All Comments on 'WSIM24B Ch. 04'

I have to admit this chapter seems sex-heavy. I'm by no means going to ding the account for it, but I will say there might be a few readers here and there that may. It's obvious Thorn has to proceed slowly, and Jay most certainly is playing all of this very close to the vest. I don't know how much Major Lean figures into this, and obviously Professor Cable is really the lowest female on this totem pole, and I really wouldn't think that she's really involved for more than just some kind of plausible deniability, or perhaps being made the scapegoat somewhere down the line. Now oddly enough, Taylor mentioned the registrar, but we heard really nothing after that, and it makes sense that since the registrar is the person who enlists talent, that she has to have her finger in the pie somewhere. It's pretty obvious that Jay heads all this; the fact she's extra paranoid from the camera coverage proves it. The other thing is is that you don't get to be a full-bird colonel without having made a lot of important connections in the ranks from top to bottom--although she may have a lot in the top-heavy part of the category. Major Lean definitely figures into this, but this is where Thorn and his possible assholery is needed most, because it's clear that Lean will respond carnally and can be manipulated that way; Carina earns tons of sympathy, and although it wouldn't be unlike you to use her as the ultimate sob story--which just hit me, because Thorn is using the sob story to get into Taylor's orbit-- so at the same time, you've provided no tells regarding Carina to suspect that she's anything more than a seriously-neglected woman that can also be manipulated although that one could really hurt if you already made plans to play her that way. If you're really planning to slow-roll developing her, and basically bring her along under Thorn's tutelage and personal touch and care shall we say...then having developed that confidence may prove Thorns biggest ally, as well as Carina herself. I think it's pretty plain that Carina is the serious underdog here, and although she is a professor, she's not going to have any type of significant influence within that academy unless she is somehow a secret investigative plant--just like it seems Taylor is. It's obvious Taylor, being a secretary, will most definitely know far more of the ins and outs then what the average person suspects. At the same time, he needs to cultivate Lori, and what should win your story a lot of sympathy is that Thorn isn't trying to use Lori at all, and he's trying to play it as close to the truth without exposing himself nor his real mission there. Additionally, Lori really is a great find, and I hope she's just a regular character that you're not planning to use as a major curveball later so I'm looking forward to seeing how Thorn handles the three female cadets coming for a drink... ostensibly in the next chapter. The fact that they are overly sensitive should make them easy to utilize, although just having a regular female mad at you can be some serious revenge that you have to account for.

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You kill me with some of your remarks at certain times like when Lori is with Thorn and commands him to do certain things in the pool table area, he quips "now there are some orders I don't mind following." Additionally concerning these remarks, you kind of pull a Marvel Deadpool where he's talking about that "I need some intelligence, and before you say something smart-assed... f you!" That's really hilarious to direct a remark at the readers, as it's an underutilized technique, but is one that has to be used sparingly too. The other thing is yay for you making Thorn stand up for himself so he didn't have to role play dropping the soap with the colonel. Yeah ...that isn't a type of humiliation that anyone should have to experience unless that's just their fetish. You created appropriate tension, and it's good that he was able to use his wits in such a commanding way, because once more, you don't get to be a colonel without knowing when you can push people around, and typically you probably have a way with words that is some kind of a talent beyond just your rank. But having him stand up for himself, and standing his ground with her was just priceless--especially because he always remarks how lifeless she stares at him, as if she has no soul.

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I'll wait chapter 5 with bated breath, because I'm curious to see how Taylor pans out, because it only makes sense that the investigative arm of this military organization would put somebody in at the student level, to most definitely throw off the average person's suspicion that they were being looked at. The only thing is that if Taylor truly is a fellow investigator, it can add an interesting wrinkle... because then how much of an act is she putting on compared to Thorn? How good is she really at her craft? Thorn possesses pretty good detective skills and has sniffed out head fakes before, but Taylor may prove an interesting challenge. I'm just looking for Lori to be the average girl you say she is, but coming through with regular street-level intel, and perhaps even getting those spry-old codgers in the act to at least pass on some curious happenings or slightly less-known rumors that may have circulated but only within certain circles.

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Looking forward to more, and as I believe already said, I've already rated this a 5. You are succeeding very well at utilizing and developing a different type of main character as opposed to ones you had in the past like Major Cook from "Westrons."

The problem is that none of this brings us any closer to what's going on. What would make cadets quit at a time when they should have been home free? And HOW - IN - THE - HELL is that making the officers money? ...Blackmail?

Another 5 stars, you confusing bastard.

Great story, very interested to see where this is going

Well, since anyone who wouldn't give this 5 stars is not to be taken seriously, I won't bother to say what I did. It says something that C..82 (I'm to lazy to type the whole thing), is able to a write small novella's worth of apropos critique and speculation. Somewhat more succinct but also on point is HDL with "Another 5 stars, you confusing bastard."

Not sure what I can add that hasn't been covered by the only two commenters showing up as I post.

Nonetheless, I have marveled when commenting on previous stories, about AspernEssling's incredible ability to produce quality content in such prodigious quantity while working with such a wide variety of themes. This merely continues that trend in what may eventually topple WESTRONS as my all time favorite. It's early days yet, but my god what a start.

I really, really like your style and your story. Many thanks for writing!

Less sex, more action, please.

Such good stuff here. Great and varied sex scenes. Emotion where it makes sense, none where it doesn’t. Love Mayne/Thorne’s POV. Sex is meaningful with the women he likes. And not with the women he doesn’t.

Great chapter. And that’s what it is: a chapter. I don’t get the too much/little sex comments. This is a Novella/Novel. You have to look at the whole, not the individual parts. And, btw, this is an erotica site. People expect sex! I love a good story, but I’m here because I expect some physical intimacy. If you don’t, there are lots of mainstream books on Amazon.

I think your storytelling is so good, readers want it all. The classic want your cake and eat it too. Tough to do when you’re releasing pieces of a larger story.

Alright, rant over…loved Lori. I hope she stays, but I’m not getting hooked to any character because of how this is shaping up. It’s still too fluid. That said, Lori is real. And I like real.

Taylor…it wasn’t explicit. But it sure sounds like there’s the potential for her to be counterintelligence. If that’s the case…I’m all-in on a spy v. spy meets erotica story. Cold War Berlin in space? Yes please!

Colonel Jay is great. Has the potential to be a great villain.

It’s hard to critique bigger picture issues without knowing other details. I can’t comment on the plot or lack of a classic conflict without knowing how long the story is. What I do know is this…great buildup, interesting characters and environment, and lots of potential. Where you go from here, I’m eager to find out. Eager being the key word. I’m engaged. You have my attention. And it’s rapt.