Working Out Issues Ch. 10

To come join him, I corrected myself. Come on, dude! I didn't even know that this is what Mel wanted. And even if he did, that didn't mean he wanted it with me. Just because we made out once didn't mean he was into me.

"I don't know if she would be willing to wear that," I said, blushing.

"But if she did," Ashanti teased, "Super hot, right?"

My imaginary Mel ran a gloved finger down my chest, seductively licking her lips.

"I mean, I'll buy it, I said quickly, "Just in case. But she's already super hot."

"Oh my god," Ashanti giggled, "You're literally the best boyfriend ever, you know that, right?"

I blushed, "I guess that's what I want to be."

I stumbled and nearly fell off the treadmill. Fuck! Dress shoes weren't designed for running. I turned off the machine and stepped away. My heart was pounding now, but it still wasn't enough to distract me from how I felt.

Mel finally built up the confidence to tell me she was a girl. That was amazing. That was so, so awesome. I had never had to do something that terrifying. And instead of being there for her, I fucking ruined it. I ruined it by giving into my own feelings. I wanted to be with her so much I had ignored all the signs that she didn't feel the same way.

I felt sick to my stomach. Okay then. I dropped to the floor and started doing crunches.

Of course she didn't feel the same way. She had so much going on in her own life, figuring out her identity, getting in shape, making new friends, getting promoted. What did I have to offer her? I was stuck in stasis. My whole life revolved around the gym. I was just a tool that she used to help improve herself, and she paid me back by putting up with my neediness and pathetic insecurity.

How the fuck did I ever convince myself that she would want to go out with me?

It was Saturday night. I had just had an incredibly shitty day. First I let that sales lady talk me into buying a bunch of clothes Mel didn't want. Then our trip to the gym, which should have been awesome, ended up being... awful. I was so sure Mel was ready to try lifting weights, he had made so much progress! He had the strength, he just needed to believe he was capable of it. But once again I had totally failed to help him see that. I ended up totally freaking him out, and even though he said he was ready to try again, I could tell he was really embarrassed. Then Kevin passed out trying to beat his PB, and by the time we woke him up, Mel had ditched me for some smug asshole with perfect hair.

When I got home I had tried to play one of his video games. It was stupid, but I thought maybe if I got good at it, we could hang out together more, and he would see that I was more than just some dumbass gym bro. But I couldn't do it. The more I tried, the dumber I felt. Then Mel got home, and we almost got in a fight, and I stormed off to bed feeling completely worthless.

Like an idiot, I had let myself start fantasizing about me and Mel being together. But it was pretty obvious that was never gonna happen.

And then...

I was sitting in bed, trying to wrap my head around what had just happened. Mel had come back to my room, wearing a nightie, looking... fucking incredible. And then he had given me the sexiest, most fulfilling, wonderful, amazing, heartwarming, tender sexual experience of my life. For a while I had been worried about my attraction to Mel. I didn't know if it meant I was gay, or bi, or maybe it was different if it turned out he really was transgender? I didn't care anymore. I didn't need to know. I didn't need a label, because now the only person I wanted to be with was Mel.

I was pretty sure I was in love with him.

Okay, that's a lie. I knew I was in love with him.

Mel came back into the bedroom. His wet hair was wrapped in a towel, and he was wearing one of his old video game t-shirts. Now that he wasn't all dressed up, and I wasn't feeling horny, he somehow looked even more beautiful. My vision wasn't being warped by lust. I just saw the guy I loved.

He climbed into bed and his shirt rode up a little, giving me a glimpse of his panties. My dick twitched. Okay. Maybe there was still a little lust going on.

I wanted to kiss him again, and cuddle with him, and whisper 'I love you's into his ear until we both fell asleep. But I couldn't do it. What if he freaked out? I couldn't risk it. Couldn't risk losing him.

"Hey, bro," I said softly, "I really hope this doesn't ruin our friendship, or..."

"No way," said Mel, "I was just helping you out."

Okay. That was okay! We talked some more as we snuggled in together, and it really seemed like Mel was fine with everything. But that was it. I tried to control my breathing. Okay. Maybe he wasn't in love with me like I was in love with him. That was okay. Maybe he would get there, if I tried to play it cool, and didn't push him too fast, and didn't say anything stupid and ruin things.

