How to Survive a Zombie ApocalypsebySean Renaud©
This guide contains all of the information that you will need to survive a zombie apocalypse. We all know it's not a matter of if zombies take over the earth, it's a matter of when and if you are going to be one of the survivors. If you don't want to be one of the survivors then you can stop reading right now. This is for the people who are going to stand up and say not me, not today. I'm going to start with the preparations that you should already have, if you don't have them you aren't going likely to live long enough for any other advice I give you to matter. This part is kind of dry and boring but it's important so bear with me.
The first part is your zombie survival kit. You should have at least three of these one should be with in reach of your bed, one should be in your car and the last one should be in your workplace. You never know for sure where you're going to be when the end of the world starts and the last thing you want to be saying is gee I wish I wasn't stuck in bumper to bumper traffic my Zombie Kit is at home! So we're going to start with a simple list, feel free to add extra things if your feel the need or have special medical requirements.
• One gallon of water
• Ready to eat food for three days
• A pocket knife
• A whistle
• 50 feet of rope
• A baseball bat/machete/sword
These things represent the bare minimum that you are going to need to survive just the initial incident. You might not be able to leave wherever you are so it's important that these things be easy to get at. The zombies aren't going to call ahead and warn you of the impending end of the world. They are just going to happen. You might be driving home from school, you might be picking up your friend from the airport and you might be at you friend's wedding (if you are I encourage you to positively identify the zombies before exterminating them. It is possible that you are dealing with really bored humans who are of no real threat to you) The point is that you need to always be prepared. I personally have everything on that list in my house, my garage, my car and my office. I refuse to be a victim.
Assuming you live through the initial assault the next thing that your going to want to do is find yourself a place to hide. It needs to be a location that can easily be defended which means as few windows as possible. Ideally it is a place that is already stocked with food and water. I should point out that in states that are democratic this means you're best place is probably an Army Navy surplus store. It's probably got plenty of MREs and water. The guy who runs it is probably a survivalist so he's got guns in the back. I'm not talking the sissy guns you can get legally either. He probably has a grenade launcher and he knows how to use it. In states where the second amendment I still holding strong a mall is actually a good spot. It's got food water, and weapons. It is however very important that you thoroughly clear the space of zombies.
Once you've gotten your location properly secured you have to go about attracting and gathering survivors. It's a risky business because you might bring in zombies but you aren't going to survive the end of the world all by yourself. You're going to need help so you should gather people as quickly as possible and that means any and everybody. I know that somewhere out there a white supremacist is reading this and I'm gonna tell you right now. No matter what your opinion is of black people they aren't going to eat you alive and they will protect you from the zombies. (or if you prefer they will provide them with an alternate meal) this also applies to men with ex girlfriends. This isn't the time to be upset about who cheated on who, this is the time to not get dead and nothing else should matter. I suggest putting signs up on outside of your building telling other survivors that you are alive and you have a safe place for them. If the phones are working start dialing numbers at random. Keep the lights on. Anything you can do to get their attention is good.
When all of these things are in place then you need to identify exactly what kind of zombie your fighting against. It's very important that you know what you are up against because it matters how you will proceed at this point. Until very recently zombies were slow and shambling. Individually they weren't very dangerous it was only in hordes of hundreds or more that they were particularly dangerous. Generally they could spread their disease with a bite but anybody who was dead would rise on their side. Sometimes the recently dead would dig their way free of their graves. If this is the kind of zombie you are fighting against then your main problem becomes corpse removal and death watch. The last thing you want is for your grandmother to have a heart attack and then start biting everybody. Obviously you need to be on top of these things. There is no cure for this kind of zombie and they are usually only killed by destroying the brain. All those shots your pumping into the chest don't do dick. The source for this kind of zombie is also unknown. It is assumed to be divine. That's right God is pissed. Kinda makes you wish that he didn't promise never to kill us via flood again. It also makes you wish that fags weren't fucking guys in the ass and your sluttish daughters could keep their legs together. It also means that the only way you are ever going to see the end of this is to kill God. Which is usually easier said than done. Unless you've got a little girl and a polar bear you're pretty much fucked. This is one apocalypse that you aren't surviving.
Unfortunately starting around the year two thousand zombies evolved. They got smarter, sometimes problem solving smart like those dinosaurs from Jurassic Park. They can run now and are dangerous, deadly even as individuals. They also developed new weaknesses. The first is that they need to feed regularly. The increase in metabolism that allows them to run also needs calories. So they can and will cannibalize each other if they can't get to humans. They can and will starve to death and relatively quickly at that so the only thing you need to do is find a good place to hide and wait it out. They don't require head shots to kill, they aren't even dead. They have a disease. It might be a virus created in a lab for weapons purposes, or a hyper strain of rabies or even something transmitted from monkeys to humans. The important part is that this means there will be people who are naturally immune, there will be a cure or a vaccine. You can win! I hope find yourself in this situation.
Very rarely the zombies might retain some semblance of intelligence and of civilization. If this happens you're pretty much screwed. At this point you have to immediately discover and exploit whatever physical weaknesses they may have. I'll write a survival guide for those at a later point. It will probably be filled with all kinds of jokes because if you have time to read it you've obviously survived where as this guide may be of practical use during the initial stages of an outbreak.
If you've survived this long and gathered other survivors around you the time has come to make your long term plans. This varies from one type of infestation to another. If the zombies are of the diseased sort then you can run and get away from the source of the infection and outside any barricades built to contain it. If they spontaneously rose however you have to assume that everybody in the world is having the same problem as you are. My personal recommendation is to get to your nearest naval base. An aircraft carrier is going to be large enough to house any survivors your likely to find. It has a water purifier and best of all it's mobile. That's where I'm going!
Well that concludes my initial how to survive a zombie apocalypse. Good luck and always aim for the head!