I like how the story is developing, left me wanting more.
You really need an editor; there are a lot of beginner's mistakes and when I say beginner, I mean mistakes that a seventh grader would make. You have an interesting plot, and the makings of a good story, but the mistakes distract.
Some grammer and spelling errors but overall a good read. Thanks
A bit better in terms of errors, but still a good idea to get an editor. The best authors on this site have them, sometimes more than one. As for the story itself, I like it. I am wanting more details though and more explanations. what is a dark elf? What kind of world does she live in? What types of people exist? I see we have trolls, humans and elves so far. I also am wanting you to tell us what a berserker is (though I have come across it in my other readings...you need to define it relative to your story, esp. for those who haven't heard the term). I hope you will give us more in terms of the characters thoughts. What did he think when he saw the heart forming? I assume he thinks she is his mate. I'd like to have more info about the world b/c it would be important to me to know what she thought when she saw this man. Did she guess what he was? Does she know about these other races existing in her world? What did she think seeing a man with blue/black coloring? What happened to her father? Why did she choose to become a warrior? These and many other questions should begin to be included in the story. It will help us understand it better and make the world more real to us and seem more vivid. You can present these things in different way whether it's a remembered conversation with Thomas or her father or what she was taught as a child. Have her thoughts revealed to us when she sees this man/elf. I think an editor can also point out what you could develop more and what the reader may want to know as well as correct grammatical errors. I hope you keep writing and give us alot of info in the next one! Overall, a good beginning to a story.
Thank you for the comments and ideas. This is a developing story, but I've now applied for an editor. So hopefully they will be improved greatly. I will post more soon, and they will be much longer. Love you guys! Xoxo
hey i love ur stiry and all, and dont get me wrong you are an awesome writer, but did i see some refrences to skyrim. just a question. no harm intended ;)
No reference intended. I've never played the game so I'm not sure where the reference is. So I'm sorry if I created a fuss. :P
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