A Brother's Love Ch. 03byethereal_dancer©
(May 18th 2000)
The new year of 2000 had come and gone without remark, full of the usual laughter, dancing and drunken cheering that always led them into a brand new January. The millennium bug didn't wipe them all out as the media had feared, computer systems went unaffected, the world didn't end at the stroke of midnight and life continued to pass by as it always had.
But life on the Howard's farm was somehow different.
The first week of January, Bill collapsed unexpectedly whilst working and Kit, Maggie and Lena -- And Matt too - frantically raced him to the hospital, fearing the worst. "Just a stroke," the doctor said. "Best if he doesn't over-exert himself from now on."
He'd been given a special diet and care plan to avoid any more heart problems in the future, and Maggie had given him very strict orders not to go straining himself on the farm. Kit and Lena took over the day-today chores and Lena put her foster-father's health problems to the corner of her mind for the time being.
For something else had struck her heart, something which overrode every other rational thought in her mind. She came to realise that she loved Kit and not only loved him, but was in-love with him and needed him like she'd seen Maggie need Bill when he'd had his stroke.
She'd sat beside her foster-father's bedside back then, listening to Maggie cry and watching her grasp Bill's hand with fierce ferocity, as if, silently, she was telling him to hold on. And Lena had looked at Kit - her dear, sweet foster-brother -- and imagined that it was her crying and him lying there in that hospital bed; and tears welled, sharp and sudden, in her eyes and she cried with all her heart, because she knew she could never lose him; it would kill her, body and soul, to not have him in her life. She loved him more than life; so much it burnt at her heart and loins and she ached every minute she wasn't wrapped up in his arms.
And to add to her worries, Matt had been acting strangely with her lately. He was so distant, so quiet and sullen all the time. He often went wondering out by himself for long hours and sometimes seemed irritated by her presence. He didn't seem quite the Matt he'd once been somehow, all smiles and joking around; now he was pensive, moody and bleak, as if he took little pleasure from the world. And what was more was that he seemed to resent her, deep down, but why was a different matter and Lena could only guess.
But that wasn't all...the last year of school had, unavoidably, come to an end and everyone around her suddenly seemed to be asking the same damn questions...have you decided on which college you're going to? Have you enrolled yet? What do you want to do there? What do you want to do when you leave? Better hurry and make a decision...you're cutting it fine, you won't get a place at this rate...
It was driving her mad!
Lena sighed to herself and emptied a barrow-load of clean straw into the last of the Howard's four stables, the one which belonged to her own horse, Archie. She'd been mucking out now for nearly two hours, which was double the amount of time it usually took her. But Lena hadn't noticed much, lost in her tangled thoughts as she was.
The truth was, she didn't want to go to college, at least not yet. She'd just spent the last thirteen years at school, why on earth did everyone want her to go rushing back? All Lena wanted was to stay here, in the one place she loved more than anything else, with the people she loved more than anyone else...what did college matter anyway, when she knew she'd grow up and grow old in the farm life she lived now?
She'd never liked school anyway and didn't see how college would be any different...all the girls would still be airhead's, without a care for anything that was outside the realms of their plasticized, beautified, social lives...and as for the guys...jeez! Lena was seriously starting to think they could think of nothing but their dicks! Even the one's she liked at school, the one's she considered friends, drove her crazy with their snide remarks and childish comments about her small boobs or gangly legs. It was infuriating at the best of times...but mostly, it just made her feel ugly and alone.
Still, she'd left now, hadn't she? She knew she'd done well in her exams and was looking forward to spending the summer at home, doing farm work and helping Kit and Bill convert the old barn...the only problem was that she didn't know how to tell them that...
She knew that given time, Bill and Maggie would accept it, though they'd be disappointed; she knew that when it came down to it, they'd want whatever made her happy and if that meant not going to college just yet, so be it.
As for Kit, well...she wasn't sure how he'd react; she was so uncertain of him these days, that she never knew where she stood from one moment to the next. He wouldn't shout -- he never did -- but it wasn't that she was scared of; it was his disappointment; she was scared of failing him more than anyone else, even though he was the one who asked the least of her. Still, she knew he'd be alright too, if it made her happy.
