All Comments on 'Words: The Conclusion'

Stunted and deformed sequel much like Kristi 's malformed uterus and reasoning process in original story. I want to be constructive here , I really do . But this author's stiff dialogue is similar to five year old voicing her dolls at tea party . This reads like FTDS , after Thorazine and lobotomy.

This was awful. And you know it, because you don't let us rate your story.

I wonder if the original author is regretting his decision to allow you to write this.

Very enjoyable story, Thanks for sharing.

This was not a conclusion but a 180 turn.. This should have been stand alone story as the character were totally changed, and have not resemblance to the first story.

It's a very sad state of affairs when you cant even remember the names of the characters you are writing about Randy/James

If you're going to write a sequel to someone else's story you should be able to write. The original was an excellent story both technically and as far as content. This was a joke.

Utter fucking garbage that's in no way related to the brilliant original story. Also, if your going to try (and fail bigtime) to write a sequel to one of the best stories on this website at least have some fucking balls and allow reader to vote!

I'm sorry but no way. Life does not work that way. Not if you stayed true to the original characters.

no rating

That was truly awful. No comparison whatever to the brilliant original. Stilted language, name changes, it just got worse as it went on. Thanks at least for trying, and know that this criticism comes from someone with all the writing ability of a cardboard box, but really .............!

What we know from the story and her actions

1. She was a selfish, cheating bitch

2. She had a long history of slutting around

3. She was stupid enough to fuck a subordinate at work, and even stupider to suggest that her husband accept it. Worse, she was so stupid that she did not consider the most likely consequences of her actions.

4. She claims she had MPD. MPD is a VERY rare condition and certainly something her husband would have at least had some suspicions about long before she was cheating. MPD would have also affected her profession career long before she cheated. Most of the time claims of MPD are untrue.

5. So, we know that she is a selfish, lying, cheating, slut with some kind of serious mental disorder if not MPD. The above makes her a terrible prospect for a life partner and an irresponsible prospect for a mother. Taking her back is a sign of desperation and poor judgement. Something his bosses should be concerned about as he negotiates for them. Given his very important position and earning potential, he should have had a lot of options for future mates.

6. The first story was somewhat believable, this one was unbelievable and pushed the reader away.

7. Also, even if you don't use an editor more careful proof reading will help.

Deserving negative stars, but the author is a pussy.

Can't believe Jezzaz allowed someone who can't write worth a damn to continue their story. C1982w is a booting text book writer who need to learn how to write, especially how to stick to how characters are from the previous writer.

Not sure what story you read. Characters were completely different. As said before, why the author allowed a follow on is beyond me

Just plain bad

I guess we know why no voting allowed.

but I do think my comments were deleted. Bad form, really.

This was horrible. I had to stop reading before I finished a page. The dialogue, the words, the interaction... nothing was believable. No voting? Consider it 2 stars for effort.

The original story was a near perfect rendering on this painful subject. This is an abomination. It's like a men's room rendering of the Mona Lisa being gang banged in spray paint. Not only poorly written, but as others have noted, the characters have completely changed. This horrid mess should never have seen the light of day.

I read it never thinking about the other story and characters...It's the only way to do it...It's like to compare a part 2 of a movie written by another writer and directed by another Director...We can't compare what can't be compared...Each writer has his own vision of life...If we look to this story like this, it's not a bad story...If we look at it through the eyes of the other writer and the other story, then maybe it isn't so good...However as I read it without the shadow of the other one, I would have rated this 3*

After reading the incredible story by Jezzaz, I had high hopes for this sequel. The first story was complete and needed no further chapters, but I could see the appeal of a second chapter to satisfy the curiosity of what happened after the curtain fell.

Taking on a story by authors like Jezzaz is like singing a Whitney Houston song. You better know that you have the right stuff because mediocre talent is going to be a disappointment. As was this story.

Sorry author. I think you should stick to writing your own story instead of completing stories that need no completion.

Not really a sequel. This has nothing to do with the original. Just plain bad.

It was not only me who commented on the original story that it was perfect as it was and - unlike other similar settings where the wife admits to an ungoing affair and wants to continue - had a sufficient ending and did not need any sequel.

Mike indeed made a forecast of the illicit lovers' future, so the reader could vividly imagine what would happen afterwards. For the vast majority of LW-readers it certainly wasn't the RAAC described in this attempt.

