tagHumor & SatireSteve the Man of Virtue

Steve the Man of Virtue


Steve the Man of Virtue



Steve sat on the sofa at home one Sunday afternoon when all of a sudden he felt sexually aroused. His birthday had only been last week, and he had turned thirty. What really bothered him during my birthday was the fact that he was still a virgin. His friends at work had been putting him down for being a virgin. He feared that if I didn't put in significant effort to have sex while he was still somewhat young, he would blow the opportunity forever and may regret it when he was an old man.

To be fair to Steve, he had had a sexual experience before with another man, but during that incident he wasn't able to maintain an erection, so in his mind that incident did not count.

About a month ago Steve picked up his brother and, while looking for a parking spot, he noticed that he was parked right next to a "relaxation centre." That night he looked on the internet and realized that this was a fully licensed brothel. If he was unable to attract a woman naturally, he might have to resort to prostitution.

Realizing that his pondering this issue only led to despair, Steve stood up and walked to the bedroom door. He made sure it was locked because he was about to look at pornography and he didn't want his mom walking in. When he returned to his computer, Steve turned on a slideshow that shuffled randomly through thousands of pornographic images on his computer, presenting each image for five seconds before moving on to the next image. Most of these images were pornographic images from the internet, but not all of it was pornographic. He also like to collect images of cars that he liked, such as Ferraris, Bugattis, and even some Toyotas.

For thirty minutes Steve lifted dumbbells. While body building, he had the speakers on his computer turned on, and a media player program played his collection of music. He loved listening to Mozart, Bach, Holst, Vivaldi, and Handel.

While body building, he stared at the computer screen, staring at the pornographic images that shuffled in front of his eyes. Since the bedroom had no windows, it was darkened even though it was one o'clock during the day. The darkened room, the music, the images of beauty before his eyes, the smell of sweat, as well as the dizzying heat from exercise—all this created a solemn mood within Steve. He felt both anxious and angry.

After the body building, he crossed off the task from his to-do list for the day. Since he had been exercising, both his pants and t-shirt were soaked in sweat. He stripped naked and left his clothes on the carpet. His mother would pick it up eventually. He checked today's weather forecast on the internet. It was going to be hot, which was not surprising given it was summer. He opened the wardrobe. He had twelve t-shirts and twelve short pants that he wore for hot days. He pulled out two dice from his pocket, rolled them on the desk, and received a sum of nine. He took the ninth t-shirt from the left. He rolled the dice again and received a sum of two, so he took the second short pants from the left. He put his clothes on and walked out of the bedroom.

Steve wanted to go to the bathroom to floss his teeth, but while he was in the corridor he saw his mother. Steve, at six feet tall, was five inches taller than his mother, who was a slim brunette with small breasts and a face with sharp and distinctive features.

"Steve, are you hungry yet?" asked Mother. "You haven't eaten since the morning."

Steve nodded. "Uh, yep. I'm hungry."

She looked at her watch. "It's already lunch. I'll go microwave you some lasagna, okay?"


Steve went to the bathroom and flossed his teeth. He went back to his bedroom to cross off the task from his to-do list before walking to the kitchen to eat. He sat on the kitchen table with his mom opposite him. Both mother and son ate lasagna.

"Where's dad?" Steve asked.

"I don't know." The mother shrugged. "He just left this morning."

"I might go walk around soon to get some exercise."

Mother nodded. "So how's work?"

Steve shrugged. "Alright. Nothing much happening."

"Have you saved enough for a home yet?"

"You want me to move out?"

"I'm not forcing you to move out, but I think getting a house would be good for you. A house is a good investment, Steve, and maybe you'll get married one day, so you'll definitely need to move out."

Steve shook his head. "A house is not a good investment, and neither is marriage."

The mother's eyes widened.

Steve spoke. "I pay you three hundred month to help you pay the bills. Is that not enough?"

Mother smiled. "That's more than enough, Steve. I just, I don't know, I just want to see you happy."

"I'm satisfied with my life."

"You're thirty now, and you have a good job, and you're handsome..." Mother started laughing. "I don't want to see you waste what you've got. You should get married."

Steve shook his head. "There's no point. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. The expected return from marriage is negative. I don't want to mess with divorce lawyers and marriage counsellors. The average marriage celebration costs over twenty thousand. It's not worth it."

