William is Dead

"It can't be that simple."

"But it is. You saw it yourself. Luc Moreau was the first. He told the other humans what experiences we gave him and they were happy and willing to accept his words. There have been many others who have willingly gone along with what we tell them. It does not take long for the mindlessness to settle in. They go along with the proceedings because they are far more willing to accept our lies and we never witness any suspicion from them. You, on the other hand, have never stopped being suspicious. It is still unknown why this happens."

"So, you're just studying me?"

He felt like a lab rat.

No, he felt worse.

Lab rats didn't know they were lab rats. He had his full sentience on display, and he was still nothing but an inferior life form to Y. He had no idea what to feel. There was no anger. There wasn't even any sadness. He had been delivered a calm, full summation of his existence in this new world and he was resigned to it. Every time he even thought of resisting the idea, he was reminded of the absolute power Y and its species had.

He felt as though he was drifting as he sat down on the floor and hugged his legs. There was nothing he could do; that was the crux of it. He felt as powerless as he had done in life and the weight of it was threatening to crush him.

"Not studying. Simply observing you, William Dormin," said Y.

"So that's why you allowed me to see the Ritual."

"Yes."

"What about Emily?"

"She is no longer a concern."

"What do you mean?" Will almost got up in alarm.

"There is no need to worry. She is still here. We have taken her memories of the Ritual."

"What?"

"She will no longer remember the Ritual."

The idea was so appealing to him. Yes, it was a violation of her psyche but the thought of forgetting what he had seen drew him like a moth to the flame. He could still hear the scream fading into the Converter.

"Can you make me forget?"

"No."

He looked up in surprise. "What do you mean?"

Y said nothing. Instead, it grew.

Will watched with trepidation as it grew to ten feet tall and was suddenly imposing and regal in stature. The auras behind it grew ever larger, until they filled the room. Everything behind the auras looked distorted to Will.

He looked on in astonishment, taking in the sight of Y's true form, the Leader itself.

"We have all been watching, William Dormin," said Y. "Especially through these eyes." It gestured to its face. "The Source took us into its embrace, and we became its eyes, too. All of us are one, with one thought, and one voice. It will not let you forget, so we will obey it. We will keep observing, until you have finally decided to fade into nothingness, like the rest of the dead."

It made it sound like he had a choice.

Will quietly asked, "I can go whenever I want?"

"Yes."

"But... you said I resist the changes. I can't change myself the way the others did. Wouldn't it be impossible for me to leave, then?"

"Anyone can leave any time. Our gift to your kind is to help you shed the pain of your lives. And who better to shed the pain of his life, than you? You may not be able to change as much as they have done so, but you can leave this behind, too."

"So, I can't have the same peace as them."

"You have more peace than you did before, don't you?"

"... Yes."

He had too many thoughts rushing; it was like trying to stop a river.

Ultimately, the only thought that proved itself prominent was the thought of a second death. Stay here and know that his fellow humans were going to be shredded out of existence or offer himself up for the threshing floor.

And what about Emily?

He may have shed some of his pain but most of the light in his existence was there because of her. The connection he felt to her. The protectiveness that reared up at the thought of her going anywhere near the Converter. None of it mattered; he was powerless.

"Hell of a gift," murmured Will.

Y, which was no longer Y in Will's head because the facial shapes had changed to the Leader's, simply tilted its head. "You lived once, William Dormin. You chose not to."

"I know. I know that. I regret that."

"Do you?"

"I... I think so. I don't know. I had... I wasn't thinking straight. What was I supposed to do? I was in pain and all I could think about was ending it. And now I'm here. It's been easier, even with remembering what I did. And it's been easier because of who I've been with."

Will sighed and closed his eyes, grimacing as he stopped his tears from spilling.

"I don't want to lose her," he said calmly. "I don't feel so alone anymore."

Y said nothing, for which Will was grateful.

"I'm going to go find Emily," said Will, standing up and turning away from Y. "I'm done with this conversation. I'm done with you."

