Wingnut 01

Wingnut 01

I mean, one time, right? Where a Princess Leia costume one time on costume day and all of a sudden, you're known as Wingnut! Well, Wingnut Billy, but most people just dropped the "Billy" after a while and just went with referring to me as Wingnut. But in my defense, the day started out very well and it wasn't until, you know, boys had to be boys and kept pulling at the buns in my hair! Or the day didn't end all that well for short.

And I'm skipping right past what buns those guys want to pull on now, two years later. But I like how some of them keep after me.

So, I'm Billy (Wingnut) and I ended up just about where my biology wanted me to be. Which I just tried to explain to you that I wore a modestly sexy Princess Leia costume on costume day, hint, hint. I'm a guy, but not really. And nope, it's not my job to explain why my school let me get away with wearing such a costume on our costume day.

Anyways, I've kissed first before and I've been kissed back before. I've been groped and felt up before and I've returned that gesture. I mean, I'm a guy under all this, so I know what's where and what's sensitive and on and on, right? Not that literally everyone else doesn't know about the male anatomy, right?

Anyways, if humping is different than groping, then I've been that too. Plenty. But that's a gesture that I have not returned yet. I mean, guys, right? They will hump forward on anything, but I think they don't want a dick pressing back at them, right? (No matter how small it is)

So, actually, I like how some guys keep after me, but have kept things pretty casual with me or should I say for us. Or for short, I haven't exactly been alone, alone with a guy who has an interest in me yet and there is always someone popping around the corner, right? Or for even shorter, my love life has a limit of 60 seconds or less at a time and I'm okay with that.

Me? Well, my hair is not too thick and I'm currently an auburn tinted brunette that I wear swept behind my ears, but I can bounce it forward if I want or need to be shy. Once, when Benny and I traded a couple of lip locks, I mean, Benny just lifted me up and off of my feet for that, so that's my stature size, I guess. Um, don't need to wear a lot of sleeves since I have less hair on my forearms than most people have on their big toe, but I do enjoy a good costume sleeve, especially a fishnets sleeve.

And nope, that Princess Leia costume day was so long ago that I filled out a little bit since, so that's out.

And for the other stuff of interest, I mean, I've done a thing or two here and there, but as I just said, it's one minute or less, so, figure that into your calculations. Tee he and I'm not calling out Hank for being a "minute man" or anything, but, tee he.

But I don't mean that as a label and I stand by if you don't label me, then I won't label you and anything else to be said about that belongs in the trash can.

Um, I like my true crime shows and mysteries and I'm good at solving mysteries, but I don't have a lot of mysteries to solve, yet. As a matter of fact, the only two mysteries that I haven't been able to solve up to this point in my adult life are why was I born as a boy and why the local police department doesn't have a "transitioning" detective department. Yet. I mean, a magnifying glass and my eyes, right?

"Well, I was wrong again, Henry, this is another mystery that I couldn't possibly solve. Are you and your buds going on a weekend fishing trip or a trip around the world, hmm? That one potato, two potato, three potato, four, four big duffle bags and that's just your truck!"

I mean, guys, right? They only change their t-shirt when somebody will know, right?

"Oh, all that is just my fishing equipment, Wingnut. This bag is my clothes for the weekend."

[Holds up a small, extra small, small duffle bag, which tracks then]

Well, I'm sure there was at least one change of underwear in that, um, game controller size bag?

"Well, I know that you must be on the other end of that spectrum, right, Jack?"

[Jack pats himself down, double checks his underwear waistband]

"I'm good, Wingnut. So, I suppose it's not a mystery that you're here to say goodbye to Blake then, huh?"

Oh, so now everyone is a mystery solver, hmm? And by the way, I was technically not alone with Blake since I have a mental block about being alone with a guy.

[Rap, knock, rap, knock, pushes bedroom door open anyways]

"Oh, wingnut, um, come inside, I was just finishing up with my weekend packing, so, um, come in."

Ahh, one potato, one duffle bag and perfectly bulged out for a weekend trip. Also, I've never been inside of another guy's bedroom since school, so, an adult guy's closet was a mystery to me. Which was another one of my solved mysteries soon enough.

[Just opens the closet door and holy poor birds and deer! That's a lot of camouflage!]

"Camo, camo, camo, camo, camo, black, blue, orange camo, camo, orange camo, camo, Khaki tan, oops, what's this, Blake? And did you pack at least pairs of boxer briefs, hmm?"

"Um, that's a fly fishing vest and um, I think I packed four pairs of boxers, so?"

"Oh, it's nice, so, um, all these little pockets aren't for holding condoms then, well, never mind, so..."

[Tries the Khaki tan fly fishing vest on]

"Can I borrow this vest, Blake? I could wear this vest on the Strip tonight."

[It was way too big for Wingnut]

"Um, Wingnut, um, dig a little deeper towards the left of my closet and you should find my old fly fishing vest from when I was like 13 or 14, um, it's a good one and I was saving it for my young nephew, so?"

