You Left Me a Long, Long Time Ago

She did not sound convinced and I have to confess I wasn't convinced myself. Then she hit me with the big one.

"Look, Honey, I can't do this again. I know you're a good lawyer and you've got a lot of pressure to do well, but you've got me to consider. I'm not some prima donna demanding everything go my way all the time but if we're going to be a couple, then we've got to be a couple. And that means we are together. We don't have to do everything together but spending days and nights apart in the same house, well, that's not a couple."

I admitted she was right and promised to talk with the big guys. When I told them about my situation, they appeared surprised. Jenkins was a bachelor and had never had a spouse to deal with and Thomas was a bit cavalier about the whole thing. After talking with him I wondered what his wife and home life must be like. They both wanted me to continue to work hard and dangled the partnership in front of me. I was honored by their faith in me but was concerned about how it might all play out in the end.

For the next several months things went well between Jess and me. We settled back into our same lifestyle including our little TGIF sessions and the weekends were strictly for us. I still worked late on many nights but she understood and accepted that, so long as we were together for the whole weekend. We took a couple of trips, one to Hawaii for a week and another to little ski lodge in British Columbia. I admit the skiing sucked due to bad snow conditions but we made up for it by spending quality time together in bed.

Her work was going well. She was still sent on assignments from her firm but they were usually for a few days and never impacted our weekends together. I admit when she was gone, I would work extra late trying to get ahead of the ever-increasing pile of paperwork.

Then it happened. I fucked up. I fucked up royally. It was another big case, this time a criminal case to which I was appointed co-counsel with Mr. Thomas. I was proud to have been chosen but I knew it would be a huge time-suck. Somehow, I naively believed I was smart enough I could take care of everything and not impact the home situation. I was wrong. And in retrospect, I should have declined the appointment but I was so intimidated by my bosses that I could not turn them down. At home I downplayed the news and mentioned only I would be a little busier than usual. I tried to do it all on the weeknights, really, I did. I even got up earlier to do some of the work before leaving for the office.

I sensed Jess knew I was struggling but she never confronted me on it. We still had our weekends together and superficially, everything was hunky-dory. But I was slowly sinking in the paperwork. It was one Saturday morning when she slept in that I pulled my computer out and logged onto the firm's site. I thought I would do a few little things while she was asleep and log off when I heard her get up.

"What are you doing?"

The cold words startled me. I had not heard her get up and when she walked up behind me, there was no way I could hide what I was doing.

"Just a little paperwork while you were sleeping. No big deal."

"Ah, it is a big deal because we had a deal. Dammit, Theo, we had a deal!"

Her voice was more strident with each word and I knew things were going to get ugly. I tried to reassure her I was still there for her on the weekend but she felt my mind would be distracted and I therefore was not 'there for her' at all. On our previous episode she had been hurt but now she was angry and was not appeased with all my reassurances and promises. Needless to say, the rest of the weekend was fairly unpleasant. She declined to go out that evening and took a long bath before going to bed early. It was clear sex was off the table. She was a little warmer on Sunday and I hoped it would all pass over.

Well, it didn't. For the next weeks I felt like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. The waiting, however, was nearly unbearable. We talked about little things like who was shopping for groceries and the latest episode of our favorite TV show. Sex was not nearly as fun, frequent or sensual and it was as if we were going through the motions. I tried, I tried hard, to break through to her, to get her back on track and even though she superficially seemed to, I could tell deep down she wasn't the same person. Eventually I quit trying and once I did, I knew it was over and sooner or later, we would split.

When the paperwork became overwhelming, I didn't even try to hide it anymore. I brought it home and stayed up late working on it and eventually I would spend hours on the weekends tackling it as well. Any time she saw it, the temperature in the room would drop forty degrees and she would quit talking to me for the rest of the day. We did not scream and shout, we did not throw things and we did not fight. We simply let the air slowly seep out of the ever-flattening tire.

The trial was a success. Mr. Thomas was beyond ecstatic and bragged on me and my contributions to everyone in the office but I was unable to even talk about it at home. About a week after the trial was over, Jess casually asked about how it was going. When I told her it had been successful, she got pissed I hadn't told her. I tried to reassure her I did not want to burden her with more of my work issues but it apparently was not the answer she wanted.

