Out Of The Shadows Ch. 05byingarlm©
And then he hurt me, probably deliberately, and I wondered if all I was doing was trying to pretend I was a better person than I really was. It was so hard to resist him and I was being stubborn about this, feeling self-righteous that I wasn't taking advantage of him no matter how much I wanted to corrupt him. But he didn't know the truth about what I had already done to him.
"I'm glad we kissed because at least I know why you've been avoiding me like the plague. Now that's sorted we can go back to pretending we don't want each other. That way you can protect the both of us, and my honour, seeing as that is so important to you. I'm off to bed, and in the morning we can just forget this ever happened."
"You can do that?"
"Of course I can. You're probably right, I was just lusting over you in gratitude for looking after me. And you're definitely right about me deserving better."
* * * * * *
After he turned and left the room I stood there stunned. All this time I was persuading myself he didn't want me and now I knew he did, he wasn't going to let it happen. He liked me and he would have had me even if it was just a brief fling, and he'd just shut the door on all that. I went to bed heavy hearted, wondering if I should have said what I did. I'd lied, and all the things that had happened he didn't know about, he wouldn't like me if he knew those things. He didn't anyway, but now I wanted him to know, even if it didn't make a difference. He was getting into my heart and he deserved the truth.
I barely slept, desperate to go to him and explain, nearly going into his room at one point. I cried, a lot, after years of being tough all the time. I cried because of the guilt I felt for wrecking his life, I cried because I couldn't have the relationship I wanted with him, and I cried because I feared he would reject me even further than he already had when he heard what I had to say.
I knew I looked awful when I came down to breakfast, because his expression told me. He didn't make more than basic conversation, and didn't mention the night before, so it was left to me. I didn't know how to bring it up and I waited until I had eaten while I steeled myself for the conversation I had been running over in my head all night.
"Alex, I need to talk to you about last night."
He stood and moved away, not wanting to talk. I knew this was going to be difficult.
"We agreed not to mention it."
"You decided, I didn't agree anything."
"I think we agreed that it's best nothing happens. Discussing it seems pointless. You want to talk, find a therapist. Although, if you could talk to your boss and find out how long I'm going to be stuck here I'd appreciate knowing."
He was so calm and blunt about it I was upset. Almost pretending that none of it mattered, when every part of me was sure it mattered more than anything, at least to me.
"So you're not prepared to discuss what happened, but you are going to be pissy with me about it. That's just great."
"No. Are you pissed at me because it didn't? Or because I want to talk about why it didn't?"
"We know why. I'm done talking."
"Well I'm NOT."
I didn't mean to shout at him, but I was so frustrated that he wouldn't talk. I needed him to know I had done all of this for his protection, to protect him from my lust and desire that would only hurt him, and all the things I had done to make his life worse for my own reasons.
"I'm sorry. I just don't want things to be this way between us. I don't want you to hate me."
"I don't hate you."
"Do you still trust me?"
"You shouldn't. I haven't been entirely honest with you. There are things I need to explain so you understand what I said last night."
He looked uncertain, not sure if he wanted to hear this or not, but as scared as I was of telling him I smiled when he sat down to listen to me. I distracted myself making coffee, just taking a minute or two to compose myself. I felt his eyes on me, not knowing if he was looking at me with lust or curiosity and not daring to look to find out.
Suddenly it started to pour out, about my job and how lonely it made me, how I should never have been in that club but I needed a moment of normality in my screwed up life. I told him how I hadn't had sex in years and I hadn't missed it until I saw him, and I pretty much told him what I thought when I saw him. He didn't interrupt but he laughed when I did and smiled when I told him how much I had wanted him to know I was not a bad guy.
Then I took a deep breath before I told him how I had put him in danger. Just telling him about the beating I received made me relive every moment. I knew I couldn't have protected him from it any more than I did, but it was my fault they had come and I was so upset I had not been able to. The fact that he seemed not to blame me actually made it worse. He should, it was my fault he was hurt and I had to reinforce the fact I hadn't saved him. The full feeling of helplessness hit me again and I let the tears fall, unable to stop it even if he thought less of me afterwards.