[A perfect fit! And just how are all those little pockets not meant for condoms? They're perfect! Well, Wingnut thinks they are a perfect size for that anyways. And it passed the sniff smell test]

"Well, Blake, I'll leave you to it then since your buds are finishing up with the other stuff and since I'm about 120 seconds into my 60 seconds time limit, so?"

[Opens dresser drawer and peeks in and then another and then another and then the bottom drawer]

"Um???"

"Oh, your dresser is sorted perfectly, Blake, from top to bottom and by size, style, weight and most used, although you should consider hanging your logo t-shirts and hoodies on hangers. Fold creases can leave crack lines in the silkscreened logos, so?"

"Um, alright, so noted, so, um, were the guys busy then, huh?"

"Oh, I don't know a lot about packing up fishing equipment for a weekend bromance, but I don't think it's not a mystery that Jack will have his suspicions if I'm taking too long in here with you, so, I'll be on my way. Or you can taste my lips as a goodbye, Blake, so?

[Smooch, smack, mwah]

"Oh, well, I guess I'll just go home and put an outfit together around this fly ass fly fishing Khaki tan vest then, Blake! And maybe read one more chapter in my online book called "there's no blow job like a blow job under the full moon" or something like that. I don't know, it's a really long title, so?"

"[Lip smack] what, Wingnut? That's not a real book! Also, when is the next full moon, huh?"

"[Smooch, smooch, smooch, smack] this weekend, Blake, the full moon is this weekend, so, um, have fun this bromance weekend, Blake."

Well, I was almost three minutes into being alone with a guy and my nerves started to get to me and my small legs just reacted. And there is no such book online. Just a personal blog from Vampire Cassandra, but she gets me. I mean, she gets my subscription monthly fee too, but she seems to know me.

Anyways, guess what goes with a fly ass Khaki fly fishing vest then? Well, modest Khaki shorts, that's what, but the Khaki people don't seem to be in the "too small, too short" market, so. But I actually like the flare of the legs.

"What the hell, Wingnut? Are you going fly fishing on the river then, huh?"

"Oh, Bruce, um, no, but I am selling condoms out of all these pockets tonight! Also, could you peek at the packages of condoms that I bought, please? I never before, so?"

[Slides one packaged rip cord of condoms out like it was spy material and shows it to Bruce]

"OMG, Wingnut! I mean, these are top dollar items, but you need to tear the flap ribbons at the seams so they are as individual condoms, sheesh. I mean, I know it's cool to flip out an entire string of them, but seriously, one at a time."

"Oh, I thought guys like you just keep going and going, so? I mean, you're all "ugh, ugh, ugh" several times in a row, right, Bruce? I mean, that's what I've heard, especially on the night of a full moon, so?"

"Oh, well, I mean, I'm different, of course, tee he, but other guys, I mean, well, just give me an entire string, Wingnut and you know, pass that info around a little bit, ahem, so."

[Trades, not sells, but trades a string for a nice wad of paper]

"Hey, Wingnut, what's all the fuss around you tonight, hmm? And where is your boyfriend then? The word is that you packed, unpacked and then repacked his weekend duffle bag inside of his bedroom."

OMG! That was literally two hours ago and you all just read it! There was no packing, unpacking and then repacking of his duffle bag going on! Well, I readjusted his cock in his cargo shorts after I kissed him hard, so. Wait, after I kissed Blake hard, on the lips, which made his dick hard! I mean, you all just read that too.

Which, thanks to Jack and Henry being around, didn't turn into anything else. Which brought a frown from Vampire Cassandra when I confessed to her that I could have been had in the form of that hot dogging position. Which, I myself said could turn into something else if that's where the moment led too. I mean, I don't plan on living under a rock all my life, so.

"Hush, Astrid. So, if you need any condoms tonight, I mean, I'm loaded with product and it's a full moon tonight, so?"

[Gently tugs down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt]

"Oh, so it is a full moon tonight then, Wingnut, so, maybe I'll snatch a couple of them, you know, just in case and all since that responsibility quietly shifted over to the women in these modern times."

"Ahem!"

[Astrid's Heidi, pulls Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt back up a bit]

"I'll take a couple myself, Wingnut."

[Gently tugs down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt again]

"Heidi, you can have three condoms for having the legs of the year, so?"

[Heidi pulls Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt back up a bit again]

"Hah! Flattery will only get you so far with me, Wingnut, but I wouldn't be mad if you repeated that a few times to other people, but listen, sweetie, I have a mystery for you to solve, so?"

[Gently tugs down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt again]

"Oh, give me the background facts, Heidi and I'm on it and then I'm right back to you with the solution!"

[Heidi pulls Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt back up a bit again]

"Alright then, Wingnut, what might be the mysterious outcome if say, you know, a certain person, who somehow ended up with the face of a girl, say, went over to his boyfriend's house to bid him a goodbye before his fishing trip and then, you know, probably bent over a couple of times while snooping around his bedroom and closet and probably took his temperature a couple time using a tongue thermometer, which usually leads to humping and bumping, which usually leads to a frenzy build up of man ball juice and anxiety and then sent him on his way for his weekend bromance with the guys, hmm? Is it any mystery that a man's balls will seek out relief no matter what started it, hmm?"