That following Friday, she begged out of our TGIF celebration and instead went to a movie with one of her work buddies. I was asleep when she came home but when she crawled into bed with me, I could smell the alcohol on her breath. I was surprised as I had never seen her drink heavily.

The next morning, I got up early and did some chores around the place while I waited for her to wake up. I figured she needed to sleep after her drinking the night before. Around eleven I was getting a little concerned but relaxed when I heard her in the shower. Twenty minutes later she came into the living room with two suitcases and her large tote bag.

"Good-bye, Theo. I'll be back tomorrow around two with a couple of friends to get my bigger stuff. I would appreciate it if you would be gone at that time. I'll leave the key on the counter."

And that was it. No screaming, no yelling, no tears. I was not even surprised since she had emotionally checked out of the relationship weeks earlier. I nodded yes and gave her a big, warm hug while whispering in her ear, "I'm so, so sorry. You have every reason to hate me."

"I don't hate you. I love you. It's just that we can't live together, not with you being married to your job. Take care, Theo."

And she was gone.

-----

Today might be the day that you walked away,

But you left me a long, long time ago.

-----

I was not surprised she left, indeed I felt she had checked out of the relationship weeks earlier. The signs had all been there but it was still devastating. I barely functioned for the next few days and even took a couple of days off from work to try and pull myself together. I told Mr. Thomas about my situation and was somehow not surprised when he simply shrugged as if it were no big deal and started talking about a new case he had. I had no contact from Jess after the morning she left and I found myself wanting to call her several times a day but I knew it would not be well accepted. Eventually, I deleted her number so as not to be tempted.

The surprising thing about the whole situation was my attitude about work. Suddenly, I simply didn't give a shit about the firm anymore and realized I no longer wanted to be a partner there. I still liked being a lawyer but somehow the pressure cooker legal world had lost its luster. One day I was sitting at my desk staring out the window when my secretary Julie walked in. She was a smart woman in her early forties, mother to a couple of great kids and wife of a hard-working paramedic.

"Ted, is it Jess or is there something more going on in that head of yours?"

"Both, I guess."

"Can I give some motherly advice? Well, too bad," she responded after I shook my head, "I'm giving it anyway. First, you'll get over Jess. Eventually, but not right away. Time heals everything, yada, yada, yada."

"Yeah, I know. But I, but she was the first and only woman I've ever truly loved."

"And I'm sorry for you. However, here's the bigger recommendation. You're not happy here. You've done well, made the right moves, you're successful but this place isn't for you."

"But what would I do if I left?"

"You're smart and a damn good lawyer. You'll land on your feet."

"The next firm may be just as bad."

"Well, then go solo. Be your own boss. Set your own schedule. But don't sit here any longer wasting your life away in a situation you don't like and which helped ruin your life."

That little conversation blew fresh air on the smoldering embers of my discontent. I kicked around what it might be like to be on my own. I could not expect to do big cases but maybe I could help regular people like that first fellow I represented years before. And there were plenty of people who needed a will or help with simple legal issues such as divorce or property disputes. At my bank I got a promise for a signature loan to help me get started and found a little storefront office near my townhouse.

When I told Jenkins and Thomas about my decision, they were surprisingly accommodating. They were used to junior partners and associates coming and going and they both wished me the best. I was offered a modest termination payment in recognition of my work on those two big cases and we shook hands on an informal arrangement of mutual referrals. They would send me smaller cases and if I had someone come in needing a big firm, I would refer them on to J and T.

Julie was not surprised when I told her the news and she admitted she would miss me. The firm was big enough for her to keep her job but she did voice some concerns about her long-term prospects with them. I went back to Thomas and Jenkins and requested their approval to take her with me. Once they agreed and I offered her the job, we both left J and T and have been a great team ever since. And months later when her husband was moved to the evening shift, I volunteered to coach her kid's soccer team. Because it was so different from everything I was doing at work, it proved to be a wonderful change of pace. I found myself invited to dinner by several of the parents, some of whom tried to set me up with women they knew. I respectfully declined as I wanted to avoid any romantic entanglements. Plus, I still had not recovered from Jess' leaving me.

