Working Out Issues Ch. 09

"It's not really a sweater," I blurted, as if that was relevant, or helpful, "It's, um, it's like a knit..."

"Like a knit top?' Jeremy finished, "Like a woman's knit top, quite similar to the ones they sell at her store?"

I blushed and crossed my arms, as if I was trying to cover it up. It was far too late. And it was freezing, now, more than ever.

"Okay, weird coincidence," I said, "Maybe it's, like... a unisex top..."

"Totally!" said Jeremy. He seemed genuine, supportive, not interrogating me, just pressing for truth, "It totally could be. I mean, gender roles are so arbitrary anyway, aren't they?"

"...yeah," I said cautiously.

"Like," Jeremy looked in my eyes, "If I happen to have a friend, who was a guy, who liked to wear women's clothes, that would be completely okay. He wouldn't have to be ashamed of it at all."

"Okay. Cool," I said, I broke eye contact and looked up at the sky. The clouds were really pressing down on us now. They looked ready to burst, "Great. Cool. Open-minded of you."

"Thank you," said Jeremy, "Since we're talking about it, would that happen to be a situation that applies to you at all?"

"I don't know," I squirmed, "Maybe."

"Okay!" said Jeremy, "Like I said, that's completely okay. I mean, I borrow Sha's clothes sometimes. Who cares, right?"

"Yeah," I said, still stubbornly looking up at the sky, "Who cares?"

"Who cares," said Jeremy. He paused, "And, on the other hand, if I had a friend who was a girl, who had worn men's clothes her entire life because she thought she had to, and had only recently discovered that women's clothes felt more comfortable, that would also be completely cool and okay."

Would it?

"Okay," I whispered.

"Would that be a situation that you find relatable at all?"

The icy knot in my stomach twisted tighter.

"I don't know."

"Okay!" said Jeremy, "That's totally, totally fine. It's okay to be either of those things, or neither, or both, and it's so, so okay to not be sure."

"Okay," I whispered.

Above us, the dark, thick clouds seemed to roil in the sky. It struck me just how unbelievably fucking huge they were, their intense, looming weight, the hundreds of thousands of pounds of pressure they would bring down if they were all condensed into one spot. As I kept looking up, a tiny, glimmering snowflake drifted down in front of me, followed by another, then another.

I felt like I was standing on the edge of a yawning abyss. A chasm in my mind, one that had always been there, as much as I had tried to ignore it.

I looked at Jeremy.

"If I was... the second thing," I said quietly, "How would I know?"

Jeremy sighed, "I don't know. I'm sorry. I've never been there."

"Oh," I said. I looked at the ground. The dirty pavement was starting to be speckled with fallen snowflakes. A tear dripped down my cheek and joined them on the ground.

"When I was sixteen," Jeremy said softly, "I told the school counselor I thought I might be gay. Which was, stupid, really. I was gay. Of course I was gay. I had only ever wanted to be with guys, as long as I could remember. But I had never acted on it, and I had never told anyone, and a part of me always thought, maybe, you know? Maybe I was just... normal. And I don't know if I even wanted to be straight, or if I was just trying to protect myself from having to deal with all the bullshit I knew I was gonna get. But when I told the school counselor, that was the first time I'd ever said it out loud. And right then, when I said it... it finally just clicked. It was real. I knew."

I heard a low, rhythmical buzzing. Jeremy and I looked down, at his phone. The timer had just gone off.

"Five minutes are up," he said. He looked worried again, "I swear, I was telling the truth. If you want to forget about this whole conversation, we-"

"I'm a girl," I said.

Jeremy looked at me. A smile slowly spread across his face. I ignored it. Fuck. I had expected something when I said that, like his story, some innate sense that what I was saying was true, or false, but I felt... nothing.

"I'm a girl," I said again.

Oh. Oh shit. That did it.

All of a sudden I felt like bubbles were racing up my body. My eyes started welling up with tears. My knees were shaking. I clasped my hands to my face in shock.

"Jeremy!" I squeaked, "I'm a girl!"

"Holy shit!" he laughed. He jumped on me, hugging my shoulder, "Yes!"

"Oh my god! Oh my god. Wow. Okay," I forced myself to calm down, "Oh, wow. A lot of things are making sense now."

"Oh, I bet," said Jeremy. He squeezed my shoulder.

Memories started racing through my head. My Dress, wearing makeup, shaving my legs. I now realised what should have been insanely, blindingly obvious the whole time. Every time I did something to make myself look better, it hadn't just been about hiding my flaws, covering up my fatness. It hadn't even been about looking pretty. I had been... recontextualising my own body. I'm wearing girl clothes. I'm a girl. How did I not get that? Was I stupid?