As an avid reader of the LW section I learned to hate stories were the author tries to white-wash the cheater claiming a Medical Personality Disorder. It may happen, but it is not what anybody wants to read about. A person that cheats and humilates should be held responsible at least in the world of LW stories. There may be forgiveness in a case like this, but reconcilliation makes me sick.

BTW: Shutting down the rating feature does not prevent me from writing what I think about your shared story; if there would be any credit, it is just for the effort an sharing it online.

And your story was a excercise in how NOT to use them.

I'm not making ANY comments on your narrative take as that is yours to do as you please with BUT ....words? really?

You BADLY need a editor and proof readers.

Go and read your story again ... just the first few paragraphs will do and ask yourself this question.

"Does anyone actually talk like that or think in those types of phrases in their head in real life?"

If your answer is no (and it must be no because lets face it NOBODY uses that kind of launguage and phrasology in daily life) then seriously start adjusting the way you approach writing.

The problem here isn't that your writing is so terrible, sure its not great but there are 1000 worse stories on literotica.

It's that you wrote a sequal to a all time classic that was so WELL written and used such lovely language in correct context that your failure to meet those high standards stood out like a dog in a cat parade.

Good luck in the future but seriously ...read your writing before you publish it and ask yourself ... "is this how people talk?"

It's going to help you a lot.

You are a wooden, uncreative writer, you desperately need an editor, and you took a nice gem of a story and added absolutely nothing interesting to it. I can see why you don't let people rate your stories.

As a stand alone story (it could have had a paragraph or two intro to set it up without the need to revert to Jezazz's characters) it may have been interesting. Not unique or innovative, but okay. But, when you do a sequel to a masterpiece, it will be -and should be - held to a higher standard. This didn't meet that. It wasn't crisply written. It took two dimensional characters and flattened them.

Dull. Badly written.

Seriously

I would not have opened the story to voting either.

It took more courage to post than most have.

Also less consideration to waste the time of anyone who bothers to read it.

Just terrible.

Completely pointless and unnecessary.

Dialogue was forced and stilted.

Do you even have a remote idea what multiple personality disorder is?

I didn't particularly like the original, but why write a "conclusion" that just shits all over the author's intentions like this? This is just atrocious.

I have no problem with reconciliation but sorry to say you really need to improve your writing skills. They are pretty terrible. 'Words' was beautifully written. This is certainly not.

Your writing is immature, unsophisticated, stilted and lacking any style. Sometimes you seem to struggle to put a coherent sentence together. You need to read more classic literature and understand how to write. Your ideas are ok so perhaps a really excellent editor would suffice, although they would have to do a lot of re-writing to achieve the standard of works like 'Words'.

Sorry to be discouraging.

Forgot how bad your writing is.

Couldn't have been more badly written! Don't

give up your day job!!

Where did Mike go and who is the alien that looks like Mike?

Went back and read the original. This was a significant departure.

Nice try but you changed the characters personalities until they were different people, just didn't work.

Also lost the flow of the story, the dialogue was stilted.

The original Mike was clever and articulate. This one is neither.

but the author is a whinny pussy who doesnt allow voting on his shitty stories. so i cant.

Oh the hubris. To think you were anywhere near as skilled writer as Jezzaz is delusional. A waste of time. And to be so arrogant and overconfident to announce that you don't use an editor and that any and all mistakes are on you. Well, thats a whole lot of screwups you're wearing like a hat. Find a different hobby, sport!

But even though I did not go back to the original story, I do not doubt that the personalities changed between authors. It is only natural.

I have no complaints with the plot and events. I usually have positive emotions when the couple can get back together. This story is undermined completely by the language used. It is understandable that the author attempted to use internal dialogue instead of the omniscient point of view. It is less intrusive. Sometimes less irritating in that the all knowingness is not as pronounced. All is undermined, however, by the language used. It is stilted and pedantic. The syntax overall is awkward and artificial. It seems as though the characters pontificate rather than think. It is so far away from the internal dialogue of humans rather than robots it is a difficult read. My main thought was " are yo shitting me" as I read the the words and syntax of the dialogue. An author can arrange the events of the plot and choose what he?she want to happen but must be wise on words used and syntax. This author failed in making this story readable and entertaining. I must say that I despise the kind of vitriol expressed by some of the commentators. In particular the ones that have little to help the author but rather just use a label to berate him. To me they are showing their lack of intelligence or IQ and not the limitations of the author.