-----

After our little meeting at the coffee shop, I could not quit thinking about Jess. My mind would drift back to our time together, the good times, that is, and I wondered how she might have changed. She sure looked good and once she had relaxed a bit, I could still see the old Jess I had loved madly before I screwed things up. Yeah, I still loved her, to be completely honest.

I must have been really distracted because Julie called me on it one afternoon. "Ted, what's going on? You're walking around here like a love-sick calf and you're not concentrating on your work."

I tried to deny it. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine."

"I call bullshit. I'm a mom and we're professional bullshit detectors. And that last letter you wrote was so full of errors, I almost made you redo it. You're lucky I was able to edit it and save you the hassle."

"Look, Julie, if I'm not doing my job right, let me know but please don't pry into my business. And thanks for correcting the letter, by the way."

"Ah hah! I knew it. You said 'business.' Something is going on."

"Nothing is going on."

"OK, I'll ask it another way. Who is she?"

I paused a few seconds before deciding to tell her. "Jessica."

"The Jessica?"

"Yeah."

"And why are you thinking about her now? I thought you were slowly getting over her."

"Yeah, well, she ran into me the other day, we chatted for maybe ten minutes and I told her about my career change. She asked I give her a call."

"And?"

"Well, I don't know if I should."

"Jesus, Ted, you're an established and respected lawyer. You can get a jury on your side with no trouble and now you're too nervous to talk with her even after she asked you to call? Sometimes I just don't understand you men!"

"So, you think I should?"

"Hell, yes, you should. And if you are still in love with her, and I bet you are from the way you've been moping around here lately, you had better bring you're A-game if you wanna have any chance at all."

"Let me think about it..."

I stewed and worried for the next three days. I tossed and turned for those same three nights. By then it had been nearly two weeks since we had met at the coffee shop and I knew I had to do something. One evening I sat down, drank a stiff slug of scotch to calm my nerves and picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jess, it's me."

"Decided to finally give me a call?"

"Uh, yeah. I wanted to have something to say before I called."

"And now you have something to say?"

"Uh-huh."

"OK, out with it." I could practically hear her smile through the phone.

"Jess, I, uh, I've missed you. Terribly. I miss you, plain and simple. And I still love you, madly love you. So, I'd like to get together with you sometime and talk. About maybe trying again. I'm not the same guy that I was. I've changed."

"I'll say you've changed. You're driving a Subaru," she hooted.

I ignored her laughter and nervously plowed on. "I'd like to make some reservations and wanted to ask if you'd be willing to go with me to where we could be alone, you know, just you and me, no work, no computers, no interruptions and have time to talk, to reconnect, you know, see if there might still be an 'us'. Interested?"

"Mmm, maybe. Where?"

"Orca Cove."

"You want to take me to the place where we first made love, the place where I fell in love with you, right?" The excitement in her voice was obvious to hear.

"Uh-huh."

"And you want to go there and just talk?"

"Well, uh, we could, you know, do other things. Look for seashells, walk the beach, things like that."

"I'll go on one condition."

"What's that?"

"Included in those 'other things' better be some quality time in bed," she giggled.

"You mean...?"

"Yes, Theo, I'd love to go and talk and reconnect and do some other things, to use your words."

"Uh, when?"

"Is tomorrow too soon?"

-----

"Oooh, keep doing that but a little harder. Yesss, oooh, like that!"

I was kneeling behind Jess and pounding her doggy style, harder and faster, just like she wanted. From above, I enjoyed looking down at her curvy ass with her tight, little rosebud. Her sleek back as well as the red splotches spreading across her shoulders also drew my eyes. But as we made love in that same old bed on our seventh night at Orca Cove, the thing I liked looking at the most was the new diamond solitaire she wore on her left ring finger.

-----

Trionyx - June 2023

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The studio version of Willie Nelson's songYou Left Me a Long, Long Time Ago features an interesting dichotomy between the happy mood of the instrumentation (upbeat tempo and light piano playing) and the sad lyrics. Some of his other versions, one with Brenda Lee in particular, have a somber instrumentation more in keeping with the theme of a relationship which had crumbled and died well before the actual separation.