"[Gulp]"

[But still gently tugs down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt again]

"And don't even get me started on how it's no mystery that there is a certain group of ladies who will follow fishing trips since they are usually men and since cheap motels are all around the lake, so?"

[Un-phased Heidi pulls Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt back up a bit again]

"[Gulp]"

[Stays after the gently tugging down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt]

"Well, I suppose there is always a chance that the guys will circle jerk around the campfire instead of going into town, so, thanks for the condoms, sweetie, and um, that Victor guy is a fly fishing fanatic and even though I'm not too crazy about his attitude sometimes, well, what better way to spend a little time under the full moon than trading fly fishing lies just down by the river banks, hmm?"

[Heidi stays after the gently pulling back up of Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt]

"Heidi, do you even know what fly fishing is, hmm?"

[Still gently tugging down on Astrid's off the shoulder ruffled shirt]

"Not really, Wingnut, but I do know that you elevated Blake's body temperature and sent him packing with his buds. Oh, and I also know that the Lewd triplets, Bonnie, Connie and Lonnie, just posted on Chang that they have 'gone fishing', so think about that mystery then."

[Heidi still insists on the gently pulling back up Astrid's ruffled off the shoulder shirt]

"Well..."

[Beep, beep, honk]

"Astrid! Heidi! We're heading to the club! Want to join us? You're both hot as hell tonight and we need the club cred! Our treat all the way around, so?"

I mean, in the old days, right? People used to say goodbye.

[Astrid tugs her own ruffled shirt down a bit and Heidi hikes her skirt up a bit]

"So, I mean, hey David, hey William, so?"

"Oh, hey, Wingnut, um, nice fly fishing vest, um, we got to go now, so, see you."

[Screech, peal, squeal, vroom, vroom]

Well, I got the ball rolling anyways by revealing Astrid's beige strapless bra, so.

"What's with the weird look on your face tonight, huh, Wingnut? Did you stab yourself with a fishing hook?"

"Oh, um, hey there, Chuck, um, no, I didn't stab myself with a fishing hook, but listen Chuck, um, you go fishing sometimes, right?"

"Oh, I used to go a lot more, but I've slowed down the last two years because of the cost, so?"

"Oh, because fishing equipment has become too expensive then, Chuck, hmm?"

"Tee he, you have the cutest tippy toe spin, Wingnut, but no, fishing equipment accumulates over time, so that's not too bad, but the hookers, right? I mean, blast off, can you say sky rocketing costs!"

"What?"

"Well, the roadside motel ladies have kept the price list in check, but, ooh la, la, those ladies who peddle the cabins door to door looking for a worm in their scout skirts, wow. Also, LOL, those are so not scout skirts! But they sell their cookies!"

"WHAT?"

"Well, I mean, in some ways, all those boyfriends are double lucky because as soon as they mention a weekend fishing trip, I mean, boom, all of the girlfriends go sex crazy on them like three times a day for the preceding three days because, well, let's face it, it's no mystery that there is hardly a girlfriend around that would allow her boyfriend to head up to the fishing lake with any level of sexual tension build up, right? Or any sex fluid built up, tee he, right, Wingnut?"

Well, someone should put that on a sign or something!

"Hey, Wingnut, where are you going so fast? What did I say?"

Well, I wasn't going to stick around and listen to any more of Chuck's fishing tales! Or how a certain group of ladies up at the fishing lake give up their tails.

[Run smashes into a wall. A wall named Randy]

"Oh, sorry, Randy, I mean, I was just running away to southern Argentina, so?"

[Huh, Randy doesn't release his grip]

"Oh, that's a long way to run then, Wingnut, so, I mean, were you going to catch a couple of fish for your journey then, huh? And who goes fly fishing with a fly fishing vest full of condoms anyways, hmm?"

Well, some of them popped out when I smashed into his chest, so. And sometimes there are just no good answers to certain questions, right?

"Oh, I mean, Chuck, it's a full moon tonight, so, um, well, I'm roleplaying a, well, a hooker tonight, so that's why I'm packed full with condoms and that's all, so?"

"Well then, Wingnut, let's take your roleplaying a little further tonight, wait, were you up at the fishing lake two weekends ago? I mean, I was drunk and that's I popped off so fast, wait, dip down and peer up at me, okay?"

I was not up at the fishing lake two weekends ago. But I did obey him for some reason.

"Whew, well, you're so hot these days, Wingnut, so, um, about that roleplaying thing then, hmm?"

My eyes, right?

"[Gulp] Randy, is a blow job under the full moon exactly the same as you whacking off to my butt, hmm?"

"Oh no, that's why they invented Tuesday nights, Wingnut, so?"

"[Gulp] Randy, is a blow job under the full moon exactly the same as you rubbing off on my bare butt then, hmm [gulp]?"

"That's why they invented 4pm on Thursday's, Wingnut, so?"

Well, I was on my way to southern Argentina anyways, so. Well, after I roleplayed a fly fishing hooker under the full moon because Randy had an answer for everything! Including 9am on Sunday's!

Which was a dream anyways, so.

End Wingnut 01