But it was, of course, Matt, her presently dreary and short-fused brother that would be the problem...she knew he'd be livid when he found out and she was sure he'd end up loosing his temper. Still, it was her choice and she wasn't going to let anyone else make it for her...if he didn't like it, then that was his problem...she just hoped he'd come around in the end and not vanish on her like he did last time they fell out...
She cringed just thinking about it; see, for those of you who haven't guessed yet, Matt wasn't exactly...well, alive...he was a ghost, who could only been seen by a very few, gifted people...Lena wasn't gifted in that sense, but the fact that she and Matt had been touching when he died, meant that their souls had somehow fused; this meant that Matt was unable to pass on to 'the other world' until she died too and she was constantly being haunted by his ghost, which, though generally useful and reassuring, sometimes had its disadvantages...
This time last year, just before summer break, she and her friend Luke had been 'experimenting' after school...they were alone and Luke had asked if she'd show him her boobs. She'd blushed at first and knew she should say no, but her curiosity got the better of her. She agreed that she would, as long as he showed her his penis.
So there they were; Luke was sat in the front seat of his car, his flies open and his pants pulled down a little so that she could see the long, soft, pinky coloured flesh that hung there. Lena had expected something a little different, something more exciting, but a deal was a deal and so she unbuttoned her top to his waiting gaze. As she slowly slipped off her shirt, unclipping her little bra so that he could get a proper look, she was amazed to find that his penis was stirring...it was growing thicker and longer by the second.
"Er...um...s-sorry..." Luke blushed, his scrawny cheeks turning a bright shade of pink. "It's just..." he swallowed hard and turned away, trying to hide his erection from her eyes.
Lena had been fascinated. Her eyes were wide and disbelieving, fixed on his now throbbing, purple head. "No...don't...I mean...I don't mind...really."
Luke gave her a surprised look. "You don't?" Lena shook her head eagerly and Luke laughed shyly, turning slowly back to face her.
"C-can I...touch it?" she asked.
She thought Luke might choke. His brown eyes went wide behind his dark rimmed glasses and he took a big gulp of air. "Yes" he breathed nervously.
Lena tentatively stretched out her hand, brushing her fingers very lightly across his cock head. It bobbed wildly and Luke let out a low groan. He seemed to like that, so she did it again. "Ohhhh...maaan...." Luke breathed. "Lena, you're the best..."
Lena blushed and smiled. Luke stared at her with an expression more intense than she ever thought him capable of. It made her feel uncomfortable, like a dog being judged at Crufts.
"Lick your fingers..." Luke whispered, his voice a husky growl which left no room for refusal. Lena did as she was told and slowly licked each finger, taking each one into her mouth and coating it with her saliva.
Luke's eyes were fixed on her mouth, his eyes dark and glazed; he looked strange to her; like a stranger she had no desire to meet. She lowered her gaze to her wet fingers.
"Wrap them round my cock." He told her, answering the question which was forming in her head; what now?
Lena nervously wrapped her fingers around his hard, hot length, and was just able to rest her thumb on the tip of her index finger. She was surprised at how solid it felt, when just minutes ago it had laid limp and squishy against his thigh. It seemed unreal somehow; too large for the body it was attached to.
"Now slide your hand up and down..." He wrapped his fingers round hers and began to move her hand, up and down, up and down, like a piston. Luke groaned deeply and threw his head back against the driver-seat headrest. His free hand darted to her exposed breast and quickly found the nipple. He rolled it between his thumb and index finger, then pinched it hard. Lena yelped. Luke groaned even louder.
It felt good to touch him like this, to be able to make him moan and Lena couldn't help but moan herself. Luke seemed to like the sound and soon had his free hand wrapped in her hair, pulling her face towards his dick. Lena wasn't sure what he wanted, but moved closer anyway, her face resting inches from his wet shaft.
"Faster Lena...oh yeahhh...that's it...ugh ugh...oh baby..." Luke rasped. His cock head was now just inches from her face, making wet 'thwack, thwack' noises as she moved her hand up and down; Lena could smell the pungent smell of it, see the clear liquid oozing from its tip, even feel the heat of it on her face. "Suck it." Luke suddenly demanded, his voice a raspy bark.
"What?!" Lena gasped.