"But you can afford it. How much money do you have now?"

"My net worth is about four-hundred thousand."

"Wow! You won't even need to get a mortgage to buy a house. Just buy it with cash. Your wife will be very lucky to have you as a husband. With the money you have you can buy a lovely diamond ring for her."

"When I was young, you always told me to save up and live below my means, and now you want me to buy a diamond ring."

"You have to spend money on something. What will do with all that money?"

"I will spend it on necessities."

"Like what?"

"Food, water, shelter, clothes, energy, guns..."

"What do you need guns for?"


"I don't think that's necessary."

"You complain about corrupt politicians all the time, Mom. What if one day they came out to get us?"

Mother laughed. "I think you need to relax and be optimistic. Steve, please. Just be normal. Is this how you behave at work?"

"Mom, don't worry. I'm happy being single. I'm not good around women anyway. Women hate me!"

Mother thought for a moment. "If you can't find a good wife, I can find one for you."

"You want to arrange a marriage for me?"

"Why not? I have connections. I can talk to friends. I know many young girls for you. I can set up a date. I know many women who would kill to marry my son." Her face beamed with pride. "What do you think, Steve?"

He sighed. "I don't know about it." He shook his head. "I don't think I'll..."

"Come on!" interrupted his mother. She put her hand on his elbow. "Please, Steve, give it a try."

"Maybe," he said. "I suppose."


Steve felt excited with the prospect of meeting his new date, but he was also quite nervous. He looked at his watch and noticed it was still five in the afternoon, and his dinner date wasn't in a few hours. He checked his wallet and noticed that he had ten one-hundred dollar bills inside (one thousand dollars in total), which was plenty of money.

Since he had done everything he needed to do for the day (e.g. body building), Steve wanted to look at pornography. In one drawer in his desk he had hundreds of CDs, all filled with pornography. He grabbed a random CD from the draw and put it in the CD-ROM driver in his computer. He decrypted the contents of the CD and, before opening the files, stood up and made sure his bedroom door was locked.

Steve noticed the pornographic files were not picture files but video files. He put earphones on to listen to the audio. The pornographic video he watched today featured a young girl, maybe nineteen, giving oral sex to a man whose upper body was concealed with a white blanket. Steve's pants were down to his knees. He rubbed his erect penis. He paused from the masturbation and grabbed a bottle filled with vegetable oil, which he used as lubricant.

After spreading the vegetable oil all over the palm of his right hand, he heard the door on his bedroom shaking.

"Steve," said his mother. "Open up."

Steve freezed. Very quickly he grabbed facial tissues and wiped his hands till they were dry. He stopped the video, pulled up his pants, and turned off the monitor.

When Steve opened the door, his mother took a step inside and looked suspiciously at the room.

"It's very humid in here," she said. "You look very tired, Steve. You should have a shower now."

"It's okay, Mom. I don't need a shower yet. I'll have one at night."

"I've arranged the date with you tonight," said Mother. "If you don't know already, her name's Ella. Go have a shower now. She'll be here soon."

"How long will this date be?"

Mother laughed. "It depends. Maybe she'll invite you over to her house. It might take a long time."


Steve had showered and dressed up in the same suit he usually wore to work. The colour of his tie was randomized with dice. Tonight he wore a light-blue necktie. His mother groomed his hair for him.

He was at first worried about the date, but when Steve saw Ella walk into the house, he felt different. She was a beautiful woman, slim, maybe five feet tall with blonde shoulder-length hair and light blue eyes. She wore a black dress and had small-to-medium-sized breasts. She looked very elegant.

Steve walked up to her and shook her hand. "Hi, I'm Steve," he said shyly.

Ella smiled. She had straight white teeth. "I already know your name, Steve. Your mother's already told me so much about you."

Steve looked at his mother nervously before looking back. "So where are we going tonight?"

Ella shrugged. "It's up to you."

"I don't know," said Steve. "As far as my preferences are concerned, I am indifferent."

Steve's mother spoke. "What about the Shark Fin Inn, that Chinese restaurant?"

Ella's eyes widened with excitement. "Oh, yes, that's what I had in mind myself."

"I don't know that place," said Steve. "You'll have to direct me while I drive."