Around us, the snow was falling faster. The heavy clouds above were shedding their weight, releasing their built-up pressure in a shimmering, crystalline shower.

I felt so, so happy. For some reason, all I wanted to do was run inside and share the news with Adam.

"Hey!" Jeremy blurted, "I was right! When I met you at the gym, I called you Miss! I was right! I knew it!"

I started giggling uncontrollably, "Oh my god. You fucking knew all along!"

Jeremy's smile turned serious, "Seriously though, Mel, I didn't. I made some assumptions, but I didn't really know anything. No one can possibly know what's going on in your head better than you do, Mel. When I said you can't let other people tell you what you are, that goes for me too, okay?"

I nodded, "No, yeah, totally. I think I knew, all along. I just needed a push."

Jeremy squeezed my shoulder again, "I'm so glad. Honestly, it was such a dick move for me to push you like that. And I really, really would have dropped it if you asked me to."

"I know," I smiled, "Thank you."

Jeremy smiled back, and he looked so earnest and happy, and I was so full of joy and adrenaline, that before I really knew what I was doing I kissed him.

He froze for a moment, surprised, then kissed me back. It was quick, and cute, and honestly pretty chaste compared to the way I used to kiss Adam. I didn't feel the same urge to keep going. But it was still very nice. Nice enough to confirm something else that had been bubbling under the surface. I liked dudes. I knew it wasn't part of the girl thing, it was a separate situation. But after having just fully accepted that I was transgender, accepting that I was bi suddenly didn't feel so terrifying.

Jeremy was still hugging my shoulder, looking at me. I blushed.

"Was that okay?" I asked, worried that I had crossed a line.

"It was fine," Jeremy shrugged, a wry smile on his face, "You're not really my type anymore."

I giggled and spun away across the snow.

"I know!" I sang out, "I'm a girl!"

Jeremy laughed, "I know! Hey, was that your first time kissing a guy?"

I stopped spinning and blushed redder, "Um. Kind of."

"Kind of?"

I shrugged guiltily. It felt wrong to count Adam, since they weren't romantic kisses. At least... they weren't supposed to be. Suddenly that knot in my stomach, which had briefly faded away when I came out, was back. Hard.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit.

There was a big difference between two straight guys helping each other out, and a bisexual trans girl tricking her hot male roommate into making her cum. I felt sick. I knew Adam had trust issues, I knew how important it was for him to have someone who wasn't just using him for his body, and I had fucking betrayed him. This whole time, he had done so much to help me accept myself, even if he hadn't realised it, and I had... I wanted to hit myself. I had made him jerk me off. I had made him taste my cum!

I hated myself even more when I realised that memory still turned me on.

"Mel?" said Jeremy, "Are you okay?"

I shook my head wordlessly.

"Is this... about Adam?" he asked.

"I can't... I can't tell him," I said. I tears prickled at my eyes again.

"Hey, hey," Jeremy hugged me, "It's okay. You don't have to tell anyone you don't want to tell. I won't either, I promise."

I hugged him back and nodded, sniffling into his shoulder.

"If you need a place to stay for a while, you can come to our place," Jeremy said.

"What if... what if our roommates are hooking up?" I said weakly, half-joking.

Jeremy sighed and rubbed my shoulder, "This isn't my place either, but... I don't think that's gonna happen."

I pulled back, "What? How come?"

Jeremy winced, "I really... I don't want to risk being wrong on this one. But I just don't think Adam is into her."

My stomach lurched.

"No!" I blurted, "No! This... Jeremy, this has to happen! Or, or what the fuck was any of this even for?"

"Mel-" Jeremy started, but I was already running back down the alley.

This had to happen. Adam needed to get a girlfriend. He had to. Because if he didn't, that would mean I fucked him over for nothing. It would mean I had taken everything he had given me and given him nothing in return. It would mean more late nights, alone in the apartment with him, both of us aching for affection. And I knew I would give it to him. I couldn't, it wasn't fair, it was taking advantage of him. But if I saw him, sitting in bed like he was last weak, looking so sad and lonely and... wanting me... how could I not go to him? How could I not kiss him?

I was so disgusted with myself I almost didn't realise Adam was right in front of me when I came through the door.

"Mel!" he said, "I was just coming to find you. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine!" I said, "I was just getting some fresh air. It's only been... upwards of five minutes."

Adam still looked worried. I wiped my eyes quickly.

"Are you sure everything's alright?" he asked.