"Suck it! Put it in your mouth slut!" He demanded. Lena couldn't believe her friend was talking to her this way. She didn't like it...She wanted to pull away. But Luke's hand was firm on the back of her head, preventing her escape. Part of her was scared now; she was going somewhere she'd never been before...part of her wanted to turn and run while she still could...and yet part of her, the part which usually got her into trouble, was insisting that she carry on.
Nervously, she flicked out her tongue and tasted the sticky liquid oozing from his cock. It was sweet and salty. It left a coating on her lips, like treacle would, so that she could still taste it long after she'd swallowed.
Luke gasped. "Ohhh...that's it baby...Suck my cock...You're such a fucking tease Lena..." He told her, getting more intense by the second. "Oh fuck yeah..." he moaned huskily.
Lena's mouth fell open at being called a tease and before she knew what was happening, Luke had jerked his hips and shoved his cock right down into her throat, making her gag. For a few moments, she tried to push him away, feeling the size of him hurting her mouth. But then she relaxed and it began to feel strangely good.
"Little slut...I'm gonna fuck your face Lena...I'm gonna come in your sweet little mouth and all over your tits...oh yes! Suck me slut!"
Not knowing what else to do, Lena just wrapped her mouth around him, trying to lick the underside of his cock as he slid in and out, but Luke seemed unaware of her efforts. He began to slam in and out of her mouth, both hands now on the back of her head, keeping her in place as he fucked her face. Lena didn't know what to do and wasn't sure she could move to do it even if she did know.
"Oh fuck! Yeah! I'm cumming baby! Yeah...yeahhh...oh yeahhhhhhhhh!" Luke screamed and with that he unloaded a great wad of sticky, hot fluid into her throat, which she tried her best to swallow, but some began to drip down her chin.
As Luke let her head go, she pulled away gagging, dazed and confused, and it was only then that she noticed a figure glaring at her from the back seat. It was a figure only she could see...a figure with brown hair and angry blue eyes; her big brother Matt. Then in a flash, he was gone.
When she'd got home later that night, the first person she'd seen was Kit. He was sitting out on the veranda, his dark hair blowing gently in the breeze, while the sky grew steadily darker around him. He was quiet, not giving her the tranquil smile he usually gave her when she arrived home and not meeting her eyes; Lena's stomach lurched; she suddenly wanted to run away and hide. Kit's whole body seemed tense, his arms folded tightly across his chest and as she grew nearer, she could swear his eyes seemed glazed, as though he was drunk, but he wouldn't look her in the eye, so she was never sure. Without meeting her tear-filled gaze, he stood to his full six feet in front of her.
"Matt's waiting for you in the barn." He said quietly, then turned and left her standing there on the veranda, feeling dirty and alone.
The argument which followed was the worse her and Matt had ever had, before or since, and consisted largely of Matt shouting at her, calling her horrible names, while Lena just cried and said sorry. Then he'd disappeared and didn't return for the rest of the night.
He'd forgiven her in the end, or at least forgotten anyway, but the memory of it still made her cringe and curl up inside. But what haunted her more was the disappointment in Kit's eyes when she'd arrived home; she'd never forget that; the way he couldn't look at her, as though she was something he found sickening.
Shivering, feeling the familiar lurch and coil inside her belly every time she remembered, Lena finished laying new straw down and rested the fork against the stable wall. She stretched her back a little, jutting her breast's out and then bent to pick up Archie's water bucket.
A shadow fell across her back and she turned.
Behind her, resting one arm on the open stable door, Kit's tall, lean figure stood silhouetted by the sun, smiling serenely at her with those surreal blue-grey eyes.
"Hi..." She said, smiling shyly as she stood up straight, her belly fluttering in a way which made her feel uncomfortable, as though Kit could see straight into her mind and know what she was thinking and feeling.
"Hey...I was worried about you." He said, staring deeply into her eyes. "Thought that brute of a horse might have hurt you."
"Who, Archie?" Lena laughed softly, picking the water bucket up from the floor. "He'd never do such a thing."
"I hope not...otherwise he's got me to answer to." Kit replied with a tender smile.
Lena stepped towards him and Kit opened the stable door so that she could pass. Outside, she bent and tipped the horse's unused water down the drain, unaware that Kit's eyes were on her the whole time.
After rinsing and refilling the bucket, she wandered over to the main paddock and fetched her reluctant horse back from his grazing, leaving Kit where he was, quite used to her routine. When she returned, he was standing in the same spot, one hand holding the stable door open, whilst the other held the horse's feed bucket.