I liked "Words" and generally am entertained by sequels, rarely invested emotionally in outcome. This effort could have gone a dozen different directions. The transition seemed wooden, and Mike was a hollow character by comparison. This piece screams for editing. Beyond that, I was modestly amused. I'd love to see jezzaz do a sequel, or others in other directions for that matter.

At least proof read what you write. The punctuation is all over the place and the dialogue is totally unrealstic. Adressing people as ex-wife once maybe out of irony ok, but several times is tedious. The whole precept is flawed as well.

That whole mpd thing was poorly thought out. She finds she has a psych condition and does nothing while trashing her marriage? And she really saw nothing of lover boys roving eyes? Sorry,

If this was an experiment in seeing if a btb story could morph into a raac, I salute the attempt, even in its abject failure.

A 1 at best and a serious waste of time reading. I usually try to be more encouraging but the typos, weird capitalization, strange internal monologue and contorted plot make it too hard to do more

Interesting that James changed his name to Randy.

But I have been known to mangle names in my stories...

Pathetic excuses...

Should have left the story alone..

Characters were so weakly drawn...

But............ sorry not in the same league as the original. Not the intensity, and certainly not the angst of the main character and the way he rolls over does not compute with his original feelings. However, I can understand reconciliation but not as easy as this. If I had given the oportunity to score I would give this 2 1/2 but as Lit doesn't give the opportunity to score in halves (worth considering Lit) 3*

But jezzaz gets a pass for allowing you to crap on his story. It shows how little he respects his readers that he let you do it.

After gradually dealing with missing each other, he quickly asks her to move in. Seems like you ran out of things to write and ended the story.

The build up to the sudden end was well written.

Mental issues are certainly a real life possibility but in writing and explaining misbehavior it is a cop out. Dialogue was tedious and formal. Little or no substance added to th characters.

BTW: am I missing something, who the hell is Randy?

I'm truly happy you wrote this since it prompted me to read the original - thankfully before I read your sequel. However I'm sad jezzaz allowed you to publish this with his permission. It seems like you completely changed the characters to meet the predetermined ending you were seeking. You changed the style, taking us out of first person, and changing perspective constantly, sometimes paragraph to paragraph. I'm glad you found inspiration to write but, I'm just disappointed with the result, and hope you find a proper editor.

Threeson

So let me get into the NOT so easy things.

First, when you add all kinds of elements which were totally outside the venue of the original story, like her job, her mental health issues, James conveniently deciding he needed to fuck other people at the drop of a hat...just no. It is not organic growth. It's like attaching a human ear to the back of a rat. I hear it is POSSIBLE, but is it NECESSARY or even DESIRABLE?

Tone and Theme. Nothing like it. Jezzaz wrote a psychological purposeful dissection of a sensitive and otherwise moral woman. This was 'Karma hates Cheaters' so EVERYTHING in the world craps on the cheating pair...because.

I get the impulse to improve or expand on someone's work. But Jezzaz set a VERY high bar. So even good writing will seem pale in comparison. (I would not infer any compliment in that last sentence)

This continuation is irrelevant because it has no consistency with the original.

to give it a 1 but there was no rating... No offense but you obviously need an editor, im not sure if you actually tried on this or just threw it together in one day? Very hard to follow, no emotion, and dialogue that seems like its from a 1960's movie.

I liked the mental illness. That would in real life be a factor in getting back together.

Maybe this was to short. It didnt feel right getting to the end.

Should have spent more into her treatment. Like gradual realization of what shes done, horror grows, she meets doc, discussion, then starts the meds.

Then she tried to rebuild with husband.

But very little was spent on that which would have been the main focus of a followup with mental health as a tool to reconcile.

Also you had her brother frankly trying to prevent them fixing anything. Thats odd.

And lastly, I cant help it, the SOB she cheated with needed punishment.

"While there's no "cure" for dissociative identity disorder, long-term treatment can be helpful, if the patient stays committed. Effective treatment includes talk therapy or psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and adjunctive therapies such as art or movement therapy. There are no established medication treatments for dissociative identity disorder, making psychologically-based approaches the mainstay of therapy."

