Crumbs

Apathy?
Scorn?
Hard to say
Which I prefer from you,
really.

Spinning
Whirling
Twirling
"Notice me".
Apathy.

Singing loud
"She'll see me now"
Derision melts into
Disgust.
Scorn.

Knelt on the floor
Begging for just one tiniest
Littlest
Crumb.
One shred of your affection
Crying silently to myself
Scrambling around, digging tiny hands
Into creviced floor
Taking each crumb you drop -
not on purpose, mind -
And carefully shredding it
10000 more
Just to have something
here for tomorrow
And a few.

Success and failure
Something to make
you love me.
Anything at all, just see me.
Please

(why don't you fucking love me?)

Kneel up from crawling
Scrambling for the tiniest speck
Giving up.
It happens.
(you know he did)
The unthinkable.
Surely
SURELY
She'll see me, love me
Help me.
Apathy and scorn combine.
Hate.

A hoop here
A flamethrower there.
Do as you're told
Take the abuse.
Maybe then she'll know.
You'd do anything t all.
If only

Years pass
Crumbs turn into chunks
Sometimes.
From chunks to nothing.
Then chunks again.
Hope,
fleeting.

Less than blood
(maybe water IS thicker)
Not significant
Not a blip.

The black sheep
Passed over in favor of the golden one.
Hurt
Anguish
Anger
Yes, betrayal.
Then nothing.
Blissul
Freedom.

I'll take your hate,
your derision
your scorn.
I'll take the crumbs you hand out
because
I'm too pathetic
not to.
I will crave your love
till the end of it all,
knowing full well
it's not mine
to have.
Maybe I really wasn't
Pretty enough.
Smart enoguh.
Perky enough.
Special.
I am grateul knowing
you can give to her what you
denied
me.
Glad she doesn't have to feel
empty
where the love of her blood
should be.
But inside me,
the sad little one
sits
and waits...
always patiently...
For just one
more
crumb.