Beautifully written, rich and detailed, very involving, with a wonderful, if sentimental, ending--and what's wrong with sentimental? All the best to Tyler and Marisa, let's hear it for his Honor, and let's hope for more new stories very soon!
Don't let it end.
I know you're finished,(gotta love a story that finally gets to an end) but now you can take a few of those side dishes and work on making a meal out of them.
Obvious to me that you've got the makings of a series here. Isn't what the public wants? So go out, start the series, sign them," the Judge" and then those in the know will buy them 1st editions and you'll have a money making hobby.
Don't stop here though.
One of the best, and your best so far.
I do believe your female characters were well developed, from Kristin to his mother. The all 'felt' real to me.
I would like to 'hear' more about the books and movies sales and progress but that would be a totally new story line.
I loved it! I knew Marissa would clean up her act for the party, however I never had a clue how you would write it. Well played!
Backed in 2007 , a serial story captivated me. It was posted daily for 22 straight days. I used to get up at 4:30 to read it before my morning workout. I never thought I would feel that way again. Your characterisations of the females were really excellent. I was so glad you worked the mother into the mix.
The ending worked perfectly for me.
Tis is why the ending works. Kirsten left because she was bored and she seemed to have had a fairy tale life that was devoid of any real trauma or turmoil. Marisa left because she has been to a lot of pain and personal rejection which we don't know a whole lot about (but we can surmise).
I think the reaction Maria had -- her apprehension and anxiety - in meeting Kirstin and his other friends at the Friday evening get together made her running before the big book signing a lot more believable.
Personally if it was me... I probably would not have chased after her. On the other hand the comment from the mother asking Tyler if he had actually told her that He Love Her (Marisa) is a pretty telling point.
In addition the dialog between Tyler and his friends and even the Hollywood stars it is reasonable without being over the top . This is sort of a pet peeve of mine because the the number one problem I find in serious LW stories is the male dialog which is often overdone to the nth degree th th th even with some really fine authors/ writers. Most enjoyably Rehnquist usually gets this part of the story down just write which is why I in my view his dialogue and conversations.... especially between men ---is very Robert B Parker like.
For what it's worth I think Kirsten is ability to figure out that if in fact she said something to sabotage the relationship between Marisa and Tyler.... it would end ANY relationship between her and Tyler and harm their son deeoply.. shows more significant growth in her personality and character.
Maybe maybe just maybe... she has a Core of decent person in there trying to fight its way out after all.
This is an example of what good writing is allabout---I could not wait to see the next chapter-and the next--
Tremendous writing, and the story flowed nicely from beginning to end with no awkward transitions. The female character development was very well done particularly the one with Tyler's mother in the last chapter.
Please keep writing, it's a pleasure to read your work. I'm sad to see this story end but I will being looking forward to the next one.
I liked the plot and the ending (even though the author did kind of telegraph what was likely to happen). Pacing was about right. Great fantasy!
You have grown as a writer. I have enjoyed each of your stories more as you have submitted them. As has been previously stated by other commentators, please continue to favor us with more stories.
Thanks for a really good read.
I'm very pleased to find story with a beginning and an end, especially with characters that were developed enough to allow the reader to care about their lives. I've read all your postings and this is your best work by far. Please consider these characters in future works, maybe as "extras" in another story with Kristen or Susan as the feature. Tyler and Marisa are going to be interacting with both for a long time and it would be a pleasure to check back in with them from time to time. Thanks again for a superior read.
Five. And, even though you've asked for additional constructive criticism, I think I'll let what little I've attempted suffice.
I'm a reader ( and a fan ) who does not like to begin a story until it is posted completely. I may have missed the information ( and probably did ) but how many more chapters do you have to post until the story is complete?
I felt Marissa would end up being the best match for Tyler because they both had suffered rejection and the shared pain gave them a starting point. Marissa intellect matched Tyler's and her attention to detail and her skill of observing human interaction allowed her to see the obvious. It was Marissa that could see that Kristin's child was Tyler. Her brains made her an object of desire to men that had never met her. Congratulations on a great story and series. Looking forward to future postings. Let's hope that between filing and reading briefs that you'll have time to give us more. A sequel would be appreciated.