As he walked back, he thought about the sheer irony of it all. Only in death did he feel he had found a reason for living. He understood it was not necessarily healthy to live for someone else, but he no longer cared. Maybe he was latching onto her as a reason when he shouldn't have been, or perhaps it was an act of desperation borne from his unique perspective on this world.

He stopped and thought about it. No. The only thing that pulled at him was that he felt connected to her. All that mattered now was Emily.

---xxx---

Embrace

He sought her out as quickly as possible. Her mouth stretched into a brilliant smile when she saw him, and when she hugged him, his heart burst with warmth. He had to stop himself crying from the sheer intensity of her presence.

"Will, where have you been? I looked for you."

He looked her right in the eyes and stayed silent for a few moments, searching for the truth of Y's words.

"Will? You okay?"

He nodded. "You?"

"I'm good. Were you being Questioned?"

"Where have you been?" Will asked before he could stop himself. "I mean... what's the last thing you remember?"

Emily frowned softly. "Uh... oh, we learned that two more of the crowd are going to go through the Ritual. Actually, I think by now they probably already have gone through it. Why?"

Will shook his head, the disappointment rife. It hit him far harder than he expected, but he did his best not to show it. "Never mind. I'm just a little spaced out. I've been having trouble remembering the last few hours."

"You sure you're okay?" Emily asked, taking his hand. "Must've been an intense session, hmm?"

"Session? Oh. The Questioning. Yes. Yeah."

"Want to tell me about it?"

The man's primal scream ripped through his memory. The choice lay before him, plain as the worried look on her face. Tell her and shatter the illusions the Shepherds had set up for everyone. Don't tell her, and she would stay wrapped in lies and comforted in the knowledge that she would achieve contentment.

He stood there long enough for her to pull at his hand.

"Come on, Will. We're going to your bedroom."

As they walked there, he wondered how far he was willing to go where she was concerned. Honesty mattered more than ever, it seemed to him. Knowing that he had confronted himself to an extent, had given truth more weight. Now, he was stuck with the quandary of whether he could be truthful to Emily and the rest of the dead.

It was worse when he kept seeing her worried look, especially as she sat him down beside her when they reached his room.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Do you have regrets?" Will asked. It was the first question that came to mind and he wasn't sure why.

"Regrets? About what?"

"About your life. About things in your life."

Emily sighed. "I'm not sure I believe that's a possibility. Depending on what regrets you're talking about."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, there's more than one type of regret, isn't there? There's the little regrets where you regret that you forgot something or you regret that you ate so much that you feel uncomfortable. Inconsequential things, right? And then there's the other kind of regret where you look back on your life and you wonder about things done differently."

"Those are the regrets I'm talking about."

"Then, no. I don't regret things not done. Not those big ones." She was adamant about it.

"Why not?"

"Because I made those decisions based on who I was at the time. If I didn't, I'd be a different person. You can't regret something you would've done because it was just part of your inherent nature in the moment."

"But you can look back after you did it. You can know at the time, can't you?"

Emily shrugged. "Can you? It's the same thing, isn't it? You're still looking back after the fact. Why regret it?"

He had no idea how to answer that.

"I don't regret anything because who I was, is who acted. Though, I can think about why I made those choices. I can think about why I was that person. I get the feeling that's the whole point of this process. It's just another way for us to know ourselves even more," said Emily.

Will wanted to agree with her wholeheartedly. Perhaps that was the side of him that wanted her death to mean something. He remembered that Y had said as much; it was a gift of sorts to know yourself and shed the pain. After Will had witnessed the Converter, however...

It all seemed so pointless.

"What do you think?" Emily asked.

"Maybe you're right."

"Of course I am. I'm always right."

Will smiled.

"Ah! I made you smile. Finally. Seriously, are you okay? Is there a reason you're asking me these questions?"

"I was just curious. It's been a bit difficult for me today."

"Why?"

"Just had to talk about a bunch of things, I suppose. Learned some things I rather would not have."

"Would you like to talk about that?"

He shook his head. Another thought came to mind. "I do have another question, though," he said.

