You've Got to be Kidding! Ch. 01

Raven did not live up to her name.

Picture someone with that title and you'd probably imagine black hair, maybe with some purple streaks, dark clothes, dark eyeliner, and a generally piercing look. You probably wouldn't imagine who actually stood in front of you -- a petite, nervous girl with a face full of freckles and messy ginger hair which wouldn't behave no matter how much it might be combed and straightened. Nor would you expect that your mental image of t-shirts with rock band logos and black jeans with shredded fabrics to be replaced by the denim dungarees of a farmer's daughter. But that was who she was.

There was another thing about Raven which didn't match her namesake, though -- she wasn't proving very good at problem-solving. And that, in itself, was quite a problem, because of where she was.

Whitehead Academy, an esteemed institution for science, technology, engineering, and maths in Bedfordshire, was nestled deep into the green utopia of the Chiltern Hills. Named for Sir George Whitehead, the 16th Century cleric who founded the school from his riches transporting slaves across the Atlantic (the school didn't tend to advertise that fact), it wasn't the only place in the country which could get you into places like NASA or Apple but it was the only place which could guarantee it. Raven had nearly screamed the house down when her acceptance letter arrived. Here, on one piece of paper, was a ticket to anywhere in the world. Four years of tutelage under the finest experts you could find and then she could be at CERN, where she belonged, developing fusion power and saving the world as a consequence.

But before she could save the world, Raven had a problem to solve. And she saw no way to do it.

Molly, her new roommate, curvy with olive skin and frizzy hair and never out of her blue pyjamas, was stood against the kitchenette wall with arms crossed and occasionally blowing her gum into a little pink ball, regarding Raven with some amusement.

"You've got to be kidding," Raven was mumbling.

"I'm not," said Molly.

"Why wouldn't they put that in the letter?"

"Well," chuckled Molly, "it'd probably be a bit of a downer: 'Dear student, congrats on making it into the most prestigious science academy in the country. By the way, on your first day you've gotta strip butt naked for us and get examined.' No wonder it's kept on the website."

"Where I never saw it," said Raven, mournfully. "I've gotta find a way out of this."

"Well, there isn't one," Molly replied. "Sorry. You can't get validated as a student without it -- something about the Biology Department needing the data and how you signed away your rights to bodily autonomy when you joined. Not the exact wording but that's what they mean."

"I'll never skim-read the terms and conditions again," mumbled Raven. "I'm really gonna have to do this, aren't I?"

"Yeah, guess you are. It's really not that bad."

"No?"

"Nah -- they'll put you with a female medical student and I'm sure she'll be perfectly nice. Mine was. Ran into her at the pub a week later and she bought me a cider. Her way of apologising for putting a rod up my ass." Raven stared at Molly.

"You can't possibly think that's making me feel better." Her roommate just blew another pink bubble -- Raven flinched when it popped.

So it was that, plastic ID swinging in its lanyard from her neck and dressed as always in denim dungarees with a red-black striped shirt beneath, with her morning classes over and her afternoon ones immediately after whatever ordeal this would prove to be, Raven trudged across campus with her eyes on her shoes and towards the Biology Department. It was a glittering cube of glass, probably reflecting the Sun so dramatically that the shimmer could be seen from space, and became quite a foreboding picture as Raven approached. She felt a sticky sheen of sweat on her back as she went through the automatic doors and, every now and then, Molly's words reverberated in her mind: "Her way of apologising for putting a rod up my ass." Would Raven really have to go through the same thing? Was that seriously the price of Whitehead Academy?

Raven stepped into the chilly, aid-conditioned reception area and approached the desk. A bored looking bald man looked up at her.

"Hello?" he asked, gruffly.

"Erm, hi, I've got an appointment today?" she asked, trying her damnedest not to stutter. "My name's Raven Smith?"

"One second." After a bit of clicking at his desktop, the man looked back up at her, his face just a little brighter.

"He knows," Raven thought. "He knows what's gonna happen to me. Oh, God, what is he's the one doing it?!"

"You're in Room 2-13," the man said, instead. "Up the stairs to the second floor, then follow the signs. You'll be with Freya, it says here."