But there is artistic license, I guess. She could have just as effectively said, "The Devil made me do it" and maybe she did because I stopped reading at "Multiple Personality Disorder".

Up until that point I was disappointed in the flat, two-dimensional nature of the characters which Jezzaz had taken such pains to build and establish in the original. In fact, it is a shame that C1992w even related this mess to the earlier near-masterpiece.

"but I was so certain Mike would accept my proposal.” – As has been said before, both here and in other stories, how would SHE have reacted to a similar proposal from Mike?

“ask company counsel to recommend an out-of-work domestic relations attorney” – Why in the world would you want an OUT OF WORK attorney?!

"Mike, five months ago Doctor Kenner diagnosed me as having Multiple Personality Disorder.” – You have to be F-ing kidding! You’re SURELY not going to have her try THAT excuse, PARTICULARLY when it was never mentioned during their confrontation! Not that it would be an excuse, but still….

This story from both writers was weird. The personality disorder I understand my ex wife was diagnosed with it .there was nothing but therapy that would help her. Plus they came up with a few more thing and gave her drugs. But as a mediator he should have know better than marry her. And for me no children in a marriage is so sad. I got 4 and now in my old age . I visit them and my grandchildren. When you get to this age life without children gets lonely. But to get back together seemed a stretch.

.

if you are going to add to an existing story you should try to make sure the story "feels" the same. the characters in the original story are both strong and independent people in my opinion. your characters are wimpy and just boring. you definitely didn't do the original story justice. gave it a 1.

Poorly written story. Suffered through it until he took the hooker to Sea World. That was enough! I'm sure you found a way for them to reconcile but this is garbage. You may want to investigate another hobby wherever you are incarcerated.

Sorry didn't realise I was writing in the title space. Maybe I have A S

This wasn't a story to continue, especially when you took it to another planet. Pretty much everyone has made the salient points. All in all, I don't think this one was worth your time or effort...

If Jezzaz's original 'Word's was a 10, which it was for me, this was at least a -2. Too stilted, too much of the characters thinking to themselves, just an awful attempt, in my own opinion.

It was thoughtful, well-written and well worth reading.

This crap, on the other hand, was NOT!!!

Poorly written, with names being transposed (ie James vs Randy) and the most stilted and inappropriate dialogue ever

I strongly suggest you NOT attempt to finish any REAL author's works in future - your own are bad enough

In the first segment of this series, Kristi was shown to be a master of subterfuge, concealment, and heartless betrayal. She also made it clear that she was totally self-absorbed and unscrupulous. So how did Mike find this woman worthy of marriage to begin with? And how could Mike want her back? Easy! He's as batshit crazy as she is. And how two mentally ill people partner up to totally destroy each others lives is just sad and depressing reading. Then they adopt children into their mad house? Just fucking unbelievable.

So, there's plenty of accurate critiques on the poor writing, stilted dialogue, contrived and lame plot devices used to explain her cheating and get the fuck buddy out of her life, etc. But it all reads like some high school kid's attempt at writing a romance cartoon.

I think you should find a more obvious story to complete. JPB has hundreds from which you could choose, but there are thousands lying around here. Even some unfinished series, where it looks like the original author just lost interest, or died. Maybe you can make this work with another story. This one, not so much.

but after how in the original story jezza had written the wife and husband -a get together of the two was just a "bridge too far" for any author.

Good try-thanks for posting

And to all you people criticizing jezzaz . . . please don't . . . I think its great when writers let other writers experiment with different takes or different endings or sequels to a story. It's all part of being creative. It's fun! If you don't like something, try to explain why (clearly if possible, so the writer can maybe get something from it).

Had it ended with a twist that this was Kristi's delusional thoughts after she'd been committed following a total nervous breakdown, we could frame the stilted dialogues, zero emotion, nonsense plot and what not. As is, it's just crap.