I liked the way the story flowed and didn't give you time to forget who was who and their place in the story. All in all a very captivating story. Thanks and hope to read more from you in the near future.
Your fine writing and plot development obviously do not need my limited ideas. Yet, here are my suggestions, which I humbly submit, for a continuing set of stories. First, Kristin has grown as a human being, needs love, and still has to raise a son without a man in the house. She certainly could be invited to an event connected with Tyler's book or movie and, with her great looks as a starter, meet someone who could complete her, perhaps with his own child. That would give you some room for Tyler to feel jealous at least as to Ben's love.
Secondly, Marisa's new conventional and beautiful appearance attracts men. Now, though, she can be confident in herself with Tyler's love and perhaps face temptation from someone associated with the movie she is helping to write. We could then learn more about Marisa's past hurts and see how her new suitor or shark puts more pressure on Tyler: can it happen again to him? I think she would stay true to him, but there would be room for major tension until the final.
...pation as Dr. Frank-N-Furter would say. Gotta love it.
I too have read all of your stories and this one was the best. I enjoyed it tremendously and thought your desire to flesh out the female characters enabled you to grow as a writer. I felt I knew Susan and Marisa and Kristen and Allie and while your decision to have Marisa drop her Goth personal was predictable and expected, I could still visualize the reactions you described when she walked in to the book party. Please continue writing and use ALL these characters in other stories!
I can only reinforce what others have said. Your female character development is the best: realistic, believable, consistent yet changing and growing. I did end up liking Kristin, as well as all of the other female characters. The only somewhat negative comment: Tyler was almost too good, a real super hero. But since I am a 72 year old male chauvinist thats ok.
I read a lot on this site, I have never given a 5 but I did this time.pls keep writing
I've enjoyed many stories on literotica, including your others. Not being a critic or editor, I don't feel qualified to comment on character development like you requested. As a fan, I feel comfortable to comment: Great story. Easy read. Characters felt real. Really enjoyed your work. I'm very glad you submitted this story in short order, cause like you, I'm also getting impatient with Mr DanielQSteele's nest chapter. Thank you for the effort you put into my reading pleasure.
Kristen said, "Just watching my dreams shatter."
One of the best lines I have read in some time. That line summed up the entire disaster that "was" a marriage.
OK, you asked for comments on the character development of the women in the story. In a word (or two) well done. I got to see them as multi-dimensional characters and not just big breasted females who assumed a horizontal position on occasion. Actually, you did something else with your female characters, you made me like them even if they started out being unlikeable and that is hard to do.
Marisa: I realized that you were going to have Tyler end up with her and given his talent as an author, there is a good fit. My heart is still with Susan for some reason, so I am left with a bittersweet taste as the story ends. One irrational reason for this is that I hate tatoo's on women, particularly around their sexual essence. Thirty years down the road, that tatoo will look like shit, but a lot of people are going to find that out in real life.
Please write another, you are very talented.
It was a great story! Thanks again for sharing it with us.
I think that you did a good job of redeeming Kristin though. This was a better ending, make no mistake. But I could see that it would have been possible for Tyler and Kristin to reconcile if Marisa had not come into his life. You brought Kristin back to the point where the reconciliation might not have been so difficult to swallow.
Great ending! Great Story! Thanks Rehnquist!
you need no feedback on this, because you nailed it.
i would have paid to have read this, actually, i have a feeling that someday soon, i just may (to reread)
that's how great it is
thank you for sharing it with us...
followup...stories with continuing characters would be great.
You had an interesting storyline but somehow the middle and some of the latter chapters are not as good as the promising start. You seemed to be dropping the ball a bit there.
Also I miss some decent closure to the story. It feels as if an epilogue is needed to round up the story. How do Tyler and Marisa fare. What happens to the other characters and Tyler's relation to them. That's what I find lacking.
It's a good story that could have been really great.