"Hey Adam," Mel murmured, "Do you want to go out for dinner next Friday?"

My heart quickened. Was he... was he asking me out?

"Wait," I said, "Are you being serious?"

"Yeah, just like a casual thing," he said, "And, y'know, if we happened to see anyone we know they could tag along or whatever."

Okay. Just a casual thing. That was okay. But maybe... maybe he was just playing it cool? Maybe this was the first date before the first date. Maybe when we were getting dinner, it would be really romantic, and we would, like, kiss each other out in public, where everyone could see, and then he would ask me to be his boyfriend.

And then I would be his boyfriend. We would be boyfriends. I would be Mel's boyfriend, and we could go to the gym together, and we could cuddle every night, and I could introduce him to my parents, and we could kiss all the time, and when we met people he would be like, hi, I'm Mel, and this is Adam, he's my boyfriend.

I hugged Mel tight, hoping he couldn't hear my heart racing.

"That'd be sick, dude," I said, "I'm definitely down."

"Good," he yawned. Oh my god. How was he so cute? "Good night, sweet prince."

"Good night, beautiful princess," I said.

I clenched my eyes shut, squeezing my head between my fists as I kept pounding out crunches. Fuck! It wasn't a date! Of course it wasn't a date! Why the fuck would it be a date! Idiot! Stupid fucking idiot!

I rolled over and got to my feet. This late at night, the gym was practically deserted. The only people I passed were Kevin, who was preparing to start deadlifts, and Dilruk, who was trying to stop him.

"Adam!" Dilruk said as I passed, "You good, man?"

"Thought you had that date tonight, dude," said Kevin, "What happened?"

I didn't respond. I just walked over to a punching bag and started hitting it. Each strike was like a hammer blow into my own heart.

I had never fantasized about anyone's dick before. Even when I fantasized about Mel, which I did all the time, his dick never really entered the picture. But now, seeing it in real life, it was the hottest thing I had ever seen. It was so... cute, just like the rest of her. It was so small and smooth and hard, and it was hers, and I was going to make her feel so good with it.

I had given up on thinking of Mel as a guy. It was just so against everything I saw when I looked at her. Seeing her in the dress was the final blow. She looked so happy, and confident, and even more perfect than she had as a guy. This was who she was meant to be, I could tell. I was pretty sure that tonight at dinner, she was going to come out. And I would be really supportive, and she would realize that I had been there for her all along, and then...

I wrapped my fingers gently around her dick. It felt so warm, and so sexy. Nobody else got to touch her like this. That thought thrilled me.

"Adam," she whined, "You don't have to do this."

"Hey," I said softly. I moved up so I could look in her eyes. She peeked nervously between her fingers. God, she was so adorable. Like a kitten. My little sex kitten. I definitely didn't say that shit out loud. Instead, I stroked her cheek and told her, "I want this."

She took a deep breath and I saw that flash of resolve in her eyes that was always there when she made her mind up to try something scary. Oh my god, I loved her. She moved her hands away from her face. I kissed her softly as I began rocking my hand up and down her dick, trying to be as gentle as possible. She moaned and shivered beneath me. She was so fucking sexy. This felt so right! I fought down the urge to tell her I loved her. Maybe I was thinking it so loud that she heard it anyway, cause she blushed, and giggled. I laughed too, almost feeling giddy with happiness. I started kissing her cheeks and her neck, stroking her faster and faster. Part of me wanted to go down on her, taste her in my mouth, but more than that I wanted to be there for her in case she got scared again.

"Adam," she whined, "I'm really close."

I smirked and copied her, "Yessssss."

She laughed breathlessly and kissed me. I kissed her back, slipping my tongue into her mouth, and she sucked on it greedily. I tried to move my hand faster, smoother, coaxing her to the edge. I decided, right then. Tonight, when we went on our date, no matter what happened, I was gonna ask her to be my girlfriend. Or boyfriend, if she wasn't ready for that. I didn't care. I just wanted to be her boyfriend. I wanted to feel this close, this intimately connected, every single day.