"Go on."

"How much honesty do you think is good between friends?"

"What do you mean? Are you asking me where the boundaries are?"

"I suppose so," Will shrugged. "I mean... let's say you knew something that might hurt someone else, would you tell them?"

Emily's eyes unfocused slightly as she looked to the side thoughtfully. "I had a discussion about this once with my husband. I think it was in the fifth year of our marriage. We'd both done things in the previous four years that weren't brilliant and ended up affecting us both down the line. Things we hadn't told each other about."

"Like what?"

"Oh, little things. Little lies. Things that ended up dragging on and coming back to haunt us. Honestly, I don't even remember now."

"And what were the conclusions you came to?"

"That honesty is always better."

"Even if it hurts?"

"Yes. I mean, unless it doesn't serve anything. White lies are white lies. Big lies... if they can hurt later on, then yes. Even if it hurts, it's good to say it. That stopped our marriage from eventually breaking down. A little pain early on to save the worse pain later."

"Right. That makes sense."

"Why? Is there something you want to tell me?"

"No," lied Will.

Even in death, he could not escape the odd, low-grade, constant feeling of not quite fitting in where he was supposed to be. Emily had accepted her fate and was already applying meaning to it. He could not.

Her eyes were gentle and sad as she regarded him and as much as he wanted to know what she was thinking at that moment, he did not ask. He said nothing. He sat with his back to the wall and turned his head, focusing on the curved dome of a ceiling.

Know thyself.

What if he didn't want to know himself? What possible purpose could it achieve now that he was no longer alive? Along with the knowledge of what was coming?

All the people he had known, knew him as someone dead. He was frozen in their eyes. He was in dirt, or burnt to ashes, and the only traces of him left in the living world were in the minds of other people. People who loved him, hated him, pitied him, adored him, people who were indifferent to him and in some cases, there were tiny traces of him embedded in people who had once glanced at him in passing, and never thought of him again.

To some he was a hole in their lives, and to others, he was a forgotten speck of dust.

He looked at her. She was so beautiful. He could tell her the truth now and she'd know everything they had gone through was for nothing. Or maybe she'd agree with Y, that it didn't matter because she had learned more about her life. That maybe some of that pain at the end was worth the happiness she had now. Or maybe it'd destroy her.

He wanted to hold her close and protect her from it all. These were feelings he had never felt in life.

"What are you thinking, Will?"

"I think you're wonderful, Emily."

He saw the blush in her cheeks.

"It's been a long, long time since someone said something like that to me," she admitted with a smile.

"Is that okay?"

"Of course. I think you're wonderful, too, Will."

"I don't know if you understand," said Will. "I mean, I really think you're wonderful. Since I met you, my life-- I mean... Just being here. It's been so much easier. I don't think I took to this place like you and the others did. Being around you makes things more comfortable."

Her smile widened. "I'm glad."

"Really?"

She touched his arm and he felt the electricity flow through, lights dashing up his upper arm, grazing his collarbone and making it tingle in the way he liked whenever his ex-girlfriends had bitten him there.

"You think so much, Will. All the time. I don't understand it. It's like you don't know how to slow down, even after death."

She brushed his cheek with her fingertips and was briefly mesmerised by the way the lights spread out over his face, crossing the bridge of his nose and over his eyeball.

"Did you feel that? It went through your eye," she whispered.

"Yeah."

"What did it feel like?" Emily asked, drawing a line down his cheek and watching those lights do the same.

He felt so brave suddenly. It was insane how that little action had unlocked his ability to show her his feelings. He just wanted to forget everything for a few moments. Was that so bad? And her touch was sparking that joy within him; strong and vivid, like he was being flooded with colour on a grey day.

"Like this," Will told her, reaching out to cup her jaw and brush her cheek with his thumb.

He should have been a bit freaked out at seeing two orbs of light zig zag their way over the surface of her eye as they faded. Instead, her pupil was lit gold briefly, and he imagined he could see all the starry universe inside it.

