Zany 01

Zany 01

Mm, mm, that's right, I shop more than 40% in the Young Miss area and mm, mm, that's right, you're going to question my age based on my size, but mm, mm, that's right, I'm bringing ID and mm, mm, that's right, your left eye will flutter and your right eye will sweat, mm, mm, that's right.

But don't ask me where I was between 18 and 19 because it's not as easy as you might think to get a grip on things.

But now, mm, mm, that's right, my thoughts are straight and clear and mm, mm, that's right, I've been gripped and mm, mm, that's right, I've gripped back.

And I learned my lesson about even the most harmless "gripped and gripping back" within the circle of friends. Once, write that down on your list, folks, once.

Oh, and mm, mm, that's right, I have a list too and mm, mm, that's right, it has four names on it and mm, mm, that's right, I have a list of four.

But it's just two straight8 guys who both have two first names on my list. Ric Rick and Mickey Mac.

And mm, mm, that's right, I don't talk this like this when I'm out and about because mm, mm, that's right, you guys are not the only ones who find it annoying, that's right.

"Zany, if I had or knew where to get a white flag, I mean, I'd grip it so hard and wave it like crazy right now and I promise you, the entire crew will completely behave if you come back around and grip a controller on literally any game night, so?"

Oh, mm, mm, that's right, I know a practice girlfriend situation setup when I see one because, mm, mm, that's right, everybody who has ever driven or walked the Strip in Middleton knows that the White Flag Shop is smashed in between the Green Flag Shop and the Checkered Flag Shop, smack dab in the middle of the Strip, so, mm, mm, that's right, Josh was lying.

But I'm a long jeans and belt kind of transitional person, which provides excellent protection, so, I may stop by for a quick minute in the near future.

"Zany, are you having a party, huh?"

Mm, mm, that's right, I could totally host a party that is attended by literally tens of people, but, uh-huh, uh-huh, it's more of an adventure than a party and mm, mm, that's right, some people still know about it and mm, mm, that's right, my adventure requires a hazmat suit, mm, mm, that's right.

But not a sloppy fitting costume hazmat suit, but that will come up later.

"Oh, Boomer, I am not having a party, but mm, mm, that's right, I could totally host a small gathering if I wanted to, so?"

"Oh, you misunderstood me, Zany because I actually just threw down a challenge, so?"

Folks, mm, mm, that's right (giggles), that was my first challenge ever!

"Oh, I mean, mm, mm, that's right, Boomer, you shouldn't have any misunderstandings that, mm, mm, that's right, I'll start planning a cookware party immediately because, mm, mm, that's right, that will meet the rules of a party hosting challenge, so, mm, mm, that's right, I've read all of the book of tricks, Boomer, so?"

"Oh (snap), well, Zany, I mean, fine, um, um..."

"Mm, mm, that's right, Boomer, if I were to sneak off to the side during the middle of my cookware party, I mean, mm, mm, that's right, Ric Rick would be my first choice for a personal presentation of the flatware selections, but this is where you understand that I have to, mm, mm, that's right, stick to my list, so, mm, mm, that's right, you're not on my list, Boomer, so?"

"Oh, um, well, woo, woo, how can that be right, I mean, what? I mean, hey there, boo, boo, how is it that I lose, Zany?"

Oh, mm, mm, that's right, I have others who want to be on my list and mm, mm, that's right, I mean, OMFG, it's fricking zany crazy that I get to be so selective! Mm, mm, that's right.

But keep keeping after me because the last time I tried stepping forward first about six months ago with this guy who was checking me out at the auto parts swap meet and mm, mm, that's right, that didn't go over very well with his swap meet buddies at all, so, mm, mm, that's right, I speak second now.

"Oh, there you are, Zany, I mean, if you wanted to volunteer your place for one of my cookware house parties, I mean, all you had to do was to ask me directly because that's what I do, silly, but seriously, you have to stop calling it a "flat griddle on my back" party! I have a house party rep!"

Mm, mm, that's right, OMFG, I never said that at all.

"Tee he, I'm just teasing you, Zany because we know that a handful of these side fags on the Strip only want to you "smashed potatoes face down" given the shape of your volleyball booty, so?"

"Kendra, shut it! And if Ric Rick has been spreading that around, I mean, my list has a fire match in its future!"

"Oh, and since I didn't mention any names at all, but you jumped straight to Ric Rick then, mm, mm, that's right, Zany, I know where your dreams are now, mm, mm, that's right and you're human, so, it's cool and all."

Uh-huh, uh-huh, that's wrong, I did not jump straight to Ric Rick! And by the way, the sequence of reading is downwards folks.

