tagHumor & SatireA Personal Upgrade

A Personal Upgrade


A big yawn ended the day for Johnston Jones (nicknamed Constant Jones by females during a college groupie). He began drifting off to sleep in bed alone and thought there was no comfort in being left alone at nights.

In recent years as a successful young business executive, Johnston had escorted numerous great looking women to social events but once those young women got what they wanted – another nick on the back band of their favorite bra – they dumped him. That notch was Johnston's creative theory why the mainly blondes with big boobies were gone in the morning never to return his calls and if he met them again they couldn't remember who he was. He was a 'one fuck and he's history' guy.

He struggled to break out of that mould.

Four years after college graduation he came across a redhead who actually had memory recall. He met her on a street corner and asked why had she dropped him like a dick, er brick.

She took thirty seconds to explain before walking off.

"You have a beautiful dick of approved length and thickness that allows a woman to recall she's been fucked next morning without any legacy from over-sized pounding. But from the opening moment of our date, you talked passionately about screwing and then after screwing there was no conversation because you had fallen asleep."

She scowled. "You collected me for the date driving a 15-year old dented and rusting Ford that I felt ashamed to be seen in. We drove off in that jalopy after dinner to park in the unromantic setting of a lit and empty cark park that you said allowed us to see anyone approaching. You had me to pay half the food and wine bill and to make a contribution to gas and had the audacity to ask had I brought condoms. Although keen to be fucked, I'd never felt so humiliated and misused and at the end of that evening I decided I never wished to see you again. So please fuck off."

"Oh Floralina."


"Any complaints about the fucking?"

"No you were more than adequate."

She hurried off, crossing against a no crossing light, but because she had great tits only the female drivers hooted their horns and shouted abuse.

Johnston felt depressed and thought perhaps he required better finishing techniques. He returned to the office and went to the personnel department to resign. He figured if he was out of work that would give him such a shake-up that he would lift his act by two or three notches and in the process be more appealing to women.

He waited twenty minutes before he was directed to the assistant manager of Personnel who scowled at him and said, "Oh it's you."

Obviously she was one of those people who couldn't remember a name but never forgot a face. He thought without a memory for names to put to faces she was misplaced to be working in Personnel. He recalled upsetting her when her joined the company and she signed him in. He asked for a date and she said what for? He'd told her and her face turned purple and she said get out of her office or she'd call the cops.

"Yes," Mrs Oliphant snapped.

"I wish to resign."

"Oh excellent. Reason?"

"I'm a failure; I fail to appeal to women."

The mother of three fell into motherly mode, unable to resist.

"Oh you poor man. Facing a life limited to masturbation at your young age must seem like a death sentence?"


Johnston had no idea what she was on about but sensed it could mean more termination money and said yes and he had contemplated jumping off a bridge but when he got there the riverbed was bone dry.

"Oh that type of thinking is one of the first signs of stress. This is what I suggest. Either we pay you a $5000 stress payment as part of your severance from our employment or we admit you for two weeks at the Sunnyside Rejuvenation Farm and undergo its Stress Recovery Program at our expense, a cost of approximately $10,000. You then may reapply here for a position and when reemployed pick up your current fringe benefits without penalty."

"I choose to go to the funny farm."

"Johnston it would be appreciated if you think positively about the Sunnyside restoration center."

Johnston arrived at the funny farm and the gates clanged shut behind him after the cab driver had accepted payment plus a big tip. The cabbie took off his cap and gave a short farewell speech as if he were at a graveside, making Johnston feeling quite morbid. Johnston received an immediate medical assessment and the major conclusion was he was morbid and sexually unfulfilled, having answered the question what was his most recent profound sexual experience. He'd replied, "Watching Floralina walking off with a swaying ass against a red no crossing light."

The assessment team decided he had a fixation on women's asses and thought a small box of Florentine chocolates could get him whatever he wished in a Red Light district.

He was assigned a single room and a portly porter accompanied Johnston to his room and left a pint of milk and a gross of condoms that Johnston thought was a bit gross. He would have preferred chocolates.

Fifteen minutes later a nude woman entered his room wearing only a nurse's cap and she asked him which would he prefer, her ass or a box of chocolates? He answered and she flounced out angrily but left a box of chocolates with the delighted funny farm inmate.

The two weeks went rapidly and soon most of the nurses at the institution had identified Johnston as their favorite patient. All he required was fifteen minutes of anal sex in return for a box of chocolates. Those nurses took turns and got fat on chocolates while Johnston believed one fuck (anal) a day keeps the doctor away because after the admittance medial check, no doctor came near him unless a female doctor wearing only a nurse's cap was one of those women who bent over for fifteen minutes daily to earn a box of chocolates.

There was no discharge procedure. A portly porter arrived and told Johnston his cab was waiting outside the main gates and escorted Johnston to the gates where he alleged he would have bent over for a box of chocolates. Johnston couldn't get into the cab quick enough. He knew he was cured because he felt cured. Cured from what he had no idea. Stress perhaps?

