Ziplining To Conclusions

Just a short story to rile up my detractors. It makes them feel good to leave nasty comments, even though they get deleted right away. I've tried to take all I've learned from my detractors to improve my offerings. Apparently I'm a little weak on character development, stories flowing too rapidly, and not using the epilogue to resolve all the loose ends. So basically, I should write stories you're afraid to write, not the stories I choose to write. Let's see how I do.

For my supporters, I'd originally planned on using this for a contest next spring, but decided not to wait.

Please read my profile for my stance on comments. Feel free to email suggestions or to start a conversation. Private messages work too.

David Allan Coe: "If I knew I could count on you, I would love you my whole life through. There is nothing that I would not do, if I knew I could count on you."

= = = =

Corey and I are engaged to be married. We've been on what seems like a non-stop announcement tour. A couple times a week we are either hosting or attending parties designed to personally invite friends to our wedding.

Most of the parties aren't worth talking about. However, tonight's is one that stands out. Tom is going to be my best man, and it was at his place.

With four couples gathered around the fire pit, Tom's wife, Shelly, asked "Have any of you heard about celebrity hall passes?"

Tom jumped right in "You know, like if you ever met Prince Harry and Meghan, your spouse gives you a hall pass to have sex with them."

I followed quickly "That's about the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Hall pass? Like a day off from your marriage?"

Cindy agreed with me as she looked square at her husband Bill "No F-ing way are you getting a day off!"

"Calm down people. This is just fantasy" came from Shelly.

Tom added "Yeah, this is all for fun. Let's go around the fire and have everyone name a person they'd want a free pass to use. I'll go first."

Eyes darted around. Nobody was quite sure what to make of this so-called game.

"Alright. If Bella Hadid wanted to have sex with me, I get a night away from my marriage, no repercussions."

Bill jumped in "Ariana Grande for me!"

The other guy, Bruce, wanted extra time, so his wife Sonja proudly announced "Zac Efron."

I must be too busy working. Those names meant nothing to me. There were mostly subdued chuckles around the fire pit,

Cindy said "Ryan Gosling!"

Tom stared at me "Brian, you go next."

"Not playing. This is something I don't agree with, at all. Pass."

"Be that way. How about you Corey?"

I was shocked when Corey said "Jamie Dornan. Next."

Who the fuck are those guys? I hadn't a clue. While everyone else named names, I did internet searches for the guy that Corey had called out. I'm definitely a dinosaur. That Jamie guy was some actor in movies I didn't like, and he hadn't made an impression on me. I found it interesting that Corey's choice had a mustache and beard. I'm clean shaven. Should I change?

Seven people had named names. I was the stick in the mud.

Shelly gave me one last chance "Brian, you're the only one who hasn't disclosed their unattainable heartthrob."

Corey jabbed me in the ribs and I got 'The Look'.

"Fine, I choose Laurel."

"Great choice! She's one pretty kitty." came from Tom.

Bill added "Oh yeah! I may have to change mine! One hot mama."

Bruce chuckled "Damn! I can almost see her bouncing up and down."

While the booze sank in, the conversation replayed the choices. I said nothing, staring at the fire. Even after a gentle nudge from Corey, I said nothing. This better never happen.

On the drive home I got an ear-full, about how rudely I'd acted.

"Hall pass my ass. You want hall passes then let's call off this fucking wedding right now!"

Based on the jaw-dropping shocked look on Corey's face, I felt that she finally understood where I stood on the matter. Nothing more was said about the issue.

+ + + +

Fast forward six years and you'll find that Corey and I are now married with a four year old son and two year old daughter. Corey has been hinting that she wants to spend more time around adults. I make good money, so I suggested she research child care and the job market.

After doing her research, she announced that she should work from noon until four doing clerical work at a grocery store. The kids would be down for naps after lunch, making it easier on both the children and the babysitter.

And so it was. Corey had adults to talk to, and the kids were getting to experience having a babysitter. Corey's mother, Audrey, really enjoyed watching the kids on the weekend. So much so, that she was constantly encouraging us to 'go do things'. On one of those Saturday nights out, we ended up sitting around Tom and Shelly's fire pit. This time we were one of six couples.

The women had moved off to the side and were occasionally giggling and whispering. The men folk were trash talking the game on the big screen. Tom and Shelly didn't have kids, so they spent lavishly on toys.

I needed to relieve myself and when I headed into the house, Tom joined me.

"Hey Brian. I'll apologize now if I'm stepping over my boundaries, but I'd regret it if I didn't say anything."

I didn't panic as I was more intrigued than worried.

"Fire away."

"You remember that Jamie Dornan guy?"

Didn't ring a bell and I said so "Not really."

"He was Corey's celebrity hall pass choice."

Ah yes, the memories of that night came flooding back.

"I do now. What about him?"

"Well Shelly works with a guy who could pass as his double. I've overheard Shelly and Corey talking about having lunch, so Corey could check this guy out. That's all I know at this point, but if it was me, I'd want to know."

I put my arm around Tom's shoulder "Thanks Tom. I appreciate this. I really do."