Like you, I'm an attorney; & in fact, I'm working on my next appellate brief right now (well, just not right this minute - I stopped to read this last installment). You're writing is just fantastic; I really enjoyed this work in particular. Your female characters in particular are very well articulated & alive. I wonder how you find the time to write; I spend so much time writing non-fiction professionally like you, but I've started about 7 different stories, but can't seem to find the time to finish them. Anyway, thanks for your stories, I hope you keep going, you've just gotten better in each posting.
story overall was very good, good characters for a short story. My only thoughts were Kristin's behaviour. The sudden change from selfishness & lies to remorse was a bit quick. I think most of the elements of real life situation were there but not explained enough, time line was too quick for me to be totally realistic, but that's just me perhaps. People like Kristin's character usually defend their shity behaviour to the last and then when the world drops out beneath them they wonder why and take a lot of time to accept they did it to themselves & family & friends. It may have been interesting to have explored this process. just my 2c worth lol
I don't usually comment on stories... even if I love them, but you shamed me into this one!
I have enjoyed all your stories for the plots, the characters, the pure energy that you've put into them... plus the sex of course! This is an erotic site.
"What you wish for" is the best you've done. I believed your women and agree with one reader when he said that Kristen's line about dreams shattering was the best ever!
Keep up the good work!
Can;t say you portrayed women correctly as I am male and never understood them. The story was wonderful, and one of the best I've read. Please continue writing stories.
Not a criticism, but the ending didn't leave me with the feeling I experienced reading the rest of the story. Just not quite fulfilled, for lack of a better term. Maybe because the rest of the story was so interesting I expected more of a BANG at the end.
. . . is just a little inconsistent in my mind. It's not inconsistent with Tyler, he was a hopeless romantic from the start. I think mostly inconsistent using Marisa - Princess of Hardbitten. The question really is this, does every girl, no matter how much she rejects the Barbie dress up notion still retain that in her genetic structure? If she does then I am wrong, but if that is culturally learned it can be culturally rejected. The only way Marisa fits into this last chapter is the reference to Carl Hiaason. He can and does write characters just like Marisa's Goth to Butterfly. I love his books but they take forever to read because I have to stop and grin or burst out laughing so often.
About your women, you have done well. I wish I could create them as rich as you have. The only scene I questioned at all, and only question, not reject, was the party scene. Women can be accepting of an outsider as Allisyn, Kristen and their female friends were to Marisa, but that happens infrequently. Let's face it, women are catty to each other in competative situations. Still, the way you wrote the scene showed recognition of that in the way Tyler observed from his vantage.
On the whole, a very nice story Chief Justice, and I will be among the many who await your next venture. I guess I better get to work and finish the two I have in the fire. 'Till next time.
The scene with clint eastwood and stephen king was a bit campy and over the top. I read somewhere that Stephen king is almost legally blind. I didn't see much in the way of better developed female characters just more of them in the central focus of the story. Kristin was an empty character, Susan was shallow and marisa lacked any explanation as to why she was so scared or why she felt the need to hide behind the goth facade. It was still a good story and you told it well. I enjoyed all of it but felt the ending was a bit abrupt and lacking.
Knew it...from chapter three on, you'd find a way to justify Susan - you dared us to guess...nice job!
Also knew that Marissa would dress stunningly as a beautiful fox for him in the end...again - nice job!
I tried to read slowly so it would last. Didn't work out so well. I knew it was Marisa. I'm just glad Susan found someone. The women were well represented and fleshed out. Especially Kristin. You did a fabulous job. Thanks for redeeming Kristin instead of making her the cliched cheating wife with no heart. The reality is a lot of women tend to finally grow up once they become mothers and she was no different. Excellent job. This is why you're in my favorites.
My first thought was disappointment at the undefined loose ends of the major characters...but then I thought that you are right to leave them to the imagination of the reader. Ok, maybe one exception...Ben is the innocent here, and it would be comforting to know he makes out well.