"Who am I, Mel?" I asked.

"You're my sweet prince," she gasped.

"Who are you, Mel?"

"I'm your beautiful... Ohhh!"

She moaned and shuddered. I felt her dick pulsing in my hand, and for some reason my first thought was to try and protect her dress. I had almost ruined her nightie when I blasted her the other night. I quickly moved my hand down and gently milked the last of her cum into my cupped palm. She sighed and relaxed back onto the sofa.

I sat back on my heels and just watched her for a couple minutes. Her dress was all askew, and her hair was all over the place, and she was sweaty as hell. She was the sexiest thing I'd ever seen. She opened her eyes and smiled at me, and my heart melted. She looked so happy and peaceful and content. Then she looked at my cupped hands and smirked.

"Don't waste the protein, bro," she said.

My face burned. I slammed the punching bag harder. Fuck! What had she been thinking when she saw me do that? Licking up her cum from my hands like a lovesick fucking puppy. It must have taken all of her restraint to not burst out laughing at how totally fucking pathetic I was.

The worst part is, I knew it was funny. I had mostly been joking. But it had also genuinely felt really hot. That was one of the things I liked the most about being with Mel, the way we could go from joking around, to being emotionally vulnerable, to raw physical passion, and it never felt weird or forced or anything. She was my best friend, and my dream girl, and the love of my life, all rolled into one.

I punched the bag harder and harder. All the muscles in my body were screaming at me now. The blood was pounding in my ears. Idiot! Fucking loser! Memories started flashing through my mind. The sleepy joy I felt waking up in the morning and seeing Mel next to me. The disappointment I felt when I realized we weren't gonna have our date. The fear and excitement I felt when I confessed to Ashanti at dinner, and she told me to go tell Mel the truth.

"I'm in love with you," I said.

Mel looked away, "I think we should stop seeing each other."

I yelled and smashed my fists into the bag. My knuckles were bleeding now. It was all over. She was gone. I pulled away from the bag and started punching myself in the face. It hurt, bad. I did it again. It was what I deserved.

"Yo! Adam! What the fuck!"

My arms were pulled away from my face, and I was dragged over to a bench. Dilruk and Kevin sat me down. They stared at me in shock. I started crying.

Dilruk looked at Kevin, "Fuck, bro."

"I don't think the date went well," said Kevin.

They sat down on either side of me. For a while we just sat there, until I finished crying. Then we sat there some more in silence. Neither of them said anything, or acted like they were getting sick of waiting. We just sat there together staring out across the empty gym.

After a while, I started talking. I told them the whole story. I didn't know how they were gonna take it, but I kind of didn't care. If it made them think less of me, I guess that was fair enough. I finished talking, and they let the story hang in the air for a while.

"Fuck, bro," Dilruk said at last.

"That's fucked," Kevin agreed.

"Yeah," I muttered.

Dilruk patted me on the shoulder, "It's not your fault, man."

"Yeah, man," said Kevin, "You did all you could."

I looked at them, "Man, were you listening? I fucking ruined things."

Kevin shrugged, "I dunno, bro. Sounds like she has her own shit going on."

"Legit," Dilruk nodded, "Self-hatred, man. Denial. Body dysmorphia. I mean, I don't wanna project or anything. But that's what it sounds like man. Shit's fucked."

I sighed. They were right. I knew Mel had a lot of her own issues to deal with. But if she had only been able to see herself the way I saw her...

"I should've helped her, man," I said, "What was the point of everything if I couldn't even help her?"

Kevin put his arm around my shoulders.

"You did good, bro," he said, "You know how you're meant to treat depression? Eat better, exercise, spend time with loved ones. You gave her all of that. Only other thing she can do is go to therapy. Maybe get some medication."

"I mean, if she's depressed," said Dilruk.

"I'm not saying she's depressed, man," said Kevin, "I'm just saying, she's got some deep-seated shit going on. And Adam gave her the support and the foundation to try and confront it herself. And it sounds like it helped. I mean, she realized she was trans, right? That's big, dude."

"I guess," I muttered, "I don't really know."

"Nah, dude, that's huge," said Dilruk, "My sister's a lesbian, so. I kinda get it."