Two hours after he arrived home, one of those nurses from the funny farm, er the Sunnyside Rejuvenation Farm, visited him.

"Are you on outpatient's patrol?" he asked, answering her tentative door knock and vaguely recognizing her face but her hips seemed very familiar.

"Um no silly. I'm looking for romantic attachment. I'm from Sunnyside, Nurse Caroline Dickey, and I have unforgettable memories of your dick sliding silkily up my butt."

"Er what?"

"Sliding silkily up my butt."

God never in his adult life had a female who was not a hooker had spoken so sexually open and exhilaratingly as this to Johnston. He immediately visualized his torpedo-like dick roaring 50 miles an hour into Caroline's cunt.

"Johnston, speak to me," Nurse Dickey said, plunging into professional mode. "Your face has turned puce and your mouth has turned as slack as a whore's pussy after a night as the only woman at a football team's party."

"I need air," he said weakly.

She passed wind accidentally and he murmured thanks, in the process endearing himself to Nurse Dickey.

"You're not remarkably good looking," he said, a tad snootily. "How are your tits?"

"All right I think," she said confidently, and unbuttoning her shirt and pulling down her bra released a pair of boobies that Johnston immediately thought would look prime specimens mounted on the wall of any trophy hunter's mansion.

"Th-that's prime meat," he gurgled, forcing Caroline to look at her toes modestly and dribble.

"I have cunt meat equally as good," she whispered. "You'll want evidence of my claim?"

"To be sure baby," he said, sucking his thumb to avoid overheating into meltdown. "But first let's get a drink into you and a couple of beers into me."

They sat and he thought she oozed sex and he handed her a hand towel and she casually stemmed the flow.

"Don't be embarrassed," he said. "I would much rather slip in on oily syrup than rasp my way in over a dry bed of nails."

They later fucked but because of tension, over-expecting and mutual tiredness, what resulted was a low-point of their sexual year for them both.

"We'll perform better next time," Johnston promised.

"We must," Caroline yawned, "Otherwise I'll consider going back to females for sex."

Johnston thought what a hard bitch and why were females always expecting top dog performance? Ah perhaps that explained it.

"Do you have a dog?" he asked.

"No," said Caroline mystified. "Why do you ask?"

He lied saying no reason.

"When can you come again?"

She said in about half an hour but he said she misunderstood, he meant when would she next call on him.

"Friday," she smiled, adding he could take her out to dinner. "My mom always told me never to give it away free."

"What, dinner?"

Caroline looked at him sympathetically and said he should see a specialist but she didn't state what kind.

Johnston mistakenly thought she wanted him with a longer dick. At the same time he was left with the impression they were communicating asymmetrically but presumably that would turn to being symmetrically aligned if they fucked regularly because nature had a tendency to take care of its own. He wasn't sure how regularly did one have to fuck to be fucking regularly but assume at every possible opportunity would be a good starting point.

He called Caroline. "Hi where are you?"

"At home in the bath removing your dried sperm."

"Oh that must be a delight for you?"

She failed to answer.

He changed the subject.

"How often do you wish to fuck?"

She sniffed and thought after their underwhelming first attempt she had wondered why bother. But she said she had a difficulty attracting male companions and so thought she should persevere with him. "I suppose five times a week with some adjustment for my monthlies."

"What are they?"

She sighed.

He sensed her displeasure and so said brightly, "You decide the place and I'll arrive with the semen."

"Johnston I really think you ought to see a specialist."

"Great idea, bye," he said and terminated the call, unwilling to become involved in one of those medical discourses females find so fascinating.

Caroline called ten minutes later. She said she'd been fingering herself and now felt like having the real thing.

"What about your two flatmates?"

"Well yes if they are interested but I wish to be first."


He grabbed his keys and ran out to the car.

Caroline lay in the water, pink from the heat and her nipples were up from her fingering.

"Hurry clothes off and get in and get up," she cooed. "I'm bursting for it."

Her two flatmates came in to watch and appeared most impressed.

While Caroline lay in the water replete, Johnston jumped out of the bath and before his feet handed on the floor both women were leaning over the bath with the back of their dresses hoisted.

He performed admirably and was invited to stay for supper, late supper because it was 11:30. He ate well, had three more bangs and then drove home exhausted.

Wow what a day.

Johnston fronted up at the office next day and waited for an hour before being told one of the seniors was free.

"Oh it's you again," Mrs Oliphant, assistant manager of Personnel, said, curling her lip.

"I've been discharged from funny farm and am ready for re-immersion into the workforce."

"We have no openings," she said smugly.

Johnston rose and went over and locked the door.

He leant over her but being a married woman with an over-sexed husband, Mrs Oliphant was unafraid.

"Elizabeth what is long and fat and beginning to dribble?"

She turned red-faced and standing and pulling up the back of her dress before leaning over her desk she wheezed, "You appear to be cured."

Cured of what she didn't say but she expertly fed something long and fat and dribbling into a convenient lubing receptacle and soon they were banging away joyfully. Johnston released a full load into her.

