Without Form and Void

Brad awoke in my arms as morning light streamed through the door open to the living room. He raised his head to look at me, smiling. His emotions were a tumble of love, admiration, and deep satisfaction.

"I'm so happy you're really here" he whispered. "I was afraid it had all been a dream."

"Tell me about it, lover" I encouraged.

"You'll think I'm silly" he demurred.

"No, I think dreams are inspiration. Tell me."

"Okay. I dreamt that when we were making love that we were transported to another place. It was beautiful, but unearthly. And you'll really think this is silly, I could swear I heard heavenly voices."

"Why is that silly?"

"I don't know, it just so cliché, like what poets write about being in love."

"Who knows better than poets?"

"Angelo, you're teasing me."

"No, dear Brad, when we made love I felt just as you describe. When people make love with total abandon, I believe they create the energy of life and that is why we exist. It is our gift to God. Yes, last night the angels sang and today the world is a better place."

"I believe you're serious, Angelo."

"I am."

I felt anxiety rising in him, a skepticism at my too ardent words and a fear that I might be dangerous.

"Make love to me again, Brad. Dare to experience it all again" I said leaning in to kiss him. I felt his desire surge, even as his cock swelled. His anxiety held him back a moment more, then he melted into my kiss, reaching down to guide my cock back into his ass. The celestial choir enveloped us again in our loving.

Chapter Four - Cloud Nine

Reality came back into the room with the insistent ringing of Brad's alarm clock. He struggled to disentangle himself from my embrace to silence the offending noise, then willingly returned to my embrace.

"I love you" he dared. Fear, courage, warmth.

"My darling, Brad, thank you for sharing with me."

"I mean it. I love you."

"I was counting on it. Maybe not so soon, but I was counting on it" came my reply.

"I have to go to work, dammit" Brad swore.

I hugged him hard one more time, stood up, took his hands in mine and pulled him from the bed. Brad grudgingly allowed me to lead him to the shower and submitted to my soaping him, continually interrupting my efforts with attempts to kiss me. Eventually we were both clean.

"Thank you, lover, Angelo" he said as I gently dried him with a towel.

We paused, half-dressed to kiss. Our cheeks rubbed as we nuzzled. "I haven't shaved."

"Don't for today. Your beard makes you more handsome yet" I told him. He glowed with the compliment.

"You're so fair, it doesn't show on you, but I feel it. So nice" Brad purred in response.

Brad continued dressing half in a dream. I made him a quick breakfast, snuggled him from behind as he brushed his teeth and led him out of the apartment to the commuter train that would take him to his job in the city center.

He waved to me as the train pulled away. I could feel his sadness, but also his contentment. We had agreed to meet again that evening. The thought must have passed through his mind, for I felt his surge of desire and anticipation. His thoughts wandered over the events of the previous day evidenced by feelings of warmth. I felt his happiness and realized the same feeling in myself.

I went to our project site to share what I had experienced. On entering, I was quickly surrounded by other project members, some still in early stages of individuation, still shadowy. I was asked how my subject and I had so quickly achieved a rapport, a rapport that led to energy creation of the highest order. The ego of my individuated body was pleased as my spirit-self demurred. Even as the compliments still warmed my earthly ears, cautions of over-involvement and subjugation to things of the world came from all sides. I thanked all for their advice and repaired to a meditation space to share my experiences.

Even as I spiraled into a meditative state, I caught a wave of emotions from Brad. Among them were embarrassment, elation, and then a wave of sadness and guilt. I yearned to hear what had caused such acute reactions, knowing I would need to wait until he and I met in the evening.

I continued my meditation and shared my experiences, adding to the understanding of how humans crave the act of creation and the energy that results.

Brad met me on the street in front of his apartment house. He was panting and flushed. As we embraced, he confided, "I saw you coming and ran down to meet you. It's been only hours yet seems forever since you dropped me off, my love."

I could not contain my curiosity about the emotional wave earlier in the day, requesting "please tell me about your day."

"It was strange on the train. I felt as if everyone was looking at me, or a least stealing glances. They seemed to see that I had been made love to, but that made them happy, too. When I got to the office, my coworkers teased me. 'Brad got laid' they chanted. I tried not to react, but I'm afraid I was blushing furiously which they took as an admission. Well I had gotten laid by a wonderful man and I'm not surprised it shown on my face. Angelo, I love you." Then Brad wound down, his face falling.

