Working Out Issues Ch. 09

"Adam, we're not a couple!"

"But..." he looked stricken, "But I thought... you wanted to start dating..."

"Other people!" I said, "I wanted us to start dating other people! How was that not clear?"

"But... you said... the past few months..."

"Yeah, they helped me get more confident!" I said, "Confident enough to go and ask someone out!"

Adam stumbled away and fell back against the wall.

"No," he whispered, "No, no, no."

He slowly sank down to the ground, clasping his face in his hands.

"Adam," I said slowly. How had I fucked this up so badly? I tried to control my breathing, talk calmly, kindly, instead of screaming and freaking out at myself, "Adam, dude. Think about it. You don't want to date me, right?"

Adam looked up at me. He had tears in his eyes again, but they weren't happy tears this time. He was hunched at the base of the wall. The snow must have been soaking into his slacks but he didn't even seem to notice.

"I do. I do," he said desperately, "Mel, please."

"No!" I said, "Adam! You don't! You could be with anyone!"

"I want to be with you!" he said, "Why would I want to be with anyone else?"

"Because I suck!" I yelled, "Adam I suck! I'm a fucking shit person! I'm selfish, and greedy, and jealous, and lazy and weak and FAT! And I didn't even know I was a fucking girl until twenty minutes ago!"

"I don't care!" Adam yelled tearfully, "I don't care if you're a girl, or a boy, and I definitely don't care if you're fat! Why would I care if you're fat? I'm in love with you!"

The falling snow should have deadened the sound, but what Adam said seemed to ring in the air around us for ages.

"I'm in love with you," he said again.

I felt a million different emotions whirling around inside me, like snowflakes in a blizzard, but I pushed them all down and did what I knew was right.

"I think we should stop seeing each other," I said quietly, "Our lease runs out in a couple of months, so I can keep paying my half of the rent while I stay with someone else. Then you can find another roommate."

"Mel, no," Adam pleaded, "We can... we can keep being roommates! I don't have to be your boyfriend, I can just keep being your... your sweet-"

"Adam, no," I said, trying not to let my voice break, "This has to stop. I'm not gonna keep weighing you down like this."

"You're not," Adam pleaded, "Mel, you lift me up! Mel, you-"

"Adam, stop!" I said. His voice trailed off, and he looked up at me, eyes still awash with tears, breathing shakily. I looked away and continued, "I'm gonna grab some clothes, and then I'm gonna sleep at a friend's house tonight."

"It's Jeremy, isn't it?" mumbled Adam.

I sighed, "Yeah. He saw that I was freaking out after we kissed, and he said I could stay with him if I needed."

In a tiny voice, Adam whispered, "You kissed?"

I bit my lip. Fuck. I could always count on myself to say exactly the wrong fucking thing every time.

"It's not like that," I said, "It was just one kiss, after I came out. Just as friends, you know? Friends kiss sometimes."

Adam laughed hollowly, "Yeah. I guess they do."

I winced. Way to go, dipshit.

"I'm sorry, Adam," I said, "You're a really, really good guy. You just deserve to be with someone who's good enough for you."

Adam got to his feet and reached for me. I flinched when his hands touched my shoulders.

"Then stay," he said, "Please, Mel. Please stay."

My whole body ached. Worse than my cramped leg. Worse than the pain after my first Michelle Champion work out. Worse than seeing Adam on a date with another woman. Say yes, Mel. Just say yes, and you can be his. You can be his girlfriend, and he could be your boyfriend, and you could be so, so, happy together.

Until he realizes what a terrible person you are. Until he realizes how happy he could be with a girl who goes out to clubs, and does squats without freaking out, and has a pussy, and doesn't take advantage of him. Until he realizes that there are millions and millions of people who are better than you, simply because they aren't you.

Or maybe he'll never realize, and you'll trap him forever, and he'll just spend the rest of his life with you leeching away at him, never feeling the happiness that he deserves.

Just say yes.

"I can't," I whispered, "I'm sorry. Do you think you could give me half an hour before you come home?"

Adam let go of me. He looked broken. For the first time, his body, so huge and muscular and perfect, looked weak.

"Yeah," he said, "I'll go to the gym."

He looked at me one last time, just long enough for me to see the hurt in his eyes, then turned and walked into the night.