"Okay, thanks!" squeaked Raven, hurrying past the desk and through the double-doors into the stairway, glad to be beyond his eyes. With every step up the stairs, students and academics passing by in such numbers that she felt pleasantly anonymised, Raven's body was consumed by anxiety. She'd had sex a couple of times, sure, but that had been under blankets in the dark. Nobody had ever seen her naked -- at least not since she was a small child -- and now she had to change that to stay at the school of her dreams? A sense of injustice burned inside her.

Reaching the second floor, Raven followed the signs as instructed until she found a wooden door with '2-13' written on it. Unsure if she was meant to knock or just walk in, Raven chose the former. After all, maybe another student was having their examination and the absolute last thing either of them needed was for Raven to burst in.

The door opened at Raven's knocks -- there stood a young woman, maybe just a few years older than Raven, dressed in white lab coat over a fuzzy yellow sweater and jeans, her blonde hair long and curly and her face pale but kind, with crinkles around her bright blue eyes.

"Hi!" she said. "Raven?"

"That's me," Raven mumbled back.

"I'm Freya," the woman replied, offering her hand, and Raven meekly shook it. "Come in, come in."

"Thanks." As Freya stepped aside, so did Raven step inside into what seemed much like a doctor's office. There was a white examination table against the wall, a desk in the corner with several desktop computers, an overloaded bookcase, and a few medical-themed posters. It was all very disconcerting -- and, suddenly, very real. Raven became acutely aware that, if Molly's story was anything to go by, she'd soon be stood here stark naked with Freya's eyes, and maybe hands, all over her. Her brain whirred through a rapid-fire analysis of every inch of herself -- would Freya find her breasts too small, her tummy too flabby, her butt too big, her vulva somehow broken? She didn't even really know what would happen once her clothes came off and she didn't want to ask in case, somehow, they didn't need to and this time round Freya just wanted to get a look at her tongue.

Freya, who had walked past Raven and now stood in front of her computer, tapping something out, glanced up.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

"Bit nervous," Raven mumbled, her arms crossed and legs pressed together, struggling to maintain eye contact.

"That's perfectly understandable," Freya said, with a smile that would have seemed motherly were she older. "I remember how I felt when I had my exam when I first started. But it's really not a big deal. Every student does it."

"So I've heard," said Raven, quietly.

"Would you mind just taking off your clothes now?" Freya asked, and the anxiety roared over Raven in a punishing wave, shifting then from anxiety to a red-hot fear. "And then I'll talk you through how this is going to go."

"Oh," Raven said, weakly, staring now at Freya. "Well, I guess if..."

"I know you're nervous," said Freya, "but trust me -- this is all very anatomical to me and it's just you and I here. I just need to finish up a couple of emails and then we'll kick things off."

"Right," said Raven, trying her hardest not to let her speech turn to whimpers, as Freya turned away to her computer.

Raven shuffled over to the examination table and sat, tentatively, on its edge, bending down to untie her trainers and pull them off. "Um... where should I leave everything?"

"Oh," said Freya, without even looking back at her, "If you just put your clothes on my desk where they're out of the way, that'll be fine."

"Okay." Quickly, Raven pulled off her bright blue socks, staring at her bare pink feet for a second before stuffing the socks into her shoes. She then stood, the linoleum floor cold on her feet, and slipped the straps of her dungarees off her shoulders before pulling them down her legs and stepping, awkwardly, out of them. Folding them up in her arms and feeling, now, a great heat coming over her face as she stood in nothing but her black-red striped t-shirt and plain black panties, she considered for a moment -- as if the order of how her clothes came off made any difference -- before pulling her shirt over her head and folding it up to join the growing pile on the examination table.

"My underwear as well?" Raven mumbled, her hands trembling and legs instinctively crossing, as she stood there in her black underwear feeling about as self-conscious and embarrassed as she'd even felt. She wanted to curl into a ball. Freya glanced at her.

"Yes, please," she said, before returning to her emails. Raven, wondering if she was lying about them so she wouldn't just be stood there staring during this bit, reflected on the strange, almost alien feeling of being naked in front of someone. How, in an odd way, it felt freeing. But also terrifying. Very very terrifying.

As quickly as she could, Raven reached behind herself to shakily unhook her bra, somehow hyper-aware of every detail of her body now it was on show -- from the freckles which cascaded from her shoulders and down her arms to the cellulite forming stripes on her upper thighs. Trying to blink away the tears which formed in her eyes, Raven unclipped her bra and pulled it off, her arms pointlessly crossing over her chest once it joined the pile to cover her small breasts, or, rather, her pink nipples which were getting almost painfully hard.