"Not the same thing, man," said Kevin.

We sat in silence again. Dilruk put his arm around my shoulders too. I sighed. It was nice. But it was nothing like hugging Mel.

"Do you think she hates me?" I asked.

Dilruk chuckled a little, "Based on that story, I'm pretty sure she loves you, man."

"Yeah," said Kevin, "Kinda sounded like it. She just needs time to figure her own shit out."

"What if she doesn't?" I asked, "What if she needs my help?"

Kevin sighed, "I don't think you can help her right now, dude."

"Yeah," said Dilruk, "It's like recovering from an injury. You can't go right back to the same exercises."

He looked at Kevin pointedly.

"I'm easing into it, man," Kevin protested, "Anyway. It sounds like she has a good support structure. Those friends you were talking about, the gay dude and the girl who talks a lot? She's gonna stay with them, right?"

"Yeah," I said.

"Yeah," said Kevin, "They'll help her get through it. And then... who knows, man."

I looked at the floor.

"Hey," said Dilruk, "If you're looking for something to take your mind off it, this just came in."

He handed me a recruitment flyer for some new "Fitness Modelling" company. I stared at it blearily.

"I know you're not into modelling and shit," he said, "But it's kinda different. They run workshops and stuff, for corporate events. I've done a couple jobs with them. They're good, bro. Might keep you distracted."

I thought about it. Right now, anything that kept me away from home sounded good. It was going to feel so empty without Mel there. I had been approached about modelling gigs before, but I had always turned them down. I couldn't handle being objectified like that. But... fuck it. Why not? Being strong to be useful had failed when it came to helping the one person in my life who actually needed it. Might as well put my hot body to use.

"I'll try it," I said, "I don't have anything else going on."

"Dope, dude," Dilruk said solemnly, "Could be good for you."

"How about you, Kevin?" I asked, kinda just going through the motions.

"Nah, bro," said Kevin, "My day job keeps me pretty busy."

"What do you do?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I curate an art gallery."

I looked at Kevin. We never really hung out outside the gym, and we didn't usually talk about personal stuff. I guess this explained the one time he kept talking about Monet while he was spotting me on the bench. Kevin shrugged.

"Huh," I said.

"Hidden depths, man," said Dilruk, "I thought he was a fucking dumbass too. Turns out he's only a dipshit when it comes to his own body. First impressions aren't always right."

"I guess not," I said.

Dilruk and Kevin got up and went back to continue working out. I sat there for a while longer. Deep down, I knew they were right. But it still hurt, thinking about what I had lost. Was it worth it? If I could go back in time, before I had fallen in love with Mel, would I tell myself not to bother?

How far back would I have to go?

"Adam!" Mel moaned.

I put down the saucepan I was holding and poked my head into the kitchen. I had only known Mel for two weeks, but I already kinda liked him. He was thoughtful, and clever, and he always helped with the dishes even if they were all just from me doing meal prep, He also had a wicked sense of humor, even if most of his jokes were pretty harsh on himself.

"What's up?" I asked.

Mel pointed with an embarrassed smile on his face. He had dropped his X-Box remote under the sofa. I laughed. I could tell he felt kinda silly asking for my help, but, hey, that's what muscles were for. I lifted up the end of the couch so he could retrieve it. Georges Hébert would be proud.

"Thanks," Mel mumbled, and bent down to get it.

For a second, as he bent down, the light caught him in just the right way, and my breath stopped. He brushed his hair away from his face and bit his lip, then looked up at me.

I had never noticed how bright and blue his eyes were, or the way his hair caught the light like a river of gold, or that he actually had a great ass. Mel was staring. I had to pick something to say. Not about his ass!

"Hey Mel, don't take this the wrong way," I said. I saw him wince, "But you've got great hair."

"What?" he asked. I saw a tiny glimmer of a smile, a little flush of pink in his cheeks. Shit. Was he... was he kinda cute? I tried to push that thought out of my head.

"Yeah, bro." I said, trying to play it off, lean into the gym bro thing, "Do you use a special shampoo, or... I dunno, is it just natty?"

Mel blushed, and giggled. And at that point, it was too late.