Yes. Artfully. Not through narrative or reference to external events, but through their actions and their dialogue. I know it is harder to do, and the temptation before achieving your level of art is to fall back on short cuts. Having achieved this level of smooth character development within the natural flow of the story, you will want to continue and improve yet more. You know the reward of the feeling of accomplishment before the critics and readers respond with praise. They confirm your feelings, but do not originate them. There are men's characters to develop. No criticism, you did well -- you can do better. I encourage to put in the time and effort to grow in your art. I enjoy it greatly.
though how you find the time is beyond me... Beautiful work. Like Tyler we all lost our hatred for Kristin but we would not want her on our six in the future. Ben will come through great, if they can avoid spoiling him..
Thanks again for your hard work.
First, really people, thank you very much for all of your comments, both good and bad. I've written quite a few here before, and nothing has garnered nearly this type of commenting. Now I know how DQS feels!
And while we're on DQS, you should all know that I tease him only in pure jest. He is probably--no, definitely--one of my three favorite authors currently posting in this genre routinely. (The other two shouldn't be hard to figure out: HDK and Ohio.) Yes, we're all aggravated he doesn't post a new chapter of WWWM every day, but the chapters he does post are extraordinary.
Now a few comments on my thought process during the story. (No, these aren't defenses; they're just what I was thinking.)
1. Tyler as superhero. Actually, HDK and I exchanged several e-mails on this theme early on. My thoughts are simple: Sorry, but I want my characters to all be just a little bit better than average. Think of the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child or Tom Clancy's superhero who goes from CIA analyst to head of the CIA to the White House and can do everything in between. Realistic? No. But fun. And also, Tyler really only did a few things really well. He was a bond salesman, which means he did his job well. He did woodworking, but he learned from his father while in his early teens. And he could write, but he'd been writing from a young age and his college major was geared at that love. I myself am a (somewhat) successful attorney, write these stories (which, granted, aren't bestsellers), played lead guitar in a band for 11 years, do woodworking and actually designed and built half the furniture in my house, and do all of the cooking in my house at the level practiced by Tim in my last series, The Bar and Grill. Am I a superstar at any of these? No, but I can do them all very well, and I'm sure most--if not all--of you can similarly make a list of hobbies and things you can similarly do well. So sure, he's a bit too good at many things, but he's at least interesting because of it.
2. Kristin redeemed. I was amazed at how much e-mail correspondence I received seeking a reconciliation. Sorry, that was never my approach. But she did grow during the story, and many at least didn't want to choke her to death by the end. Should Tyler have re-married her? Hell no. Read the conversation with Mom and ask yourself: Would she have ever told Tyler about Ben if he hadn't forced the issue, and would she have ever wanted him back if Randy hadn't taken off? Where the answers to both are know, friendly relations in raising Ben seems enough.
3. Susan. My God, you people really throw me for a loop sometimes! Susan he first met on a one-night fling. She had been living that lifestyle for God knows how many years. She was a workoholic and lived in Florida. Though her firm had a Chicago office, a move there would have entailed getting admitted to the Illinois bar and learning a whole new set of statutes, which is no easy feat. By the end, she'd changed enough to at least find a regular boyfriend, but putting Tyler with her--having her just change and drop everything and move 1000 miles--is no more believable than Tyler ending up with Marisa. Susan was really only in a scenes of the first chapter, and people were still in love with her by the end of the story! Okay, maybe she resonated.
4. Marisa. Yes, the few commenters who are well read were right: The inspiration for Marisa was Lisbeth Salander from Stieg Larson's incredible Millenium Trilogy. There are noticeable differences, though. Size, looks, and mental constitution are all toned WAY down from Lisbeth to Marisa. And the reasons for Marisa's attitude was clearly spelled out in the final scene of Part 5: She'd been treated like a freak because of her looks and mind throughout her life, and she was tired of trying to please others and afraid of being hurt.
So there it is, the shit that ran through my mind. I agree with what HDK has always said: Anyone can start a story, but it's hard to end one. He was right here, and I'm still not totally sure I pulled it off.