"Can't I keep my knickers on?" Raven asked hopefully, despite knowing the answer.

"No, sorry." Shivering, Raven turned herself away from Freya so she faced her side-on before, as quickly as she could, pulling her underwear down, stepping out of it, and throwing it onto the pile. She then grabbed the pile and, holding it in front of her groin to cover herself, stepped towards Freya's desk and left it there, before hurrying backwards to the table and sitting with her legs crossed, hoping it might provide some degree of cover. She felt tingly all over.

"Okay, I'm done," she murmured.

"Just give me a second and I'll be right with you."

"What is with this girl," Raven wondered to herself -- she really was incredibly unphased. It was as if she was the hundredth girl in this room today. Given the size of the student body, maybe she was.

After a few moments, Freya clicked off her computer, got up, and walked to Raven, who sat with legs still tightly crossed and arms in an X over her breasts.

"Okay, comfortable?" Freya asked.

"As I'll ever be." Raven's mouth felt very dry.

"It'll be fine. At this point, do you have any questions?"

"Is..." Raven couldn't believe she was about to ask this. "Is anything going up my butt?"

"No," said Freya, with a smile. "At least not this time."

"What's that meant to mean?"

"Well, you might get called up for a different examination at some point during your studies. It's not likely but it could happen."

"Oh. Okay."

"Here's what's going to happen today, though," said Freya -- Raven just shivered in annoyance, wishing she'd just do it so she could gather up her clothes and put them back on. She kept looking at them, more than a little longingly, from across the room. "I'd like you to go on all-fours on the examination table. I'm then going to insert a synthetic penis -- or what you'd probably call a dildo -- into your vagina to simulate sexual intercourse. The goal is to see how long, if at all, it takes for you to achieve orgasm."

"What?" Raven couldn't believe what she'd just heard. They couldn't do that... could they? "You can't be serious."

"It's just the research we're doing at the moment."

"What kind of research is that?!" whimpered Raven.

"I know it sounds odd but it really is very normal around here," said Freya -- and to her credit, Raven thought, she hadn't looked anywhere but her eyes even once during this conversation. Maybe she really was a consummate professional and Raven's modesty was misguided. That wasn't enough to make Raven uncross her arms and legs.

"But why all-fours?" Raven demanded. "Why not on my back? Why do I have to have my ass in the air?"

"Because we're seeing if... doggy-style..." She hesitated to say the phrase, as if the informality made her choke. "...makes a tangible difference in sexual experiences. Normally we'd just ask people to fill in a questionnaire but that doesn't give us the balanced sample we want."

"You realise this is a farce, right?" asked Raven. "You get that this is insane?"

"It's really not insane," said Freya, with a patient smile. "It's just science."

"Yeah. Maybe."

Raven went back to staring at her clothes -- but if she ran to them, pulled them on, and fled, it'd be her last day at Whitehead Academy. How would she explain that to her parents? They'd probably understand once she told them the asterisks involved with attendance. But, twenty years down the line, when she was working in an anonymous office doing anonymous work, would she thank herself for running away from her best chance to change the world? She was about to open her mouth, about to surrender to all of this, when Freya spoke first.

"Do you think you'd feel more comfortable if I was naked, too?"

"Uh..." Freya could feel her face getting hot. "I don't know. Maybe. I don't know, okay?"

"I really don't mind," said Freya, pulling off her lab coat and walking to the door, where she hanged it up on a gleaming metal hook. "I'd feel awful if you went through this feeling unhappy."

"Well..." Oh, boy, she was already pulling off her jumper. There was no stopping this girl. "Okay, then."

"Just give me a moment." Raven did her best not to stare as Freya's jumper came off, and then her white bra, her perky pale breasts now out and on show as if it was the most normal thing in the world. Oh, shit, Raven was staring after all, and she was still staring as Freya pulled off her shoes and socks and then unbuttoned her jeans, before tugging them down -- her black thong came down with it, turning inside out. As Freya stepped out of her clothes, Raven glimpsed the plump lips between Freya's milky legs, barely hidden behind a tuft of dark pubic hair, and felt a wetness developing between her own. Embarrassment curdled inside her -- it wouldn't be easy to hide when she was on all-fours and being spread open by Freya. Oh, God, she still had to deal with that...

