The holiday season was upon us once again. This is the time of year when family and friends gather together to celebrate the year. Carrie sat alone in her apartment listening to a holiday CD playing softly from her computer speakers. She hung the lights around her window, and across her kitchen making the apartment a little more festive. She would be having guest over soon and wanted everything to look just right.
While she went about the task of making her home look festive, inside she was someplace else. Her mind kept wandering over the events of the past year, another year in which she would celebrate the end of alone.
She had friends in the D/s community and loved them for their strength and guidance that they had given her throughout the year. She just wished she was part of a couple, she had several "offers" to be part of a poly relationship, but her heart desired to only belong to one. One man who would guide her, protect her, and love her for who she was. She wouldn't just be a play toy to him. She would not only be his submissive, but his lover, and his friend.
Throughout the year, she met several different Dominants, or those who said they were Dominants who left her doubting her own ability to satisfy a man in the way she yearned to. She felt as though there was something really wrong with her, that she couldn't seem to find a man who could love her just the way she was, a little overweight, some health issues to deal with, and what all of her friends told her was a very giving heart.
People keep saying that the right man would come along. She no longer believed there was a right man for her. She knew she was more than a play toy, she had a mind, she was getting her degree, and she had a good job. Yet all of the men she met online wanted her to move to them, and give up everything she had. That isn't a relationship, it would change who she was. She didn't want to be changed, she wanted to grow as the person she was. If someone asked you to change things about you, then you just become the person they want you to be, not the person you are.
Carrie learned the hard way, what it meant to meet someone, and be lied to about the relationship as a whole. It seemed to be a pattern with her, either they man turned out to be not a Dominant, or married and lying to himself and her. She had several relationships just slip into nothing, without a word from the man, he would just stop speaking to her, no longer take her calls, or answer any emails. Those relationships hurt the worst. Not because she was in love with the guy, but because they took a part of her friendship with them. She enjoyed the long conversations and the joy it brought into her life.
Yes there were times, when she craved the feel of a hard hand smacking her bottom, or the kiss of a flogger against her skin. There were times she physically ached from the lack of contact from a male. Even getting hugs from girlfriends was different than getting them from a strong pair of male arms.
She couldn't understand what made her so undesirable in a man's eyes that they would talk to her for a while, but once they finally met face to face they would just disappear. She knew she was a little overweight, but part of that was from the medicine she took, and she was trying hard to lose some weight. Why do guys only like the girls who are rail thin and have big chest?
She knew she could contact several of her Dom friends if she was truly in need of a session. They would temporarily give her what she needed, the need to serve, the giving up of control to someone else if only for a short period of time. This wasn't what she truly wanted though, she wanted to be able to give herself to just one Dominant, all of the time. Let him totally take control over her, guide her to be the best submissive she can be for him. She didn't want a trainer or a mentor. She wanted someone she could give herself too completely one hundred percent, including her heart. How she missed being held while she slept, when she had trouble sleeping, Wishing she could just lay there and let someone do whatever he wanted to her, make her purr, make her beg, make her scream even.
She is to the point that she has given up on looking or even hoping to find someone to share the rest of her life with. Her luck with men lately has been so bad, that she really thinks there is something wrong with her, but since no one will tell her what exactly it is that they don't like, she can't change.
For now, she would learn to be happy alone, let her imagination fuel her needs for release with her vibrator. And keep her thoughts open to maybe one day finding the happiness she craves.