"Rob, they hit me a few times and knocked me out, but you said it yourself, they would have killed you. They probably would have killed both of us so there were no witnesses. Please stop hating yourself for this, you did as much as you could and I'm fine other than a few bruises."
"Not yet you aren't. You're still in danger and I can't forgive myself for that."
"That's crap. You've helped me all the way, we're here now and safe for the moment."
I couldn't quite believe he wasn't understanding what I was telling him. I had done all of this, put him in danger, brought him with me when we were on the run, just because I was unable to keep control of my feelings.
"I brought you with me because I wanted you. I hate myself for it, but I got you into this mess and I feel responsible, but the bottom line is I insisted on bringing you with me because you are the first man in years who made me realise what I was missing. When you were in the hospital, I did tell them you were my boyfriend for all the reasons I said, but also because I wished it could be true. Then you seemed so fed up about it when you woke I was sure you were straight but I still couldn't let you go."
"I wasn't happy to hear that the 'straight' guy I had a crush on was pretending to be my boyfriend, it just seemed unfair."
"That's my problem, why I can't get close to you. I can play pretend at that, but I can't offer it. My life is too unpredictable to have a relationship with someone, especially right now. And that's why I feel even worse about what I've done so far, and what almost happened last night. I got you beaten up, brought you here under false pretences, and then I'm trying to seduce you despite you being a virgin. I feel like the biggest sleaze on the planet."
"Seriously, you think you seduced me? What did you think when you saw my naked ass the other night?"
A lot of things made sense right then. Well, once what he said filtered through to my brain. He had been flirting with me, trying to interest me, dealing with an attraction he felt as well by encouraging me to make a move. Now, the object of all the desires I had been feeling was standing right in front of me telling me even if it could be only for a few days, he wanted me too. The shock of his admission made me speak without even thinking, and admitting the truth in my heart.
"I'm scared that with you a few days is not going to be enough."
"I'm scared of that too. But I'm more scared of never finding out and spending the rest of my life regretting not taking the chance we've been given."
"You still deserve better."
"I want you."
Those words went like a lightning bolt through my body down to my dick, and suddenly I didn't care about all the very good reasons I shouldn't be doing this. He knew them and he didn't either, although he did look a little nervous and I thought I should reassure him.
"Don't worry. I won't hurt you, and we won't do anything you don't want to."
"I'm not worried. I still trust you."
That was enough, I thought, but I couldn't make the move towards him. I was surprisingly nervous, knowing what I wanted to do but trying to work through a jumble of feelings about this and how I should start. This needed to be just perfect for him so he would always remember it fondly, not as some frantic fumble, and I needed to keep it slow so I could look back on this when he was gone and be able to remember the first time I had made love with someone.
I stood and drew him around the table into my arms, and he wrapped his around me too. He was slighter and smaller than me, but not by much and he seemed to fit perfectly against me. I began to nuzzle and kiss, aware of the softness and taste of his skin under my lips, and that he was trembling slightly, I hoped in anticipation. I could tell he really wanted this when he pulled me closer and I could feel his erection around mine and he moaned into my mouth.
We stripped each other slowly, getting tangled up in the process, and I had to take charge and take first my own and then his top off. Then I saw the reminder of what I had done to him and I froze, seeing how the bruises were improved from the last time I had seen him like this, or even the first time I had seen his chest and stomach in the hospital, but still a clear reminder of what he had gone through because of me. I knew he could tell what I was thinking when he started to talk.
"Don't think about that. It doesn't hurt me. You need to keep your mind on the job."
"My job is to keep you safe," I told him.
He just moved closer, taking them out of my sight and then starting to tease me with his tongue on my ear and neck before breathing his next words sexily into my ear.