"Thanks." Lena smiled gratefully and led Archie into his stall. After she'd unclipped his lead rope, Kit dropped the feed bucket on the floor inside the stable and waited for Lena to leave before bolting the door behind her.
"Where's Matt?" She asked quietly, standing by his side as they absently watched the horse tucking into his evening meal.
"Walking the heights," Kit told her, adding, "He left about ten minutes ago."
Lena nodded an acknowledgement. In way, she was glad that he wasn't around; her thoughts were dark tonight and she didn't want to talk with him; she knew they most likely end up fighting.
Sighing lightly, she rested her arms on the stable door. The familiar champ-champ-champ of Archie eating his food comforted her and sent her thoughts drifting.
Her body ached with the need to shout out her feelings. Not just her feelings about college and her future, but her deeper, darker, more heartfelt feelings; the sort that chewed away at her insides all day and night, not giving her any rest. But how could she tell Kit how she felt about him? There was so much to say, so much she'd buried deep own inside herself...she wasn't even sure that she wanted to tell him. It would change everything, maybe even turn him away from her; she couldn't face that. She didn't want to see that look in his eyes; that ashamed and disgusted look which made her feel so desperately alone.
Yet what other choice was there? If she didn't tell him, she knew it would destroy her. She couldn't stand it any longer; the lie's, the fluttering in her belly every time he was near, the way she couldn't stand him touching her because it made her feel so weak and defenceless. She felt like a big fraud and hated it.
"Hey dreamer...where have you drifted off to?" Kit asked softly, nudging her gently with his elbow. "You seem like you've got a lot going on in that head of yours..." his voice was tender and concerned. Lena looked up into his eyes and crumbled. He was so handsome, so kind and gentle...
"Wanna talk?" He asked with a tender smile.
Lena burst into tears.
She didn't know where it had come from or why now; it was as though a tidal wave had suddenly broken forth over her world and her heart was suddenly water-logged with sorrow.
Kit caught her up in his arms as though she had fallen; maybe I am falling, Lena thought; it feels just like it. She was suddenly afraid to hit the ground.
But then he was holding her and her fear dissolved. She rested her damp cheek against his chest, feeling his heart beat heavily. He smelt like hay and wood smoke; of cinnamon and sweat; of warmth and leather; he smelt like Kit and it reassured her.
He rested a hand against the small of her back, holding her body to his, her slenderness dominated by his tall, strong frame; his other hand was at her neck, gently caressing her with long, thin fingers.
Lena sniffed and brushed away her tears, willing herself to stop crying. "I'm sorry...I don't know what I'm doing..." she sobbed.
"Shh...don't say sorry..." Kit whispered in her ear, holding her a little tighter.
They stood in comfortable silence, listening to the wind rustling the trees and the occasional sound of a horse far off. Lena felt so safe in his arms, as though the world around them didn't exist; nothing could reach her in his arms.
Gentle fingers reached to touch her face. Kit stroked his thumb across her cheek, wiping away a tear, and looked down into her eyes. His face was pained, as though it hurt him to see her cry.
"What's wrong Le?" he asked.
Lena sniffed and wouldn't meet his gaze. "It's noth-" she began.
Kit cut across her. "Don't lie to me..." He said softly. "Don't tell me it's nothing...you've barely said two sentences to me all week...have I done something wrong?"
"No!" Lena gasped, horrified to think that she'd upset him. "It's just..." She sighed and pulled away from him, wanting so much to tell him the truth. But she couldn't; no matter how hard she tried, the words just wouldn't come. "I just can't Kit..." she sighed sadly, feeling tears threatening to overtake her again. She turned her back so she couldn't see him.
Kit didn't reply; he couldn't force her to tell him if she didn't want to. He just so wished he could help. It felt like years since he'd seen her smile, truly smile, like she used to. And she'd become so shut off from them all, from Matt, from Bill and Maggie...from him.
Kit stared helplessly at the slim, dignified pose of her back. She'd been acting so strange of late; she barely spoke to anyone around her. It was like she'd somehow vacated their home and all that was left was a sad and silent image of what Lena was. Other times she was edgy; pulling away form him when he went to touch her, suddenly leaving the house without any explanation, disappearing without a backward glance as if there were demons on her tail.