"Anyways, Zane, you know how the Strip grapevine works. It started out innocent enough from Boomer that it was a challenge cookware party and then it grew after Kneecap passed it on that you might be caught in some zany and crazy hazmat suit and then, Cheese Whip side arm whipped it totally into the gutter because your hazmat suit is rumored to fit you like the skin on a grape and then Helmet Head sold you out completely because he heard that you've added a couple of people to your list and he's hoping he's one of them because [inhales] then, Red Eye spread it around that your ID says that your pretty little mouth is almost 20 and then, ta, da, a mere 30 minutes later and the next thing you know, I'm hosting one of my cookware house parties at your house while only wearing an apron!"

Mm, mm, that's right, I passed out.

But then, uh-huh, uh-huh, that's wrong, there are no additions to my list because mm, mm, that's right, it's a second list and mm, mm, that's right, it's a separate list for my adventure supporters, flunky's and lovely assistants, mm, mm, that's right.

"Oh, Zany, there you are, hiding in the shadows again because talking forward first scares the bejesus out of you as much as spider webs do, but listen, Zany Bangs, I'm a little leery about attending an "Apron Only" cookware party at your place, but if you side whisper that undies are acceptable under, I mean, I could use a new flat griddle, so?"

Mm, mm, that's right, the Strip's grapevine is turned on and it actually generates ideas.

But let's put that attitude on the back burner for a minute because sometimes life gets real.

"Zany, I heard that you have a job in the works that ends with a party, so?"

"Luke, mm, mm, that's right, but it's an adventure more than a job, so chill it with the criminal talk, so?"

Mm, mm, that's right, Luke is on my adventure supporter list, mm, mm, that's right.

Well, mm, mm, that's right, I'm going to define my adventure hazmat suit right now because, mm, mm, spider webs do scare the bejesus out of me, but mm, mm, that's right, I already said that a sloppy fitting costume wouldn't do because mm, mm, that's right, my body lines and shape are at showing off levels right now and mm, mm, that's right, I said it.

Well, I bought a pair of bib overalls for coverage from my feet to my chest area, finished that off with a black hoodie for my upper torso and the hoodie hood would protect my hair and then bought some neat ass mechanics gloves and then added a pair of cheap rubber orange garden and water boots.

And mm, mm, that's right, the orange rubber boots were a total disappointment, but mm, mm, that's right, I bought them and I made them work during my adventure!

So disappointing.

"Well, Zany, you can count me in as your muscle, but this adventure had better not be just about finding old beer bottle caps! Also, I mean, Wilma is the stage left lovely assistant, right, Zany?"

"Luke, it's not about finding old beer bottle caps! I mean, it's an adventure into the old prepper room on Wilma's property, but it might not be more than expired and rotten canned food and maybe bottles of water that are so old that they separated back into Hydrogen gas and Oxygen gas vapors, but listen, there is a chance of finding an old double barrel shotgun that a prepper might keep around for shooting rabbits for dinner and I know that you like that part. I mean, mm, mm, that's right, you have a glass case gun case thingy, right, Luke?"

"Well, that might be worth a few spider webs, but Wilma, right?"

"Oh, mm, mm, that's right, Luke, and slip and slide by calling her "Willie" a couple of times and mm, mm, that's right, that might work in your favor and mm, mm, that's right, you haven't brought up, Ric Rick yet, so?"

"Oh, um, woo, woo, that's not good news, um, not to change the subject, Zany, listen, if by chance we find more than cans of rotten food and bottles of gas vapors, I mean, if any of your adventures ever end up weird hugs and cheers and hug humping, I mean, I'm all for celebrating over finding an old timey double barrel rabbits killing shotgun and all, but I'm going to need some straight8 Amma, I'm a, Anna Liberty for all about that, especially to Wilma, I mean, Willie, so?"

"OMFG, Luke, it's anonymity! But mm, mm, that's right, I like how you brought up a group celebration hug it fest first! But uh-huh, uh-huh [swags finger back and forth], you're not off of the adventure hook for not finishing with why Ric Rick is all of a sudden, bad news, so, mm, mm, that's right, if you can talk to me about an Anna Liberty front humping hug fest with your double barrel shotgun, then, mm, mm, that's right, you can spill it about Ric Rick then!"

Oh, mm, mm, that's right, I deserve an answer, mm, mm, that's right because that's the rules! Right?

But mm, mm, that's right, everyone just went on about their business.

And mm, mm, that's right, I received no explanation for the next several hours, even up to the start of the old prepper room adventure investigation and mm, mm, that's right, even Ric Rick ignored my barrage of texts.

"Zany, this is starting to feel like just another thing that I'm going to have to cleanup around here, so, at least make it quick."