And if this seemed abrupt, as a few pointed out, then I'm sorry. However, I am going to revisit the Kristin and Allie characters in a story down the line, so saying too much kills them off for good. Besides, Tyler and Marisa are going to get married, and Tyler and Kristin now can speak to each other civilly and give Ben as good an upbringing as they can. What else is there to know?
a well thought out story, kept me on edge complete story, again thank you
The fact that I actually do not hate Kristin, says enough, I think. XD
Probably because she isn't out and out evil, like many wives in LW stories.
Marisa changing her clothes (for one time?), going from "ugly duckling" to beautiful swan, has a very fairytale ending feel to me. Maybe some feel it's campy, or sexist even (women have to be conventionally beautiful to be successful/get their man), but think about it. Marisa loves Tyler, and she wants to do something to make him happy. If that is changing her clothing style for one night (it's not mentioned anywhere that she won't revert back to Goth clothes later on), it's not exactly unbelievable.
And, no matter how you twist it, it IS still a very important night for the both of them, with actual celebrities there, like Stephen King and Clint Eastwood. Although it would show her strength of character and guts if she kept the Goth look for that night, she realistically wouldn't.
As for Clint Eastwood and Stephen King, one poster said it was a poorly done scene? Well, us commoners actually don't know how they really are, so artistic license is probably a given.
Isn't it incredibly rare to meet a famous person (whether actor, writer or what-have-you) without it being for an interview or on the red carpet? In an almost non-formal setting?
I can see a scene like in this story happening. Nothing really outrageous.
As for the "writing women" part....I'm not a woman. ^^;; Writing believable characters, yes.
To keep it short, it's a great story, Rehnquist.
Your honor it was a wonderful story with so many little twists and turns that it kept me wanting more. I believed that your female characters were well thought out and believable. As I read some of the comments I don't believe that knowing all the facts behind their past would have made any better reading I think it would have detracted from your main goal. As for some women I know they say they need that little mistery keeps us men wondering about them :) I would love to see more stories involving these characters and what happens later down the road. Again I really enjoyed your story and keep up the great work.
very enjoyable read
Five stars, nothing more to add. That says it all. Thanks.
Your comments re the characters were on point, and from this males perspective, were true to form. No RAAC, and the dialog w/ mom explained why, well. Characters were fleshed out and felt real. Not super-heroes while not being flawed beyond redemption.
Your are the best! Thank you for another wonderful story.
Excellent story and very well written. As far as I'm concerned DQS1 has nothing on you. Thank you for sharing and entertaining me. Well done.
Beautiful piece of work - your heart, determination, and talent were certainly invested in this. Easily read and from my point of view, your hook to keep me reading was more effective than either of the two Hiaasen novels I’ve read. (For Florida authors, I’ve found Randy Wade White much easier and more fun to read.) You said you wanted to work more on female character development more than anything else, so I’ll comment about those though I certainly don’t intend to denigrate the value of this story, It is great!
Marissa - We know nothing about why she was weird goth. Her childhood development or her school/people interface leading to the scared child antagonism she expressed as a gothic character should have been developed better. Being scared isn’t enough history for us to accept about why she acted so strangely. We (I) would be much more comfortable if we (I) knew how she evolved and how she could turn so abruptly (and permanently?) into such a normal, as well as beautiful, lady. “I wanted to please you and not put your friends off” doesn’t seem adequate even if she was in love. Still, one night of compliance doesn’t seem to be too large a price to pay for helping her mate, though it just doesn’t seem to be in character. I think she should have become a contented professor/writer who walks away from Tyler - and who knows or cares about her love life.
Susan - You got the hook in very well and very early with this young lady. I would have been happier with the story if she had been developed more fully and if she had won the day. Of the three principal women in the story, Susan had by far the best chance of maintaining a long lasting devoted relationship. She just wasn’t as squirrelly or emotionally underdeveloped as the other two women. This plus she was as beautiful as any of the three, she was brilliant, she was gentle/loving even if she became a barracuda in the lawyering world.