"No. Right now your job is to make me moan with pleasure. Don't you want to hear me cry your name, beg you to touch me, to suck me, to fill me?"
Oh god, I wanted that so much, all of it, that I moaned aloud just at the words. My hands were back on his body a moment later, and his started to explore me, talking about what he wanted to do to my body as he trailed his hands over my chest and stomach. It was wonderful to feel him touching me, and it drove my need even higher so I had to pull him back to me and kiss him again. This time I didn't hold back, I explored his mouth and savoured his taste while he met me in every move.
My hands moved almost without any conscious thought to caress the buttocks I'd got a glimpse of the one night he had flashed me, and he made an odd sort of noise at the contact, then starting to grind against me in his need. It was too much and I had to pull away from him, gasping for breath and trying to control the pair of us from letting our mutual need take over too fast.
"Patience baby. We're going to take this slow."
"I don't need slow."
"I need it. Please."
I was begging, but it worked and he took a step away from me, leaning on the table behind him. The pose highlighted his lean torso and how hard he was in his jeans, and I knew that the first thing I could do for him was to lick and suck on his erection and make him come. I wanted to taste him, and I needed him naked to do it. Even the sight of the bruises couldn't dampen my arousal now.
I kissed every bit of skin I could reach, keeping my hands away from him for the moment by covering his where they were on the table, and working gradually down his body, taking my time to discover his taste and the feel of his muscles. He reacted to each touch, more so to certain areas and I made sure to pay particular attention to those, especially his hard nipples after he cried out. It seemed he didn't want me to leave them behind, but as I kept descending his tight body and knelt in front of him on the hard floor he knew what I was going to do.
When I looked up to make absolutely sure he was okay with this before I removed the rest of his clothes, his eyes were glazed with need and lust. I'd never seen anyone so lost in the moment and so gorgeous, but then I'd never loved anyone I'd been with before either. I couldn't say that out loud, but I could show him. I undid his jeans and slid his clothes to the floor, his hard cock very obvious as I did so, a few inches more of his beautiful body revealed and ones that I was going to particularly enjoy playing with.
Teasing him, I made sure to take my time getting his clothes out of the way, and getting back up his body to where I knew he'd like my attention next. I watched his face as I caressed his balls with my lips and tongue and then his cock. He tasted fresh and clean, his precum making me want more. His eyes were closed and he looked so beautiful like that I wished I could take my time, but I doubted what was probably his first blowjob would last very long.
His cries of pleasure and the feeling of his hard and warm cock in my mouth had me moaning in appreciation too. It had been far too long for me, I had missed doing this, but I had never had such feelings for the person I was with either. I could feel him trembling and see the expressions on his face, and I knew when he was about to come and started to suck him properly and play with his balls so he would treat me to his cum.
I didn't think I'd ever seen someone so completely turned to jelly after an orgasm, but I'd never seen anything prettier either. The only part of him that didn't relax was his hands and I had to prise and talk him into letting go so I could pick him up and carry him to sit down with me. He felt so good in my arms and snuggling into me I sighed and wished again that I could always be with him. I had to laugh though at what he did next, shaking his head as if to clear it and delivering probably the best review I'd ever received.
He was embarrassed when I told him how beautiful I thought he was, and at my reminder of what had just happened, but not enough that he didn't ask me for more. Take him to bed? Absolutely, if I got anywhere near as good a response to the other things I could do for him. I didn't want to put him down either although he probably could have walked, I wanted him in my arms.
He looked just as gorgeous spread out on my bed as I had imagined so many times. I couldn't take my eyes off him and he noticed, but when I went to join him he stopped me to say he wanted to see me too. His hands undoing the buttons on my fly were shaking slightly, and the feel of his hand against my aching erection was almost too much for me, and I had to stop him.
I knew he was nervous, but he also seemed pretty determined, and it was mere seconds after I got my clothes off before he was licking at my cock, teasing the head and then tracing up the sides. It wasn't that much of a touch, but I had wanted this since I first saw him, and that it was really happening had my legs going weak and me grabbing his shoulders for support.