"What happened then, my dearest one?" I asked.

"It was pretty awful. Karen, a woman I've worked with for years came into the office kitchen when I was getting coffee. No one else was there. She stared at me at first, then broke into tears and fled the room. I had no idea what I had done or said."

Another coworker came in looking both angry and sympathetic. She said, "You don't know do you. I look at you and I can tell. Men!"

"I asked what was going on. She told me that Karen had been trying to get my attention for months, that she harbored hopes that we could date and was disappointed that I had not responded as she wished. I was floored. Sure Karen and I had worked well together. I enjoyed her company at work, but I had no idea she was interested in me."

"I asked my coworker to sit down, fearing and knowing what I had to say. 'First of all, I had no idea of Karen's intentions, but it doesn't matter. I thought everyone kind of knew. I'm gay.' My coworker kind of shrugged and nodded that she had suspected and had warned Karen. Still Karen was surprised that I had made a connection, crushing her fantasy. I felt awful that what had made me so utterly happy had hurt someone else. I'm afraid I felt that way all day - with occasional bouts of unbelievable horniness. And then you came along. You showed me that you cared by asking about my day. That tells me a lot about the kind of man you are and makes more happy that I love you. I am kind of hungry, but can we make love before dinner? I need to be with you. We can go out and grab a bite later."

Brad took me by the hand and led me into the bedroom and the earth fell away...

Chapter Five - Undone

Over the next six months, I shared every possible moment with Brad. At first I was diligent in reporting to the project site each day, meditating and uploading my experiences. When the first weekend came, I even managed to report for a few hours. Then my efforts waned. Brad and I made love, shared love, were love. It was more than bodies and spirits entwined. And while the energy we created raised the good of the world, the cautions about my entanglement escalated to warnings. I was powerless to contain my involvement with Brad. Echoes of my long ago time on earth returned and I craved being wholly human, to spend a life with Brad.

And then it happened. One early morning as Brad and I lay in each other's arms, the bed warm from our exertions, Brad raised up on one elbow and said, "Angelo, you know I love you, but I know nothing about you. I know you are a magnificent lover. I know you are beautiful and I feel beautiful when I'm with you. But who is this man in my bed, this man who brings me so much happiness? Where do you go during the day? Where do you come from? You never mention any family. I've been curious for a while, but when you kiss me, nothing else matters. Still I want to know you better so I can love you more."

My mind and soul raced to meet my lover's questions. I did not want to lie, yet I could not imagine telling the truth. "Does it matter, dear one?" I evaded.

I felt fear crowd out curiosity in Brad and knew I had to tell him more about me.

With a sigh, I began "We've talked about the sensations when we make love." Brad cuddled amorously closer. "I mean the spiritual side, too." Brad purred understanding. "Well, my people believe that when we love, we add energy to the universe." Brad's brows knitted in mock concern. "I'm serious" I chided. "My job is to help understand this relationship between loving and energy. It's a great job to have with you, by the way."

Brad was not satisfied. "But where do you come from?"

"Here, a long time ago, but from here" I replied.

Brad relented as I kissed him. I made an extra effort to please him as we coupled.

"All right, I won't ask any more questions" Brad panted, still recovering from our loving.

His remaining curiosity must have remained very deep, for I only sensed a trace of it. Later that week, it all came apart. I had dropped Brad off at the train and proceeded to the project site, now some weeks since my last visit. My extreme love making had become expected. I breezed past the censorious eyes of the others and entered the meditation room. I had a backlog of experiences to share and quickly descended into the required state, opening my soul.

I became dimly aware of a disturbance nearby. One of the project team entered the meditation space and called me back from my trance. It was a long journey back, so deeply had I entered. He continued urging me. When I approached coherence, I understood him to say that a man, my subject had followed me to the facility and sought me out.

I came fully to the present and rushed out to find Brad crumpled on the floor. I ran to him and embraced him.