"Wilma, shut it and explain all of your adventure team roles to my bloggers while I make a couple of adjustments to my homemade hazmat suit because they are probably tired of hearing me say "mm, mm, that's right" by now and then shut it! And stick to the script!"

Mm, mm, that's right, I scripted it out.

"Oh, dear followers, hear ye, hear ye, I'm not calling all of you out because I'd follow this little whacko too if I had a dick and hear ye, hear ye, I'm also not calling you out because we're actually worse then you since, you know, we're actually here and we're actually doing this! Also, I'm your girl if you have any need for rotten canned food or Hydrogen in a plastic bottle, ta da, loves & hugs, Wilma "Willie" Williams, the end."

Mm, mm, that's right, that was not to the script.

"Team, I'm taking our adventure team headcount roll call now, so say loudly "presence, sir, yes, sir" back to me when I call your name. Wilma!"

Mm, mm, that's right, Wilma, Luke, Dale and Marla just stared back at me with blank looks in their eyes and didn't say a word because mm, mm, that's right, they were all standing right in front of me.

Oh, but, mm, mm, that's right, Marla did take a nice video of me in my skin on a grape hazmat suit, so, mm, mm, that's right, Marla might be promoted to team captain soon.

"Team assistant, Wilma, please read off our final team message in case we don't survive the spider webs and stick to the script!"

"Oh, Luke, Dale and Marla, hear ye, hear ye, although after all this we can all four officially update our personal interest section on our Chang accounts as "role playing experienced", we need to add an asterisk to the side of it because, OMFG, we're actually doing this and lunch is being delivered at 3pm, so, good luck everyone, can this please be the end?"

Mm, mm, that's right, there's no point in saying it, mm, mm, that's right.

"Oh, sorry, um, it seems to be scribbled on the bottom of the script that, um, add a few booty glow up compliments here for how Zany's hazmat bib overalls fit and I wouldn't be mad if Luke, Dale or Marla called in an air strike on the rickety old tin shed right now to end all of this, hear ye, hear ye, bah-zoo, bah-ha, ka-boom!"

Again, uh-huh, uh-huh, that was not to the script.

But I took the booty glow up.

But, mm, mm, that's right, the funky dark orange rubber boots still came up short, but mm, mm, that's right, I managed through it.

"Ahem, adventure assistant Wilma, flashlight for Luke [points to Luke's open hand]."

"[Slaps a flashlight down into open palm] sir, yes, sir, flashlight for Luke for crisscrossing beams."

"Ahem, adventure assistant Marla, other flashlight for Dale [points to Dale's open hand]."

"[Slaps a flashlight down into open palm] sir, yes, sir, other flashlight for Dale for crisscrossing beams because you're just whacked out enough to believe that's a thing, sir."

Mm, mm, that's right, there was a little adlibbing of the script going on, but, mm, mm, that's right, you heard it, they said "sir, yes, sir" without a cash payment, mm, mm, that's right.

I mean, Wilma snatched my credit card, so.

"Ahem, adventure assistant Wilma, pokey stick thingy [extends hands]."

"[Slaps a pokey stick thingy down into open palm] sir, yes, sir, the wooden spoon ladle thingy from the kitchen stove, sir."

"Ahem, adventure assistant Marla, anti-spider web device [extends hands]."

"[Slaps a bazillion dollars anti-spider web device down into open palm] sir, yes, sir, kitchen fly swatter, sir."

Well, spider webs scare the bejesus out of me, hence, the fits like the skin on a grape hazmat suit. Complete with, mm, mm, that's right, disappointing orange rubber water boots.

"Ahem, both adventure assistants Wilma and Marla, Eskimo cover my face and hair with my hoodie hood to protect me from dust and spider webs [drops arms to sides]."

Mm, mm, that's right, they tried to kill me with that!

"Ahem, both adventure assistants Wilma and Marla, mm, mm, that's right, OMFG, I can't see or breath!"

Mm, mm, that's right, they got their laughs first before there loosened the Eskimo face death mask, mm, mm, that's right, I'll remember that!

After I catch my breath [inhales, inhales, inhales]

"Ahem [wheeze], both adventure assistants Wilma and Marla, now gently remove Luke's and Dale's shirts because it's hot out today and rickety old tin sheds warm in the sunlight!"

Oh, mm, mm, that's right, they both jumped all over that!

And if didn't say it, mm, mm, that's right, the funky orange boots were a terrible disappointment, that's right.

"Um, um, Wilma, I mean, Willie, I mean, there's a 0.00000000000001% chance that I might not survive a zany Zany adventure into the rickety old tine shed, so, um, this might be the last time, um, I can call you Willie once in a while, right?"

