All Comments on 'Whispers'

Beautiful and truthfull !

Thanks for sharing.

This text has a composition which is very awkward to a reader, it feels outright embarrassing. There is no place here for poetry. Indeed, there is

1. N = narrator; 2. Y = you; 3. S = she.

The scene is supposed to be highly intimate, Instead N is everywhere, N is watching Y's hand on S' thigh, and N describes the S' breast to Y (see stanza 3)..

Let's start from the beginning. Remember that an author has to provide a sensual report, and the readers have to reproduce it, and then they may provide an interpretation (different readers may provide different interpretation or even more than one). This means that the author's words have to make sense, the author should be responsible for their words; then the reader has to be SERIOUS about the author's words--that's what poetry is about.

The L1-2 are fine:

*** Shafts of filtered sunlight

****** dancing on the bed

Then:

Author, L3: Warms the silken pillow

Reader: dances on the bed but warms the pillow? C'mon...

Author, L4: beneath your pretty head

Reader: ... beneath head? That's a nonsense! Dancing on the bed, and warming the pillow, where the pillow is under the head?! (UNDER???)

Then stanza 2 and 4 are awful while stanza 3 takes away any romantic/poetic feelings. One could go into details of stanza 2 and 4 but perhaps the things are so obvious that there is no need.

Best regards,

-- SJ