"What is this place? Who are these, these creatures?" Brad was nearly out of his mind with fear. I looked around me to observe as he had, a vast empty room and among several normal humans were the half-individuated forms of team members suspended in the air. Terror and confusion consumed Brad.

A project member approached. "You will have to put his mind at ease. You will have to tell him. He probably won't understand, but you must tell him. This will put an end to your mission. It is an outcome many of us feared as you became more and more attached to this one. Still, it has been a thing of beauty, this love you have shared. Take him away from here and tell him. Do not go where you can make love again, as cruel as that may feel. You must separate so that he can continue his human existence and hopefully continue the extraordinary loving you helped bring out."

I led Brad out of the facility. The walking calmed him. He allowed me to take his hand. We walked to the spot where I had first appeared to him, a bench along the river's side. I sat and he sat next to me, looking at me, his face full of questions.

"How can I tell you what I am?" I asked.

"Are you an alien?" Brad questioned.

"No, I am from here, as I said. I was human, once, but left the earth, as we all must. The religions of the world have many explanations of what follows death. They try, but fail when they imagine reward and torment. You know that sensation, as we make love, when we are out of time, pure sensation, well that is a glimpse into what comes after. Our life energy is released beyond time and space."

"How did you come to be here, with me?"

"I think I explained that when we make love, we create energy."

"Like making babies."

"No, that is reproduction, an important by-product, not the purpose of loving. What I mean is re-creation. Creating life energy as we love. It is the moment when the god in each of us performs the act of creation. When people stare at you after we've made love, they see god in you and it reflects the god in themselves. That's why they feel good."

"So you're telling me you're some kind of creature from beyond?"

"Not a creature, but pure energy, simple spirit. But in that state, we are beyond creation. All energy must come from life. We, or really I, for there is no individual existence, require the Earth to give meaning. I know this is confusing, language cannot express the concepts of beyond, but know that acts of loving are what drives the universe. We, I seek to promote that, and so on rare occasions we come into human form to connect."

"You mean like an angel, Angelo?" Brad asked archly.

"We have been called that in some cultures. We are momentary images of existence."

"Where will you go?"

"I will always be here, with you. I have been since the first quickening in your mother's womb. I have been and will be with you always, in every moment of sadness and joy, but particularly when you make love, even when you're alone. And I will be with you when you transition away from this life."

Brad looked at me sadly.

"Somehow, we've always been connected, you and I, even as I am not an individual. Know that I am always here, that I love you and care for you. Feel my presence, feel my love."

I kissed him gently on the cheek and rose to go. He reached out for my hand to draw me back. I resisted, drawing away, fighting the lure of every joy of earth, knowing I must surrender and return to the oneness.

I walked toward a setting sun, feeling his eyes on me. With each step I shed the molecules of my human form, the sensations I had reveled in during my earthly time. And then I was one with him again, not physically, but in his heart. I felt, as he did, the sadness melting into wonder, disbelief becoming understanding. And while not the ecstatic moment of making love, the earth gave way for him and the heavens sang.

He watched the figure dissolve into the fading light of a setting sun, his emotions turning again and again. Out of the remaining brightness came a new figure, a man, approaching him. The figure came close. He was tall, well-formed, handsome. Brad looked up at him new questions in his mind?

"Are you an angel?" Brad dared.

"I've never been called that, usually much worse" the man replied.

"You must think I'm crazy. Forgive me" Brad said.

Brad felt the man's eyes as his glance wandered over his body. Brad looked up to see the man smiling. "When I first saw you, I thought I was seeing things. You looked kind of lighted up. Maybe it was a trick of the sun, but it was like you were glowing. It was beautiful. May I sit down? I'm Dominic, by the way."

Brad examined the man, wondering if it could be coincidence.

"You are from Earth, right?"

"Most of us are, aren't we? I thought I looked like a typical earthling, albeit somewhat fabulous. What's your name?"

"I'm Brad. Come on, Dominic, let me buy you some coffee."

"Sounds great. Before we go, I know it might seem forward, but since I first saw you, I've had an urge to kiss you. Would that be okay?"

"Nothing would please me more."

They kissed.

"Did you hear that?" asked Dominic.

"What?"

"It was like a choir or something up in the air."

"Get used to it, Dominic. Somehow, I think this, you and me, is meant to be."