"Are you driving or am I driving?" asked Ella.

"Maybe we should roll a die," said Steve. "An odd number means I drive."

Steve's mom interrupted quickly before Steve had a chance to move. "Take your car, Ella. You drive him. I'll be using Steve's car tonight to do some late-night grocery shopping."

Steve and Ella left the house and walked outside to Ella's car on the side of the road. The sun was just setting. Steve noticed that Ella drove a BMW 320i. It was probably more comfortable that his Ford Ka. Steve was just thankful that he didn't have to drive because he hated driving. The couple got into the BMW, Ella in the driver's seat and Steve in the passenger's seat.

"Your mom tell me you have an office job with the government," said Ella.

Steve thought about whether his workplace could really be defined as an office. "I suppose, although it really depends on your definition of an office."

"So what do you do exactly?"

"I'm an accountant. I've been working with the government now for a little over five years."

"I see. It's good that you're such a successful guy. The last few guys I dated were losers. One of them was a garbageman."

"So you're a gold digger?"

Ella had been fiddling with the car keys but now froze. "I'm not a gold digger," she said defensively. "I want a man with ambition. I want a man who knows what he wants."

"I must warn you that I'm not very ambitious," said Steve. "Very often I don't know what I want, and very often I let randomness control me. I find that those who are decisive make bad decisions because they don't think through their decisions, and most decisions in life are so complicated that it is just so liberating to let yourself be ruled by randomness, by nature."

Ella started the car and revved the engine.

Steve spoke. "So what do you do for a living, Ella?"

"I'm a scientist. I work at the Howard Hughes Lab."

"So you do biomedical research?"

She nodded. "Yeah."

"Are you trying to find the cure for malaria?"

Ella laughed. "No, I don't think so. Actually I don't even know what we're doing. The head scientist knows all that."

"You know, a cure for malaria would save many lives in Africa."

Ella smiled and shook her head. "I don't really care about my job. Don't talk about science. I don't want to think about it. I wish I had a job that allowed me to earn money from doing nothing."


Ella was excited to go to dinner at Shark Fin Inn. A waiter ushered her and Steve to a seat, and as she sat waiting for meals to be delivered to her, she looked at her surrounding and took note of all the people around her. Ella loved being in places that were filled with many people. The last thing she wanted was to be alone and isolated. She liked being around people because it made her feel like she was somewhere special.

Initially Ella wanted to eat the shark fin soup, which she heard was delicious at this restaurant, but after browsing through the food that was displayed to her, she decided to mainly eat rice and oyster.

After dinner finished, Ella invited Steve to stay over at her house, and Steve accepted the invitation. Ella lived in a small apartment in South Yarra near the city. She parked her BWM in the underground car park and took Steve up the lifts to her apartment. Ella figured this would be a good opportunity for Steve to meet her roommate Leni.

Ella and Steve walked into the apartment to find Leni sitting on the wooden floor playing with toy cars. Steve noticed that Leni was almost a carbon copy of Ella. Both were young, slim blonde girls. Leni was definitely a teenager but Steve was unsure whether she was over eighteen or not.

"Leni, this is Steve, my date, and Steve this is Leni, my roommate. You two spend some time with each other while I go upstairs to get changed. Maybe all three of us can go out to have supper somewhere."

It seemed as if Leni had collected multiple Matchbox cars. She seemed to be playing a game whereby she used a rubber band to propel her small car along the wooden floor.

"Wow, my Ferrari goes so far!" said Leni. "It's much better than that Subaru." Leni looked up at Steve. "Where's Ella?" she asked. "Why isn't she playing? Do you want to play with me?"

"She's upstairs getting changed," said Steve. "She'll be down in a moment." Steve felt awkward because Leni seemed like a very unusual girl, but nevertheless she seemed harmless and very enthusiastic.

"Maybe she's making money with her computer."

Steve looked at Leni with a confused expression. "What do you mean? How is Ella making money with a computer?"

Leni rolled her eyes. "Don't you know? She shows herself naked to other people."

Steve was silent for a while. "Ummm...Okay then. That's interesting."

Leni forgot about her cars and got up. "Let's go have a look. Comon, Steve, let's go spy on Ella!"