"Hush (smooch smack) Luke, I have faith that you will survive an adventure into my rickety old tin shed since you know, it's barely 12 steps deep, but whoa is little ole me if by 0.00000000000001% chance, boohoo, you don't survive the war, boohoo, my brave adventure hunter soldier, come back to me! Especially since all of a sudden, Luke, I have a couple of questions about how you can make your shirtless pecks dance like that on adventure day!"

[Peck dance, peck dance]

Mm, mm, that's right, Wilma was peck dance flirting on my time and mm, mm, that's right, (giggles) Dale tried to join in and mm, mm, that's right, Dale came up a tad short like my orange rubber boots, mm, mm, that's right.

"Ahem, excuse me, if we're through with the dance lessons now! An adventure awaits the men!"

Mm, mm, that's right, we all broke out in hysterical laughter for three minutes over that statement about men, mm, mm, that's right.

[Um, a tin shed door cringles when it opens?]

"Guys, step one, I mean, ick, ewe, ick, I didn't expect this many spider webs, so, step one, take over with the anti-spider web device, Dale!"

[Fly swatter, I mean, anti-spider web device, swat, swat, swat, swat, swat, swat and on and on]

"Guys, step two, I mean, ta da, right? What's Ric Rick's problem with this anyways, hmm? I'm a perfect squirming size!"

Mm, mm, that's right, I was fishing for a verbal body glow up, mm, mm, that's right and mm, mm, that's right, I knew the girls could hear it because mm, mm, that's right, it was teeny tiny thin tin shed.

"Ahem!"

Also, ahem!"

And mm, mm, that's right, I couldn't let the Ric Rick thing go, so, mm, mm, that's right, I let on about a secret that I knew about Ric Rick, but, mm, mm, that's right, I kept the actual secret to myself.

"Tee he, step three, guys, crisscross your flashlight beams to find the prepper shelter room door, guys and tee he, I know a secret about Ric Rick, but, tee he, I can't spill it to you guys since you are friends with Ric Rick, but tee he, I know a secret that he used a flashlight toy a couple of times last year and (giggles), he crisscrossed it with his hands, tee he. He crisscrossed his hands with it!"

Mm, mm, that's right, I spilled it, mm, mm, that's right, don't let me know your secrets.

"Oh, I mean, Zany Bangs, I mean, Ric Rick went mainstream now and he just visits the "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore for that, so, I hope that info isn't as disappointing as your totally funky orange boots then, so?"

Mm, mm, that's right, I passed out from knowing that Ric Rick uses the adult bookstore peeping shows for his tension relief because mm, mm, that's right, my dainty hands must be chopped liver!

"Zany, Zany, wake up, we found the prepper shelter door!"

Mm, mm, that's right, you always find the door when you crisscross flashlight beams!

"Oh, oh, I passed out, so, um, Luke, did you find prepper room door because you crisscrossed flashlight beams then? That's half of the adventure, so?"

"Oh, sure, Zany, but since this tin shed is barely 12 steps deep, I mean, wow, we couldn't have found the door with the red lettering on it that says "prepper shelter" without crisscrossing our flashlight beams, so, um, good job, Captain Adventurer."

Mm, mm, that's right, we wouldn't have found it in a bazillion years, that's right, without crisscrossing flashlight beams, mm, mm, that's right.

[Tin shed window cover cringles, cringles open] oh, hi, guys! Does it help that I opened the shed window to let the sunlight in since its just 2pm? I mean, I chipped in, right? Also, mm, mm, mm, two of you guys look pretty amazing shirtless in half sunlight and half shadow and mm, mm, mm, I must say..."

"OMFG, Wilma! You're ruining the adventure when we're on the verge of finding a room under ground that is full of expired canned food and bottles of water than may have separated back into Hydrogen gas and Oxygen vapor! Ruining it, I say!"

"Great, like I said before, more stuff for me to clean out. Also, Marla, come check out Dale through this window, tee he, it's like a big viewing screen for a personal peeping show like down at the infamous "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore, tee he."

Mm, mm, that's right, Wilma caught my last nerve!

"Damn it, Wilma, before I pass out again, I mean, ugh, I just found out that Ric Rick goes to the infamous "Peep & Pull" adult bookstore, so, say something back about that! And then close the window so the crisscrossing flashlights have the right effect."

Mm, mm, that's right, I called Ric Rick out without Ric Rick even being there, mm, mm, that's right.

"(Giggles) well, I guess Zany means the same as silly then, Zany because all the guys go down to the "Peep & Pull" bookstore these days, it's mainstream now [cringle, cringle, the window cover closes]."