Asking Corey about her day made me seem like a caring husband, but it was obviously more than that. On Wednesday I felt my blood rush to my feet.

"Anything interesting in your day sweetie?"

"Well, I met Shelly for lunch today. Other than that nothing out of the ordinary."

"Wow, you two get together every weekend. What was so important that it couldn't wait?"

"She just wanted my opinion on some things. Girl stuff, you know."

+ + + +

I hadn't been sitting around thinking that that lunch wasn't going to happen. I had a plan, and now it was time to execute it. By bedtime, the wheels were in motion. It's like setting up a row of dominoes. I'd tipped the first one over and Saturday would see the last one fall.

Friday night Corey got a text from a blocked number 'If you want to save your marriage, be at Starbucks 10 Am tomorrow. 5th and Main.'

When I made my speech, an hour later, I got just the reaction I was hoping for.

"Hey Corey, I've got some errands to run tomorrow morning, so you're on your own."

With beady eyes "Really? What kind of errands?"

"Just some guy stuff, you know."

I could almost see smoke coming from her ears.

Audrey arrived at 9 Am Saturday morning. Corey was watching me like a hawk. I put on some aftershave, which is something I normally don't do. Leaving the house at nine thirty, I pulled off onto a side street and waited. Ten minutes later Corey sped by, completely focused on the road in front of her.

Turning around, I was back inside my house with plenty of time to spare.

From Audrey "Brian? Did you forget something?"

"No. I'm pulling a prank on Corey. Someone should be calling pretty soon."

The words hadn't been out of my mouth for an instant when my phone started ringing.

"This is Brian."

"Hey Brian. It's Marie. We're good to go. This is a video chat, but you don't have to turn your camera on. I'm recording this as we discussed, so I'll send you the file after it's over."

"Fantastic. Any problem finding doubles?"

"Not for you, but the woman was tougher. What a beauty!"

The video showed a couple sitting at a table outside of the Starbucks, snuggled together a bit too close for 'just friends'.

Audrey whispered "He looks just like you."

I whispered back "That's the whole point. There's a story that goes with this that I'll tell you later."

About that time Corey stormed up to the couple.

"YOU BASTARD! You have two children at home. And with HER! So much for 'hall pass my ass'."

Corey then snatched his vanilla caramel creamy smoothie grande with sprinkles, or whatever Starbuck-a-holics like to drink, and spilled it all over my double. We'd anticipated this, so it was a cold drink.

"Don't bother coming home asshole!" as Corey stormed off.

The video ended as Marie said "Well I think we hit a home run!"

"I do too. Thanks for all of your hard work Marie."

+ + + +

As we sat waiting for Corey to return, Audrey spoke "That was a very mean thing to do to Corey, don't you think Brian?"

"Yes and no. I'll let Corey tell you what she did for lunch earlier this week."

Now Audrey's radar was up.

It took about ten minutes before Corey screeched to a halt in front of the house. You could tell she'd been crying.

With one look at me she started "I thought I told you...wait. How'd you beat me home?"

"I've been here with Audrey for the last half hour. Isn't that about right Audrey?"

"It is. Something wrong Corey?"

"Brian was with HER! I saw it with my own eyes. But he's sitting there and without his coffee poured all over him."

Audrey replied "We were watching the live feed. You were a little pissed. Brian says you have something to tell me about a lunch this week?"

Talk about looking guilty. Corey's eyes darted from me to her mom about a dozen times. Corey couldn't find the words.

"Let me give you a little background Audrey, since Corey is having trouble speaking right now. Before we were married, some of our friends had a party where you were supposed to name a celebrity you could have a free hall pass with. Do you know what that is?"

Audrey sounded irritated "I do. It's about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. Don't tell me you two played?"

"Corey did. And after expressing my total disdain for the concept, I named an obvious choice, outside of you of course."

Audrey blushed as she said "Bullshitter. So I take it your double was sitting there with a double of your choice?"

"You got it!"

Corey shouted "YOU SET ME UP!"

"Did I? Why did you have lunch with Shelly this week?"

Again, Corey had run out of things to say.

Audrey pressured "I suspect this was some kind of payback. Did you meet up with your hall pass gentleman Corey?"

"No mother, I didn't. Shelly works with a guy who looks just him though and she wanted me to meet him. I mean look at him."

"And what did you do when you met him?"

"Nothing mother, nothing. Brian, you have to believe me. Shelly introduced me, that's all."

I jumped in "Hurts when you're on the receiving end, doesn't it dear?"

The tears started again "YES! DAMN YOU! Your hall pass is permanently revoked! Got it buster? And mine is torched. Never again! You're mine alone and I damn well better be yours alone."

Standing up and opening my arms, I welcomed Corey for a spine cracking hug "You are dear. You are."

Audrey pried "So how'd you pull it off?"

"Well there's a company in town that can create, with as much make-up as it takes, a pretty good stunt-double of anyone. So I showed up with a picture of the woman, and they got to work finding someone to fill each role. Had to use up my new lawnmower slush fund money, but I think it was worth it. Don't you dear?"

"Asshole!"

+ + + +

Epilogue:

I eventually saved enough to buy a new lawnmower.