Kristin - Kristin’s development from a nasty, self-centered witch was done smoothly but it was improbable because she had no background or history or training to support her new found talent for psychoanalysis and counseling . True she got hurt - beat up actually - by the system and her own stupidity and this could have led her to study and maybe understand over time what had happened (but not this quickly). Just the hurt and introspection wouldn’t have, I believe, changed the shallow woman she was into someone with a boatload of insight into the nature of mankind. It wouldn’t have made her someone who would forever be competent or trustworthy enough to sustain a dependable and lifelong relationship. The person she became would have been much more believable if she had some earlier experiences that could surface to guide her in understanding herself, what she had done, and how she should live and love from now on. Perhaps the education she didn’t use should have been in sociology or a related field. She just got too smart too fast for having been such a self-centered spoiled airhead.
Regardless of my rantings, you have created some very interesting people that you should develop further. Don’t forget to develop Tyler too; we need to know more about why he is driven so hard by the projects he undertakes. We need to know too whether his priorities really turn around to be people/family/friends first and work important but second.
I loved it. I'm sorry for Kristen, but she made the bed and now she's got to sleep in it.
You have done well with the characters. I think if Tyler would have tried half as much with his ex as he did with the goth chick he would still be married. He was willing to give up millions for someone twice as fucked up as his wife. I don't know if that is growth or not. It may be stupidity or insecurity. I will agree that some men think things will take care of themselves when a woman is involved, they don't. You have to deal with problems before they bite you on the ass. A wife who feels lonely and ignored and is wondering if you still love her is bad juju. She told him she wanted a baby for the last two years of their marriage. He did nothing. Most here blame the wife for being a spoiled brat. Spoiled brats make good wives and mothers too. Some of the people who have commented are supposed to be married, I wonder about that. How many times does your wife have to tell you something before you are in deep shit? Twenty, thirty, fifty? My guess is three, after that things go wrong. Their communication was nonexistent. The story was realistic with people who have problems that they can or can't always see. Tyler watched the rattlesnake slither up to his foot and bite him. He didn't move his foot. Maybe he will in the future. This was very, very good.
This story lost a bit of momentum as it headed toward the finish line, but how could it not? It began so well, so hard, so fast, that it would have been impossible to mainatin that pace. It morped into a really enjoyable romance. You ended it well and not a moment too soon. When readers like a story, they want it to keep going, but that cannot happen. If it keeps going, it becomes mundane, dull, lifelike. You gave us the sizzle in Tyler's life. It was a snapshot, and a beauty. Women are more seductive with some bits of clothing covering small places. Stories are better when there is still something not totally explained at the end. I have never had any problem with your female characters and felt this story simply kept that streak going. Your effort is greatly appreciated and the next one is greatly anticipated.
In this type of situation, he may have still loved Kristin at some level but he was no longer deeply in love with her. In today's world, some family therapy would probably be appropriate and perhaps an effort to make it work again, considering the child. As you tried, and largely did a good job at, making the story realistic, the emphasis ought to be that children come first (although not all parents act this way). However from a literotica standpoint, its certainly more interesting the way you wrote it.
It has been interesting to observe the tenner of the comments on this story, IE: the story is too long, the story is too short, where is the story going, the characters were not developed, the characters were too in depth.
Such comments go to show, you cant please everyone so don't try.
It is my opinion that this story developed the characters and time line as much as possible given the confines of a short story.
If the story were any longer it would be a long short story and given the crap DQS1 is catching that would not be good.
If the story were shorter and thus not letting the characters develop as they did, it would be a short short story.
If the story were a one or two page story as quite a few readers like, it would be a stroke story and characters would not have the luxury of being developed at all.
As a wanna be writer who has not yet posted anything but comments, I am personally working on a story for this genera, a dark tale of betrayal and punishment, on which I have been working for months, I must say to all those who criticize, "IT AIN'T EASY FOLKS".
Given I do not have the talent of his honor, Ohio, DQS1, HDK, and many others, I must say this story and many others are the product on gifted people who give of their time freely to entertain all of us and we should instead of criticizing, agree or disagree, in a negative way, criticize in a constructive way as to help the writer to develop their talent and maybe they will write "the great American novel.
Rehnquist: Thanks for a great read and keep up the good work. Looking forward to the next posting with great expectations.
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