"Yes," I said firmly, "Come on, let's go back to the table."

Adam sighed, "Actually, I think I'm gonna go home early. Tonight... wasn't really what I hoped it was gonna be."

He looked past me. I turned and saw Jeremy waiting cautiously at the door. I looked back to Adam. His jaw was clenched.

"Well we should at least finish dinner, right?" I protested, "We can't just ditch Ashanti and Jeremy-"

"Yeah, wouldn't wanna ditch Jeremy," he muttered.

"What?"

Adam sighed, "Nothing. I'm sorry. I'm just... not hungry. I'll see you at home."

He brushed past me and walked out the door. He didn't look at Jeremy when he passed him.

"What the fuck?" I said.

"Mel," said Jeremy, "I think you should follow him."

I hesitated. The last few times I had seen Adam in a mood like this, things had gone... too far. I wanted to be there for him, but I wasn't sure if I could trust myself.

But I couldn't just leave him.

I bit my lip and followed Adam into the snowy streets. He had a head start, and longer legs, and, okay, moving fast was still not exactly my forte. I caught up to him after about half a block.

"Adam, stop," I pleaded, "My leg's cramping up."

Adam sighed and slowed down. I hobbled up to him. My leg really was cramping. Probably a combination of the sudden cold weather, and my... unorthodox workout this morning.

"Oof," I steadied myself against him and rubbed my sore leg, "Okay. Thank you. Can you please tell me what's going on, bro?"

"Nothing," said Adam, "It's stupid. I just wanna go home, dude."

I stood up. Ow. Mistake. Adam started walking again, head down, hands in his coat pockets.

"Bro," I said, "Did Ashanti say something to you?"

"No," he said, "Ashanti's great. Believe it or not, she's a really good listener."

"Well that's good!" I started limping after him, careful not to slip in the fresh snow, "What did you guys talk about?"

"We were talking about weird dates, and I told her I hadn't been on any for a while," he said, "Then she asked me if it was because I had someone special in my life, and I said..."

"What?" I asked.

"Never mind," Adam started walking faster.

I filled in the gaps in my head. Adam must have felt pressured to talk about how he hadn't been with a girl in two years. My heart ached. That must have been really embarrassing. I wanted to give him a hug, but i knew I shouldn't. Also, he was walking really fast. I hobbled after him quickly. He slowed down for me.

"But you had a whole conversation with an actual girl who was into you!" I said, "In a... date-like setting. That's really good progress, right?"

"I guess," said Adam, "But she could tell I was distracted, because I was busy thinking about you and..."

"What?" I asked.

"Never mind," he said, and picked up the pace again.

Damn it! I knew that bailing on dinner would make Adam worried. But how was he meant to bond with Ashanti if I was there the whole time?

I gritted my teeth and tried to catch up by walking normally. Ow. Ow. It kind of worked if I kept my leg super straight like a robot. Ow.

"She wasn't too mad when you left, was she?" I asked, "Like, she still likes you, right?"

"No, yeah, she's great, man," said Adam, "Actually, she was the one who said I should go after you. She said I should just tell you..."

"What?" I asked.

Adam stopped and looked at me. He opened his mouth like he was gonna say something, then blushed and started walking fast again.

Oh no. Was he that pissed at me?

I gave up on the robot walk and tried to chase after him while hunched over, rubbing my cramped up leg. I probably looked like a crazy mutant crab-man - crab-woman! - but it was working.

"Tell me what, Adam?" I asked.

"Never mind!" he said, flustered.

"Dude! Tell me!" I said.

"No!" he protested, "It... it's stupid, dude. It's just..."

"What? Tell me! I won't make fun of you, I promise!" I said.

"No, I know," he said, "I just... I can't. I can't."

He sped up again. I scurried after him like a demented goblin.

"Adam! Just tell me bro!" I said.

He looked over his shoulder, and burst out laughing when he saw what I was doing. I grabbed him by the wrist while he was off guard.

"There!" I said triumphantly, "Now you can't get away."

He smiled, "Yeah. I guess you caught me."

"That's right," I said, getting right up in his face, "And I'm not letting go until you tell me what you wanted to say."

We were so close our faces were nearly touching. I could see the pinkness spread through his cheeks as he blushed.

"I can't," he whispered, "It's too... I'm too scared."

He really was, I realized. I could feel his pulse racing, feel the warm air against my face as his breathing quickened. God. I just wanted to hold him close to my chest until all his fears and anxieties faded away. Almost without thinking I found myself stretching up on my tiptoes. Adam's lips parted slightly...

