Gold Card Ch. 17byMungoParkIII©
November 8th, 2007
Susan Fowler Knowles
637 Main Blvd. #327
Re: Gold Card accounts
Dear Gold Card holder,
As Interim Chief Executive Officer of the Gold Card company I am writing to all of our customers in regards to their Gold Card accounts and the premium offers provided with those accounts. After receiving an overwhelming amount of positive and negative correspondence regarding the premiums the company had decided to discontinue the offers pending a company wide investigation. Additionally, all Gold Card accounts will be put on a hold basis until the full impact of the investigation is understood.
While the company was joyous in receiving the large volumes of positive correspondence regarding the widely varied intimate offers available and accolades included receiving the keys to several Midwest cities for bringing the boring places back into the twenty first century, negative correspondence was also received. Gold Card management must admit we really didn’t envision burning our asses in hell as a possible downside for the Gold Card premium offers.
As a matter of fact, company management was not fully aware of the exact nature of the Gold Card’s new lively premium offers recently incorporated. Certainly the board of managers never envisioned proliferating the sexy and free entertainment To be honest we were somewhat shocked at the decisions and implementation of a program so sexual in content. Initially we were titillated by the prospect, but then when we received letters from churches regarding the safe sex introduction packets we sent with the cards to their preachers and ministers, we realized perhaps we were mistaken.
Our legal department also made us aware of some possible misunderstandings we were beginning to have with local law enforcement. I mean who could have known that trading member appreciation points for sex might be misinterpreted as prostitution. For all of those Gold Card employees and Gold Card users caught up in this unfortunate misunderstanding, please understand the Gold Card Company will cover the expense of any legal costs you may incur.
Some of you may have already received some bills in the new billing cycle that incorporates the few minor service charges we attached to the premium offers. I guess we neglected to mention these charges when we presented you with the cards, so please be advised that we will be removing these nominal fees from your account balance.
With respect to the vicious rumors that the cards were laced with Viagra, Cialis, or other sexual enhancing chemicals we categorically deny this allegation, but we do advise any Gold Card user experiencing an erection lasting longer than four hours to see their doctor immediately. And just to confirm our utmost concern for our Gold Card holder’s health and well being, we will defer any and all charges on your Gold Card account if you sign a release indemnifying us from any medical liability for your use of your Gold Card. In other words, simply agree not to sue us for medical problems related to the Gold Card and we won’t make you pay for anything you bought with the card.
As for the rumors that the previous Chief Executive Officer, President and the entire Gold Card Company Board of Directors have been arrested on prostitution, narcotics and fraud charges, they are all entirely false. It’s just that everyone involved with running the company just happens to be on an extended vacation. Besides, we must remember that everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
If you look on your new corrected bill you might find some new features including a box you can check off to donate to the Gold Card’s legal defense fund. Our tax accountants are currently pulling together the necessary bribes to make these contributions tax deductible. And hey, you know those charges we said we wouldn’t make you pay, wouldn’t all that money you saved there make a wonderful donation to this legal defense fund.
In closing, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of our loyal Gold Card holders and want to emphasize our resolve in continuing to provide you with the best credit card in the industry with the best premium offers available anywhere. As a special offer to our special customers who stick with us we have panties! Yes, these are special order panties originally purchased for a famous movie star (whose name we can use here). We can offer these sexy items new and unworn for our customers or for our customers with more discerning tastes we’ll have the beautiful ladies of our administrative staff wear them for you while visiting a local male strip show. The panties will then be hermetically sealed and send out to all Gold Card users making purchases within the next ninety days.
Let me take this final opportunity to thank you for your loyal support of the Gold Card. We do appreciate all our customers.
John E. Johnson
Interim Chief Executive Officer
Gold Card Company
1 Gold Card Blvd.
New York, NY