Both Leni and Steve stood outside Ella's bedroom door, which was partly opened. They could tell the girl was inside on the computer because they could all hear the sound of the keyboard buttons being pressed. Ella was typing something.

Leni looked at Steve. "You go in there, Steve."

"Why do I have to go in?" asked Steve. "Why can't you do it? Why are we even up here?"

"Because Ella is naked in there! Just walk in and go have a look. I'm sure she'll love it."

Steve was curious. He had no idea why Leni was acting so strange and he was interested to know if Ella was the sort of woman who would prostitute herself over the internet to make money, which was what Ella was suggesting. He didn't know whether this was good behaviour or bad behaviour, but nevertheless he was curious.

Steve took a deep breath and walked into the bedroom by himself. When he got in, he noticed that Ella was not on the computer anymore. She was standing at the wardrobe fully clothed in very fashionable clothing, as if she was getting ready to go somewhere. Steve glanced at the computer screen and noticed that Ella was doing something with her e-mail.

"Oh, hello, Steve!" Ella smiled brightly when she saw him walk into her bedroom.

Steve looked suspiciously at the girl. She was not normally as happy as she was now. Something strange was happening.

"Where are you going for supper?" he asked.

"Where do you want to go, or do you want to just stay here?"

Something about the way Ella acted was odd. He noticed that near Ella's computer was a door leading to the bathroom. Ella's bedroom led to her very own personal bathroom.

"Ella, I...uh...I think I need to go use your toilet please. I need to go all of a sudden."

Ella looked up suddenly. "Yes, okay! Okay then." She very eagerly moved the bathroom door and smiled at Steve. "Come on then, let's go!"

Steve walked into the bathroom and curiously Ella followed him inside.

"Okay, take off your pants now, Steve."

"What for?"

"Just do it," said Ella. "Do you want me to suck your cock?"

"Okay, but first I need to urinate."

Steve kicked away his pants and took off his Bob the Builder underwear. He sat on the toilet, aimed the head of his penis into the toilet bowl, and squeezed as much as possible. But nothing came out. He felt nervous.

All of a sudden, to Steve's horror, Ella stepped outside the bathroom and went back into her bedroom. She came back in ten seconds later but, interestingly, she came back in carrying a digital camera.

"What's that for?" asked Steve.

Ella looked at Steve. "Can I please take some pictures of you, Stevie? I really like you so much."

"Take pictures of me?"

"I just want to take pictures," said Ella. "I really like seeing you and I want to have pictures to remind me of you when you're not with me because I miss you so much."

Ella was acting strange. "I don't want people to see me naked," said Steve, putting his head down and feeling his face get hot with embarrassment. "Please don't!"

"Ow, I'm sorry," said Ella, putting her camera down. She stood silently, thinking about something. She then looked at Steve again with those pleading eyes. "If you let me take pictures of you, I promise I won't take pictures of your face. Nobody will know it's you."

"You just want to take pictures of my feet?"

"Uhh...just your cock."

"My cock?"

"And your butt."

"My bottom?"

"I won't get your face. I promise! And if you let me take pictures of your cock and butt, I promise I'll give you three thousand dollars."

Steve's face lit up. "That's a lot of money!"

Ella nodded vigorously. "All you got to do is let me take pictures of your little wiener and bottoms. I promise I won't show anyone the picture. Also, if you let me take pictures, I'll let you fuck me. You can even fuck my roommate Leni. I reckon you'd like that. You can fuck both of us."

"I don't' know. I don't think I want to."

Ella locked the bathroom door. Steve was worried but the thought of making money and having access to two lovely girls was enticing.


Steve opened his eyes and found himself looking at the familiar walls of his bedroom. His mind recalled the events of the previous night when Ella, his date, wanted to take pictures of his private part. He could not recall anything else, which puzzled him. He started to worry. What happened? Why couldn't he remember anything? Did Ella take the pictures?

He walked out of the bedroom and looked around the house, trying to find his mother, but there was nobody in the house. The place was mysteriously empty. He took out his mobile phone and tried to call his mother but a phone on the coffee table started ringing. If his mother had gone somewhere then she had forgotten her phone at home, but this was unusual behavior because almost always brought her mobile phone along with her wherever she went.

Not really knowing what to do, Steve grabbed his mother's mobile phone and scrolled through the contact list. He found Ella's number and rang her up.

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