Now, suddenly, Freya stood before Raven just as naked, with feet apart and hands on her hips and a strangely serene smile on her face.

"Okay," she said, "feel a little better now?"

"Well..." Raven stared at her and, slowly, realised that she did. Some of the embarrassment began to slip away. "Maybe a bit."

"That's great," said Freya, walking across to the desk and pulling open a drawer -- with her back now to Raven, her plump bottom was on show, cute dimples just above her cheeks, and Raven felt a pang of jealousy for how cute it was. This feeling was replaced by other, much stronger feelings when Freya turned around with the dildo in hand.

It was huge. Skin-coloured and criss-crossed by fake veins, it must have been about nine inches -- it looked less like a penis and more like a leg of lamb. And that was meant to go inside her?!

"Jesus..." mumbled Raven.

"Don't worry," laughed Freya, "nobody's expecting you to take the whole thing. We'll find a level you're comfortable with and stay there."

"I still think this is insane," said Raven, trying incredibly hard not to glance down at Freya's pretty nipples, a couple shades darker than her own. "Actually, right now, it's even more insane."

"I can see it being a bit surreal." Raven cocked her head.

"This isn't your first time being naked in an examination, is it?"

"Nowhere near my first time," laughed Freya. "I'm naked for something like a third of appointments."

"Wow."

"Speaking of first times, have you had a penis inside you before?"

"Yeah," mumbled Raven, shifting in her seat, the fabric of the examination table making her bare rear itch. "Twice."

"And how often do you masturbate?"

"Um..." There'd be no point lying, Raven supposed. "A couple of times a week? I don't use a dildo. Just my fingers."

"Okay." Freya nodded. "Do you experience any pain?"

"No. Should I?"

"No, you're fine, don't worry."

For a moment, the pair stared at each other -- and then, feeling still a strange sense of relief at Freya's nudity, Raven spoke up.

"So... I guess I have to, like, present, right?"

"Please," said Freya, with a smile. She looked like she was holding a sword with that dildo in her dainty hand. It was such a surreal moment that Raven was halfway towards forgetting to be embarrassed.

"Does it matter that I've never done doggy-style before?"

"It shouldn't," Freya replied.

"Okay." Raven tried to psych herself up mentally but it wasn't happening -- just do it, she told herself, just do it and trust that it'll all be fine. If only she'd listened when Danny told her, in his parents' spare room, that doing it from behind felt better. Then she'd have experience and wouldn't be filling with fright at the idea of presenting herself to someone for the first time. But, then, she remembered her studies, how important they were, how much she needed to cling to them for dear life, and, slowly, she stood up, turned towards the table, and climbed onto it.

Positioning herself on all-fours, her face burning and feeling Freya's eyes on her bottom and her quivering girlhood, feeling more vulnerable and exposed than she'd ever felt before, Raven just waited. It was only then, as she felt Freya draw nearer, that she remembered she was also expected to have an orgasm in front of her. Oh, this just wasn't fair. This was too much for anybody.

"Would you like a pillow?" Freya appeared at her side, holding a fluffy looking white pillow, and put it down beneath Raven's head. "I'll need you to put your head on it so you can raise your bottom properly up."

"Oh," Raven said, quietly, staring down at the cushion. "Okay." Quickly, she lowered her head to rest on the pillow, her rear now pointing upwards. There was no way that Freya, who was already moving to stand behind Raven, couldn't see every inch of her. Her bare pussy, her asshole, everything was on show -- she was seeing Raven more intimately than she'd seen herself.

"You're doing great," said Freya, sweetly. "Now, I'm just going to apply a bit of lubricant to your vagina, is that alright?"

"Oh, God, okay." Raven shut her eyes and waited -- then, flinching at the touch, she felt Freya's warm fingers stroke between her lips. Involuntarily, she whimpered as sharp feelings of pleasure shot up into her belly.

"Oh," said Freya, suddenly, "you seem to be wet already, actually. That's good!"

"I'm not turned on," Raven insisted. "My body just doesn't know how to react to all this... this stimuli!"

"That's alright, nobody's judging," said Freya reassuringly, her hand suddenly on Raven's bare ass, cupping a cheek.

"What're you doing now?" she asked, her voice shaky.