of instructions. He wondered it that was normal in the industry.

"Mr. Henry Becker?"

"Yes."

"I'm Nurse Young. We're on speaker right now. I'm in the hospital's intensive care burn unit. Your wife is here. She's badly burned and she's in a medically-induced coma. She's right next to me. We were hoping that the sound of your voice might help, even if she's not conscious."

Hank could not help but think that the hospital was going to have to update its family outreach standard operating procedures after today. But he had to ask.

"Why do you think that?"

"I wasn't there when they brought her in. One of my girlfriends was. She said your wife had a death grip on her arm and would not let go until she understood her message, which was 'Call husband. So sorry.' She fought with the team with every last ounce of strength that she had and would not let them do anything until they assured her they would pass the message."

OK. Way too little and way too late, Hank thought.

"What should I say?"

"Tell her whatever's in your heart," the nurse said naïvely.

OK, Hank thought. Game on!

"Listen, you miserable cheating skank-ass slut!" he yelled over the phone at his wife. "I hope you die in pain and spend eternity in Hell with Josh, who is also going to die. Just so you know, I'm going to spend all the life insurance money I get when you're gone to seduce Josh's wife! AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!!"

The line went dead. The nurse must not have been paying attention when he started but seemed to have recovered.

Hank realized that, at this rate, he was not going to meet his Mindfulness goals. One day, he would probably feel some guilt about saying all that, but today was not that day.

"Daddy, what does 'seduce' mean?" Becky asked as she held her teddy bear.

Little pitchers...

"Oh, it means to lead someone astray."

She considered that with a serious face.

"When's mommy coming home?"

This was what made him really angry. Having to tell his daughters what was happening. He'd have to think about that carefully, but he was not in the mood.

"As soon as she can, Becks," he told her.

Becky went back to the living room. Hank watched her plunk down in front of the television. There was no way in hell that he was taking the girls to Colorado to go to a hospital to see their mother wrapped up in bandages like a mummy. He would rather deal with their difficulty of understanding than a memory like that. That decided him.

Thirty minutes later, and he had tickets for one week at Disney World, a reservation for one of Mickey's on-site hotels, and plane tickets. They were leaving the next morning. Nicole would have to miss a bit of kindergarten, but that was just going to be the way it went.

As soon as he got the tickets, the hospital called back. Turned out that Randi had a heart attack and died, all efforts to save her futile. Hank asked the time. It was just about the time he yelled at her. Maybe he would suggest to Tina that she try yelling more at Josh and seeing if she had better luck pushing him over the edge. Maybe she just had to be more passionate about it. Nah. Let her figure it out.

Hank finally had to send Randi's health insurance information to the hospital to get them to provide him with the documents on the death. He called a local mortician and arranged to have her cremated. With her burns, Hank thought he should be able to get a discount, but they told him that they were still going to charge him the full price. He asked them to FedEx him the ashes after they got back from Disney.

Once there, the girls were sad that Mom was not with them, but plied with sufficient sugar, and princess makeovers at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, they soldiered through.

Josh hung on until Thursday. Tina had not yelled at him again, so maybe that helped him linger. Tina was now back in Colorado, staying with friends because her house was gone. She was being every bit the noble widow for the sake of her kids, she told Hank. She had not told them about Randi.

Tina's kids were older than Hank's though. And they knew that their father was injured in the fire, so it all would have been harder to ignore. Hank's kids had no clue. He would keep it that way for a while. Not saying anything nasty to them about their mother was going to be a challenge.

Shortly after they got back from Florida, a FedEx guy came to the door with two items requiring signature. The first was a letter from his in-laws. The second was a box with Randi's ashes. The letter asked for Randi's remains for them to organize a memorial service and burial back in Randi's hometown in Florida, if Hank did not want to organize something where he lived. They must have been calling around, he realized. Missing from the letter was any kind of apology for covering for Randi. That fact made the next decision easy.

He got one of the neighborhood teens to babysit and left the girls giving the babysitter a full rundown on the Disney trip, complete with showing all their swag and the pictures on the iPad. Hank then drove to a nearby national park. With the box of Randi's ashes packed in a bag slung over his shoulder, Hank hiked to one of the rustic sections of the park. It had deep, cinder-block latrines instead of bathrooms. He filmed himself dumping the ashes in the latrine. As demanded by fate, he coincidentally had to urinate, too. Hiking back to the car, he considered whether some therapy might be wise, but the thing was that he was no longer angry. Well, not angry enough to hit anyone. Destroying reputations was another thing. He still posted the video on Facebook of him dumping the ashes in the latrine along with an explanation. Afterwards, he wondered if the National Park Service was going to give him some kind of a ticket for soiling the cesspool. If so, he would gladly pay.

He never contacted his in-laws but saw in the paper that they had some kind of celebration of life service in Jacksonville without him or his daughters. He told the girls that mommy had an accident while she was away and would not be coming back. They took it like he expected. Fortunately, their day-care and kindergarten teachers were wonderful and helped support them.

The life insurance payment was nice. Randi had more insurance than Hank thought. The insurance payouts made it easier to re-arrange his work life. He decided that what his daughters needed was lots of fresh air, especially at playgrounds that had lots of kids. And pretty, young mothers, many of whom were very sympathetic to his tragic story, when he led them into dragging it out of him. He left out the bit about Randi cheating. He wanted to appear sympathetic, not pathetic. His kids started getting invited to lots of play dates to which the mommies had invited their pretty single friends. Hank began to see a way forward.

Hank never got together with Tina Turner, although they did chat on the phone every now and again.