"Omigod there was no condom?"

"You didn't ask for one," he accused.

"Oooh, I'm sorry. I'm such an irresponsible bitch at times. Well if you hit the jackpot I'll blame it on my husband. He can never remember to pull out in time."

Mrs Oliphant pushed a towel between her legs and pulled her panties back up. She looked through vacancies and said regrettably he'd have to come back in two weeks. The only executive vacancy was assistant manager of marketing and that was no good for him because he had no experience.

"I'll take it. One way to gain experience is to work at the job."

"The successful applicant is required to have a marketing degree and three years' marketing experience. I'm sorry but..."

"Give me the job and I'll fuck you every Friday morning."

"The job is yours. Your now have a marketing degree and three years experience in marketing once I've filled out your job placement card."

"You're worth fucking Elizabeth."

She looked ever so pleased and wondered why he called her Elizabeth. Her name was Jane.

The marketing manager was a blonde with small tits. Johnston thought obviously a woman had appointed her.

"What college granted your degree?"

"Look Jane do I ask you personal questions like that?"

"No because you've just arrived and my name is Elizabeth, not Jane."

"Do you fuck indiscriminately?"

Elizabeth blushed and said, "Define indiscriminately?"


She swallowed hard. "Oh no but then again what do you have in mind?"

Those two welded together like bread and butter and became the most successful marketing management team the company had employed in at least fifty years.

Meanwhile Johnston personal upgrade was continuing. Caroline demanded he restock his wardrobe to remove the suspicion he was a refugee from the slums. She pressured Johnston to trade his old Ford for a snappy smaller new Ford. He groaned it was too small to fuck her in the back seat but she smiled and said over the hood would be fine. She persuaded him to stop wasting so much money on liquor, gambling and going needlessly on vacation to expensive locales now that he didn't need call-girls and also spending big trying to attract good looking amateur chicks.

Johnston continued to fuck Mrs Oliphant in the men's room most Friday mornings and when the marketing manager's position became vacant she cautioned him not to apply for it because he'd have to go through a complete recruitment process and his claimed qualifications would have to be verified and he'd be caught out.

He had a business admin degree. Mrs Oliphant persuaded the manager of business admin, who also had a marketing degree, to compete for the marketing manager position to broaden her company experience with a view of stepping up to a more senior management position in due course. That ploy worked and Mrs Oliphant shunted Johnston into the assistant admin position when that incumbent was promoted to manager. She anticipated he'd not cope with the pressure and when he cried 'enough' she took the case of swapping the roles of manager and assistant in that department to the senior management committee. Johnston appeared before the committee and was appointed the new manager.

Mrs Oliphant received a huge fucking next Friday morning and was taken to lunch by Johnston who presented her with a beautiful gold and silver bracelet.

"How can I get this past Rex, it's worth big bucks?"

"All bracelets look the same to me and will to your husband," Johnston said. "Ask him to buy you're a bracelet and when he goes with you to choose it, after you make the decision swap it for a ring and ask the store assistant to wrap this bracelet."

"God you a brilliant," she said. "Rex is away and I would take you home to fuck but I'm too tender from the pounding I received this morning."


"My name is Jane. I'm always reminding you of that."

"Jane it's always a pleasure to fuck you. I'll be happy to wait till next Friday. Perhaps we might try your butt?"

"Anal," Jane said a little breathlessly. "Is it legal?"

"Who cares? It's still adultery. If you're worried just think of it as pussy but we slipped."

As head of admin, Johnston was entitled to a leased Chevy but he refused and said he was a Ford guy.

"It's a Chevy or nothing," smiled the assistant general manager.

"Then stick you job, I resign."

"Ah admin can't afford to take another hit. We have the outside auditors returning in two weeks. I'll instruct Supplies to lease a base model Taurus um with leather."

"A 6-cylinder base Mustang, red, would be fine thanks Alex."

"Approving that would get me shot."

"You have been groomed as the next general manager and I'll probably become your deputy. Begin to ring in the changes now buddy and at the same time buy my loyalty."

Johnston got his new red Mustang, the base model. Caroline who'd shifted in to a larger apartment with Johnston two months earlier had her eyes pop when she saw him drive up in the new car to pick her up from her workplace.

"Your upgrade is complete," she cooed. "I've been withholding telling you this but I'm pregnant. Will you marry me?"

"Yeah of course. I'll need a wife to win the position of general manager and having a kid will be a good look for me. Well done baby. Can we get married quarters at funny farm now that you are head nurse? Think of the money that would save us?"

"I'll enquire. That's an excellent idea and I would be able to resume work soon after the birth because they have a wonderful crèche there. Excellent thinking."

"Now this baby," he said, taking a big handful of Caroline's ass, um can we... um?"

"Yes darling, my gynecologist recommends I maintain regular sexual activity to maintain my fitness and happiness. You know providing you are gentle we could pick up the frequency."

Johnston grinned with the smile of a guy who considered he had it all.


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byEgmontGrigor2011© 0 comments/ 11506 views/ 1 favorites

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