You took a story from one of the better writer's on this site and hacked his characters up. I always thought that at the end of Jezzaz's story Mike was going to jail. Once James got out of the apartment his first act would have been to call 911. Which would have brought an ambulance and the Police. Given his testimony and that of Kristi's, Mike would be off to jail for assault, battery and domestic abuse since it was Kristi's apartment too. Then you threw in some ridiculous medical excuse, mixed up Kristi and Christi, changed Mike's character completely, had Kristi yelling at him in an airport which would have gotten her removed, and then had Mike trying to negotiate a contract to take Kristi back. To finally kill the story off, you put in the implausible epilogue. Story dead and buried. Your own stories have improved. Either stick to your own stuff or pick stories by authors no longer writing to finish off. Like FTDS did until his untimely disappearance. Please don't do something like this again. It was awful.

This is so tawdry, so badly written, so much filled with underlying sentimentality and cliche, that is should never have been posted. Jezzas story was tight, taut, and driven by character. This is mawkish, mundane should have been thrown in the garbage. Jezzaz, I'm blaming you for allowing this character to defile your brilliant story.

Wrong style, wrong characters, wrong plot, and wrong author. Rarely is anyones attempt to follow up on another authors story with an ending good for anything other than lining for a birdcage. Sadly, this is all your story is good for.

The most damning thing about this story is that it's so badly structured that, after reading a few comments where people describe things that happened I honestly couldn't tell if they were making those things up or if I'd honestly missed while sections of this story while trying to parse the awful dialogue and random switches in narrator.

Ignore whether this was a "fitting" sequel ( hint, it wasn't) or whether it makes any sense at all from the original story (it doesn't), it's also just terrible writing, pure and simple.

There are way too many indescrepencies in this story to account for reconciliation. The only way for this being even plausible is like one review stated that it was from the one character's delusional mind.

Something that some authors and /or producers for movies forget is that in sequels you need to keep the characters true to themselves otherwise the story falls apart and, will make no sense to the reader/viewer. And, this sequel really fell apart.

The original probably should have been left alone...

Beautiful ending. You captured the reality if a man who deeply loved his wife and was willing to take a chance on her. For the clinical background on Multiple Personality Disorder see my story "Please Understand Me".

You took literary license on the disorder, but you made it work.

Don't pay any attention to the nay-saying Anons. Ninety percent of them have never written anything but a grocery list and probably misspelled that.

Keep up the good writing.

I like your approach. No need to recast the personalities and retry the story. You picked a senario of character growth and how to work it that made a good story.

The characters are dramatically different from those in the original and the style and prose is so far removed from that of the original that I wish the original author of "Words" had not agreed for this to proceed.

That said, some stories have multiple sequels, some better, some worse. Thank you for your efforts in any case.

MFH

And would greatly love to read a sequel. Unfortunately, this is not it.

I had to stop halfway through, the dialogue is too formal and stilted, a good editor would be helpful.

The original this is a 'sequel' to is very well-written. This reads more like a quickly written first-draft. It isn't the same caliber of writing, which does something of a disservice to the original work. Proof-reading, taking time to rework the prose, dialog, etc. and/or getting input from an editor might have helped.

Doesn't work. Characters are different,behavior and personality.

Then the failure of writing. The english language is not something c1992w is familiar with to the degree necessary to maintain the continuity of the story. In fact, reading this really sucked! It was really hard work!

Gave your sequel 2*s. Did you suspect a poor reception, c1992w? Is that why you turned off the ratings? HA! Ha,Ha,ha...

AMerryman

After reading the original, why on earth would you want to take it in this direction? Multiple personalities?

The successful reconciliation is when

1. The cheating was not high level humuliating affair. (Long lasing time, reapeating, every friend, colleague, kid, relative know every details about the cheating, the spouse and the lover humuliated the inocent spouse, etc...)

2. The cheater is very remorseful and honest!

3. After the reconciliation the cheater spouse will NEVER cheat.

Every other case is RAAC!

hate these cuckold stories, this conclusion was to suck in all these guys. As soon as I realized he was going to see her once in a while, I stopped reading this shit. And that's what it is. Only a sick mind would do this.

Sorry but your ending does not work with the first story. Waste of time and words.

If you're going to write a sequel DON'T total change the personality of the characters!!!! Bull shit on her having a disorder. Her disorder was that she was a selfish slut!!

This story was completly out of context. Totally different characters as in Jezzaz story.

Absolutely, unequivocally, horrible.

I stopped reading after the first 1/2 page. The first paragraph alone set my teeth on edge.