He was good. Not maybe the best technique I'd ever known, but his tongue on me was building me faster than anyone before. I moaned as he enveloped me in wet heat, using his hand to pump the rest of me in time to his sliding movements. My Alex was making love to me and it was the most amazing feeling I'd ever known, too amazing for me to last, and I cried out as I released into his warm mouth, collapsing on the bed next to him as soon as he released me.
I pulled him into my arms again as soon as I could, needing that contact. He was perfect, wonderful, beautiful, and I couldn't have him. Putting that thought to the back of my mind I kissed him, trying to put what I was thinking into that kiss, gently holding and stroking his body. I was hard again, his erection meeting mine regularly as we slowly moved together, but this was the kind of tender moment you have with the one you love and I was in no rush for the closeness to end.
When I did pull back, gently stroking his face, I saw love in his eyes that I knew mirrored that in my own. I wanted to just tell him, but it didn't seem fair or right to do that when I couldn't offer him a future. Instead I just drank in the sight of him, his chocolate eyes so warm and dark right now, his hair messed from my caresses, and his cheeks and lips slightly flushed from what we had done.
"Are you okay baby?" I asked.
"I'm a long way past okay," he told me.
"Yeah, me too. I didn't realise how much I needed this." That wasn't it, I thought, and despite my best efforts I confessed. "I didn't realise how much I needed you."
He froze, and I knew I shouldn't have said it. So much less than I wanted to say and what he would probably love to hear, but we had a few days at most.
Let's not tell each other how much this means -- I knew that was what he meant. Pretend it is just sex while we are stuck here and not mention how much we desperately want more than that. The one thing I could do was make the most of every moment we did have, and try not to think about how much it will hurt when we have to leave. Maybe I would be able to find a way to be with him after this, but right now I didn't know if that could ever happen. One day, I hoped, I would be able to tell him I loved him and was never going to leave.
* * * * * *
We made love after that, me inside him and later on him inside me. I had never found that as enjoyable as being the top, but somehow with him it was different and better than it had ever been. I knew how much he enjoyed being taken, and being inside him felt like home. It was just sad that we couldn't admit how we felt in words, but every little touch did it anyway. I only made one mistake, when I talked to him about going to the club when we got back, and I kicked myself as soon as the words came out of my mouth.
He kissed me to shut me up, and that became the pattern from then on. Whenever one of us had such thoughts it was clear and we would either solve it ourselves by initiating some contact that almost always then turned into us having explosive sex, or the other would see and start something that ended up just the same. When I saw the sadness in his eyes I could never resist trying to cheer him up even if I knew it would only come back to one of us later. At least it was a very good way of forgetting for a moment.
Apart from the time with Alex, most of which was spent naked and pleasuring each other, sleeping to recover, and eating for energy to have more sex, the only person I had contact with was my boss. The Chief spoke to me every couple of days, but it wasn't looking too good. The most dangerous of the brothers and some key members of the gang were still unaccounted for. The evidence the police had seemed more than enough for a prosecution of everyone involved, but until they were caught I was still in danger. Without me being able to testify in person it would be much harder to convict and get the longest sentences possible.
Alex was probably safe, except that he might be used to trace me. He didn't know enough to be of use as a witness, except maybe for the attack on him, and with everything else it was unlikely they'd even bring that part into the prosecution. Knocking one guy out was hardly in the same league was most of the things they had done. He could have gone home, except for the fact the gang would now know to link him to me. I felt guilty about that, and even more guilty when I realised I was glad he couldn't go home because I wanted him to myself.
After the call when I learned about who had been taken into custody, I saw the look on Alex's face straight away. I knew he hated those calls, sure each one meant the end of us. I pulled him into a hug immediately, telling him what was up while I held him tight, feeling his relief when he heard the news.
"Is it wrong that I'm kind of glad they haven't caught them yet?" he asked.