tagHumor & SatireD&D Breakfast Club Ch. 01

D&D Breakfast Club Ch. 01


(c) GratefulFred

The adventurers meet outside the dodge ball competition complex knowing that they each shared either a total defeat at the hands of some local halflings squad or just wanted to get a cool smoke in the designated smoking area.

Babygee, a slender beautiful robed elfish female opens up with some mindless dribble. "Damn hobbits! You try and put them to sleep and they jump the spell radius."

A stocky dwarf named Carney looks over at the tall slender elfish figure and turns his face whispering "Filthy Elves" under his breath. He goes on to play with his long beard making sure his hands find an opening through his armor to stroke his hard stocky cock. He momentarily shuts his eyes and has one thought in his stone clad brain -- Sexy Elves!

Piety, at least in dress, shows up in the form of Ema the cleric as she pulls out her light flail and examines it for body hair particles. She too sees the elfish girl's reflection off her steel shield but is too shy to make eye contact.

Freddy the thief, taking a whiff of his hashish pipe, has just finished a transaction with a few half-orcs involving silver pieces and some herbs. He notices the elfish wizard saying some words but is more interested in what lurks beneath the robes of her clock.

"You should've aimed your magic missiles at the little runts. Could've hit 5 at a time", Freddy says as he introduces himself.

Babygee, the elfish fox in question smiles taking in the high dungeon level compliment. She gets a closer look at Freddy dressed in sexy studded leather. "I bet you could've nailed each with one of those throwing daggers of yours."

Freddy notices he doesn't have any daggers visible but is sprouting a well noticeable boner that has caught the wizard's notice.

Suddenly two new half-orcs make an unexpected entrance bumping into Freddy. Babygee takes a step backwards. "Is this Elf bitch bothering you brother? My fat friend and I here say we should fuck them Elves up. I'd slay them all if I didn't pull my back humping my tubby friend's goblin momma. Isn't that right Silent Bob? (Pause) Ah...fuck it...don't answer."

Freddy grabs half-orc Jay's hand and twists it behind his back. He produces a dagger that is posed against Jay's neck. His silent partner pulls his sword out.

Jay begins to panic. "Come on Freddy dude. Don't fucking stab me. Look here's the pouch I tried to swipe from you." Jay produces a pouch. "Just keep it and your smelly Elf babe."

Freddy lets Jay go. "See you at the guild meeting dudes."

Jay shoots Freddy two middle fingers and walks away with his life-partner just as several of the town's guards drop by. The leader looks at the group and speaks to his men.

"Round them up men. The King needs a few patsy's".

Freddy, Babygee, Carney and Ema are tied up and lead into the county dungeon. They are thrown into a cell and told the King will see them in the morning concerning some volunteer adventure thingy.

Down bellow in the dungeon they get to know one another.

"I wouldn't suppose you have some thief tools to break us out of here?" Carney asks of Freddy.

Freddy pulls open his heavy backpack and besides a lot of bags of herbs, some tinder weed, some rolling papers, he seems to be empty. "Sorry dwarf-man. At least we can get high."

Ema in the meantime begins removing her armor in sections as 3 pairs of eyes pretend not to stare but can't avoid stopping the drool.

Freddy passes a joint to his cellmates. "I tell you this sure beats paying rent."

Carney taking a puff, "Us dwarves are professionals at getting stoned you know?"

Babygee exhales some ganja smoke revealing dancing stripper catnip "this may not be gnome illusionist shit, but its still good stuff."

Ema is reluctant at first but after being encouraged she chants some spell and tokes up.

Freddy asks about the spell and Ema says it was to give her a --1 on her saving throw.

"You failed!" Freddy says as Ema falls on the dungeon floor giggling.

Suddenly everyone starts to laugh.

Freddy begins to get personal "You know when I was just starting out at thieves school, my mom said she'd kill me if I brought home a copper piece. One day I was really having no luck and it was getting close to Cartoon network "Ben 10" time, and I was still striking out, when I saw this stupid dwarf and I stole his pouch and I got a freaking gem. I went home and like hell I was going to give my lazy ass mom the gem, so I just stood there and dad gone gave me a beating.

Everyone laughs but Carney with an ever-serious look on his face. "Think your funny rogue? Well one day my dad went into town to buy some armor and when he got there he discovered that his gem was missing. Some thief stole it. Ended up that he went into battle in some cheap leather hide shit and got cut up by some weak ass blind kobold."

"Hey did I say I stole it from a dwarf? I meant to say I stole it from Worf, the Star Trek dude" Freddy responds as Carney has an angry look on his face.

Ema getting up looks at the dwarf and offers some words of wisdom "You know if you loosen your armor a bit you'll have more room to jerk off."

Carney pulling his free hand out looks Freddy in the eyes "I was just fucking with you Freddy dude. My dad never made a gem in his life."

Freddy suddenly exhales a blast of smoke as the group all fall over laughing.

Ema jumps in. "When I was just deciding to be a cleric my mom wanted me to be a druid. She sent me to this Druid camp. I remember one day it was like so embarrassing. Well as you guys may know from time to time we get these periods and stuff. Anyways here I was in PE and this cheetah started sniffing at my crotch. I tell you I freaked out. I mean what's with this animal shit? I tried to tell this cheetah to like fuck off, but they just don't listen."

Babygee puts a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "So your mom let you become a cleric after that?"

"Yeah. Turns out the cheetah went crazy and ended up killing a bunch of the other kids. I got expelled." Ema responds.

The night grows longer as the group of newbee adventurers tells more and more tales of school and life. Soon morning arrives as they are summoned before the King to begin some pointless adventure.

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