No! No! Stupid, selfish asshole! I pulled back, stepped away. If Adam was too scared then I had to be the brave one. I had to lead by example.

"Adam," I said, with a confidence I wasn't sure I really possessed, "I want to start dating."

His eyes widened, "Wait. Really?"

"Yes," I said firmly, "I think I'm ready."

"You mean, like," Adam hesitated, "Like... you and me?"

"Yes!" I said, "You and me, exactly!"

Thank god! I knew he was ready, he just needed a push! I was so glad we were on the same page!

And I could tell Adam was happy about it too. Oh my god, really happy. I had expected him to be more hesitant but he was smiling more than I had ever seen him before. He wrapped me up in a big hug.

I squealed, "Adam! I didn't expect you to be this excited about it!"

"Of course I am," he laughed. He pulled back and just looked at me. He looked like he was so happy he was gonna burst. Oh my god, he had tears in his eyes! "I... I wanted to tell you, I was just... just scared."

"Oh wow," I said, "Dude, I had no idea."

He wiped the tears away from his eyes, "I'm sorry. It's stupid, I know."

"No," I said, "It's okay. It's my fault. I'm sorry, I felt like I wasn't ready."

He nodded, "I get it, I totally get it."

"But, Adam, these past few months with you have been so amazing," I said.

He nodded quickly, "I know. So amazing. You're amazing."

"And I feel like it's made me feel so much more confident, and sure of myself, and... happy, you know?"

Adam squeezed me tightly, "I know. Me too. The past couple months have been the happiest I've ever been in my life, dude."

"And, all the stuff we did together..." I took a deep breath, "As friends. I really liked doing it with you. But I think I'm ready for the real thing now."

Adam nodded again, wiping away more tears, "Yes! Yes, me too. I'm so ready."

I felt a nervous twinge. Something seemed... off. I was really glad that Adam was excited, and I felt a little guilty that his concern for me had apparently been holding him back when he had actually been ready to date again for a while. But his reaction seemed a little strange. I tried to pick my words really carefully, to make sure there was no way he could misinterpret what I was saying.

"I'm ready for a real relationship," I said, "Like, a proper, official, romantic relationship. Not just the two of us fooling around as friends. Cause I liked it, Adam. I really liked it. But I'm ready to take the next step. And I want you to take it with me."

Adam grinned, "I want to, Mel. I want to take that step with you. More than anything."

I took a deep breath. Awesome. And yet, I felt that knot in my stomach again. That selfish, jealous feeling was back. This was what I had wanted, the whole time: Adam feeling excited and ready to start dating again. And yet, now that I was faced with that reality, I almost regretted it. No more kisses. No more snuggling in bed when we were feeling lonely. No more early morning cuddles while we made breakfast together.

But this was what was right for Adam. I had to do it. And, I decided, I had to come clean. He deserved to know.

"Adam," I said, "There's something else I have to tell you."

He could hear the seriousness in my voice, and he looked at me with concern, "Of course, dude. What's up?"

"I was talking to Jeremy," I said, "And... and, he helped me realize some things about myself..."

Adam rubbed my biceps supportively, "Okay. Whatever it is, dude, I'm here for you."

I steadied myself. Just rip off the bandaid.

"I like guys," I said.

Adam looked at me, confused.

"...yeah," he said.

"And I'm transgender," I said, almost rushing through it, "I'm a girl. At least, I am inside. And I always have been, and I should have realized it, but I didn't, or I was trying to suppress it, but it was there. The whole time we were together, I wasn't just some straight dude experimenting or whatever, I was a bi girl, and I'm so sorry, I should have..."

"Hey!" said Adam, and the confused look disappeared from his face, replaced with absolute certainty, "Mel, it's okay. You have nothing to be sorry for. You are an amazing, wonderful, incredible person. And I'm so proud of you, and I want to support you however I can, and this doesn't change the way I feel about you at all. I love you, Mel. No matter what. I love you."

My heart soared. I started crying happy tears too, matching the ones still streaked down Adam's face. How was he so perfect?

"I love you too, bro," I smiled.

Adam hugged me tightly, then leaned forward. For a second I was confused, and then I realized.

He was trying to kiss me.

I jerked away, "Whoa! What are you doing?!"

Adam froze, "Um... kissing my girlfriend?"

"WHAT?!"

"I... wait..." Adam stammered, "Oh, shit. Not in public?"

"Not ever!" I shrieked, "Adam, what the fuck? Girlfriend?"

He shrank back, "I'm sorry! I don't... is it different for transgender girls, or-"