She closed her eyes and smiled. She kissed the heel of his thumb. He watched the lights flow into his forearm, down to his elbow. More of them than before, far more than from a simple touch from the fingertips.

"Feels good," whispered Emily. "Why don't you stop thinking and let your body do something for itself?"

Was that an invitation?

Emily giggled. "Still thinking. C'mere, Will."

She opened her eyes, and they were still aglow. There was a light within her that was coursing through and he could see it spread out over her face and neck. There were tiny sparks jumping to and from between the different lines on her lips.

For once, Will stopped thinking and leaned forward to kiss her full on the lips. The sensation was instant, and he had no words for it. All he knew was he could feel the energy flowing from her mouth into his, could feel it run through his jaw and down into his neck, a surge of tingles that lit his nerves on fire.

Any awareness of time he had left, evaporated in that moment.

When their lips separated, their eyes darted all over each other's faces, noting the way they were aglow. Will was beginning to understand; because they had left their bodies behind, in their nakedness, their raw essences were touching.

There was nowhere for the energy to go but between the two of them. The light in their eyes slowly faded, and Emily got onto her knees so she ended up a head above him. Her hands immediately cupped his face. She dove in for another kiss, eliciting another surge between them. It was far stronger. They pushed back and forth with their mouths, unable to contain the passion they both felt for one another.

There was more of it than Will expected and the recognition that she felt as drawn to him as he did to her only served to make the feelings of pleasure stronger.

She straddled his lap and he put his hands on her hips straight away. Her weight excited him, and his fingernails pressed into her skin, causing her to moan and giggle. She kissed a trail from his mouth to his neck and bit into his skin, causing that electricity to flow harder and stronger.

When her teeth left his skin, his hands slowly went up her sides and the moment slowed. Their eyes met.

"I want you, Will," she whispered, and punctuated it with a long kiss. "Right now."

The answer was yes.

---xxx---

Emily

There were long walks together through the passages of the building and sometimes outside it. If Emily showed curiosity about the cities in the distance, Will would remind her they were told of dangers.

There were long talks with their heads pressed together, and fingers mingling with one another. Once they had finally asked the Shepherds to give them things, there were long periods spent playing silly little games together, doing puzzles, and creating art.

There was exploration of each other, either through their words and looks, or through their bodies and wandering hands and tongues and kisses.

There was time spent sharing their secrets with one another, their fears and their happiness, and the bits of themselves that were mad.

In essence, they gave each other parts of their souls, embedded their memories into one another and carried each other with them.

One by one, the other dead left and each time they did, Will felt a small part of himself grow heavier, as if their second deaths were soaked into him. Sometimes he imagined that after they were shredded apart, their consciousnesses wandered freely in the air around the Golden City and they had truly become part of the world in a way he could not fathom. He wanted so much for that to be true, because there was something appealing to him about the idea of being torn apart and mixed in with Emily's remnants. Permanent and immortal.

He knew it was never going to happen.

The secret sat deep inside himself, a leaden anchor to the world around him, while the others sought Ascension and were annihilated instead.

Soon, only he and Emily were left and he knew the only reason she was still there was because of him. He knew it couldn't last because there were times he could see a part of her feeling the pull towards the Ritual. Whether that came entirely from her, or because it was given to her by the Shepherds, he did not know. It did not matter; the pull would win eventually. She had seen too many of the others showing their contentment and their readiness for the next world. And she wouldn't say it, but he knew she wondered if she would be reunited with people she had left behind, and the people who had left her.

He could not blame her for that. Again, he had no idea if that was a curiosity that came from her, or had been put into her. It was impossible to tell sometimes how much of her was her and how much of her was the influence of the Shepherds.

Her eyes were golden and blue flecks now. Her own pain had gone from her, but anything left behind that resembled pain and darkness, came from knowing him. Will could not absorb the Shepherds' influence any more, and the longer he spent there, the more he had come to realise it was true. Though he may have shed some of the darkness and pain from his life, he would never reach the heady heights the others had.

"Why haven't you changed like the others, Will?" Emily asked once.