Never, Never, Never try to copy an author when his writing skills are so much better than yours. You completely changed the tone and tenor of the characters within a few paragraphs.....it just doesn't work and I'm surprised the original author supported this.

It simply diminishes the previous work. You completely changed the characters, and even changed the boyfriends name once. And the three years later piece? Really? Why not add they won the lottery, Solved world hunger, and brought about peace on earth?

I don't mind a good reconciliation story. This was not one of them.

I was looking forward to reading this because I liked the first story so much. You changed the main characters into completely different people

they dont hurt until they hit. TK U MLJ LV NV

She fucked the guy for six months and knew what she was doing every fuck stroke.... PERIOD.... END OF EXCUSES. It was all about what SHE wanted... until it blew up in her face.

I wish these fucking authors would stop making men out to be wimps who'll put up with that shit and not have their hard-on wilt every time the bitch moans and makes them think of her making the same sounds while she was fucking the other guy. This was a piss poor excuse for a sequel. The original author fucked his own readers twice. Once by not writing one himself and twice by allowing someone else to foist a counterfeit piece of dogshit onto us.

I wanted so much to read a realistic evolution to a great story but this wasn't it. It may be that there is no way to reconcile the psychological void created by her perfidy and trying to change Mike's personality seems a shortcut to the reconciliation. Perhaps, taking more time and effort( a longer story) to evolve her dealing with her mental problem and Mike dealing with the understandable anger and trust issues would rescue the prose. Success is all about the quality of the ending.

I do appreciate your effort and thank you for sharing your talent with us.

they play with emotions and have the ability to harm, TK U MLJ LV NV

No doubt you write good storys but this sequel isn't even in the same leaugue as the original,it doesn't have the tension,the dialogues are so out of it it's like you are not even considering what happend in "Words",maybe a longer story about the two cheaters, keeping in mind hubbys predictions,would serve the story more

This was a nice try for a sequel but it just didn't work for me. In the original the guy did right by kicking the cheater out. Six months of cheating and confronting him thinking he should accept it. Way too much to overcome. Some stories are just not reconciliation stories. Thank you for trying.

From the moment I started reading I was cringing. This sequel not up to part with the original. Thanks for the try , but you really did change the main character to a wuss.

. . . your sequel fell flat. Thanks for the effort, though.

Man do you need an editor....James became Randy...Bellevue WA a suburb of Seattle became San Francisco? And many other grammatical and spelling errors.

Did you even re-read your own story before posting? And your ending just didn't flow with the original story....she took a pill to stop cheating and he took her back? And what about the 82 year old guy, where does he fit in? I do see some talent here so why not try another story with an editor and see where it goes. Thanks for trying

Multiple Personality Disorder? Seriously? As far as I know, that's a lot of Hollywood crap - at best it's extremely, extremely, rare. No one knows for sure if it's a real disorder or just a lot of psycho-babble nonsense. However, if it does exist, there's NO pill that can fix it.

It was a good effort I guess, but you might want to set your sights a little lower the next time you try to "finish" some other author's story. Jezzaz is an accomplished writer and a hard act to follow. Your characters were unlike those in the original, they appear flat, emotionless, and one-dimensional when compared to what Jezzaz set up. The pain incurred in the original story would not so easily be shrugged off. Mike's anger was at a fever pitch when they left and would undoubtedly continue to build in the short term, once he's taken more time to reflect on everything he learned that evening and the absolute, breathtaking humiliation she thought she could convince him to accept.

There is no quick fix, no pill to remove the stain of her betrayal, no trust that can be built in just a matter of months. Mike was the "winner" in the first story, in that he retained his self-respect and tossed the cheaters to the curb after first removing the rose-colored glasses they were both wearing. But make no mistake: Mike is also most assuredly the loser (as are the other two) because he's lost the wife he adored and their future together. This devastation will not be easily overcome and your story was taking great leaps and bounds towards a reconciliation that appears impossible at the end of the original. He's hardly had time to remove the knife from his back, let alone been given enough time for the wound to heal, if that's even possible.

That said, don't let anyone discourage you from writing. An editor would help immensely. Thanks for the effort.

Personally, I think the story would have been much better if we could see Mike beat the fuzz out of James one more time - and have Kristi's parents and family tell her what a complete and utter slut she has become. But that's just me.

You definitely need someone to edit your story..